The warrior of equestria

Johnathan vandetta, a high schooler from new york, has been training in sword play and chemestry (with that of greek fire and any other magical potion) is sent to equestria to meet his greatest foe in his life

Chapters (2)

open the portal and jump in · 30th Mar 2014 · 762 words
762
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Friends, Enemies, Ponies, and Magic · 30th Mar 2014 · 629 words
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Comments ( 12 )

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Roudee

Roudee #1 · Mar 31st, 2014 · 15 · · Friends, Enemies, Ponies, and Magic ·

This is sloppy. There are spelling and grammar errors in nearly every sentence. The plot makes no sense, and it is way too rushed. You need more than an editor; you need English lessons.

Reeve

Reeve #2 · Mar 31st, 2014 · 2 · · Friends, Enemies, Ponies, and Magic ·

I absolutely love how the words chemistry and magic potions were in the same sentence of your description

Sigma EXE

Sigma EXE #3 · Apr 1st, 2014 · 8 · · Friends, Enemies, Ponies, and Magic ·

31.media.tumblr.com/62ff8d256e0b84273ec621b07dea4bfa/tumblr_n32wezVes41tw1vhco1_500.gif

mrgamer90001

mrgamer90001 #4 · Apr 1st, 2014 · · · Friends, Enemies, Ponies, and Magic ·

4164215 I enjoy the humor of this picture

Elric of Melnipony

Elric of Melnipony #5 · Apr 2nd, 2014 · 9 · · Friends, Enemies, Ponies, and Magic ·

Your story is bad and you should feel bad.

Comment posted by mrgamer90001 deleted Apr 2nd, 2014

Eagle

Eagle #7 · Apr 3rd, 2014 · 1 · · Friends, Enemies, Ponies, and Magic ·

4171931
Good Lord, you're laying it on thick, eh?

The Commissar

The Commissar #8 · May 17th, 2014 · 4 · · Friends, Enemies, Ponies, and Magic ·

4178772 No, he's really not.

Pirate Jesus

Pirate Jesus #9 · Jun 19th, 2014 · 6 · · Friends, Enemies, Ponies, and Magic ·

Ok. So, I already have warning signs that this is not going to be a good time just from your description. First, Jonathan Vendetta? Really? You couldn't think of anything better as your MC's first name? You could at least try some names like:

-Ron Callahan
-Isaac Westin
-Elijah Fuller
-Gregory Foster
-Andrew Fletcher

There. There's five names it took me literally twelve and a half seconds to think of that have at least a shred of realism.

Speaking of realism, what average high schooler, particularly from New York, has swordsmanship and "chemistry" (magical potions is alchemy and a totally different science, by the way) as hobbies. I know you were trying to explain why he has said skills before the story, but it makes it look sloppy and halfbaked.

In addition, as someone who has trained with swords, let me tell you, it is hard as living fuck to find a gym and equipment to support the hobby, let alone that it can get expensive, so again, this is not what an average high schooler would do with his free time. As for the chemistry, I'm willing to give you a small bit of room on that given how it is much easier to pick up since chemistry can be mostly learned from a book and swordsmanship requires, like I said, a lot of practice. Problem is, as I said, chemistry isn't used to make "magic potions" and even medicine created by chemistry is often too complex for a high schooler, especially in conjunction with the relative scarcity and expense of raw ingredients, apparatuses, and tools.

Other than that, there isn't a whole lot for me to say that isn't usual bad HiE diagnosis: bad grammar, flat characters, overpowered OC devoid of personality, andplot with epic scope feeling less sweeping than Shakespeare in the park. I suggest hauling this one all the way back to the drawing board.

youlose

youlose #10 · Jun 29th, 2014 · 1 · · Friends, Enemies, Ponies, and Magic ·

Hey I'm this guys "friend" and he obviously used mine and his other friends name in it but he didn't even spell it right. Which for the record is actually amazingly bad not to be mean STEVEN but you suck. It is spelt "Connor" which isn't hard to mess up. I don't mean to be mean but was absolutly horrid to read. I'm not even gonna poi t out all the errors because everypony else already did so just to be nice I will like this story, and everyone out there that had to sit through this excruciating story don't worry because I will be helping him on his most adjacent or next story.

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