A Good Foalsitter can be a Rarity

Seven years before the defeat of Nightmare Moon, Rarity was hired by a couple to take care of their filly while they were gone on vacation. Unfortunately, the filly was terminally ill.

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Comments ( 5 )

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ZekeOfTheFreaks

ZekeOfTheFreaks #1 · May 19th, 2014 · · ·

I like it. Short, sad, and surprisingly deep.

Commissar Rarity

Commissar Rarity #2 · May 19th, 2014 · · ·

List of things that come to mind while reading through this:

-Opening is boring. You have to hook the reader with the first sentence. I'm not expecting something like The Dark Tower's first line, not at all. But I do expect something to grab me at the start. You just have a weather description. Look at your favorite books and see what their first sentence is. Chances are it's something that grabs your attention.

-Tense change between the first and second paragraph. Keep it in either present tense (she says, he walks) or past tense (he said, she walked), preferably past.

-The dialogue is wooden enough I'm afraid it's going to catch on fire. It feels like robots talking to one another. A helpful tip for writing dialogue is to imagine an actor reading it out loud. So, obviously Rarity would be played by Tabitha St. Germaine. None of her lines in this sound like something Tabitha would conceivably say.

-"Rarity couldn't could not let the couple down". I'm just gonna let that stand on its own and wait for you to notice what's wrong.

-Rarity's motivation, as well as the parents' are flimsy. She does it because she doesn't want to let down the parents? The parents just trust some random gal off the streets because they heard she was generous? Not buying it, sadly.

-The parents' reaction is pretty unrealistic. You'd think they'd mourn for a while. A better way would be have them break down and then have Rarity quietly say she won't accept money for foalsitting and leave. Then she should anonymously give them some money to help with expenses.

-At the end there's no real reason given for the Cakes to not hire Pinkie Pie again.

-There's a lot of telling in this story. Like "Stella was easy to take care of". You could easily have a scene showing how agreeable Stella is. And again with the end scene you could show the Cakes' panic over not having a babysitter instead of saying they were frantically looking for one.

It's not awful, it just feels like this is an outline to a longer story and not a full story on its own.

Visual Spectrum

Visual Spectrum #3 · May 19th, 2014 · · ·

4416308

When you said that there was no real reason for why the Cakes couldn't hire Pinkie Pie again, it would be important to know that the story takes place before the Cakes were even born. When they asked Rarity to foalsit the Cake Twins, that was the first time, before they allowed Pinkie Pie to do it.

Commissar Rarity