• Member Since 17th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 30th, 2019

Cola_Bubble_Gum


I'm an irritating fangirl who also writes. A lot of my stuff is sad. I am sometimes overly sex-positive, so if you are sex-negative, I might have called you an elitist taint jockey. Sorry about that.

E
Source

"Do you know what a mayfly is, Twilight?"

It's been six years since Spike met Rarity, and nothing's changed.

Nothing he knows about, anyway.

(Notes under the 'more')






This is a story in which I just don't even bother with passing the Bechdel Test.

(I know, I wrote another story with a character crying in the cover image. Someday I'll write something happy! I promise. Someday.

Also, I'm pretty sure I read a story like this once. If it turns out I accidentally rewrote a near copy, I'm sure someone will point it out to me, and I'll wipe this mess. I can't really go looking for what I read, though, it was from months back.)

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 152 )

FIRST COMMENT! YAY! This was sad, but amazingly... amazing? lol. Looking forward to more chapters if you are making them! Keep up the great fun-tastic work! :twilightsmile::pinkiesmile:

2706614

It's a one-shot, actually. (But if you wanna read something else sad about a main character, One Lie was well received.)

I'm glad you liked it! :pinkiehappy:

This song fits rather well

That was simply beautiful.

2706634

Thank you. :raritystarry:

I'm glad you liked it.

Not honestly a fan of sad stories by a long shot but this was well done and a good read. I think you did very well at addressing the situation between Rarity and him and pointing out the flaws with it.

2706709

Thanks! I know they're not everyone's cup of tea, I really do. I figure I'm doing something right if someone who doesn't like sad stories liked this one, though! :pinkiehappy:

I'm pretty sure Spike is alot older then just 10. Twilight was only like 5-7 years old when she hatched him If its been 6 years since they came to ponyville then I'd put him closer to atleast 20.

2706913

Honestly, I was going purely by memory. After a little looking around, I found this:

derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDUvMDIvMDRfMjZfNDlfNTI2XzMxNDI2NV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfc3Bpa2VfbGF1cmVuX2ZhdXN0X3R3aXR0ZXJfd29yZF9vZl9mYXVzdC5wbmciXV0/314265__safe_spike_lauren-faust_twitter_word-of-faust.png

So that pegs him as elementary aged, but 'maturity' of an eight-year-old. If I go with eight when he first met Rarity, then that'd put him at fourteen at the time of this story.

I like fourteen better, so I'm changing it.

Having said that, my faulty memory had given me the 'there was no canonical age for Spike given', so, yeah. I don't think it's mentioned in canon either way.

Thank you for pointing it out! :pinkiehappy:

2706964

Oh, yeah. (A character I used to write belonged to a family of indestructible immortals, and the eventual outcome they projected was outliving everything else on the planet and watching the sun expand, and then burning endlessly in the sun. Fun times.)

That was beautiful.
I read it twice.

As has been already said by others, I'm wary of Spike romance stories.
He is a kid after all, I don't like foal or CMC shipping either for the same reason.

But this was set in "present day" with a young Spike, and done so beautifully.
And it involved best pony. (no, not Twi, the other unicorn) :raritystarry:

I really enjoyed this fic. However, I did nitpick a few things such as the very first line which read extremely awkwardly. And it almost deterred me from reading the whole thing. Glad I stuck through though, it was wonderful. Now, I'm not a big fan of cross species shipping. Lets face it, ponies and dragons would not get along. Ever. Considering what a regular dragon is from that one spike episode, Dragons are portrayed as pure delinquents and eventually grow up with an 'I don't care about anyone, so I'm gonna do whatever I want' or 'I'ma take whatever I want' feel. Chances are, there mating sequence is rather horrid in nature and isn't exactly pony friendly. Considering this, I'd have to assume that DragonXPony relationships have never been around in Equestria and thus everypony would be pretty damn scared if one happened. It would be like back in the old days when a black and white women got married probably. Everyone would hate them. Just my take.

