Just a place to display our little odds and ends, anything that never really went anywhere but might be worth a laugh.
Author: Mostly Dollars, a little of Jake
Ever have a little side project that just never really took off? Or maybe it was something really good but no matter how you try you just can't seem to make it long enough to be it's own thing. well so do we, so here is a group of little shorts, deleted scenes, and whatever else we can't seem to figure out what to do with. Rated teen for the occasional random reason. Warning; much insanity ahead...
Today’s episode performed by. Celestia, Luna, Discord, Twilight, Pinkie, Chrysalis, Rarity, Fluttershy, Spike, and some other brat.
Rated 'funny' by the janitor because the critic was stuck in traffic. Thanks Scruffy!
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
“But, Celly,” Discord whined from his position on the floor, clutching at one of Princess Celestia's hooves. His shimmering eyes pleading up at her in a manner most pathetic for an immortal being.
Celestia sighed deeply as she raised a gold covered hoof to her throbbing temple. “Discord,” she said as calmly as was possible when dealing with the exuberant creature. “I cannot, in good conscience, allow the transformation of all the roads in Canterlot into giant slip 'n slides.”
“Even if it was for only…?”
“Even if it was only for one day, yes,” she said smiling down on him as he melted into a puddle, arms still grasping her leg. “Isn't there anything that you can think of to have fun without causing some world changing event for all of my little ponies?”
The Chimera stuck his lion thumb in his mouth and blew himself up like a balloon until he was back to normal again. “Well, I already played hide and seek with myself. Still not sure where I went. Now I'm just waiting to see how long it takes for Luna to realize I put hair dye in her shampoo bottle again.”
“Discord!!!” Echoed the patented royal voice from some distant part of the castle. Discord's face grew a smile so big the artist had to sharpen his pencil just to finish the sketch for the trial that was held a week later.
Celestia sighed once again, in relief this time, as the perplexing, perturbing, protagonist propelled himself perpendicularly parallel to the polished planed stonework of the floor, and passed harmlessly through a wall. “That was close, for a moment there, I thought perhaps something unfortunate was upon us all,” she said with a mischievous grin.
“You’re telling me!” Discord said as he lifted the face guard of a nearby suit of armor and poked his face out to look around. “For a moment there I thought for sure the jig was up,” he said pulling off the helmet and stepping down off the pedestal he was upon.
The Alicorn found herself wondering how she had missed the Draconequus-shaped set of armor. It seemed rather obvious in hind sight. “I would not go celebrating just yet, Discord,” Celestia smirked as she turned to watch a pair of doors burst open, revealing a steaming mad, bright pink, Luna. “You still have ‘that’ to deal with.”
“THOU WRETCHED ABOMINATION!!!” The seething lunar princess screamed loud enough to shudder the walls around them. “WE SHALL DESTROY THEE!!!” She bolted for the chaos spirit as he struggled to remove the last boot from his hoof before taking off down the hallway at blinding speed, laughing all the way.
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
One hilariously un-written run through the castle later.
“And that is why you never sword fight with a freshly caught sword fish,” Discord said closing the photo album and blinking it away while picking up his tongs to turn the veggie dogs on the grill. “Turns out those buggers can fly, even in December,” he said shaking his head with a shudder.
“What!?” Screamed a certain pink party pony from over by another grill. “That’s crazy! Every pony here knows fish can’t fly in December! Gas gets too expensive so they take the train like the rest of us,” she said flipping a cupcake with her spatula, the treat somehow making a meat-like sizzle.
“Um… I don’t mean to interrupt, Discord,” Twilight said as she wheeled up in her wheelchair. “But what did any of that have to do with explaining where you got that horrible Easy Button?” The mare asked with a flinch at the very name, an act that several others shared in kind.
“For once I am inclined to agree with Miss Sparkle,” Chrysalis mused as she set her lemonade down to accept another hot dog from Discord. “You did very little by way of explaining, and I must say my curiosity is piqued.”
“And don’t leave out any of the details Q, or Discord, or whatever name you’re going by around here,” Picard said from his seat, smiling politely as he accepted another well done cupcake from Pinkie Pie.
Discord pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “What more is there to tell that hasn't been told already?” He said looking around at his guests seated about the campsite. “Everything noteworthy was in my part of the story that is of course, if you haven’t read my part of the story,” Discords face soured as he met their faces.
“It’s nothing personal Q,” Riker said as he helped himself to another dog. “We just don’t read much fanfiction,”
A stuttering teenage male voice that grated the ears just to hear spoke up from somewhere in the back next to Fluttershy. “I…Do, sometimes,”
“Shut up Wesley,” Dead panned everyone present who was in on the joke, even Spike who was too young to even really know what Star Trek was. Fluttershy and Diamond Tiara scooted further away from the undesirable in their midst.
“Ouch,” said a bemused newt from his seat on a lawn chair next to the ice buckets full of drinks. He took another sip of his cherry lemon-lime coconut pineapple smoothie.
“Tillook! Get lost, you aren't even supposed to be in any of these things,” Discord growled as he dumped a fresh batch of wieners on the grill. “What gives? Get back to the action story where you belong ya little punk. Story and wall jumping are Pinkie's job.”
“Aww come on Discord old buddy old chum. I just wanna hear how you found that wonderful little mischief maker, like everyone else. Even that dimwit Riker is curious,” the Newt said with a little wave. William immediately began taking more happy pills at the thought of another Q-like being entering his life.
Having finally had enough, Discord sighed aloud and began to speak, only to instantly get interrupted. “Good heavens these are amazing!” Picard praised Pinkie as he finished off his fifth cupcake and reached for another. “May I ask what you put in them to make them so, fantastic?”
Pinkie Pie grew a most innocent look on her face as her eyes darted around at her friends before replying in a shaky voice. “Oh, you know. A little of this, and a dash of that,” she said before finishing with a sqwee smile.
“Sorry I’m late every pony!” Rarity called as she trotted into the campsite, leaves and twigs sticking out of her mane and tail. “I would have been here hours ago, Rainbow Dash offered to fly me but I couldn’t find her anywhere this morning so I had to walk. Have any of you seen her today?”
Today’s episode performed by. Discord, Sombra, Trixie, Ahuizotl, Gilda, Flim, Flam, Angel and Chrysalis.
Rated ‘meh’ by Tory from accounting because the critic called in sick, again.
“And so I said, wrecked 'im? Darn near killed 'im!” Gilda yelled slamming her fist down on the table as the rest of the group burst into uncontrolled cliché villainous laughter. The griffin smirking at a job well done couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at the sight before her.
“No…No, please no more!” Ahuizotl begged between gasps from where he lay on the floor twitching uncontrollably, his tail hand slapping his face.
“The nearly ready to pass out Trixie agrees with the unwashed one, who still shows up uninvited,” Trixie said still biting back her giggles of spiteful mirth. “Trixie needs time to regain Trixies’ breath, lest she die and never go through with her new plan to destroy Twilight Snarkle.”
Discord blew a bubblegum bubble out his nose from where he hung above the table by a chandelier, still shaking with laughter. “Now don’t go getting ahead of yourself dearie, the writers back at headquarters will never allow you to actually succeed,” he said biting the end off a pixie stick and snorting the contents in one go. “Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.”
“Well that was disgusting,” Chrysalis muttered as she continued staring at a Cosmopolitan magazine, the white Alicorn on the cover holding a rather seductive pose with a banana in her mouth.
“It’s not my fault!” Discord growled from where he hung. “This writer doesn’t seem to have even the slightest idea where he’s going with this,” he said pulling a script from out of thin air. “The douche has me doing some kind of parody on a drug addict, I think. Not sure actually, now I’m supposed to ask why we’re all here and if anyone has change I can borrow.”
“Why am I the one never invited when this guy gets engraved invitations!?” Ahuizotl griped as he pointed a tail finger at the cloud as it scooped up some dip with a chip. “Seriously! The guy double dips!”
“And double parks!” Trixie added, again with generous amounts of spite. “Trixie had to circle the block three times to find a parking spot for Trixies’ wagon.”
“Oh can it smoky! No one cares if your other chariot was blown up by demons from dimension seventeen,” Gilda growled as she readied the deck of playing cards, shuffling them in a poor rendition of someone who knew what they were doing.
Ahuizotl looked around as if only just realizing something for the first time. “Is someone missing? I thought Flim and Flam usually showed up to these things.”
“Trixie agrees with the lesser unicorn. Trixie says ‘whatever’”
Chrysalis looked over at a wall clock that was leaning against the wall because they were all too lazy to hang it up properly. “For goodness sake Discord just say your stupid line already. Otherwise the plot will never move along, and I’m already late for my next appointment.”
With a huff Discord flipped the pages of his script, or would have if there had been more than one. With a scoff he cleared his throat. “Gee, I wonder why we are all here tonight?” He said in as monotone a voice as physically possible.
As if on cue the door burst open with a sudden bang and a rush of frigid air, revealing the final member of the group. A creature so frightening that most who looked upon it were driven mad by the mere sight. A being of such wrath it made gods tremble. A power of such evil intent the devil himself shuddered. The room fell deftly silent as the undisputed master among them hopped into the room, pausing before the table at which they all sat, nose twitching rapidly as he took in the sweet scent of their fear. He had arrived. With a deft tug of his dealers cap, Angel took his place at the head of the round table, a devilish smirk on his little bunny face.
“Do any of you lot know how to play poker?” Gilda muttered staring at the cards in her talons with a sudden look of realization.
Rated ‘needs work’ by the guy I sat next to on the bus the other day because the critic won’t answer his phone, again.
Applejack yawned as she emerged from the house and looked around the farm in the early morning light, as far as mornings go it was alright. Her ear twitched at the sound of her brother's voice coming from somewhere around the side of the house. Having nothing better to do, she made her way around to the backside of the building and stopped next her brother. “Mornin, Big Mack,” she said glancing up to the roof with a look of mild boredom and overall disinterest at what he was staring at.
“Mornin A.J.” He said in his usual tone, face betraying nothing out of the ordinary. He simply sighed in resignation as he chewed on a piece of straw stuck between his teeth.
“Any idea as ta what set 'er off this time?” Applejack asked with barely any genuine interest whatsoever.
“She been up there long?”
“You call Braeburn yet?”
“He on his way?”
“Caramel misplace the big ladder again?”
“We got one long enough to git er down?”
Applejack sighed as she turned to walk back inside. “Well I best go wake up Applebloom then, Somepony needs too.”
Big Mac watched her leave with a hint of envy, she always got to leave when this happened. He returned his gaze to the very top of the roof, trying to figure out exactly how Granny managed to get an entire Loom up there.
Today’s episode performed by. A bunch of OC ponies that no one will likely ever care about. Rated ‘that’s awesome, can I have my quarter now?’ By a hobo that sleeps out behind the building I work at. I think his name is Steve, or Stan, something like that. Anyway I asked him to look at it because the critic got in some kind of legal trouble, I don’t know what it was but apparently he’s in Belize and there’s illegal animal trafficking and counterfeit toiletries involved. Don’t ask, I can’t say for sure. What else was I going to say? Ehh whatever, let’s just get to the news shall we?
“Dude cut it out and just hold the camera still! What, I don’t know the little red light is on, Are we, are we good? Yes, Ok.”
“Lens Cap, get the lens cap!”
“Sorry, ok we’re good.”
“Alright everypony, we are on in five, four, three, two,”
“Goooood morning Equestria! It’s seven AM which means it’s time once more for the top stories of the morning, with your hosts. Instant Report.”
“And Morning Gossip. Good morning. Our first story today takes us over to the little town of Ponyville, where if sources and eyewitnesses are to be believed, a tortoise was spotted flying around town by means of what has been called an impossible act of engineering by several mechanics our onsite reporter has managed to track down. Where this flying phenomenon came from and what its intentions are remain a mystery. Personally I think I speak for all of us when I say that I welcome our new tortoise overlord with open hooves.”
“Huh, terrifying. Thank you Morning, in other news the Friendship Express reported that one of its trains derailed about thirty miles south of Manehattan a little before two this morning, all aboard were killed as well as a massive spill of radioactive magical waste being dumped into the Amethyst river. Officials say the, and I quote, ‘horribly toxic waste will pose no immediate threat to the city’s population and that everypony should remain in their homes. Those bastards are all dead anyway…’ Oh, I don’t think I was supposed to read that part. Uh, let’s see here, ah yes. After further investigation officials declared that a deviation in solar winds were the cause of the crash and are therefore calling for government assistance in shielding the railway against insurance claims made by the loved ones killed by the crash.”
“So tragic, Instant Report thank you. When was the last time you just took the afternoon and went for a relaxing canter through the woods? Well next time you do you might want to bring a few friends along, ponies have been going missing all across the country over the past month and the crown has decided that you should all probably know about it. The missing ponies tend to be mares, typically between the ages of eighteen and twenty two. None have been found with very little evidence of the culprit involved.”
