• Published 20th Mar 2014
  • 623 Views, 19 Comments

The Bottom Shelf - JakeAndDollars

Just a place to display our little odds and ends, anything that never really went anywhere but might be worth a laugh.

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How to Survive Equestria for Dummies

“Hello, and welcome to the very first episode of How to Survive Equestria for Dummies. Chapter One, the Everfree Forest, I am your narrator, Narrator. Today’s episode performed by, Anon, from Cincinnati. Anon shall be our stand-in for those of you that find yourselves in any of the following situations. Let’s begin shall we?”

/ / / / / / / / / / / /

“Now then, as with most Human in Equestria stories we find our character waking up somewhere within the Everfree forest, note the looks of disorientation and mild confusion. Not to worry Anon, these will pass with time. For now I would suggest going about attaining your bearings.”

“What, who’s there? I don’t, ow my head…Where the hell am I? Clark? Anyone!?”

“Tsk. Tsk. Anon you just broke the number one rule of the Everfree. Audience, pay close attention, this could be you someday after all. Whilst lost in a strange magical forest, one should not draw attention to oneself. Especially not in this forest, humans aren’t the scariest things out here.”

“Who’s talking? Hey! Answer me! How did I get here? And why do you keep calling me Anon? My na-”

“You see audience, in a survival scenario such as this it is imperative to keep a calm clear mind, and a strong sense of your surroundings. Otherwise, things could get out of hand very quickly. And remember, standing around shouting at the sky is never recommended.”

“Oh, to heck with you then, there has to be a road or something around here. Hey my phone!”

“Another note of warning to all it may concern, cellphones are of little use here in Equestria as signal strength may vary depending on your provider. Verizon customers, you should be fine though roaming charges may apply. Everyone else, don’t hold your breath.”

“What! No service! Aw screw you AT&T! Hah! Take that you stupid piece of shit phone!”


“The hell?”

~ “Achievement unlocked!” ~

“What just hap…?”

“Congratulations Anon! You have just successfully hunted for sustenance, a vital commodity required for continued survival here in the forest. Now, before any competing predators show themselves and steal the hard earned kill you should retrieve your prize and leave the area.”

“Hey! I thought I said to heck with you, get lost so I can figure this out!”


“The hell was that?”

“Oh my, everyone take notes. This is exactly why you should always remain calm and quiet within the Everfree. You never know when one of the many cliché plot necessary monsters will show up. Now, in this particular encounter we have a fine specimen of the Timber wolf cliché. Be sure to note that most attacks will originate from the east, this is a clever, if not overused tactic by the writers to encourage the main character to retreat in the direction of the next act.”

“Oh god! The hell is that thing?! No! Stay back!”

“Just remember to keep calm and flutter on… Wait, sorry wrong card.”


/ / / / / / / / / / / /

“Another important thing is to find shelter before the darkness sets in, night comes on quickly here in the forest. Now, in such a case many humans have the immediate desire for light, and therefore fire.”

“Come on you stupid wood, light! Damn it!”

“This is not necessarily the best course of action, particularly if you do not understand the fundamentals of fire building in a natural environment.”

“What?! You again! I thought I finally got away from you.”

“And I would have thought you had learned your lesson about shouting up at the sky by now…”


“Oh come on!!!”

/ / / / / / / / / / /

“Now another important thing in the Everfree is shelter. Being human in this place, contrary to many people’s belief, does not make you master of anything. Least of all your environment as is made quite evident when rain and wind show themselves.”

“Ha! Shows what you know, stupid voice. I outwitted your stupid Timberwhatsit, twice! And besides, it’s not raining, or windy.”

“Sigh. First of all Anon, you did not ‘outwit’ the wolf, you climbed a tree and whimpered like a little girl until it got bored and went away. Secondly, you just challenged nature in the middle of a magical forest that already hates you for being different.”

“Are, are you calling this place racist?”

“Moving on! Again take notes audience; always remember that, to build a proper lean-to in the forest it is absolutely imperative to ensure the structural stability of the thing your cover is leaning on. More importantly, that it is not leaning on the snout of a sleeping Dragon.”

“A sleeping what?”

“And just what do you think you are doing!?”

“Son of a…”

/ / / / / / / / / / / /

“Alright then, now that we seem to have stumbled into the perfect opportunity for it, let’s go explore a natural cave system!”

“Oh screw you, I’m sitting right here until that monster out there goes away. Then I’m booking it straight to that pathway I saw on the way in here. So you can just sod off and die!”

“Oh Anon, you’re so adorable when you’re angry. Very well, we are out of time anyway. Okay class, you are all dismissed, be sure to turn in your displacement theory worksheets on your way out and keep hold of today’s notes. There will be a test on Thursday. As for you viewers on the interweb, be sure to join us next time on How to Survive Equestria for Dummies, Ponyville Edition. How to interact with Ponies and other assorted sentient beings of Equestria. Goodnight!”

“Wait, did he say, ponies?”

Author's Note:

I've never really liked human in Equestria fics... Still don't. -Jake

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