ANYWAY! Wonderful, liked, good work, keep at it.

My favorite part about this story is that it's sad not because someone is sick or has a tragedy befall them, but because it's the sadness that comes from really, really thinking about it....

... and trying to keep that temporary happiness alive as long as you can.

It's wistful sad, not weepy sad. And beautiful. :raritywink:

Strange, how given how things played out with S3 Finale, that Twilight and Spike will outlive all their friends. :pinkiesad2:

Kind of thought this was going to be a hate fic, pleasantly surprised. I openly disagree with you on just about every point, but I respect and am impressed by how you handled and wrote the whole thing. Very disheartening, and very tasteful, you should be proud, it's a solid piece.

Awesome story! That was a great take on the Spike x Rarity pairing--very well thought out and I really liked your portrayal of Rarity's feelings in this.

Well written in the way you revealed what they were talking about, Twilight's issue with stuff, and then how Rarity really thought about it and everything, and did it in a way where you sort of hinted everything before outright stating it. On the whole, it was very elegant!




2707181
Hmm... I don't get why that first line seems awkward to you. Is it the dialogue? Because that's kind of how Twilight talks, and it also does set up the tone for the conversation, which is a bit awkward, and where Twilight is really straight-forward about everything. Also reveals that Rarity had been expecting this. The only other thing could be the redundancy of "discussion" being used twice in there? ...I'm really not seeing it.

2707397 It's the fact that when ending a dialog sequence, you don't put other ponies actions or thoughts within the same sentence. That's not how I do it and for good reason. It messes me up and it doesn't read well.

"Twilight said, and Rarity could only hope it wasn't the discussion she had been dreading for six years straight."

it would be better to break this up into two sentences. "Twilight said." and "Rarity could only hope..." You must agree, that reads a whole ton better right?

2707412
Ah, okay, I can see what your saying.

Though, it's not actually a hard-and-fast rule, and even published authors do it on occasion. (Where it's really the worst place to have it is in the middle of quick-paced or multi-character dialogue or something, and that's where it really turns into a mess.) Personally, I don't find it that distracting in the first line here, but it comes down to a stylistic thing.

Breaking it into two sentences gives it a bit of a disjointed feel, and could take a bit away from the tension of it, or something, that sets up the tone for the first bit.

2707477 Perhaps it is just a stylistic thing. I don't like the style though sadly. I suppose one would have to re-write the sentence to get the feeling right and read well in my eyes. One should not worry about this though.

This was poignant. I liked it. I've never been a fan of this pairing but you showed it in an interesting light: all too often stories of love and Mayflies focus on grief and what it means to love and loose, which is really a selfish take on it. You did really well looking at this from the other side. Rarity's actions here are really selfless (generous if you will) and it reminds me of how Rarity was the only pony who surprised me in the mlp Pilot. Beautiful work, and the second half has excellent rhythm.

Good Job. :raritywink:

I'm working on something similar, just the other way around.

My many tears...:raritycry:

Just beautiful, Just BEAUTIFUL :raritycry:

2707181

Actually, these were factors I considered when I wrote it.

I'm very itchy about my hooks, and I hate it when they're awkward, but this piece being so short and about such an emotional thing for the POV character, I felt it was justified. I wanted to give the impression that Rarity had been dreading this, and (for me, at least) when I dread a discussion with a certain person, I think about it every time something vague comes up with that person.

So I figured that if Rarity had fallen in love with Spike, and was fighting with herself about it to some degree -- semiconsciously letting him hang around and stuff -- she'd dread that Twilight would notice and come talk to her. She couldn't leave the social fiction in place that she was taking advantage of his kindness.

A different version of this had her doing exactly that -- lying to Twilight about her feelings -- but it felt like it'd get too angry and break down in the middle, so I went this way, with half truths and dancing around the edges, and Rarity admitting -- without admitting -- what was between her and Spike.

I'm getting off topic. I'm sorry. Point is: It's a fair cop. I intentionally went for a somewhat awkward sentence construction. I can see why it'd bug you.