“Interesting report there, I should probably call my little cousin, later. Canterlot was all abuzz yesterday when an explosion of confetti showered the capitol. Upon an investigation of the castle grounds it was found that a Newt possessing insane magical abilities was encouraging a pep rally of sorts against Celestia’s rule against changing the roads in Canterlot into giant slip n’ slides. You go little fella!”
“Oh what a world we live in, isn’t it wonderful? So many good ponies doing such interesting things.”
“Yes, truly wonderful.”
“When we come back, seven normal everyday household items that may help improve your golf swing.”
“And cut! Alright people that’s a wrap, take thirty.”
Today’s episode brought to you by all the dedicated performers and behind the scenes crewmembers here at JakeAndDollars. Just a little something the editorial staff threw together while the legal department tracks down the critic, he’s still M.I.A.
Episode rated, “Do you mind?! I’m trying to memorize here!” By the actress who voiced the voice in Star Swirl’s head. That’s a spoiler by the way, sorry. Ok, roll it!
3 2 1 …
The director sat tall in his funny folding chair and held the megaphone up to his mouth. “Ok, places everybody! Infinity’s End, chapter one, scene two, take three. And, action!”
Star Swirl entered stage left, moving along the snow covered trail. His face wistful, and full of determination. He came to a stop, a confused look on his face.
Star Swirl looked around. “Was I supposed to call out first? I thought the owl called out here?”
The director groaned softly then called out. “Cut! Simon! Where’s the dang owl? This is his scene.”
Simon, the set’s animal trainer trotted up. “Sorry sir, I thought he was ready. I just left him on the branch but now he’s gone!”
The director rolled his eyes and scowled at Simon. “Well don’t just stand there! Go find him! We only have twenty minutes until we’re scheduled to be over at stage three.”
Simon nodded and turned to leave. “On it, who left the damn window open!?” He shrieked like a little girl, just so you know.
Star Swirl looked at the director with a hopeful expression. “Would this be a good time for me to use the restroom?”
Infinity’s End. Chapter one, scene eight. Take five.
The director made a chopping motion with a foreleg. “And queue wind gust!” The effects team triggered the eleven hundred horsepower fan, not taking into consideration Star Swirl’s new last second position change made only moments ago by the script writer.
Star Swirl braced against the wind but could obviously be seen lifting into the air slightly. “Fuuuuuu….!” He hurtled backward off set, right into the minutes taker as he tried to leap out of t…
Infinity’s End. Chapter one, scene twelve. Take one.
Star Swirl began to relight the path lanterns, they brightened as the master electrician for the set turned up the power on a master voltmeter from off screen. The carefully concealed bulbs in the lanterns brighten until they’re just perfect, then keep getting brighter, and brighter…
Star Swirl glanced uncertainly at the team. “Uhh…Guys? Are they supposed to be that bright? Guys?” He said whilst backing away slowly.
One by one the bulbs began exploding, sending sparks and shattered glass all around the stage, one of the plywood trees caught fire. The screen cut to black.
White noise for several seconds.
Infinity’s End. Chapter one, scene fifteen, revised. Take fourteen.
Star Swirl stood alone in a corridor inside Canterlot castle, Celestia’s voice began to speak to him from seemingly nowhere.
Celestia spoke her lines as though sad. “I was merely practicing that new invisibility spell you showed us during our session yesterday.” Celestia materialized next to Star Swirl, sort of.
Star Swirl looked at Celestia, his nose scrunching as he raised a hoof to his face. “Umm…” He burst into uncontrollable laughter as he pointed to her legs. An apparent green screen malfunction causing her to only appear from the knees up.
Luna is later spotted off screen paying off the computer personnel.
Infinity’s End. Scene seventeen, take eight.
Celestia smiled and spoke clearly. “I can’t possibly sneak up on somepony with these horseshoes one either.” She waved her leg around to show off the golden horseshoe to the camera, it flew off and smashed a window.
The director sighed in frustration and yelled. “Cut!” From outside the broken window a boom operator leaned over to look into the set.
Infinity’s End. Chapter one. Scene twenty one, take two.
Star Swirl was standing at the edge of the ravine, “building” the bridge to cross the creek. He stopped with a… Confused look over at the director. “Hey, I’m a unicorn right?” The Director nodded with a sigh. “Then what the fuck am I doing building a bridge out in the middle of a fucking blizzard? Wouldn’t I just teleport across?”
The director sighed loudly with exasperation and flipped through some notes. “It’s supposed to be symbolic, and apparently will have some kind of later plot importance.”
A rake slid over in front of Star Swirl and smoothed out the snow.
Infinity’s End. Chapter one, scene twenty four, take thirty nine.
Celestia was standing in the hallway talking with Star Swirl. Sad music played in the background to set the mood. “But what if someday I do need you? Or the Star Order? You’re the last of that powerful bloodline. Do not forget the oath you made.” For once she managed to squeeze out the saline tears on queue and continue the scene. “An oath to be there whenever I had need of y… Ah ha ha ha haaaaa oh haa haa aaaa…” She fell over laughing, again.
Take forty four.
Celestia tried yet again. “An oath to be thhhhha haa hhhaaa grrith stopth haaa haaa tha haaa you basta haahrdd!!!” Starswirl turned to face the camera, the view zooming in on his face. His eyes were crossed and he had stuck his tongue out.
Infinity’s End. Chapter one. Scene thirty, take eight.
Star Swirl’s voice could be heard off screen. “I’m dying Luna.” Luna stared off into space for a moment, suddenly her face lit up. “Yes!” She cheered with a hoof pump.
Infinity’s End. Chapter one. Scene forty seven. Take one.
Star Swirl walked up to the bed, slowly pulled back the covers, started laughing, then walked away.
Twilight Sparkle was laying on the bed in a seductive pose, a sultry look on her face. “Hey there,” she said in a low bedroom voice. Everyone on set cracked up.
Today’s episode performed by, our wonderful staff of hard working severely overpaid actors, interns, and stunt ponies. No, but seriously they are an amazing bunch of ponies, people, and other assorted life forms without which none of these projects would be possible. So what do you say we show our appreciation by displaying all there most laughable moments for all the world to see…? Somebody grab Luna please… Before she can get to the door!
Anyway, rated ‘outtakes again?’ by Jen from the locations coordinators office, because we still can’t get any word on the critic from the Polish government. Why are we still paying this guy? Seriously, the boob hasn't been to work in like four months. Whatever, just roll the tape.
3 2 1 …
Infinity’s End. Chapter two. Scene two. Take four.
“Miss Pie, would you please stop flirting with Lens Cap so he can reset the camera?” The Director groaned as he leaned back in his chair, positively flummoxed from the day spent in close proximity to the exuberant mare. And he thought Rarity was bad. “Need I remind you we need to get this scene wrapped up sometime within the next hour?”
The pink ball of fluff smiled sheepishly and turned back to where Twilight waited patiently on the floor. “Oh…Yeah, sorry double J.”
“Please don’t call me that,” He said whilst leaning down and accepting another set of notes from another pony. He quickly flipped through the pages with expert hooves. “Right, places! Lights! Camera! Actiooo-god!”
Everyone present screamed as a large ceiling mounted light crashes to the floor in the middle of the set, sending out shards of glass and sparks everywhere, and starting multiple fires. The camera fell over as the operator ran away. Black screen.
White noise with loud beeping noise.
Infinity’s End. Chapter two. Scene seven. Take nine.
The director sipped delicately at his fresh coffee, deeply appreciating its warmth as he watched the last prop being placed into position. It was time. “Ok, ladies, to your marks. Stop that Dash. And, action!”
“Sometimes I worry about her,” Twilight said, pretending to watch Pinkie disappear into the rain. Rain that wasn’t there.
With perfect timing as always Rainbow Dash frowned and glanced over at Twilight from her place on the couch. “What do you mean sometimes?” She asked, keeping perfect time with the script. “I worry about that mare all the time.”
“Oh please,” Twilight said slightly before she’s supposed to as she closes the door. “She’s ju…”
The door promptly fell off its hinges and flattened her to the floor.
Infinity’s End. Chapter two. Scene thirteen. Take one.
Granny smith turned away from the camera. “Been some time since we’ve had’s us a good sky show round here,” She managed that perfect warble in her voice that the director praised so greatly as she exited the room. “Who wants some cideeeeaaahhhhhh!!!!” Followed by the sound of someone falling down stairs.
Infinity’s End. Chapter two. Scene fifteen. Take thirty one.
“Yeah I know right, so after the twentieth slip or so with that damn needle I figured now would be a good time to call you and see how negotiations were going with that Disney film, really! That’s great! Wait, what? Double! Damn straight I’ll take it! No way, I’ll be on the first plane out in the morning! Thanks Tillook I owe you big, you’re the best agent ever!”
Infinity’s End. Chapter two. Scene seventeen. Take three.
“I’m so exciteeeeahahhhhhhh!!!” Luna said/yelled as she landed on the edge of the balcony, and promptly fell off.
Infinity’s End. Chapter two. Scene twenty. Take eleven.
“And what is that?” Luna asked, looking back up at her sister.
“What you said to me the night after you go…” Vvvvvrrvvvvv! You have one new message!
Infinity’s End. Chapter two. Scene thirty six. Take one.
“Oh, sorry miss Cheerilee I didn’t see you there,” Pinkie said, relatively in time with the script.
“How could you not see me standing right here in front of you?”
“Well that’s easy to explain! I was watching Rainbow Dash flying toward sugarcube corner with something amazing to tell me!”
Cheerilee looked over her shoulder at the closed wooden doors. “Umm, how can you see Rainbow Dash if the door is closed Pinkie?”
“Oh, it will be open soon,” Pinkie replied.
A loud whooshing sound was heard from outside the door. It drew closer, closer, and…Bam! The doors shook furiously from a tremendous impact, but otherwise, remained closed.
Infinity’s End. Chapter two. Scene thirty eight. Take four.
“Oh my gosh, is it something for pranking?” Dash asked excitedly.
“Well I guess it could be after I’m finished using it for its practical purpose,” Pinkie said as she reached for the prop under the counter. Her face scrunched up in confusion as she brought her find up for everyone to see. Grasped in her hoof was a certain half crazed newt wearing an outfit that went perfectly with his Fonzie impression. “Aaaaayyyy.”
Infinity’s End. Chapter two. Scene forty. Take two.
Twilight reached for her tea, bumped it with her hoof, and knocked it over. “SHIT!” She suddenly turned to the camera with wide eyes and a hoof pressed to her mouth as half the crew starts laughing.
The tape jumps off the reel and bounces across the floor, white screen. Static.
“Hello, and welcome to the very first episode of How to Survive Equestria for Dummies. Chapter One, the Everfree Forest, I am your narrator, Narrator. Today’s episode performed by, Anon, from Cincinnati. Anon shall be our stand-in for those of you that find yourselves in any of the following situations. Let’s begin shall we?”
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
“Now then, as with most Human in Equestria stories we find our character waking up somewhere within the Everfree forest, note the looks of disorientation and mild confusion. Not to worry Anon, these will pass with time. For now I would suggest going about attaining your bearings.”
“What, who’s there? I don’t, ow my head…Where the hell am I? Clark? Anyone!?”
“Tsk. Tsk. Anon you just broke the number one rule of the Everfree. Audience, pay close attention, this could be you someday after all. Whilst lost in a strange magical forest, one should not draw attention to oneself. Especially not in this forest, humans aren’t the scariest things out here.”
“Who’s talking? Hey! Answer me! How did I get here? And why do you keep calling me Anon? My na-”
“You see audience, in a survival scenario such as this it is imperative to keep a calm clear mind, and a strong sense of your surroundings. Otherwise, things could get out of hand very quickly. And remember, standing around shouting at the sky is never recommended.”
“Oh, to heck with you then, there has to be a road or something around here. Hey my phone!”
“Another note of warning to all it may concern, cellphones are of little use here in Equestria as signal strength may vary depending on your provider. Verizon customers, you should be fine though roaming charges may apply. Everyone else, don’t hold your breath.”
“What! No service! Aw screw you AT&T! Hah! Take that you stupid piece of shit phone!”
~ “Achievement unlocked!” ~
“What just hap…?”
“Congratulations Anon! You have just successfully hunted for sustenance, a vital commodity required for continued survival here in the forest. Now, before any competing predators show themselves and steal the hard earned kill you should retrieve your prize and leave the area.”
“Hey! I thought I said to heck with you, get lost so I can figure this out!”
“The hell was that?”
