Sup. I'm a brony, just like you, and I accept MLP's existence. I also play Team Fortress 2 and a little bit of COD.
Rainbow Dash's mother's last words tell Dash that she is a descendant of one of Equestria's founders, Commander Hurricane. Rainbow Dash, in a deep depression due to her mother's death, remembers her mother's words and sets out in an adventure to try and prove that she really is a descendant.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Expository exposition is expository.
I don't know, I don't like the feel of "I'm about to die so I'm going to open all the Deus ex Machina boxes really quickly" scenes, no matter where they happen or who they happen to. Finding it all in a will or a secret stash of mementos always seems more appropriate to me, and it definitely gives you an excuse for boundless exposition. It also lets you avoid having the reader go through that awkward feeling of "there's a character dying right now that the author wants me to care about, but I know nothing about her and therefore can't care." Readers should be able to feel something for the characters in a scene, and you might be able to get more mileage out of showing us a recently bereaved Rainbow Dash reflecting on fond memories of her mother while going through her effects than showing her mother, who we know nothing about, dying in front of us.
...why are you telling me the complete plot of your story in the synopsis? I've seen that on the blurbs for books for people who really don't like surprises. It's common on picturebooks, since the assume the ones to actually enjoy them, the children you read them too, cannot read, while the parents want to know if the story is "proper" to their kids. It seems kinda odd at a fanfic directed to older people. Do you have a specific reason for that? I'm just curious.
*reads description* well sounds good ill wait for you to write it but sounded like an awesome story any way
First chapter was kind of short. Looks like this will be a long story judging from the description. And... don't give too much away in the description. It makes things.. awkward. Make it more vague for folks to guess. Also, you need to explain what's special about Commander Hurricane, and how does it affects R.D in any way, besides the founding member of Equestria.
E.g: A dying will. A secret that will change Rainbow Dash's life forever.
Ever mistake I may have made is now fixed. :D
The only advice that I can give that hasn't already been stated above would be to make sure that you pace out the chapters/main events. There's a story that I'm reading that has a similar concept to it, but is so rushed it lost most of the potential it had to be a great story. So make sure to do that and I'll be perfectly fine with slight spelling/grammatical issues.
411285 P.S. if you ever need a Pre-reader just private message me and I'll be happy to help.
A heartbreaking story my friend.
.....did Kindness just care and then bail? What gives, Flutters?
She has never forgotten her mother after four weeks? Well, good.... I would be shocked and greatly dismayed if anyone could forget their mother after four weeks. That could probably be worded differently.
Still sounds like a good concept, though.
450239 Yeah I have to totally agree on that first part, not just because she's that element of kindness but because she's one of Rainbow's closest longtime friend. I don't think she's the kind of pony to show up, caring for a little bit then leave after stirring up painful memories. You'd think she'd also be a little bit more shocked at that revelation instead of just shrugging it off.
Other then that It's good. Looking forward to more.
Was it just me or was Fluttershy not caring that much fo Rainbowdash? But, I must say the story is looking great so far!
>>Master Pinkie Pie
Think of my story as like Edgar Allen Poe's stories, where everyone and everything is just.....expressionless.
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