On the second point: I did consider briefly including references to the racism that might exist surrounding such a thing, but I figured it'd pull away from the gooey emotional nougat in the center, so to speak. I'm actually working on a couple fics that deal with racism in Equestria in one way or another, but it felt out of place here for it.

I'm glad you liked it despite the points that didn't work for you! :pinkiehappy: Really, I mean that so much. Thank you!

2707273

Thank you. :pinkiesmile: I think that's all I can say about the praise without sounding full of myself, so I'll stop there about that.

As for the age thing: IIRC Meghan tweeted that Twilight won't outlive her friends. In theory, that could mean a few things, but considering the age level of the show, I'm thinking it means that Twilight isn't immortal. It doesn't touch Spike, which I always find curious -- the closest male friend to the main character of the show is going to exist for so damn long that it's almost absurd, but they'll never be able to touch it. There really is so much depth to the stuff implied on the show they can't ever explicitly refer to on the show, y'know?

2707367

No hate here. I feel bad for the little guy; it isn't necessarily a mature love in any sense, sure, but it doesn't really change how much it hurts.

I really can't imagine that Rarity abuses his affections, and the show can't really examine that anyway. Sometimes I think she's testing him a little, and sometimes I think what I wrote here -- that she knows she'll have to give up having him around so much at some point, but can't bear to do more to make it happen than take advantage of his kindness a bit.

Generosity hurts sometimes. :pinkiehappy:

2707397

Thank you! :twilightsmile: I figured this is how Rarity deals with unpleasantness, and as she's such a good communicator she can make something clear without saying the word. I briefly considered including Spike's name at the end, just once, in Rarity's thoughts, but I felt like it was stronger without it. It's pretty damn obvious who they're talking about.

2707956

Thank you! It was somewhat intentional (the first half being awkward and the second half being less so), since Rarity kind of guided the conversation into something she drove in the second half. Twilight isn't the same level of conversationalist Rarity is, so I figured she'd have less nuanced control of the discussion.

Rarity feels smoother to write. Which, I know, sounds a little bizarre, but it's true. Twilight feels methodical, but Rarity's nuanced, finessed.

2708336

I thought about something like that -- Spike, as an adult, is a fascinating thought for me. I considered a several-thousand-year-past companion story, about how he never forgot her even though he moved on. (And for some reason, I always figure Spike will hoard books along with gems and treasures -- he spent his early life surrounded by them -- so he's got a book on fashion on the shelves somewhere, a gift he got from Rarity, and has a little cache of faded photos inside. You never really forget your first crush, IMO.)

2708715

You and me both. I cried a bit writing this.

Love hurts.

2708978 Yes, well, Spike's greedy; I doubt he'll give up so easily. :moustache:

2709013

It is possible that you got the wrong idea with my comment. I AM writing a story (somewhat) similar to this one. The last paragraph where she says that seeing your first crush die in your infancy being a HUGE burden to bear, it basically turned around. Rarity doesn't die, but..... You guess the rest.

2708947 Well, in my work, I usually try to avoid first line dialog. It's so I can build the scene up before characters start up conversation, and in this case I believe it may have benefited from such a device.

See, it's not clear what Rarity was doing before Twilight showed up, and while not terribly important, I still kinda wondered and it could have been used as a block to build this sense of dread. You would have Rarity being happy or cheerful one second, but right when she hears that bell ring and Twilight walks through... That's when you'd put down that initial sense and then build it up when Twilight is talking about having a discussion. Now, I'm not here to tell you how to write your own story, but I guess I just wanted to say what I would have done given a similar situation. What you have already was popular and it looks like I was the only one who didn't like the first bit so yeah :raritywink:

2709543

I understood. :twilightsmile: I'm saying that I considered doing the same.

I'll have to take a look when it's done!

2709667

That's actually not a bad point. I may have erred on the side of starting as close to the story as possible. I was trying to shave all preamble away. It's about a discussion? Start with the first line of the discussion. (I could have shifted Rarity's reaction to a separate line, but I always feel like that's so choppy when it's all I do.)