“Oh my, everyone take notes. This is exactly why you should always remain calm and quiet within the Everfree. You never know when one of the many cliché plot necessary monsters will show up. Now, in this particular encounter we have a fine specimen of the Timber wolf cliché. Be sure to note that most attacks will originate from the east, this is a clever, if not overused tactic by the writers to encourage the main character to retreat in the direction of the next act.”
“Oh god! The hell is that thing?! No! Stay back!”
“Just remember to keep calm and flutter on… Wait, sorry wrong card.”
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
“Another important thing is to find shelter before the darkness sets in, night comes on quickly here in the forest. Now, in such a case many humans have the immediate desire for light, and therefore fire.”
“Come on you stupid wood, light! Damn it!”
“This is not necessarily the best course of action, particularly if you do not understand the fundamentals of fire building in a natural environment.”
“What?! You again! I thought I finally got away from you.”
“And I would have thought you had learned your lesson about shouting up at the sky by now…”
“Oh come on!!!”
/ / / / / / / / / / /
“Now another important thing in the Everfree is shelter. Being human in this place, contrary to many people’s belief, does not make you master of anything. Least of all your environment as is made quite evident when rain and wind show themselves.”
“Ha! Shows what you know, stupid voice. I outwitted your stupid Timberwhatsit, twice! And besides, it’s not raining, or windy.”
“Sigh. First of all Anon, you did not ‘outwit’ the wolf, you climbed a tree and whimpered like a little girl until it got bored and went away. Secondly, you just challenged nature in the middle of a magical forest that already hates you for being different.”
“Are, are you calling this place racist?”
“Moving on! Again take notes audience; always remember that, to build a proper lean-to in the forest it is absolutely imperative to ensure the structural stability of the thing your cover is leaning on. More importantly, that it is not leaning on the snout of a sleeping Dragon.”
“A sleeping what?”
“And just what do you think you are doing!?”
“Son of a…”
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
“Alright then, now that we seem to have stumbled into the perfect opportunity for it, let’s go explore a natural cave system!”
“Oh screw you, I’m sitting right here until that monster out there goes away. Then I’m booking it straight to that pathway I saw on the way in here. So you can just sod off and die!”
“Oh Anon, you’re so adorable when you’re angry. Very well, we are out of time anyway. Okay class, you are all dismissed, be sure to turn in your displacement theory worksheets on your way out and keep hold of today’s notes. There will be a test on Thursday. As for you viewers on the interweb, be sure to join us next time on How to Survive Equestria for Dummies, Ponyville Edition. How to interact with Ponies and other assorted sentient beings of Equestria. Goodnight!”
Welcome to the third instalment of The Cutting Room Floor. Today’s episode brought to you by popular demand and by serious lack of inspiration to work on the intended projects piled up on our hard drives. The episode has been rated “The hell is this?” by a gas station attendant I annoy from time to time, because the critic has apparently fled from authorities and is now somewhere in Africa. In lighter news our insurance finally decided to pay the studios for the recent damages.
3 2 1 …
Infinity’s End. Chapter three. Scene two. Take one.
From off screen the voice that’s supposed to be in discord’s head began his lines from the top of his part for the scene. “You should quit while you still have a miniscule shred of dignity…” He cut off as Discord’s young Discord double started laughing.
“Ok.” The double said, before turning and walking off set, still laughing.
“You should quit while you still have a miniscule shred of dign-”
“aaaahhhhaaaaaaaahahaaaaaaha…” The double rolled across the floor holding his ribs. The voice over actor left the set and headed for his trailer, pulling at his hair.
Infinity’s End. Chapter three. Scene six. Take two.
“Oh have a little faith M,” the double laughed on time with the script, for once. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
The recording artist stepped out of the sound booth shaking his head. “Sorry, batteries in the mic just died.”
Infinity’s End. Chapter three. Scene nine. Take one.
“Forgive my lack of enthusiasm,” a subtle sound of shifting paper could be heard over the playback, but the director let it slide. He really wanted them to get this scene right as soon as possible. “Now, are you going to release all that energy, or do you plan on, just, ch…Changing…Charade…I, I can’t read my own handwriting…” He slapped his forehead and started laughing.
Infinity’s End. Chapter three. Scene ten. Take four.
The director placed his face in his palms and started muttering to himself as the camera panned back to the green screen room set up across from his chair.
“Roar! No? uhh…RRROOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRR!” The young Discord double looked down at his script and frowns. “So, like, what’s my motivation again?” He asked whilst tilting his head and putting his hands on his hips.
Infinity’s End. Chapter three. Scene eleven. Take sixteen.
The director’s grip on his large white megaphone was white knuckle tight as he began to yell out his instructions. “Alright everyone, places! Queue music! Lights! Camera one, roll! Camera two at stand by! And, ActiooOHSHIT!” The director bellowed as his chair fell over backwards.
Infinity’s End. Chapter three. Scene fifteen. Take one.
“Focus, it’s all about focus. Also not blowing up half the kingdom while you’re at it would be nice.” The ‘voice in head’ actor said dryly as he plodded through his next line with the enthusiasm of a dead house plant.
“Cut!!!” The director knocked his chair over in anger as he rose and berated the actor. “You’re not even on the damned screen! Just look at your script!”
“Infinity’s End. Chapter three. Scene… Alright let’s be honest here, there wasn’t really a whole lot of material for this chapter, soo… Yeah. I don’t know, should I just like, stand here and jingle some keys, or something?” Puts hand up to ear, whispers then smiles mischievously. “Really? Great, they should really love that. Okay folks, slight change in plans here, I was just informed we have another little something thrown together for all of you. Drum roll please!”
“Uhh, we don’t have any drums…”
“Oh, well in that case just roll the tape then. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls!... Please don’t mistake this half assed cobbling of scraps for actual entertainment, and yes, more is sure to come. Unfortunately…”
The Cutting Room Floor, Outtakes Four
Hello again everyone and welcome to another wonderful installment of our outtakes collection. Today we have a nice selection from the Infinity’s End universe side story, The Star Order Chronicles that will feature some of the many random things that occurred on set. Additionally we would like to point out that this selection may contain spoilers for said story as well as no proper rating as the Critic is now on the run from authorities somewhere in Denmark, still managing to update his Twitter though…
Anyway, here are a few of our favorite moments from filming in more or less order, enjoy.
3 2 1 …
The Star Order Chronicles, scene five, take one.
“Okay Star Swirl, for this one I’m going to need to see some more emotion, alright. I mean, I really didn’t want to say anything, but. You emote about as well as my car right before it runs out of gas,” the director said, leaning forward to peer at the shivering pony from behind his ridiculously oversized shades.
“Yeah… Um, just gonna skim right over that in favor of a decent paycheck, but,” he said, trailing off as he looked at the, to be honest, insane number of cables and high wire trapeze systems set up around the area. “Shouldn’t I have a stunt double for this? It doesn’t look particularly, safe.”
“Oh, now he wants a stunt pony!” The director groaned, rubbing his temples. “Actors.”
“I think maybe I should call my lawyer,” Star Swirl grumbled, turning to walk back to his place for the next take.
Bolting upright in his chair the director cleared his throat. “What was that?” He asked sweetly. “I couldn’t hear you over the sound of your contract bursting into flames…”
“Oh, nothing, nothing!” Star Swirl said smartly, quickly clipping back into the harness attached to the severely over complicated rigging system above, a very forced grin plastered on his face.
“That’s what I thought,” the director hissed triumphantly. He grinned to himself in victory, just as his evil twin dumped a tub of snow over him from behind.
The Star Order Chronicles, scene seventeen, take one.
Star Swirl had just escaped the pursuing yeti… “Took you long enough,” came a voice from his right near an outcropping of rock as another pony materialized out of the snow and approached him. “I was unavoidably detained,” the stallion said moving toward his fellow member. “Good morning Silver. Did you get yours?” He asked, still fiddling with his cloak. “Of course I did Star Swirl,” the rather shiny silver pony said somewhat proudly. “What do you think I am? Some sort of slacker?” “Come now Silver Spark, I would never say that. To your face,” Silver Spark punched Star Swirl in the face. “Oh you whore!”
The Star Order Chronicles, scene twenty, take two.
Star Shine had just saved Star Swirl and Silver Spark from the yetis with her shield and approached them…
Resolving from the swirling snow, with a very annoyed look on her face, was a unicorn mare. She bore an apprentice cloak as they did, though hers was adorned with a mark of attachment as she had been chosen by a specific master of the order. Under said cloak was a gorgeous golden yellow coat that grew brighter as it reached her hooves. Her mane was a vivid orange giving her the look of a sunrise. Completing her beauty were a pair of deep pink eyes that had a sense of absolute intelligence behind them. If looks could kill, both stallions would have dropped from her mere presence. “Oh… Hey there, Star Shine,” Silver Spark spluttered, from his position underneath Star Swirl. “Uhh… It’s exactly what it looks like…” Everyone on set cracked up laughing as the two continued to play cuddle.
“So anyhow,” Celestia said bored, licking her upper lip as she examined her cards carefully. “That is why those drawings must never see the light of day ever again, simply ghastly!” She raised an eyebrow and slid a few chips forward.
Luna growled from where she sat, the night princess glared daggers at her sister, but alas, Celestia’s smugness made for the perfect shield and deflected the emotional weapons with ease. “They wasn’t that bad sistah!” She scoffed, glancing around the table at the others in embarrassment. “I were seven, and pentagrams overlaid with camel runes is tricky!”
“Oh relax, Lulu,” Cadence said sweetly, leaning over and rubbing a hoof gingerly along the base of her wings, causing an immediate reaction. “Celestia, must you be so mean to poor Luna?” She asked, watching happily as a pair of large wings slowly unfolded under her ministrations, sneaking a peek at Luna’s cards as she did so. “Tis not her fault she was born slow.”
Luna leaned forward, tugging her wings away from the pink princess and giving the stiffening appendages an inspecting flap. “Hey! I is not slow! I win lots of races!” She flipped her mane around indignantly, knocking away a servant pony as he tried to help her count out a proper counter wager. Normally she would deny such aid, as it did not become royalty. But this was big mare poker; it sometimes involved tens of bits! And doing all that counting was boring.
“So tense, mmm,” Cadence leaned in close and inhaled deeply, smelling Luna’s back and twitching slightly. “You know Luly, a nice calm relaxing mineral bath would do you wonders, especially if you had somepony around to help suc-”
Celestia cleared her throat, not so subtly attracting the love princess’ attention as Luna became distracted by a convenient red dot on the wall, somewhere nearby a Phoenix strained not to fall off her perch with laughter. “Cadence, please, I know you crawled out of your mother horny, wanting nothing but to buck every living thing in sight,” she said sighing, placing a hoof to her temple. “But please, just for tonight could you let up on your advances towards my sister? I doubt that she understands anyway,” Celestia’s eyes tracked Luna as she knocked her chair over and galloped off in hot pursuit of the dot.
Cadence looked at her for a moment, seeming stunned by the words. “My apologies, I, did not realize it offended you so,” she said, a mask of mischievousness hinting at her tone.
“You’re damn right it offends me!” Celestia shouted, leaning forward with a predatory look. “How dare you pay her such attention! What about me you candy-colored snog hog!” She pounded a hoof down on the table as Luna charged back through the room, covered in a set of expensive looking curtains. “What, am I not hot enough for you? Are my bribes not obvious enough? I gave you an entire kingdom for the sake of me!”
“Cadence leaned away, an impish smile playing across her muzzle. “Well, I really didn’t want to say anything, but,” A loud crash cut her off as moon but ran straight out a window.
“But what?!” Celestia screamed, her horn crackling with golden energy. “Stop spluttering and say it!” She demanded.
“Well,” Cadence muttered, glancing fearfully at the power pointed in her direction. “You’re getting kinda fat, so you see, it’s not me, it’s you,” she scrunched down in her seat a bit. “Maybe if you would just lay off the cake a tad, I might be a bit more inclined to suc-”
“Love me damn you!” Celestia bellowed as she drug the pink mare across the table, wrestling her limbs aside for a kiss.
“Ladies, ladies, please,” came an impossibly posh, regal, charming, and pompous voice. The two wrestling mares, both covered in chocolate syrup now for some reason, looked up at the fourth member of their game. Somehow the author had completely forgotten he was even there. “I am trying to concentrate here.”
“Apologies, Blueblood,” Celestia said, straining against Cadence as she fought for top position atop the table. They slowly returned to their respective chairs as he watched them, an eyebrow raised behind a ridiculously sized monocle. “That’s better, shame on you two, behaving in such a way,”
Cadence cleared her throat, spitting out a few white feathers. “Sorry Blue, would it make you feel better if I suc-”
Blueblood held up a hoof to her face, his features dry and soulless. “No my dear, I prefer to be the one doing the suc-” He cut off as he began sniffing at the air. “Is, is something burning in here?” He asked, his poshness receding slightly.
