Slash of the whip

by Taylorthepega

Slave Pony

The first thing Sweetie noticed when she woke up was that she was in a cabin. Specifically, an extremely dirty cabin.
The second thing was that she was turning grey. Her fur, mane, tail, and even her eyes where turning grey."So, she caught you, I assume?" Sweetie jumped and turned around to see a pony that looked exactly like her, only it was a pegasus, and was almost completly grey, except for her eyes, which were grey with a tinge of pink. Her eyes were full of pain and suffering, and she had a lot of scars all over her body. Sweetie shivered at the thought of what might have hurt her so badly.Maybe a song....
Hush Now, Quiet now
It's time to lay your sleepy head
Hush now, Quiet now,
It's time to go to bed
Ther filly lifted her ears in surprise, and her color started to return. It's working!

Drifting off to sleep,
An exciting day behind you
Drifting off to sleep,
Who knows what tomorrow will find you?

Hush Now, Quiet now
It's time to lay your sleepy head
Hush now, Quiet now,
It's time to go to bed

"That really cheered me up, thank you." The filly said. She was smiling now, and though she was mostly grey, Sweetie could tell that she was a light blue pegasus with a brown and pink mane and tail that looked like hers.
"What's your name?"
"Cloudy Skies, but just call me Sky."
"Sweetie Belle, but just call me Sweetie."
Sky smiled.
Sweetie said, "Why am I turning grey?"
Sky's smile faded. "There's this spell here, where the ponies working here slowly lose hope. As they lose hope, they turn grey. They also lose their cutie marks." She added. "When I came here, my cutie mark went missing."
"What was your talent?"
"Singing."
Sweetie nodded. "Who do you think the master is?"
Sky looked at her. "I've been trying ever since I came here to find that out.
Sweetie said, "Why are we here?"
Sky said, "The Mistress is turning us into slaves."
Slaves?

Comments

[Your Friendly Neighbor]

This looks horribly rushed to all means of rushing.

-Lengthen the Chapters

-Lengthen the Story

[The Iron Brony]

is this dark/grimdark? the preview pic looks it... and holy crap, is this short! Can't tell if really rushed or just trying to make as many chapters as possible with a small amount of writing. or both. I'll read it anyway just for the hell of it.

*EDIT*

Why am I adding this to read later?

[Taylorthepega]

Okay everyone, I know this is short, but THIS IS MY FIRST FANFICTION.

[DWhay]

Um, not to burst your bubble, but I had a character in my fanfic named Sky and I beat you to the name, just say'in.

I would say... It has the elements of a good fic, but the execution of the story leaves a bit to be desired. Overall, average. I like it, but I don't love it.

[lolzcrisps]

I'll keep an eye on this. You've got some decent ideas, but your short, unpolished chapters sell the story short.

[Taylorthepega]

385954
Oops! Sorry, i didn't know. Sky is one of my ponysonas, so i put her in here.

[Taylorthepega]

386067
Thank you for the advice!

[Taylorthepega]

386158
I know.
But i am trying to make the next chapters longer

[Puppeteer]

Alright, here's my advice. You shouldn't try to stretch things out by adding unnessisary detail. Be descriptive, and pay attention to detail, but you should never just add things to make it feel longer, or it will become even worse. What you should do, is think out many scinarios and plot twists before beginning a chapter, rather than just wrighting with a vauge idea of where you want to go. Also, never plan where you'r going to stop a chapter, just get a very good idea of the story first, (I have found that wrighting down ideas in a separate peice of paper first is good) and stop the chapter when it seems long enough, and your at a good part to stop. Try writing a couple improved versions of the chapter, and cleaning it up a bit before actualy posting it. Once you have this down the only hard part is transitioning from one magor idea to another. My best advise there is to just go with the flow. Write what you feel comfortable writing, and dont stress the transitions. Hope this helps you progress as an avid writer.

[Taylorthepega]

386238
Thanks a lot!

[La Barata]

385954 So.... Let me get this straight. You're honestly claiming the name Sky as your property to the point of calling someone using it out in their story comments?

Dude, there are close to 10,000 stories on this site, and I bet you at least a thousand of them already took that name long before you did. Besides, it's not like it's a creative, clever name, anyways. If it was something like, let's say, Twilight Sparkle. That's something identifiable and specific. Sky is Sky. It's the big blue thing you see when you look up. It's also one of the most popular mary sue character names ever.

[DWhay]

387006 No Freakin way! I had no Idea the Sky was blue?!

You don't say!
ragecomics.memebase.com/wp-content/themes/vip/cheezcommon2/ragecomic/packs/seriously/images/YouDontSay.png

[Taylorthepega]

386808
Sorry, but I don't say my age.

[Taylorthepega]

386983
I know, I'm working on it.

[Taylorthepega]

386853
Thanks! This is my first Fanfic, so thanks for the tips!

[Taylorthepega]

387291
Thanks you for the advice

[The Iron Brony]

387845
you're replying so civilly to everypony.. why you cancel story?

[Surprisethepega]

469097
Thank you! (This is my new account) The two reasons why I cancelled it are
1: I ran out of ideas for it
and
2: I lost the password for that account and am unable to reset it.
If I get an idea, I will repost the story on this account