Seriously, though, I always appreciate feedback. I think about my hooks quite a lot, because nothing will sink a story faster than a shitty hook. People complain about endings if they don't like them -- but if they don't like the start, they usually just stop reading, y'know?

2709872 I know that feel. The hook is always important to draw readers in. When writing a multichapter story like I am, the first chapter is basically all the hook for the rest of the series, especially when it's incredibly long. (it certainly helps when you have the most amazing personal proof reader one could ask for)

2709943

MrJoshy helped me immensely on Sonatina, another story I got good feedback on. I even sent a recommendation to the Proofreading group about him, but they're reorganizing their proofer docs, so I'm not sure it got in. I might have to resend it.

But yeah, there's nothing like the polished feel that comes after editing. This, I edited myself, and it's rough around the edges because of it, but it was meant to be a Short Li'l Thing. (Not even long enough to get featured! :twilightsmile: )

2709853
It will be a one-shot like this one.'However there won't be a romance tag.

2710063 It's funny you should say that, The only fic I have posted (which is my first fic) would have been featured had it been 1200 words longer. And actually writing that fic and it getting so much positive feed back was what got my proof readers attention.

2710083

I debated about including the romance tag on this one, but eventually decided to, since the structure of things implied around it fit the model of a tragic romance story.

2710087

Right out of the gate, huh? Nice. :pinkiehappy: I won't claim I'm not a little envious. I had a rougher start here. :raritywink:

2710098 I just got ultra super lucky with the timing of when I posted my fic. Literally no one else had posted any fics for like 2 hours and mine stayed at the top of the new fics line so everyone visiting saw it first.

2710109

Hey, everybody had to be a little lucky to get where they are, y'know? No shame in that. :pinkiesmile:

2710116 Well I have this friend on fimfiction, and he's been writing a fic for a good 6 months now, updating it every week and litterally 2 weeks ago he finally passed 1000 views. And he got all exiced about it and was having a live stream event for it and everything.

for me though, it took half a day from posting it.

worst part is, his story is probably better than mine story wise. I guess you could say it just sorta makes me feel guilty for getting so lucky you know?

2710146

Everyone's process is different. Best thing you can do, I figure, is send people to them, and talk about how much you like their stuff.

This was amazing I love it :twilightsmile: But her little Spikey Wikey.... :fluttercry:

2710172 I should probably clarify. He's my friend, but I don't actually read his work. It's not my style. All romance and comedy. I'm more of the sadfic or adventure tragedy type. When I say his work is better than mine, I mean simply that he formulates his sentences and grammar and descriptions in a wonderful way. I have read the only sadfic he's written, which did win a contest that EqD held and it was awesome. (though I still got higher rating then that fic)

2710212

It's a decision I could imagine making, but it is not a decision I could imagine making easily.

Poor Spike, poor Rarity. Nobody wins.

2710219

Technical excellence isn't a bad thing to have, but some readers respect a deft handling of difficult topics more than others. You just sound like two different writers.

Personally, I read everything. (Although you have to show me a damn charming HiE or humanized fic before I'll even try it, to be honest. I almost never read those.)

I briefly considered sending either 'Mayflies' or 'One Lie' to EQD, but like most times, it just seemed pointless.

2710239 I'm the same way. The only human fic I ever read without a doubt was My Little Dashie and when I read it, it was the most awesome thing ever. However, after pondering it for a bit, it's not as great as everyone thinks, but it's still sad. I also can't stand Crossovers.

Yeah, we are different writers. I don't really understand what you mean by deft hand of difficult topics though...

2710258

Some writers handle sadness or dark topics poorly because feeling those things is troubling. (Some simply prefer to avoid them, and both aren't flaws per se, but it's noticeable.)

If you handle difficult topics with skill, some readers appreciate that because it's harder to find good sad fiction than happy stories or adventure stories.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!