Celestia gave him a surprised look. “Umm… Blueblood, you’re on fire,” she said, no trace of emotion betraying anything from ordinary circumstances.
“Really?” He said, glancing over his burning limbs as the hair and skin turned to ash. “Well would you look at that. And when did this happen?”
“The instant Luna charged through the window and you were hit with pure sunlight,” Cadence supplied, staring intently at a familiar copy of cosmopolitan magazine, mouthing the words ‘eat it’.
Celestia narrowed her eyes at Cadence before turning back to Blueblood as he burned. “We thought you knew, would you like me to call the fire ponies?” She glanced at a ‘very’ properly hung wall clock. “With their new improved response time they can be here within about thirty minutes.”
“Oh no,” the stallion huffed, waving her off with a hoof. “Don’t go troubling yourself on my account,” he said, brushing his half melted monocle across his burning chest, the flames growing higher by the second. “I’ve grown quite tired of living.”
“Well, in that case, carry on then,” Celestia muttered, watching as he was quickly reduced to a smoking pile of ash.
“Well, that’s just jim crap and dandy,” Cadence commented, scooping some remains into a bag for later. “Now how are we supposed to have our monthly four-way?” She shrugged and looked over at the only other Alicorn that mattered. “Any ideas?”
“I have one!” A new voice shouted as Luna, now Nightmare Moon, flew in through another window. She landed next the table, laughing maniacally and holding up a certain book…
Celestia just sighed in resignation as she glanced over at Cadence. “Fine, let’s hear it.”
Dear princess Celestia, this is your loyal subject Applejack, Element ‘O honesty and friend of Twilight Sparkle. Now, I don’t mean to cause alarm or nothin’ of the like, but to me this feels like something yah might want to know about. Seeing as it involves several branches of your government.
Now, in no way am I trying to point hooves or sully names, but I do want this brought to light as soon as possible. Better late than never, I guess. Firstly, is the abysmal state of our country’s border patrol. As you may have gathered from Twi’s letter yesterday, I am not writing from my home in Ponyville, but from the home of my cousin Braeburn out in Appleloosa.
I was out early this morning, taking a walk along the river separating Equestria from Mexicolt, when I saw a Minotaur extremist fall into the rushing waters from the other side, attempting to cross. Illegally. He was struggling to stay afloat due to all the weapons and bombs he was carrying, looked awfully heavy to me.
Along with him was a Changeling, also attempting to cross. Illegally. Alas, he too was struggling to keep above the water, weighed down as he was by the large satchel of drugs strapped to his back. Now, I am certainly no pony to judge another, pony. But…
Wanting to be a responsible citizen and do the right thing, knowing full well that if they did not receive aid that they would surely drown, I immediately informed the proper authorities. Being the local sheriff’s office, as well as homeland security.
Which is what brings me to my next point of concern. The postal service. It is now well past four in the evening, both have drowned and neither authority has responded. Forgive me if I seem frazzled your majesty, but I’m beginning to think I wasted two stamps…
Sincerely yours, Applejack.
P.S. On a positive note, looks like I’ll be able to fill that ‘special’ order for you now…
You really should, after all he actually had the gall to leave a comment asking for it…
To anyone curious as to the fate of the critic… pretty sure he’s dead… At least I would be if his Facebook didn’t keep updating… Then I remembered that it’s really just me sitting in front of a cheap laptop writing pony words, and all this is just in my head.
What follows is not rated at all because I’m not a critic in any legal sense of the word, though I should probably warn you about the severely random sludge you’re about to read. It may cause, moistening of the eyes, fits of uncontrolled laughter, and possible hiccups.
A blaring alarm shattered the silence of the cozy little bedroom, announcing to all within earshot that it was time to return to their depressing realities, a soulless reminder of things to come. At least it was until a shoe knocked the wretched destroyer of dream castles from its high and mighty dresser throne, and not a horseshoe like you’d probably expect, I mean a literal shoe. A big Nike sports shoe to be exact, size sixteen.
“Bucker, I’ma gonnn…” Mumbled a depressingly colored quadruped as it rolled over under the sheets, not realizing his already precarious position and slipping right off the mattress, murdering several innocent dust bunnies as they scampered about the floor, bringing sudden and tragic ends to their little dust bunny lives. Standing, the pony plodded towards his bathroom, ignoring the large picture window displaying the great city in all of its splendor. Being ravaged by the Changeling swarm.
Finishing the timeless morning tradition honored by stallions everywhere, and also taking a quick pee, he moved then to the kitchen to partake in the next part of the ritual, most commonly enacted by the, bachelor herd. Ramen noodles and cheap coffee. Grabbing the last packet out of its place, safely stored between the laundry soap and cat litter, he laid it on the piano bench table and opened the fridge. “ZULE MOTHA BUCKER!!!”
Blurry, unfocused eyes resting firmly on his prize, the brain drowned all attempts at the ears frantic messages to get through, coffee always came first. And coffee, needed creamer. And six lumps of sugar. Seven on a Monday, and nine on a Friday.
“ARE YOU A G-!” Crunch!
Ignoring the gyrating portal in the back of the fridge he retrieved his prize and shut the door, thoroughly smashing the emerging demon’s face into the side of a three week old box of eggs. “If anypony asks,” he muttered, setting everything on the table, glancing out another window at the embattled city, an explosion lighting up the background. “Damn, looks like rain,” he muttered tiredly.
Starting his coffee brewing the, apparently a Unicorn, flipped through a few bits of mail left on the floor near his door. “Bill, bill, bill, notice of eviction, notice of repossession, court summons, and an IRS threat letter,” another explosion shook the apartment, rattling the toaster right off the table onto the floor where it promptly ejected yesterdays entrapped endeavor to toast an uncut bagel.
Without missing a beat the pony caught the stale projectile out of the air and kept right on reading. “Bill, bill, bill, bill, sweet! I won a free Ipad!”
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
“Instant Report! You put that down this instant!” Called the orange mare as she trotted over to her companion, the stallion in question tearing his attention away from the half dozen battered changelings held in his grasp, an anchor chain off a ship wrapped around their throats tethering them to his raised hoof.
“But, darlin’, these pests are running around tearing up the city!” Instant Report replied, a gruff scowl crossing his muzzle as he effortlessly swung the bug ball into the side of a building, eliciting hisses of pain from the changelings. “Can’t I just…?”
“No! Instant, we managed to get one day off this whole month while the studio gets deloused,” she paused to smack away an errant fireball with a wing, the appendage glowing for a moment afterward. “I refuse to spend it working, besides, we promised Lens Cap to meet for shawarma, and I’ll not see even a hint of disappointment on the poor kid’s face,” the mare enunciated her point with a swift stomp, cracking the cobble street by accident.
“He’s three thousand and twelve, Morning. A little old to be calling him kid. Don’t you think?” Instant said with a little shake of his head, dropping the end of the chain as he approached his mare. “Alright, you win, no working.”
Morning Gossip couldn’t help but smile as the pair turned and headed down the road, even as Instant dragged the chain along with him, snapping the massive links as absentmindedly as one might pull apart old string. They made their way through the streets, paying the battling factions no mind as they fought, not so much as flinching at explosions, nor the arrows that simply bounced from their hides.
“Mortals,” Instant muttered as a sword shattered over his brow, the user sent flying back by not but a sigh. “Do you think they will ever learn?”
Morning Gossip tittered softly, shaking her head as she watched the changeling warrior stare blankly at his broken spear, the head having broken apart upon her eyeball. “I sincerely doubt it, after ten thousand years, haven’t seen much improvement, though, must say I’m a fan of this modern Equish, much faster than the old tongue.”
“Agreed,” Instant replied with a thinly veiled smile, tossing a link of chain into the air, watching as it impacted the side of a changeling war blimp. “What?” He asked as the mighty craft exploded and hurtled to the ground, burying the two in its rubble.
“Nothing,” Gossip replied with a sigh of her own, motioning them forward she pushed through the burning wreckage.
After a few minutes of negotiating the crumbling streets of downtown the two arrived at a quaint little eatery tucked away in the corner of a small square, its appearance clearly announcing to all of its foreign origins. The storefront, miraculously untouched, awaited their arrival, as did a dull gray and brown unicorn, currently deflecting massive artillery blasts with a bored expression, a few chess boards floating in a lazy circle around his table, the pieces moving at a rapid pace.
“Took you guys long enough,” Lens Cap said breathily, not even committing enough energy for a full sigh, another artillery round came down in the square, stopping abruptly just above the ground. It hovered there a second before flinging itself right back the way it came. “Please tell me you have something fun planned for today, this is just so… pedantic.”
“Uh oh,” Instant Report groaned, stepping closer to inspect the little pile of components speedily rearranging themselves on the table. “He’s using big pony words, Morning, you know what that means!”
“Well it’s hardly his fault if nothing interesting ever happens around here, you do have a knack for picking the more boring worlds dear,” Morning supplied in return, leaning in closer herself to watch the pieces begin to reassemble into a somewhat familiar shape. “And just what is that you have there?”
Lens Cap glanced down at his little project, having nearly forgotten about the device he was somewhat, nearly, surprised to see it nearing completion. “Ipad, won it in a contest, came in the mail this morning, software really sucked though, and it desperately needed more memory,” the pad finished assembling itself and floated into his grasp, with a quick flick of a hoof it turned on, booting instantly. “So, I made it better,” another energy blast flew into their midst and simply disappeared into thin air.
“Goodness, he’s playing around with their technology now? This is worse than I thought,” Instant said jokingly, blanching at the deepening stare of the third. “Alright, would it make you feel better if you got to choose the next reality we visit?”
Lens Cap looked up into the face of his elder, eyes shimmering in the light of the nearby fires. “Can we still get shawarma?” He asked, as colt like as any other child could look at that age.
Instant placed a hoof on the boy’s shoulder, nodding sagely as he moved to take a seat for himself, Morning doing the same from the other side. “Of course we can,” he said with a smile.
“Good,” Lens Cap said, the cheer just noticeable in his tone. “Because nothing else interesting ever happens around here anymore.”
Yeah, not gonna lie, I had a weird day this week. It must have affected me more than I realized if my brain spat out something like this… just, don’t take it too seriously, for your sake. Caution advised for touchy subjects and a bit of language.
Person to send the mob after ~Dollars.
Seriously, send them now!
Life, what a fickle bitch. I mean, it’s just weird how things can change so dramatically from a nice happy day, to the worst kind of hell one can imagine.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink, my hoof occasionally sliding over to the glass, only to move away again. I had just reached for it for the tenth time when a large, boisterous Griffon with a troublemaker’s demeanor stepped up next to me, grabbed up my drink, and gulped it down in one swig.
With a resounding clink he slammed the glass back down on the table. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" He demanded, leaning in menacingly. His face lost some of its malice as I burst into tears, my blubbering clearly not the response he desired.
"Come on, man," the Griffon sighed. He leaned in closer as his voice dropped to a whisper. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a grown pony crying," he slowly dropped himself into the seat next to mine. His eyes darted around for a moment, worried the other patrons might take notice of the commotion.
"This is the worst day of my life," I bawled out between sobs. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a super important meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my wagon had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my mare in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me," I sniffled a bit, realizing how much better just telling another living being was making me feel. Maybe, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all?
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I bought a drink, I dropped a capsule in and sat here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, showed up and drank the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Today’s episode performed by, Granny Smith and family. Don’t worry, no Braeburn so you can all breath normally. Unless of course you like that bozo, then sorry.
Rated “can’t you ask somebody else? I have something going on right now,” by this guy I know down at the sporting goods store, he seemed to be having a really bad day for some reason. I didn’t ask, but he had this look of dark brooding or something. Should we be concerned?
Also, I’m beginning to suspect that all these people are just figments of my imagination, especially the ones with the funny little tinfoil hats… Dollars
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
With a croaking yawn the elderly mare turned away from the warm glow of light at the end of the tunnel and allowed her eyes to slowly flutter open, smirking slyly to herself as she stretched in her cozy bed. “Ohh tha kidder,” Granny Smith chuckled softly to herself. “Some Gatekeeper, can't even beat an ol' hen at a stare down. What a yokel.”
Smiling broadly at yet another outsmarting of fate, the old mare climbed down from her bed, and promptly collapsed to the floor, the dull thud accompanying her was drowned out a moment later in cackling laughter. “Oh righty, you ol’ kidder you,” Granny said with a humorous grin, giving her cutie mark a couple of smacks. The hip creaked in response as it attempted once again to support her weight. “Come on ya lazy git, there be chores ta do!”
