"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell
Rainbow Dash is laying on her death bed alone, with no pony around to see her. She was the last of the "mortal," elements of harmony left to live. Twilight has been too busy to even see her loyal friend sick to almost death. Rainbow Dash, remembered that there was a young filly of whom she loved was still alive and not busy with other things. This is the final known words, of the awesome rainbow pony.
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Awww
4419707 Thank you!
This really was emotional. I liked it a lot. Heck, it may just be my opinion, but it kinda made tears form in my eyes because if how well it was all done....maybe it was also because a kinda sad song was playing, but hey, well done
I hate you Twilight.
That, in and of itself, is a load of bullshit.
4419737 Thank you! I was doing the same while typing this up.
She's not dead, she can't be, she's too awesome for that.. *Cries*
Constructive criticism time: The setup isn't bad, (save for the inexplicable Twilight has become a bad friend angle) but the execution is lacking. For what is supposed to be an emotional and heartwretching tale, the letter reads like a catalog description. There are two main culprits here, your phrasing and the plot points. The phrasing is stuff like:
Just so you know squirt, this letter is a letter of goodbye. I know that Twilight had given me the offer to become immortal like her, which would have been awesome! Sadly, I didn't take it, because I knew that many things would change for me.
could be rewritten as something like: "This is goodbye, Twilight made me an offer of becoming immortal, but I refused because I couldn't handle the change."
Exact same sentiment, but much more succinct and therefore more emotional. And there are problems like that throughout the piece where you use too many words. Which would have maybe not been a huge problem if not for one main plot point.
Good idea: Rainbow Dash actually is Scoot's sister in some sense (cousin technically), but she never told her. Okay cool, wow prepare for feels.
When she went to bed that night, I took you out of the crib and sent you to the orphanage. But soon I was told by my father that it was a good thing that I did that
Rainbow Dash gave Scootaloo up for adoption, (despite the weird legal impossibilities of this) and her dad's response was "Oh good job, because her mom became an instant alcoholic. Now it's smooth sailing"
when combined with the clunkyness of the writing, the idea just falls flat and I left the story more annoyed then D'awwed.
Like I said I think you've got an interesting premise and some good things going on, but the whole thing needs a serious coat of polish if you want to change your upvote/downvote ratio.
4426674 Ok, thank you!
Love this story! Wish there was more.