When a human in Equestria attempts suicide, the ponies who shunned him are forced to care for him in Ponyville Hospital.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's good you're trying to show some of what she went through, but Twilight's still a bitch. And Gilda's reaction damn near broke my heart.
4401996 Of course. Being a justified bitch is still being a bitch.
And I'm just trying to make this entertaining. I have no experience, no education, no tools worth a damn, so feedback from my readers is really the only thing I have to help me improve. So thanks for your feedback, and I'm glad my feels got you.
So... seeing humans eat hamburgers and be generally speaking 'teenagers' is enough to make Twilight xenophobic? Her mind must be like Shinobu Sensui's: Overly simplistic. Ponies are good and should be protected, while anything that deviates from that norm must be bad.
Regardless, I'm rooting for Twilight being sent to the moon.
4402049 Twilight is like any other potential-Aspy genius. She can regurgitate any fact or statistic you want, but as soon as she delves into the realm of "common fucking sense" she goes all
Boy I am just seething. When the righteous fury comes, It'll be so damn sweet.
Wait, why are we hearing Chrysalis's song?
4402083 Because there was only one cruel, manipulative, predatory creature that has directly overpowered Celestia in the show pre-season 4.
Twilight's brother was almost fucking eaten. She watched her infallible, invincible, god-like mentor get swatted like a bug, and everypony she held dear turned on her in favor of what she knew was an imposter. That's gonna leave a mark on anyone's psyche.
4402067 Yeah, but I'm not sure if you really intend on having Twilight attempt a coup (which is what I'm getting from Chrysalis' aria). All 6 of the mane six are at fault, but Twilight's the only one I feel is legitimately scornful. Rainbow might have shocked him and attacked him but the she hasn't appeared to be as wrathful as Twi.
I do like this way of using our human protagonist as revealing all the hair-thin yet mile-deep faults with the ponies. Makes my HiE characters feel like they're getting off easy. (especially my blind one)
To provoke any emotion out of me is a major achievement, and this fic did so. kudos.
*security claxons* WARNING! Codename sparkle is about to go into over thinking mode. meltdown imminent, results predicted to be catastrophic. please evacuate the set fallout-zone immediately for your own safety.
Uhhhhh... I mean... Okay? This whole Discord thing and now Chrysalis incorporation... I mean even if this is part of Discord's plan than she still acted like a bigot idiot. You're sort of going off from the message of the original story in that you are incorporating actual villains, instead of the usual protagonists becoming the worst type of antagonist. I mean, it feels like you're pinning the rep of the ponies on the antagonists when they had nothing to do with it what so ever. I'm sorry, but it feels like you're doing that.
4402142 Chrysalis will NOT be making an appearance in this story. But it is foolish to believe the mane six could clash with Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, and Sombra and NOT have some kind of psychological trauma. They are young mares at the oldest, with no combat training or experience.
Those villains? They happened. That is a thing in Twilight's, in ALL of their, past. And past experiences of that traumatizing nature tend to leave very vivid memories and negative psychological effects. Some of which surface from time to time. Twilight is used to there being a clear-cut villain, but since Jason isn't, she is projecting her past experiences onto him to make him fit in with her idea of what he should be.
4402067 Sad but true... So... while I do not like seeing Twilight be a bigoted bitch, I will, for now, fave and follow, just to see where this goes.
4402177 I understand that, but that doesn't explain the completely out of the blue Discord. Since he is here plotting, doesn't that mean that there really is a clear cut villain? I just think that this story doesn't need a clear antagonist in that, the antagonists should be victims of ignorance, and their own social upbringing, but whatever I guess. It's your story now.
4402240 You'll just have to wait and see, but don't you worry about Discord. I have big plans for him, that do NOT involve being "Token Bad Guy."
The main focus is and will always be on the characters.
I don't know what the fuck you're doing anymore. Your pacing is like a ping-pong ball, Twilight makes absolutely no sense as a character, and the scenes you show contradict each other.
Stop.
Stop now.
Go back, edit out everything you've had Twilight say, think, or do. It's shit. It's cancer. Your story sucks because your Twilight is a selectively stupid plot device, not a character.
4402177 I see what you mean with this and since Twilight's been proven to have OCD issues in canon and fits the asperger psycological profile to at least roughly 79% its only natural for her to think like "oh look, thats different from what im used to so it must be evil or bad!" if she gets any deeper involved and learns that her world veiws don't match with reality we could possibly be looking at her snaping worse then she did in lesson zero... I should know since im aspegers and had my fair share of 'bat-crap insane' moments, not the highlights of my life honestly
4402260 Nope.
4402281
Then be prepared to wallow in your own shit.