Emitting a sound not unlike a rusty spring, Granny Smith rose from her prone position just in time for her bedroom door to burst open. An anxious Applejack strode inside. “You alright Granny? I heard a noise like somepony fallin’ over,” she said, glancing around for a moment in search of anything amiss.
“Never you mind youngin,” Granny replied as she strolled past, intent on getting on with her day. That old rocking chair couldn’t have her fall asleep mid-sentence without her. “That old coot Cthulhu ain’t managed to collect just yet.”
Leaving a speechless Applejack behind, Granny Smith approached the first thing to make its daily attempt at her life. “Well good mornin’, stairs,” She muttered warily. She eyed each one down the flight, trying to discern which traitorous plank of wood would make a grab at her soul today. “Which one a y’all is feelin’ lucky, huh, punks?” And with that, she closed her eyes tight, and took a step, unflinching as the galactic die was cast.
It rolled a nat twenty…
Reaching the base of the stairs Granny Smith took a quick, measured look around the family room. She took pause as she noted the presence of an all too familiar cloaked figure sitting in an antique armchair. His signature scythe leaning against the wall behind him, a newspaper held open before the empty void where a face should be. Upon noticing the newcomer the hooded figure lowered the paper in means of gaining a better view.
“Splendid mornin’ to yah,” Granny said cheerfully, her voice warbling out the warm greeting. “Sorry Josh, not today,” She sing songed, noticing the chill in the air at the others indignation.
Letting out a sigh as he stood, the newspaper falling to ash in his hands as he did so. The cloaked apparition snapped his fingers, the scythe flying into his grasp. With a curt nod and a stamp from the weapon upon the wood floor, he was gone. He had been thwarted for another day, his stairs defeated.
“Lousy cotton picker, serves him right fer not havin the yams ta do it himself,” Granny muttered, turning towards her beloved kitchen, and promptly stepped down on an all too familiar scooter… “Sweet aunt Bonnie and great uncle Clyde!”
With seeming supernatural speed the little death machine sped forward under the unfamiliar weight, careening down the hall and into the kitchen, slamming into the counter and dumping the old mare across the flat surface. The impact dislodged hanging items and upset the contents of multiple cupboards, the well worn doors flopping open to allow their contents to plummet toward the dazed pony below.
The first wave of the incoming attack came in the form of a large frying pan, an old cast iron affair that sported more than enough bulk to perform ANY task. Within reason of course, like sword fighting a dog brained horse… Perhaps.
Again the dice were cast, a pair this time. They came up seven…
The pan landed with a resounding clatter, slamming onto the counter mere inches from Granny’s head, the heavy utensil spun a few times before coming to rest, perfectly intercepting a fine stream of pancake mix as the bag high above leaned out of its cupboard.
“Ahh, horse pucky,” Granny Smith muttered as she sat up. She paid the large vegetable knife that stabbed the table where her head had been a moment later no mind. “Darn foals an them death machines, somepony could’ve broke a leg. An ahm git’n too big a hitch in mah giddyup to be diggen holes out back all uh tha time.”
Not missing a beat Granny slid down from the table, a hoof bumping the dial on the stove and turning it on. Catching sight of the mess strewn atop the table she clicked her tongue in annoyance before reaching a hoof into the pan full of pancake mix, catching some on the tip and giving it an inspecting lick. “Poor Jackie, that lil filly never could cook nothin. Bless her heart fer tryin,” glancing around to make sure no one saw she discreetly reached over and added some ground pepper to the mix. “There now, maybe that’ll help keep them omelets down,” she said, turning away with a merry chuckle at a job well done. And promptly set hoof on the little wood death machine again…
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
So thirsty, so parched, so tied up…
Winona strained forward, pulling with all her collie might, the length of invincible old rope looped around her throat stretched taught, unyielding and unforgiving in its loathsome ropeness.
She whined, nearing the edge of despair as her paws scraped against the aging wood of the farmhouse porch. It had been all of five whole minutes since the little food bringers had rushed by, knocking her offerings bowl of wonderful aside like so much dust in the wind. They were laughing and whispering conspiratorially as they had dragged her fourth favorite sleep cozy out of the house, and then had the gall to simply lay it in the dirt! They had laid it in the dirt just out of her reach. Then then the whelps just took off and left it, taunting her with that horrid noise.
Now here she was, unjustly detained by this wretched excuse for a chew toy! And for what?! Having the decency to bring her ponies a dead bird as a sign of her gratitude for the things they should be doing for her regardless? Absurd! Clearly this would not stand, for she was Winona! Mightiest collie in all the land!
With a low growl Winona put the last of her considerable collie power into her efforts to reach the glistening salvation that was the water bowl of merciful hydration, either she would overcome these shackles, or be doomed to eternal thirst for the rest of the morning. Clearly, this was a special kind of hell.
Inches, mere inches were all that separated Winona from sweet savory victory. Tonsils scraped, boards creaked, rope stretched. The screen door burst open…
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
Hollering like a thing possessed Granny sailed out the door at improbable speed, hooves flailing madly as she scrambled to remain balanced atop her impromptu mode of transportation. “This don seem physically possible!” She hollered, eyes going round at the sight that greeted her on the porch. There, straining with all her might to reach an already empty water dish, was Winona.
The family dog having apparently taken notice of the sudden situation did the only sensible thing a fine canine could do, given her options. She pulled harder; putting her back into it and straining the rope taught, clearly the best choice.
“With my last breath, I curse Zoi-” with a yip and a screech the pair collided, Granny flipping up over the rope as the scooter decided it no longer wished to cater to a passenger. The old mare flew through the air, a shrill warbling scream following in her wake as she was catapulted across the porch, nothing before her but the dirt, and a nasty fall, and an old dog bed…
In a tangle of limbs and a dull thump Granny Smith came to a surprisingly gentle rest, piled up atop the musty mound of cotton and polyester. With a dusty heave and a croak she rolled over and gave the dazed dog a scowl. “Et too Winona? I expect this from the rest of umm, specially since Mac found out I wrote em all outta the will. But you?”
“What’s a will Granny?” Asked an all too innocent voice from someplace just above the sprawled elder. Granny Smith pulled her head back, squinting into the light as the sun peeked over the roof.
“Never you mind, youngin,” Granny replied, somewhat miffed at the tiny filly leaning over the edge of the roof. Oh sure, she climbs up there with her old loom and everyone loses their manure, Applebloom does it? Nopony says nuthin’, just chalk it up to her bein a filly what knows nuthin’. “What in the sam hill you doin up there anyhow?”
Slinking back from the edge to hide the beginnings of a blush Applebloom was about to engineer the perfect cover for the current crusade. Unfortunately Scootaloo beat her to the punch, the orange filly pushing past her friend to lean over and give Granny a big grin.
“She got the idea from a colt at school who just got his Cutie mark,” Scoots explained sagely, grabbing Applebloom’s leg and hauling her forward. “And now she wants one just like his! On account of them being sweet on each other,”
“Are not!” Applebloom shouted on the defensive, her blush turning redder than her family’s finest red delicious. “Why, I barely even know im’, he’s weird, and talks funny,”
“He doesn’t talk funny,” Scootaloo insisted, her grin stretching ever further across her face. “He’s just Cajun.”
“You would know!” Applebloom fired back, desperate to turn the conversation away from herself. “Now can we please just git back to hurlin ourselves off ah this here roof?! I don’ wanna hear anythin’ more about Dusty!”
A positively evil smirk replaced the ear to ear grin that had covered Scootaloos face. “Fine. Whatever you say, Sugarbloom,” she said dreamily, elbowing Applebloom’s ribs.
“Now hold on one convolutin’ minute!,” Granny Smith hollered up at the girls, her eye landing on her granddaughter with an intensity bordering on interested. “Did ya’ll say, Dusty? As in, Dusty Nugget? Son o that potato-diggin’ varmint Rusty Nugget! An a no good pear farmer ta boot! Ahh might a known he’d try something like this!” In a fit of anger the aging mare bucked a hind leg, the strike grazing an old metal bucket that fell to its side, bringing many face palms from all the people who bothered to read this…
Usually I’ll stick something funny up here to help flesh these out, but, it’s three in the morning so… Yeah… ~Dollars.
“Anyway, that’s why all the cabinets have foal proof locks on them now,” Sweetie Bell mumbled, pawing through the pebbles in search of her next rock. “It’s not fair, all I wanted to do was surprise Rarity with breakfast for her birthday,” she complained
“Right,” Scootaloo agreed, choosing a stone of her own and holding it up to the fading light for a better look, appraising both its aerodynamics and hydroplaning properties. “I mean, it was just a little fire, and Opal needed a haircut anyway. Win, win,” she said as she began squinting out across the lake. The little Pegasus cocked her hoof back and let the pebble fly, the rock bounding its way across the water, distorting the image of the sun as it set.
“I guess, just wish that burning dish towel hadn’t ended up on the neighbor’s roof,” Sweetie replied with a sigh, watching Scoot’s rock skip into the sun, disappearing from view in the light of the sinking orb. “Probably could have put it out ourselves if that extinguisher hadn’t turned out to be one of Pinkie’s patented purple parasprite propulsifiers.”
“Say that one three times fast,” Scootaloo muttered dryly, glancing over at the little unicorn. “It’ll take your mind off those horrible noises, besides, thatch is super easy to repair, it’s no big deal and by next week nopony will even remember,” she rubbed a hoof against her temple as she searched out another rock. “Seriously, what is up with the ponies in this town?”
“Wasn’t that the same neighbor whose house Big Macintosh pulled around last year?” Applebloom mused, rolling onto her side to get a better look at her friends, a rock of her own held at the ready for her turn.
“Oh yeah,” Sweetie said, winding up a throw and unleashing her stone out across the water. “Gee, come to think of it, they’re also the ones I set on fire a few months before that drawing with chalk behind their house.”
“How?” Applebloom asked halfheartedly after a considerable pause. She took a moment to peer into the deep blackness crawling across the water. She lined up and hurled her own rock, the miniscule stone rocketing away into the night. The trio ignoring the frantic duck calls that rose a moment later.
“Not sure,” Sweetie Bell replied, picking out another fine example of the least desirable skipping rock available from nature. “Although, my favorite color seems to be flame red.”
“Huh, go figure,” Applebloom said, watching as Scootaloo whispered conspiratorially to a recently discovered super perfect rock that was certain to win her the tournament, something that could not be allowed. “An here ah figured your favorite color was brown,” she finished with a snicker.
“Yeah, well, as much fun as it would be to sit around teasing Sweetie about Button, and keep kicking your flanks at rock skipping,” Scootaloo said with a haughty smirk, hurling her perfect rock across the placid lake surface. The piece of polished basalt skipped an even dozen times before it slipped from view. “I’m thinking it’s high time we got back to crusading! There’s this old mine shaft I found out on the edge of the Everfree, and it’s just begging to give little fillies their mining cutie marks! So what do you say girls? We gonna go do this thing?”
Sweetie Belle sighed as she climbed to her hooves, giving the lake a longing look before hanging her head and turning to follow her daring friend. “Well, I guess we might as well, the moons coming up so the skipping’s out and I haven’t scared the color out of my sister’s hair for awhile. You coming AB?”
“No I ain't,” Applebloom said crossly, planting her flank on the rocky shore, a scowl crossing her face. “Seems every week we come up with some darn fool idea ta git our cutie marks. But no matter what it is things always wind up the same. Bruises, tree sap, and me gitten grounded. Well, not this week gals. This week, I’ma stay right here on this beach and skip rocks, no crusading, and no ridiculous scenarios that’ll end up breaking Equestria or freein’ some horrid end ah the world spirit of mischief or some other whatsit,” with a mighty heave she flung her chosen stone, the tiny chunk of polished detritus flying straight and true, impacting the water’s surface with but a gentle kiss, not losing the slightest amount of momentum. It continued on, two skips, three, four. “I’m just goin’ ta sit here and enjoy mahself, and do nothing to cause trouble.”
The stone skipped again, five, its path carrying it to the far side of the lake, the point where the horizon met the skies above and a gigantic fresh full new moon was slowly beginning its ascent into the sky. “For once the week’s problem won’t be in any way related to us.”
Gliding silently through the still night air the rock began to lose altitude, coming down for another skip. Six, it hit perfectly once more, bouncing and continuing on its way. Seven, eight, nine, ten. The rock slammed into the moon as it rose from the horizon, striking the yellow glowing orb dead center, shattering it into thousands of pieces.
Releasing another sigh Applebloom rose to her hooves and made to follow her friends. “Really shoulda seen that one coming,” she muttered.
Twilight Sparkle yawned loudly as she sat up in her bed, reluctantly pushing the warm sheets aside before sliding down to the floor and heading into the bathroom in order to begin her morning routine. After a hot shower and a quick brushing she was ready to start the day, to face whatever challenges it might bring.
