• Published 20th Mar 2014
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The Bottom Shelf - JakeAndDollars



Just a place to display our little odds and ends, anything that never really went anywhere but might be worth a laugh.

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Poker Night 2

Another Poker Night

“So anyhow,” Celestia said bored, licking her upper lip as she examined her cards carefully. “That is why those drawings must never see the light of day ever again, simply ghastly!” She raised an eyebrow and slid a few chips forward.

Luna growled from where she sat, the night princess glared daggers at her sister, but alas, Celestia’s smugness made for the perfect shield and deflected the emotional weapons with ease. “They wasn’t that bad sistah!” She scoffed, glancing around the table at the others in embarrassment. “I were seven, and pentagrams overlaid with camel runes is tricky!”

“Oh relax, Lulu,” Cadence said sweetly, leaning over and rubbing a hoof gingerly along the base of her wings, causing an immediate reaction. “Celestia, must you be so mean to poor Luna?” She asked, watching happily as a pair of large wings slowly unfolded under her ministrations, sneaking a peek at Luna’s cards as she did so. “Tis not her fault she was born slow.”

Luna leaned forward, tugging her wings away from the pink princess and giving the stiffening appendages an inspecting flap. “Hey! I is not slow! I win lots of races!” She flipped her mane around indignantly, knocking away a servant pony as he tried to help her count out a proper counter wager. Normally she would deny such aid, as it did not become royalty. But this was big mare poker; it sometimes involved tens of bits! And doing all that counting was boring.

“So tense, mmm,” Cadence leaned in close and inhaled deeply, smelling Luna’s back and twitching slightly. “You know Luly, a nice calm relaxing mineral bath would do you wonders, especially if you had somepony around to help suc-”

Celestia cleared her throat, not so subtly attracting the love princess’ attention as Luna became distracted by a convenient red dot on the wall, somewhere nearby a Phoenix strained not to fall off her perch with laughter. “Cadence, please, I know you crawled out of your mother horny, wanting nothing but to buck every living thing in sight,” she said sighing, placing a hoof to her temple. “But please, just for tonight could you let up on your advances towards my sister? I doubt that she understands anyway,” Celestia’s eyes tracked Luna as she knocked her chair over and galloped off in hot pursuit of the dot.

Cadence looked at her for a moment, seeming stunned by the words. “My apologies, I, did not realize it offended you so,” she said, a mask of mischievousness hinting at her tone.

“You’re damn right it offends me!” Celestia shouted, leaning forward with a predatory look. “How dare you pay her such attention! What about me you candy-colored snog hog!” She pounded a hoof down on the table as Luna charged back through the room, covered in a set of expensive looking curtains. “What, am I not hot enough for you? Are my bribes not obvious enough? I gave you an entire kingdom for the sake of me!”

“Cadence leaned away, an impish smile playing across her muzzle. “Well, I really didn’t want to say anything, but,” A loud crash cut her off as moon but ran straight out a window.

“But what?!” Celestia screamed, her horn crackling with golden energy. “Stop spluttering and say it!” She demanded.

“Well,” Cadence muttered, glancing fearfully at the power pointed in her direction. “You’re getting kinda fat, so you see, it’s not me, it’s you,” she scrunched down in her seat a bit. “Maybe if you would just lay off the cake a tad, I might be a bit more inclined to suc-”

“Love me damn you!” Celestia bellowed as she drug the pink mare across the table, wrestling her limbs aside for a kiss.

“Ladies, ladies, please,” came an impossibly posh, regal, charming, and pompous voice. The two wrestling mares, both covered in chocolate syrup now for some reason, looked up at the fourth member of their game. Somehow the author had completely forgotten he was even there. “I am trying to concentrate here.”

“Apologies, Blueblood,” Celestia said, straining against Cadence as she fought for top position atop the table. They slowly returned to their respective chairs as he watched them, an eyebrow raised behind a ridiculously sized monocle. “That’s better, shame on you two, behaving in such a way,”

Cadence cleared her throat, spitting out a few white feathers. “Sorry Blue, would it make you feel better if I suc-”

Blueblood held up a hoof to her face, his features dry and soulless. “No my dear, I prefer to be the one doing the suc-” He cut off as he began sniffing at the air. “Is, is something burning in here?” He asked, his poshness receding slightly.

Celestia gave him a surprised look. “Umm… Blueblood, you’re on fire,” she said, no trace of emotion betraying anything from ordinary circumstances.

“Really?” He said, glancing over his burning limbs as the hair and skin turned to ash. “Well would you look at that. And when did this happen?”

“The instant Luna charged through the window and you were hit with pure sunlight,” Cadence supplied, staring intently at a familiar copy of cosmopolitan magazine, mouthing the words ‘eat it’.

Celestia narrowed her eyes at Cadence before turning back to Blueblood as he burned. “We thought you knew, would you like me to call the fire ponies?” She glanced at a ‘very’ properly hung wall clock. “With their new improved response time they can be here within about thirty minutes.”

“Oh no,” the stallion huffed, waving her off with a hoof. “Don’t go troubling yourself on my account,” he said, brushing his half melted monocle across his burning chest, the flames growing higher by the second. “I’ve grown quite tired of living.”

“Well, in that case, carry on then,” Celestia muttered, watching as he was quickly reduced to a smoking pile of ash.

“Well, that’s just jim crap and dandy,” Cadence commented, scooping some remains into a bag for later. “Now how are we supposed to have our monthly four-way?” She shrugged and looked over at the only other Alicorn that mattered. “Any ideas?”

“I have one!” A new voice shouted as Luna, now Nightmare Moon, flew in through another window. She landed next the table, laughing maniacally and holding up a certain book…

Celestia just sighed in resignation as she glanced over at Cadence. “Fine, let’s hear it.”



End…?

Author's Note:

Alright people, here it comes! The next act of Poker Night! I hope at least some of you enjoy it half as much as I did writing it.
~Dollars


I laughed harder than I should have at some of this...
-Jake

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