• Member Since 21st Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen February 17th

Captain Lunar

Just a pony fan that loves the series. I mainly like shipping stories, crossovers, and some good old fashioned comedy. I also don't mind OC's as long as they're written well.


There are forces science refuses to recognize. Things that make us question what is real.
If our eyes see it... And if our cameras capture it...... Does it exist? What happens after the body has stopped functioning? What lingers on? If something does stay then why? Is it here for good or for a more sinister purpose?

That's what Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle are trying to figure out as they head deep into the Sombra Estate. But this night, the ghost hunters will become the hunted.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 12 )

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5100067 They don't take human stories :applejackunsure:

5133507 Thanks! Was a little nervous about this one. :twilightsheepish:

5133697 Mostly because I wrote this in a rush as I was going on a trip before I posted it.

Oh, well if it makes you feel a little better, I didn't find your story rushed :twilightsheepish: But if you need to just go over it, make corrections if need be :twilightsmile:

Okay, this felt extremely rushed.

I felt that I moved way to fast and didn’t really set up anything that could have been in the story. One thing I wanted to point out is, Twilight. I felt she was way out of character. Way too often. The first line of her screaming at the book felt a little out of character, but then at the Pinkie Pie scene, she snaps at her out of left field.

And I know it’s building up to the fact that she is upset about Rainbow Dash’s death, but… that just seems incredibly mean spirited.

Another issue I have is the pacing. It moves way to fast for a ghost story. When writing a horror story, you need to build suspense. There needs to be a slower pace for the story, because it needs to create an environment of fear and tension. And it becomes a world of that by slowly drawing it out, allowing the tension to build.

Halloween with the Michael Myers character is a good example. The whole first hour of the movie is building the tension. There’s nothing there except that we are establishing the character and the situation, forcing the audience to ask who will live and who will die.

This story needed to slow down a ton. It needed to allow some atmosphere into the air. Especially at the house of Sombra.

Plus, I don’t think a lot of things were explained very well. Pinkie Pie’s insanity wasn’t explained. I assume it’s because of Rainbow Dash’s death and she is in denial, but that’s never made clear and Twilight never mentions it.

The whole thing needed to be drawn out. I know I sound like a broken record, but that’s how I felt the pacing was in this story.

The scene with them hunting for ghosts needed to build tension with them sitting around waiting for things to happen while monitoring little things.
The scene with Rainbow Dash’s corpse needed to be longer and more drawn out, going into detail of Twilight’s mind, seeing the fear she is experience.

The scene with Celestia needed to be longer.

And then there is the Trixie ending and Nightmare Moon thing. So, … so rushed. It felt like it didn’t know where to go so it was just thrown together very quickly. It really shows how rushed it is.

I’m sorry I’m being harsh, but it really needed to take a lot more time with this. It needed to slow down and build some atmosphere, because I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t worried about the characters, because I barely got anytime into any of the situations they were in.

I’m sorry I didn’t enjoy it, I’m sorry I took this long to look at it.

5205211 Ah well there's always next time. Thanks for the review man, now I know what to work on :twilightsmile:

5205332 I'm glad you are taking it well. I didn't want to be harsh, but I have to be honest.

5205340 Hey that's why I wanted you to review it

I must say I like this universe. I'd definitely like to read more of these stories, at least so I can find out what happend to Rainbow.

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