Trotting down the stairs and into the kitchen the little purple unicorn spotted her number one assistant already hard at work on his morning chores, “Good morning Spike, I see you’re in a hurry to get to Rarity’s today,” Twilight said with a giggle, smiling when the drake began to stutter with a crimson blush spreading over his cheeks, nearly dropping his mop.
Turning his back to his antagonist Spike dunked the mop in a bucket of soapy water, buying a few precious seconds in order to compose himself. “Well sure I am, Rarity asked me to help her out with a new design today,” he replied, valiantly attempting to conceal the quavering tone in his voice. “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t come through for another friend?”
Rolling her eyes as she turned toward the cupboards twilight couldn’t help smiling another knowing smile, perhaps he would come back with another lock of Rarity’s mane for that shrine he thought nopony knew about. “Right, well I certainly wouldn’t want to be responsible for holding you up. When you’re done there you can go ahead and go, I’ll just whip myself up something easy for breakfast.”
Spike immediately looked up from what he was doing, the grip on his mop handle tightening as he watched her pull a cabinet open and levitate down a bowl, “Are, are you sure Twi?” The little dragon asked nervously, taking an uncertain step towards her. “I could just throw something together for you, be real quick. What would you like? A salad, pancakes?”
Twilight set her acquired bowl on the table and headed to the fridge, shaking her head as she pulled out a bottle of milk. “Spike, it’s just a bowl of cereal,” she said with a huff of annoyance, selecting a box of bran off of a shelf. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Five minutes later…
“Sir! Obvious says this was the cause of the fire, and that the warranty most likely won’t cover the damages,” stated a rather gangly stallion one would likely not peg as a firefighter. The pony held out the still smoking remains of a two slot toaster for the Chief to inspect.
After a quick glance to confirm the deductions the Chief nodded in agreement, “So it would seem, tell the Captain I said thanks for the good work, same as always,” and with that the few remaining fire ponies packed up their gear and headed for the station, their brief cameo over.
Twilight Sparkle sat on the side of the road with her soggy bowl of cereal, watching numbly as the firefighters hopped into their fire wagon and drove away, only just barely aware as her friends showed up one by one and gathered around her.
“So… What exactly happened?” Rainbow Dash eventually ventured to ask, seeing as the others were too busy staring at something besides her.
Spike sighed in obvious exasperation as he produced a broom and dustpan from, somewhere, and headed toward the library. “Twilight tried to cook, spilled milk on the toaster…” He stated dryly, realizing his day with Rarity had been pushed aside. “Man I’m getting tired of these fics.”
“It was just cereal, just, cereal,” Twilight mumbled quietly to herself, never noticing a disgruntled Rainbow Dash passing five bits to Applejack.
With a tired squeak of its worn hinges the front door to the Apple family home swung open, revealing the freshly woken red stallion as he ducked through, glancing about as he crossed the small covered porch.
Big Mac loved the morning, everything about it was just so peaceful, so, calm. Inhaling to the point his massive lungs could hold no more he waited, savoring the invigorating tingle brought on by the cold crisp air, the surge of energy that cascaded outward from his core to every fiber of his being. Truly, this was what it was to be free.
His gaze slowly traveled about the yard before him, the tender spring grass glittering in the first fingers of Celestia's new sun, the arcs of light reaching for him, crawling across the dirt path leading to the old barn as if sent to greet him by the princess herself.
Mac allowed himself a smile before releasing the trapped breath to slowly escape through his nose, nostrils flaring as the now warmed air passed into the world. It was these private little moments he treasured, times when nothing else mattered and he could just stop and smell the roses. Even snag a few if no pony was watching.
Pulling out his signature stock of straw he placed it between his teeth, letting the tattered piece of plant hang loosely out the side of his mouth. This, coupled with the donning of the old pulling harness passed down from his father, and Big Mac was ready to face a new day.
Letting out a confident snort the big red stallion made his way toward the edge of the old porch, each board telling a story through the shallow groans and shrill squeaks, troddings of countless hooves, be they family, friends, all had first been welcomed by this humble assemblage of wood and iron nails.
Big Mac remembered these things, these and many others as he strode forward, calm and ready to start the day anew. Boldly he went, the day already coming to order in his deceptively meticulous mind, a well earned trait bestowed upon those that spent their days in the field under toil and sun. The life of a farmer; the life of a giver.
This would be a good day, Mac could feel it in his bones, fortune and prosperity were with him in these steps. And with them, he could not lose! A smirk worked across the pony’s muzzle, a feature few could claim to have ever witnessed cross the gentle giants countenance. These were his steps, the steps of a stallion, a stallion who could take pride in a job well done! And today, his job was to finally finish the new fence!
Without so much as a pause to his stride Mac stepped off the edge of the porch, eyes fixed steadily upon the barn ahead of him, the familiar goal the only thing occupying his motives, urging him forward, to improve, to endure, to provide prosperity for his family. With apparent exaggerated slowness his hoof descended, carving a swath through the still air to the ground below. If only hooves could talk…
Working his lips Big Mac twisted the wheat stalk between his teeth a few times, the only sound coming from the hen house as a rooster crooned. Macs eyes betraying little, though any that knew him well would surely be keeping some distance. Finally, with a heavy sigh, Mac looked to the ground. “That dog…”
Dear Apple of Jacks. I thank thee greatly for having brought this tragedy to our attention, our, referring to dear sister Luna as well. Or, rather it would, if her continence were as hearty as that of my own. As it stands she is currently unconscious upon the observatory floor, do not be alarmed the temporary black hole has been dealt with.
The poor filly never could hold her, confections, ever less so since her return. I fear that thousand year stint in the moon did her fortitude no favors.
Turning from the situation of Luna’s overzealous consumption of my latest, ‘special order,’ however, I would like to personally assure you that steps are being taken to ensure Equestria's safety.
The first of such steps involves the Retuerta Galope. Being the river serving as a natural border between our great nation and, umm… That place with the salsa? Paloxico? No, wait, that’s Calexico, my favorite band.
Funny story behind that, you know I actually met the band once? Back stage and everything, had a little helping of, conjunto with Convertino if you catch my meaning… We all went down to the river after that, had a fantastic barbeque. Never could get them to tell me what was in that, “Hamburger.” They just kept giggling. Could really go for some queso right now.
Buck me I’m hungry…
I can handle that!
Shut up Patches! You're confusing the quill!
Apple Butter these brownies are the best yet cake. Cake
As for the river, seeing as I’m clearly the only pony in a sensible state of mind at the moment; again, Luna is inebriated beyond consciousness. I have thus decided the river shall be infested with Cragodiles, as many as the school children can entrap tonight.
And concerning the postal service, do not fret, for I have just this hour signed an arrest warrant for one Derpy Hooves. News of her near homicidal behavior and under hoofed attempts at sabotaging my perfect mailing system has not gone unheeded!
You may rest easy, Jacquelyn Apple Slice delicious seed toffee chocolate pickle ice-cream fudge cake. Cake cake caaakkkeeee your Price of cakecess is on the job!
Now if you would excuse me, Discord has run off with the plate… Something about, me gustah?
Sincerely yours, Princess Mo Celestia.
P.S. I have no idea as to what poor Luna was speaking of, but she insists that you invent Doritos at once.
“Running on the tradition started by the first edition, this continuation shall feature all conversation to further all exasperation within the administration due to lack of adequate contemplation…”
“Seriously, I was pulling at strings for this one…”
Another Good Morning Equestria
“Hey there everypony, it’s six AM here in this great city of Manehatten. The sun is on schedule with full sunrise at six nineteen, a zenith of twelve fifty seven, and a beautiful orange cast sunset whenever Celestia feels like it. I’m not kidding that’s really what my official Canterlot bulletin says. The scheduled forecast for today shows full sun all morning with a quick shower at noon before tonight’s festival of lights.”
“And with that it’s our pleasure to welcome you all to this morning’s show, with your hosts, Morning Gossip.”
“Aaand Instant Report. Good morning and welcome back, we have a lot of good stories for you this morning, but first, let’s check the day’s headlines. Morning?”
“Thank you, Instant. Today’s front page comes to us all the way from the front desk of Canterlot castle’s lost and found department, the article simply reads, ‘Found, one Draconequus. Lost, all sanity.’ The officials have just this hour released a statement on the condition of their situation. Apparently even though it’s December there are flying swordfish, the Microscruff office paperclip has escaped the computers and is running amok, and apparently, we are invited for shawarma…”
“Well, as soon as this segment is done I’m getting my coat.”
“You don’t have a coat, Instant. You don’t wear one.”
“But, it’s December. Shouldn’t I keep up appearences?”
“That would be nice dear, better late than never I suppose…”
“Well, if that’s how you’re going to be about it, I think I’ll make Lens Cap my plus one instead.”
“Oh very mature Instant, if you aren’t doing anything useful with that tongue put it back in your mouth… you too Lens, the invite is only for us…”
“Uh, yes dear, ‘cough’ erm, where was I? Hmm, here we go, yes, in recent weeks the Canterlot tabloids have been abuzz with the revelation of Princess Luna’s apparent visits to the city’s local drug addicts anonymous group. In an official press conference yesterday, ‘which Luna failed to attend,’ the sunglasses clad Celestia had only this to say, Lens, the clip please…”
“S'all good my peeps, lulu just got her sh’BLEEP’t whacked by some bad dope yall, she jus needz tah chill out for a spell. Where’s my f’BLEEP’ queso?!”
“In any case, I think I speak for everyone when I wish her majesty good luck with her, endeavor, to get clean. I’ll certainly be first in line to sign her D.A.R.E. card. Wait, her what? Where did Luna go for these classes, third grade?”
“How fascinating, that is some excellent journalism, Instant. Our next story takes us beyond the farthest reaches of Equestria, to the remote sands of the Saddle Arabian deserts where, after more than three centuries, the wreck of the trade ship Aurelia has finally been discovered. The ship was found in a remote region some four hundred miles off her planned course and nearly one hundred fifty miles inland… Just further proof that stallions can never simply admit they are lost, and ask for directions…”
“Mom was right, you are mean…”
“Oh, stop pouting between your teeth and take us to commercial, Instant.”
“Yes dear, ‘sigh’ and when we come back, a consumer rated list of milk proof toasters…”
Pebble was a quiet rock, ask anyone that knew him and they’d tell you about his cool headed and calm nature. He never picked fights, nor started trouble amongst the other rocks. Perhaps that was the reason he had gotten along so well with his brother's more adventurous nature.
Boulder had always been the bolder of the two. The young rock was always seeking out new things, wanting to roll new places, and sit in unfamiliar spots. It was this adventurous ideal that had led the pair to tumble down the hillside and come to rest at the edge of a path meandering its way through the woods. Here they sat, watching and waiting as the days went by, countless hooves, paws, and feet passed in a hurry to travel hither and yon.
That had been a good life, just the two of them sharing each other’s company. But alas, it was short lived. As with their years spent farther up the hill Boulder soon grew restless, he began to speak of new things, muttered of grander adventures beyond the forest. He desired to travel the lands as the legged creatures did, to roam free and never settle.
Much to Pebble's dismay Boulder had gotten his wish the day a young mare had come travelling along the path, nose low and eyes scanning the road, searching out every grain of sand and shard of rock visible amongst the forest loam.
Pebble had not seen his brother since; the pony had carried Boulder away beyond the far hill, and left the younger rock to face the world alone. Though perhaps, perhaps he need not be alone? What if this was his destiny calling? A challenge to go out and face the world, to live his life to the fullest, to be free!
These thoughts and many others flowed through Pebble, so many possibilities lay before him, endless roads untraveled. And someday, he would see his brother again, and regale him with stories of his own.
It was at this very moment of inward contemplation that Pebble was suddenly jarred from his thoughts as a set of strong red fingers scooped him from the ground and carried the small rock high into the air…
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
“I don’t know why I let you talk me into these things,” Tillook muttered grumpily. The newt cast a bored glance up to watch his companion inspect his most recent find, the giant red Pegasus smelling the little rock in his palm with a smile.
“Because you secretly love me,” Patches replied sweetly. With a flick of his wrist the towering anthro tossed his latest snack into his mouth, humming a satisfied tune while he chewed. “Besides, you need to get out more and I needed a plus one,” he said casually as they walked, reaching over and scraping some crusty moss from a tree. “And I’m vermillion, douche…”
“Whatever, just so long as this doesn’t turn out like that dreadfully dull garden party you invited me to,” Tillook muttered, his face souring at the mere thought. “Plaid seat covers, I just, I can’t even…” “Come on Tilly,” Patches snickered through his mouthful of pinecone, crunching merrily for a moment before finally swallowing the delectable seed. Failing to keep his face straight at that one. “Would it kill you to be a little multicultural for a minute?”