Wow, so Twilight still continues to blame Jason for everything, certain that he's manipulating AJ. "Cowardly, Xenophobic, Bigoted" indeed. I have a feeling that if Twilight dosent lose this mindframe soon, she's gonna do something she'll regret. Like attack Jason, and say "Ha!! Now your free of your mindcontrol, and you can see this creature for the monster it really is." Only to see it not attack, and is critically hurt. Jason:...I...loath..you. You..and every single pony I see.
Seriously, Ponyville should change it's slogan: All ponies welcome, everything else; Fuck off. Ponies are good, everything else is evil. *slaps forehead* Twilight, you f***kin idiot.
4402293 Look. Buddy. Bro. Dude. If you don't like the story, you don't have to read it. You've left your criticisms and have made it obvious you don't want to be here.
So my question is: Why are you still here? Contrary to popular belief, you can get off this ride if you want.
Eh, not particularly sold on this. Twilight's dark feelings are seeming so ridiculously exaggerated, it's hard to believe it's her. You're yanking her strings so hard I can see her as a puppet - it breaks my willing suspension of disbelief.
Then again, she lost her virtue, but... yeah.
4402341
Twilight can be a crazy bitch when she thinks she's got the moral high-ground.
4402260
It is not unrealistic for characters to rapidly oscillate between emotions if the situation is sufficiently stressful.
Keep in mind also that this story is a sequel to a one in which all ponies acted out of character, or at least the typical interpretation of their characters.
Well, Twilight is a bitch.
4402358 I never said it wasn't at all possible. But again, Vlad brother, that was a vortex of frustration happening in two days; anyone would snap. This story's human hate, on the other hand, has been going on for three years, and that's without further fostering.
The way you write it, it's like all of Canterlot High banded together to hang Spike from a tree by razor wire while she was forced to watch.
Predatory? What? Where is she getting this from?
4402402 I will write a flashback at some undetermined point in the story (probably sooner rather than later) that shows what happened. And it. Will. Be. GLORIOUS!
4402260
There's constructive criticism, and there's being a jackass.
Take a wild guess which one you come across as.
4402341 Gonna have to agree here.
This Twilight is so far out there. It's a good thing this has an alternate universe tag on it or I'd call BS on the whole thing, cause I know the REAL twilight would never get that judgmental.
4402383 There is hatred that simmers just under the surface for so long it becomes a fact of life, a part of you that you accept without batting an eye. And when someone or somepony's world views (even hateful ones) are challenged after such a long time, they try to invent ways to make their old ways work with the new. Even if it means ignoring obvious facts or believing harmful lies.
Twilight just learned that 'Celestia' respects and trusts Jason, a creature she has seen as barbaric and destructive for years. Applejack has been interacting with him for extended lengths of time, and he hasn't lashed out. She is in denial of the facts, trying to reassure herself that no, her views are not wrong. "I'M NOT CRAZY! THE REST OF THE WORLD IS CRAZY!"
4402456 So she needs a slap in the face for the pain to wake her up from the neurosis. The shock of taking a serious one when there was never anything close in the show should be startling enough.
4402466 Yes. But I do see your point. At some undetermined time, somewhere in this story, I will write a flashback to show exactly what happened to Twilight in Canterlot High.
And everyone here will think she is overreacting and being silly.
i liked the original way you were going. this is okay too tho. not as great as the original but still good.
4402402 they ate MEAT, for anypony that is predatory enough, and the best quote to make others understand how crazy twilight can get when no one is there to calm her, from the very mare mouth: "CLOCK IS TICKING"
Seems like you ruffled a few feathers with your bitch version of Twilight. Oh well, I say live and let die. Carry on good sir.
4402328 You forgot Brohemian Rhapsody!
4402498
Griffons.
4402498 Twi: Wow, this is a good burger! What's it made with? Doesn't taste like hay...
Flutters: ...Beef?
Twi: Uh-huh...what exactly is that?
Flutters: Cow-meat.
Twi: ...wat
4402513 Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me bro!
OK, you should be vary careful when handling twilight from here on out because she is getting dangerously close to becoming an irredeemable villain.
really I understand that high school can be tough and sometimes even messed up but seriously:
What the Hell happened to her to justify this attitude, there is no way that your run of the mill petty teen shallowness could have resulted in twilight thinking like this. The only way that she could hold these views was either if the school was set in some Social Darwinist society that encouraged backstabbing, opportunism and a "dog eat dog" mentality or she was in the same boat as the protagonist of Carrie only without the Karmic slaughter at the end.
I know you say that you will explain what happened but you better do it soon because if Twilight goes too far then it is in danger of being too little too late and the audience won't care.
I don't even know what the fuck is going on anymore, I'm not angry, disappointing (OK maybe a little), sad, happy, or anything. You are branching out too far man, I don't even know what the hell you are going, and I'm starting to care less and less as I lose interest in the story and characters. It's like your trying to explain 30 different plot points and holes at once that you don't explain anything, you just create more as the story continues.
