MrCandybar
Joined 13th Aug, 2013 ·
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4228842
Frankly I'm annoyed they beat me to it, but as long as it gets to those who care, that's all that matters.
Wow... that's some pretty dark stuff you've written there...
First of all, the less good things:
- there are quite a few errors in spelling/typos etc. e.g. the time you write
I think what you meant was her "poor filly", not fillet. Fillet are something different. But it's funny.
And sometimes there're apostrophes missing.
- Also there are a few errors with capitalisation. Names like Fillydelphia and (the) Enclave are capitalized, but if it's used adjective "enclave" isn't.
- a few distracting grammar errors, often caused by the next point.
-Many of your sentences are simply too long/too intricate. I'm guilty of this myself (sometimes at least).
That was one sentence. You should divide your sentences and/or make less subordinate clauses, it's just much more pleasant to read. Also there's no such thing as dead corpses. It's dead bodies or corpses.
- Pacing is really fast. Slow down a little. We know absolutely nothing about Metro (the foal, isn't it?) except that he/she is helping his raider friends to rape and hunt down a mare. And all of the sudden we should care for him and be sorry for his (quite fast and maybe too early) death? That's not how emotions work. You should've established some emotions before, like describing him playing with his mother etc. so that we see him as more than the evil raider he is.
The mother herself doesn't really react to the death of her last male descendant.
- What happened to the other dozen raiders, you didn't tell us. Try not to forget stuff like this in the future. Also it is inexplicable why your MC suddenly leaves the raiders.
- Your MC's equipment: it's quite a bit overpowered. I mean, an enclave power armor and an AM rifle right at the start, out of nowhere? That won't work out well...
You should get a pre-reader and/or look over what you've written with a spell-/grammar checker.. I'm looking for a pre-reader myself, everybody should get one. If you're no English speaking person yourself (looking at some of your sentences, I think I'm right) you should try even harder to get one. But fear not, I'm no native speaker myself and after a while me own English started to get better (apart from those stupid typos of course), writing is a good practice. Don't be discouraged by comments saying your story is bad. It might be not well written right now, but this can change in the future.
Well, that sounded pretty negative...
But that doesn't mean I dislike your story. You just have to try a little bit harder, then this can get pretty good. I'll watch this story as it progresses. Keep on writing.
4228901
Yeah I'm noticing you've been pretty fast at doing it, keeping me on my toes eh? 
4229147
Eh, I just feel good helping all the members of the FoE community that I can.
4228973
Well damn, I DID miss a lot, I'll be fixing that, but I should add, and fix something avout the power armor and AM, the AM is broken, like might as well be dust, and is completely beyond repair. Next, I'm going the route that Enclave armor is quite weak, but has a good defense - weight ratio on its side, So you will see what I have planned for that.
Also, I am kinda sad that my not being a native speaker showed through, aside from the occasional typo, I thought I did mask it well
Thanks again for the corrections
4240506
I'm no native speaker as well. The only thing that set me off was your use of over-sized sentences. Well and the fillet thing. If you're willing to improve the story will improve. Just
have faith in theheart of the cardsdo as you think it's best. It'll work out.4228901
I do apologize, I understand the dissatisfaction of menial things you enjoy do getting taken by someone else unknowingly.
4240737
Eh, like I said as long as it got into the group that's all that matters, I just enjoy doing it because it's some assistance to the author that I can do without much time...
Also the free advertising from 4228842 saying I sent it in is a nice addition.
Looks good so far