Sucking air in through tightly clenched teeth Tillook suddenly found the dirt trail to be very interesting. “I, I died a little inside, yes. You happy?” He eventually replied, crossing his arms with a defeated growl. “And what’s with the furry outfit? I thought you only wore that for the Guide series.”
Patches glanced down at himself, having nearly forgotten his outward appearance in the haste to be punctual. He knew neither of them should miss this event, there would be cake after all! “Hey man, you ever tried squeezing into one of these things?” He said with a quick gesture, his other hand brushing back his luxurious mane dramatically. “Six hours baby, six hours of wardrobe then makeup. For every episode, almost glad production got slowed, starting to wonder if they’ll ever catch the Midnight Stage Arson…”
Again Tillook found the trail incredibly interesting. “Yeah, I wonder…” He replied, the sweat beading along his forehead betraying the nonchalance of his comment.
The two continued along in silence for a few minutes, neither finding much worth conversing over, at least not after escaping the Africanized hornets’ nest Patches attempted to steal honey from…
“Attempted? Bitch, I got plenty!”
Ahem, eventually the pair came to the crest of a small hill, upon which they could see down into the meeting place for. Whatever this was… The scene looked stolen right from the cover of a Charles Dickens novel. In fact I’m fairly certain that’s the manor from, Great Expectations, if I’m not much mistaken.
“Is that the narrator from the how to survive Equestria for dummies series?” Patches asked, holding a hand up to shield his eyes as he scanned the sky for the seemingly ethereal being. “Man, Dollars must be pretty desperate to flesh out his word count if that guy is around.”
Tillook glanced up from the penny he had been filling down to fit in a wall socket to scan the clouds as well. “I heard he got fired and that’s why they never made another one, that or the lousy dialogue. And, if we are having Dickens trivia, that is clearly from the one hundred fiftieth anniversary edition...”
The dialog was fine, certainly sufficient enough for the likes of you bottom shelf types at the very least, in fact, if I might… oh, they’re gone…
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
“Man, that guy was a real dill hole,” Patches muttered, picking his teeth and occasionally his nose with an expensive looking set of car keys. The pair made their way down the pristinely manicured lawns to a quaint little gate.
Tillook was first to act, simply wanting to get this social torture over with as quickly as possible. Standing before the gate he reached up and gave a pair of polite knocks, glancing up at the comparatively gigantic Pegasus with a knowing hint of mischief flashing behind his eyes, “Where’d you get the keys, Patches?”
“Eh, doesn’t matter,” Patches replied smugly, swallowing the polished metal, fob and all. Wait, did those say, Porsche? “Besides, we’re here. And don’t knock on the poor gate, that’s rude,” with all the grace of a true gentleman Patches folded at the waist and settled into a humble bow. “Apologies me lady, my brutish friend here sometimes forgets the finer points in manners. Lo, I have strived long to impart our ways upon him, though in truth it seems a fool’s errand.”
Tillook raised a finger with the intent to question his cohort, only to be immediately interrupted by the cackling laughter of something he could only place as, Things Betwixt…
“Oh, that be quite all right deary. Now why don’t ye both come inside, the others are all here and the tea is on,” the gate said reassuringly, swinging open to allow entry.
Letting his arm fall Tillook simply shrugged and followed Patches through, barely noticing as the gate slowly eased shut behind them. “You know, after all the times spent following you to these weird mystery get togethers, things like that just seem so much more... Normal.”
“Well they should,” Patches replied with an ever growing smile as they turned the corner and entered the gardens proper. “It’s Dickens after all.”
Ignoring the tiny scream echoing across his mind as yet another piece of it died trying to understand the existential conundrum that is Patches, Tillook decided that particular debate simply wasn’t worth the word count. Putting the likely tedious discussion away for later he instead hurried to catch up, and hoped the cake would at least be worth his time. As the unlikely pair ventured further into the lush growth of the gardens a faint melody began to make itself known, though maddeningly familiar, Tillook couldn’t quite place where he had heard the tune before…
“The devil is that noise?” Tillook muttered, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling growing in the pit of his stomach. Images of plaid topped lawn chairs flashed in his mind. Why, just why people…?
“Why are ya asking me?” Patches asked, ears perked as they strode around a final bend in the path, and came face to face with something definitely not Dickens…
The path before them opened up into a secluded little courtyard, flowerbeds and a neatly trimmed lawn bordered an intricately laid cobblestone patio. Its shaded surface bore several little decorative fountains, each adorned with figureheads depicting various generic references. What? Oh, that’s so lame…
Placed directly down the center of all this was a great hand carved table, its glossy surface large enough to accommodate the twenty or so other creatures already seated there. And apparently, played host to the musical teapot symphony that had been grating Tillook’s last surviving nerve for the last minute or so.
Eyeing the table, and more to the point, those seated around it, Tillook crossed his bony arms and glared up at Patches with a look typically reserved for something one might scrape from the bottom of one’s boot.
Noticing his, ‘friend’s?’ poisonous look, Patches took a moment from scanning the table for the promised cake in order to salt the wound. “What’s wrong Tilly? I promised it wouldn’t be like last time, and it’s not,” he said with a smile, head bobbing along to the beat, absentmindedly humming something about, un-birthdays.
Taking another tepid glance around at the gathering before them, Tillook couldn’t help loosing a very un-newt like growl between his teeth. “I thought you said this was Dickens,” he said with a deepening scowl as someone he only vaguely recognized waved from the table. Like all the attendees the creamy peach coated mare wore some kind of odd Victorian early Disney animation era clothing. All of them were, in fact.
Eyes narrowing as they bothered to take in a greater amount of detail Tillook began to feel a queasy sense of dread. This defiantly was not Dickens…
Glancing once more towards the mare that had waved to him Tillook tried again to place her strange outfit, the memory lost amongst countless millennia of existence and bizarre occurrence. He studied the flow of the red and black dress she wore, accompanied by the tiny yellow crown, and absurdly oversized war hammer with a red paper heart crudely taped to the side.
Eye beginning to twitch, Tillook’s sight flashed to the head of the table. Gaze locking on the darkly colored Bat pony seated there he cringed as the ludicrousness began to settle in his mind. He would have recognized that ridiculous green top hat anywhere. Regardless of whatever forsaken dimension he happened across it.
“All of my nope,” Tillook stated plainly, turning abruptly with the intention of marching straight back the way he’d come. Only to have a giant vermillion hand scoop him into the air, carrying the squirming newt towards his psychiatrist’s next paycheck.
“Come on Tilly,” Patches said cheerfully whilst setting Tillook down atop a fancy podium that awaited them along the pathway. “You should at least sign the guest list before fleeing, show some manners, I vouched for you ya know.” “Get salmonella and croak,” Tillook groaned, his face only souring as Patches made eye contact, and proceeded to lick his own hand. Disgusted enough for this paragraph Tillook instead glanced across the book he stood on, scanning the names of the guests whom he would inevitably have to endure. “They’re all original characters; most of them just bit players. Good grief look at these obviously lazy names, Broad Sword, Alex, Rush,” he grew an eyebrow just so he could raise it. “Thing one and Thing two?”
“A Seuss reference?” Patches said with a surprised smile, accepting the quill as Tillook finished his signature, not bothering to mention the odd little pentagram topper where a dot should be above the ‘i.’ “Nobody does that anymore,” catching the displeased look the newt seemed to have permanently plastered to his face the Pegasus gave him a friendly nudge. “Come on buddy, cheer up, we don’t have to stay long. Just mingle for a bit, get to know some of the new cast, have some cake!”
Tillook’s eyes followed Patches’ fingers as they traced over the paper, making no comment as they read, ‘Professional Baller.’ Instead, he took one final look at the nearby gathering. He really wanted some of that cake… “Alright, fine. But if I hear anybody yell, ‘Change places!’ I’m out of here!”
"Deal,” Patches agreed gleefully, shaking Tillooks’ hand with a childlike smile before placing the newt on his shoulder and strolling towards the table. Unlike his hesitant friend, Patches loved these little social gatherings and was looking forward to mingling. Closer to some than others…
The unusual duo had not gone far when a voice called out from near the side of the path, drawing their attention. “Patches! There you are, it’s about time. You’re late!” Called a gryphon as she waved them over, too far away to hear the angry sputtering from a certain newt.
“Shindrah!” Patches said in surprise, his grin widening as he moved to embrace the young warrior. “I didn’t know you were back in town, what up?”
“Just flew in for the weekend, actually,” Shindrah rasped out, attempting to wriggle her way out of the iron grip that held her completely off the ground. “Wardrobe called, said they had to make some changes to my battle armor, something about adding stronger anchor points for the stunt harness.”
Finally taking notice of her labored breathing Patches set the gasping Gryphon back on her paws. His ever present smile turned sheepish as she wheezed, the mighty warrior defeated by a hug. “So, any idea when they’re going to be ready to start filming again?” Patches asked in a placating manner.
“Well, I suppose it’s not a total loss,” Tillook muttered loudly in a subject changing manner as he glanced around from his perch, the rudeness of the interruption apparently lost upon him. “According to the guest list the dark king is here. At least I know I can count on him for some decent conversation.”
Shindra and Patches shared a brief glance before the pair burst into laughter, leaving the already annoyed newt with a smoldering expression to cement itself over his face. “What…?” Tillook eventually bothered to grumble, his arms crossed with spindly fingers drumming in contempt.
“Sorry, Tilly.” Patches choked out through his giggles, holding his sides as another deep belly laugh escaped him. “I hate to disappoint you little buddy, but this is an all O.C. party…” He said, grin widening as he spotted the dawning look of realization.
“You don’t mean…” Tillook said quietly, that familiar feeling of dread slowly crawling up his spine as the color drained from his face. “Oh no….”
With a dejected groan Tillook’s gaze slowly drifted passed Shindra, his weary eyes landing upon the hastily scrawled hop scotch pattern drawn on another path leading around the far part of the gardens. “Oh, sweet Punisher, not him again…” Tillook groaned as he spied the being that floated there.
Taking a moment to memorize the difficult pattern, the wispy cloud of supposed evil then quickly floated across, swirling in victory as it reached the far end in a flawless display of peripatetic motion. Narrated in such a way as to befit such an articulate and multifarious monarch.
“That does it, Patches,” Tillook growled, hopping down from the pony’s shoulder. “I had thought that there would have been at least one individual in this rabble worth my time, but this, this tears it! I’m getting some cake and going home. If I hurry maybe I can catch the last half of Mash,” he said, stalking off towards the food laden table.
“Oh shut it!” Tillook called back over his shoulder as he disappeared into the feet of the crowd. “You’re only here because you were Jake’s favorite in the first one!”
“And now you’re just riding on the hype train!”
“Sorry about him Sombry,” Patches muttered apologetically, looking where the little newt had disappeared into the party. “He’s just upset with the powers that be, what with the lack of progress for so long. Seriously, it’s been like, a couple years…”
“Crystals! Crystals! Crystals…”
“Yeah, you said it man,” Patches agreed with a slow nod before following after his friend.
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
Tillook’s plan immediately after hopping up on the comparatively enormous table had been to stuff his immortal guts with as many fancy party delicacies as they could handle, then grab a slice of that fabled cake twice his size and make a break for the door, gate, whatever…
His plan nearly fell flat on its face however, when turning far too quickly in regards to the number of fried cheese straws currently jammed into his mouth, Tillook found himself doing a double take at a scene even more bizarre than the still dancing teapots. Across the wooden surface from where he stood sat three of the most, ‘let’s be generous here, most normal looking creatures seated around this literary fiasco…’
Rather, two of them sat, looking rather comfortable atop their rustic bar stools. The pair was idly sipping at mugs of ‘cider’ as marked by hastily applied juice box labels, whilst occasionally offering a comforting pat to the third member of their little group.
The third, a somewhat panic stricken stallion, was most uncomfortably bound to his large wicker armchair. Eyes darting about beneath the brim of his pineapple fruit hat… ‘I don’t, why are we even referencing this? It’s an inside joke that no one else will get. Seriously, they’re not important!’
“They will be as soon as Times Gone By starts posting,” Patches stated rather matter-of-factly, pulling up a stool for himself next to the bound and sweating Rush. Offering the shivering unknown O.C. a comforting smile the giant ‘suddenly feral Pegasus,’ reached forward and grabbed an apple out of the decorative fruit basket with a deft swipe of his hoof. “Ooh, Wax!” He said happily.