4402633 Jason is making a friend and physically recovering.
Applejack is trying to get her family back together.
Twilight is having trouble seeing Jason as anything but a monster.
I understand if this is too much for you to handle.
4402422 Uhh... I'm guessing that s/he's coming across as an idiotic wanna-be "editor" who doesn't know how to not be a bh about anything s/he dislikes, and who could have definitely written the opinion as something much nicer, like:
Of course, seeing as I don't have a problem with this, I don't know what could be done to fix it.
And Twilight is still being so pigheaded and xenophobic that she is fast approaching irredeemably racist villain territory. Her entire stance right now is "People of this species did something horrible to me, now I shall hate every single member of said species without question, oh god, he survived the suicide attempt, that he tried to do because of what we did? Why couldn't he have just died? Now the Princess is disappointed that the entire town and I have been treating this intelligent being like absolute garbage and vermin. Oh it is obviously not my fault. Not me, Celestia's personal student. I shall continue to hate him because of one bad experience."
The worst case scenario that we're all thinking, that she was raped in the human world, would not be enough to justify her behavior at this point. She is literally the villain of this story, and no reason at this point is going to make what she and the town have done, and are still doing, right or understandable, except for people who look at organizations like the KKK and think "I could get behind that."
I don't really care if it was someone else pretending to be Celestia that told Twilight she was disappointed in her. Either Celestia would have said the same thing as Discord, or she is just not fit to be teaching anyone. Or even to be the ruler of Equestria.
Oh god...Is that it? Is this all leading up to a revelation that all of the villains want Equestria because they feel, and probably could, do a much better job running it than Celestia?
4402690 It is quite possible that Celestia sent Discord in her place due to either A. being to preoccupied with restraining Luna, B. was to disgusted by ponyvilles reaction that shes trying to wash her hooves of the matter so it can't be traced back to her sending Jason there, C. She couldn't bring herself to see Twilight face to face after she got the letter and sent Discord knowing hes a great actor/manipulator or more likely D. Discord has been watching Jasons treatment and decided 'lets stir up some chaos!'
at this point anythings possible
I'm getting what all is going on, but only after reading your (the author's) comments after each chapter. That's not a good thing.
That's not to say that what is being written is wrong in any way, it's really just too large of a picture to be adequately served in such small pieces. The problem with fanfics like this is that they're always a work-in-progress until the end, which means that a reader cannot simply keep reading to get the answers that would normally be supplied to them in the context of the story.
I don't really know how to say this without sounding like another 'MOAR' of the masses, but the amount of content per chapter simply isn't enough to make sense of the story without outside intervention. At least, not right now. These early chapters are clearly setting the stage for something larger, but without any real context your readers won't be able to make much sense of it.
Hopefully you'll get less outright derogatory comments like the ones... certain users have left once there's more content to make sense of the actions and thoughts of the characters. Holy run-on sentences, Batman.
Slightly edited for clarity.
THe original premise was terrible, and a badly written "woe is me, nobody loves me, I wanna kill myself' emo mope-fic. Your attempt to make a sequel is consequentially a disjointed mess.
Let's start at the beginning. A human appears on her doorstep.... And she just mutters something and shuts the door in its face? Even if she thought he was from the mirror world, her response should have been to panic, hogtie him and send a panicked letter to the Princess because she thought it was an invasion-- or panic, hogtie him and hide him in the basement because she thought the princess would blame her for an alien creature following her to Equestria.
The response of the others... even more out of place. Twilight might have panicked because she recognized a human, but the others would have only seen "a weird-looking critter." This should not have resulted in panic in the streets. Xenophobia is a stretch. They've had gryphons and minotaurs strolling down their streets without incident. Yes, there was Zecora-- but they were scared of Zecora because she lived in the Everfree. If anything they should have been mindful of the incident with Zecora and been embarrassed of being thought xenophobic just because a strange creature strode into town.
And wouldn't Celestia have given him some sort of document or letter from herself so he could confirm he was a friend of royalty?
Addendum: he gets rejected at Ponyville-- but spends two years living like an animal in the woods instead of going back to Canterlot? It seems like the Mane Six weren't the only ones chucking back the Stupid Pills, here.
remember that vlad stated that zecora never settled on the everfree forest so the ponies never learned to not judge others just for being different, just remember how just down right xenophobe where pinkie and applejack before that,
when you see it from that perspective they arent acting out of character at all, twilight getting obsessed about all the humans being the same and even comparing it with some of the evils she had faced is understandable too
The more I read, the more it seems like the fiction has lost it's actual goal. Feels a lot more like your just making things up and not doing anything much about how the story progress.
At first it was death then suddenly it was life. What's actually Jason's real purpose now? Because it seems like he would live in that 'camp' for the rest of his life. What's his reason for living instead of becoming dead meat?
4402865
Oh, man, this whole thing needs some explaining. Stat!