Sparing a moment to ponder his life choices, Tillook shoved the last of his delectable findings down his gullet. “What’s the deal, Patches?” He grumbled, glancing back along the length of the table. “I’m not finding that cake anywhere.” Shoving the final morsel of waxy fruit into his own maw, Patches swallowed deeply with a satisfied sigh before giving the rest of the provided fare a once over. After finding no trace of the promised cake he merely offered an uncertain shrug. “The cake is a lie,” came a voice from near the head of the table, the serious tone bringing silence to the dancing teapots, as well as all the other hushed conversations that had been carrying on in the background. ‘Concealing several incredible Easter Eggs that you all probably missed…’
“Oh Grogar dammit,” Tillook muttered, turning around to stare dejectedly at their host as he floated down a set of steps. “Discord, what are you doing here? I had it that this was an Original Characters only deal…”
“Is it not?” Discord replied sinisterly, a dangerous smile tugging at his lips, “Shh, I’m in character, I’m here as Malevolence,” he added in a whisper, his lion paw cupping around his mouth acting like a bullhorn. ‘Which basically had the effect of making him sound, uh, normal...’
“BLEEP… It Patches, you promised me cake!” Tillook growled, cutting off some rant that Discord had prepared in order to explain what he had meant. ‘For all those people here that haven’t read anything else from this studio…’ “Do not blame your vermillion friend, Tillook.” Discord/Malevolence said sternly, pointing a finger at the mentioned Pony, raising an eyebrow as the Pegasus began to munch down the wicker basket the wax fruit had been in. “He was but a mere pawn in all this, just as we all have been. I fed him the misinformation in the knowledge it would be the only way to get you here. The only way we could all get together for a long overdue discussion.”
“About what?” Tillook asked dismissively, eyes following the chimera as he took his seat. “About what Cadence is going to do with those ashes? Because that’s so much fun to think about,” he said with a shudder running down his spine.
“About this, actually,” Discord/Malevolence/De lancie said flatly, tossing a large blue notebook onto the table before the assembly. Hushed murmurs and more than a few girlish gasps arose from the crowd as everyone leaned in to see the words, ‘screenplay: T.G.B.’ printed neatly on the cover.
Noting the change of atmosphere settling over the gathering, Discord/Tired of this gag already, cleared his throat, “That’s right my friends, engraved and laminated. This, is the real deal.”
“Holy Heffner,” Patches breathed, wings flexing in excitement as he slowly reached for the pages that held all their futures, hoof scraping the back cover along the table. He had to know! “After all this time, I can’t believe it’s finally here!” He said with glee, flipping open the cover and letting his eyes roam across the first page, “What? Not in the first scene!? I’ve been robbed!!”
“So, let me get this straight,” Tillook piped up, the faintest traces of enthusiasm hiding on the edge of his tone. “Do you mean this whole thing was just a ruse, in order to gather us all for a table read?!”
After receiving Discord’s smiling nod of acknowledgment Tillook blinked to Patches’ side, running his tiny fingers along the binding before glancing back at the master of Chaos, something nagging at his mind. “So, then, what do we do about them?” He asked, pointing at the sky.
“Huh, I hadn’t really thought of that,” Discord muttered, pulling at his goatee as he observed the confused expressions above him. “Honestly, I figured they would have all left by now and we wouldn’t have to worry about spoilers. Of which there will be many!” He yelled at the clouds.
“Quick,” somebody yelled, glancing around frantically. “Come up with something funny to close out on! Nobody’s going to want to stick around for this!”
“Spike!” Twilight called as she rifled through yet another suitcase, her efforts failing to locate the one item that had somehow slipped past her third check of the traveling checklist. “Spike?!”
“What is it, Twi?” Spike hollered back from somewhere up stairs, the sounds of thumping luggage signaling the little drake’s return.
“Where did my notes go for that study on theoretical manna propagation within quantum locked pocket dimensions?” Twilight asked quickly, her voice nearly frantic as she continued to paw through her bags contents. “I can’t show up to a lecture at the Manehattan University for Magical Sciences without that!”
Spike found himself vaguely wondering what Rarity would be up to while he and Twilight would be gone for the weekend, his distaste for the trip already reaching toxic levels of, whatever. “It’s right where you left it,” he said plainly, reaching out and grabbing it from under Twilight’s wing as he passed by, adding the final suitcase to the pile.
“Oh, right,” Twilight muttered sheepishly, grabbing the precious roll of parchment and putting it with the others. “Well, that should be everything then,” she added, once again rechecking her list. “Ready to go?”
“I think so,” Spike replied as he lifted the comically large pile onto his back. “Got the tickets?”
“No, something came up yesterday before I could go get them, so I’ll just have to pick them up when we get to the station,” Twilight stated simply with a shrug as she headed for the door. “Don’t worry, we have plenty of time before the train arrives.”
“Uh, I don’t know about that, Twi,” Spike replied warily as he followed his purple friend out into the chill winter air, “I mean, the trains get really busy this time of year. You, do know what month it is right?”
Twilight shook her head with a sigh as she closed the door behind them, “Oh Spike, don’t worry so much, we are leaving with plenty of time to spare, everything is packed, and the library is in good, er, talons,” she said, turning to head down the street with a purpose. “I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?”
Spike stopped dead in his tracks, staring at the mare with an exasperated look. “Says the pony who nearly burned down her own home pouring milk on a bowl of cereal,” he stated flatly, remembering back to the disaster a year ago. Had it really already been that long?
Groaning in defeat, and simply wishing to appease the little dragon, who was most certainly making far too large a deal out of this, Twilight came back to face her loyal assistant. “Alright Spike, if it will make you feel better, we can save a few more minutes and fly, hop on,” she said, spreading her wings and levitating Spike up to sit just behind her withers.
“It won’t matter,” Spike muttered quietly to himself, the sound lost on the wind as Twilight took to the air, the pair making good time despite the futility of it all.
The flight took barely a minute, the chill convincing Twilight to move quickly and reach the train station as swiftly as her wings were capable. The graceful princess of friendship only nearly crashed twice, in fact.
“There, you see Spike, nothing to worry about,” Twilight stated, sounding only somewhat startled as she skidded on the icy path running along the front of the station. Carefully, she helped Spike down from her back and the pair headed for the entrance to the platform.
“We have loads of time thanks to that little shortcut, now all we have to do is get the tickets and we can-“ Twilight Sparkle cut herself off abruptly as she turned the corner onto the platform, the vast space completely packed with a hustle and bustle she had never known Ponyville to have before, and the smell, it nearly made her hurl.
Worst of all however, was the little sign hanging in the ticket booth window, ‘sold out,’ was plastered in red lettering to alert any would-be travelers just what kind of creek they were up with no paddle.
“That’s what I was trying to tell you Twi,” Spike said begrudgingly, watching the flailing, flopping, gasping mass of living I told you so that waited for the train. “Fish can’t fly in December, so they all take the train…”
Twilight sank to her haunches, the realization of having once again challenged Murphy sinking in, “Spike?” She mumbled in disgust, the thought of a soggy bowl of cereal coming to mind. “Anything else important about today I was supposed to remember?”
“What do you suppose it could be, Flitter?” Cloud Chaser asked the other mare as they came to a stop, the pair halting to inspect the strange object blocking their path.
“I don’t know, Chase,” Flitter replied, rubbing a hoof under her chin as she gave the mysterious thing a closer look. She was certain it had not been there yesterday.
“Stop,” Cloud Chaser said aloud as she read the obvious sign sitting atop the metal pole, glancing around at other ponies as they passed by. “Stop what? We weren’t doing anything, just walking by, and why is this thing planted right in the middle of the road?”
“I don’t know,” Flitter grumbled, circling the pole twice before coming back to stand in front of it. She leaned back and stared at the white letters emblazoned across the bright red background. “It looks kinda important; I think we should do what it says.”
Cloud Chaser looked around again, a sigh escaping her as she shook her head. “But what it says doesn’t make sense!” She grumbled, ears splaying off to the side in frustration.
“Oh, what fun is there in making sense?” Asked a cheerful voice from behind the pair, the familiar tone causing the perplexed mares to turn around.
“Hello, Lyra,” Flitter said jovially, waving to the Unicorn as she trotted up to see what was holding their interest.
“Good morning, Lyra,” Cloud Chaser added, finding it little surprise to see Bon Bon following close behind her. The other mare already having spotted the source of commotion and was giving it a wary stare.
“And just what do we have here?” The candy maker asked aloud, more to herself than to anypony else as she moved up to give the sign her own inspection.
“No idea,” Flitter admitted, sitting on her haunches and shrugging her wings. “But, whoever put it here should have known better than to stick it right in the middle of the road like this,” she said with a growl.
“I’ll say, I nearly walked into it muzzle first,” Cloud Chaser added hotly, giving the offending piece of metal a pointed glare.
“Do you think somepony should do something about it?” Asked Carrot Top, easing her wagon to a stop as she came up behind the slowly growing group. “Like, tell the mayor or pull it up, or, I don’t know, something.”
“Yeah, push the lame thing over or something,” Vinyl yelled from further back, leaning out from behind the parked wagon for a better view, “seriously, yer blocking the road!?”
“Vinyl,” Octavia tisked, peeking out from around the other side of the wagon, “do not be rude, I’m sure if you just give them a moment they will move the sign and we will be on our way.”
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” called a light brown stallion as he maneuvered through the crowd, coming to a stop near the sign, a small cylindrical device chirping away madly in his outstretched hoof, “Just as I thought,” he muttered as a light on the end of the tool began to blink erratically. “There’s wibbly stuff all about.”
“What do you mean by that, Doctor?” Lyra asked curiously, leaning in to study the peculiar device still whirring away in the stallion’s grasp.
“Doctor, who?” Bon Bon asked quizzically from beside her, friend. She leaned in closer as well, not realizing how she had just helped perpetuate one of the longest running cliché jokes out there. Nonetheless, none of the other ponies seemed to notice.
Whatever the good doctors response however, it was drowned out by the arrival of even more of the pastel populous of Ponyville. Each individual resident inevitably and predictably following their fellows to see what the growing ruckus was about.
Soon their numbers grew beyond the capacity of the humble little street, spilling out the far end and forming a disorganized line clear into the outskirts of the modest hamlet, in mere minutes the stomping grumbling equines had come to a standstill as far back as the train station. Eventually the growing line reached the tracks, ponies standing to either side and even in between the rails, their cries of displeasure wafting up towards the heavens…
/ / / / / / / / / / / /
High above the cacophony of shouting and stomping hooves, two regal beings sat on a cloud, settling a friendly wager. Well, one regal, and one very bored spirit of disharmony that the regal one would just as gladly have stoned than sit there a minute longer. And she didn’t mean with the Elements of Harmony either…
“See,” Discord said sagely, elbowing a disgruntled Celestia in the ribs as the commotion below continued to spread. “I told you I could get this town to stop in their tracks, pay up sunshine.”
Celestia ground her teeth, her face twitching comically as she considered just how much power it would take to send the harbinger of chaos to the sun, “Dissscoord,” she growled, her hooves coming up to rub at her temples. “You can’t, that’s not, how that works!”
Rated T for teen due to gratuitous violence against underappreciated and misunderstood robotic life forms that just want a home to go home to.
Equestria, at some random point between episodes…
Big Macintosh was bored. He was bored of plowing the same fields, bucking the same trees, and selling the same apples down in the same town market. It was a good life and he wouldn’t have traded it for the world. But maybe, just maybe, it would be nice to go out into that world and see what there was to see.
Having just reached the end of his latest furrow Big Mac reached back and unhitched himself from his trusty old plow and took in the satisfying sight of another perfectly straight row, the smell of freshly turned soil dancing across his muzzle. Gripping the handle in his powerful jaws he swung the heavy piece of iron around into the perfect position to begin the next track.
Mac was just lining up to hitch himself back into the plow when he stopped, ears twitching, swiveling in their sockets in search of a sound just at the edge of their ability to detect. The stallion cocked his head, listening intently as what sounded like a rumble of thunder rolled over Sweet Apple Acres ‘TM’ and echoed off the hills behind the barn.
Knowing there was nothing apart from sun scheduled for the day Big Mac was understandably surprised by what his eyes eventually spotted high in the sky; a plume of fire that trailed smoke as it tore across the horizon, just missing the far hills before sailing over Ponyville, Making a beeline for Mac's freshly plowed field… Because of course it was….
Throwing himself to the side Big Mac took refuge behind the only piece of cover available amongst the recently turned soil, sprawling on his belly a moment before the inferno passed by overhead, low enough to singe the hairs along the end of the farmers’ tail.
Peering out from his place of refuge behind the trusty old plow, Mac could only stare in awe as the fiery object augured into the ground, blasting apart the far end of the field in a shower of dirt and gouts of flame as it ground through the soil. A bone rattling tremor shook the stallion to his core as the countless tons of material left a deep scar upon his farm, the mass of metal finally ceasing its movement along the far fence, just before the first rows of last year’s new saplings.
Composing himself Big Mac eventually dared venture a peek beyond the thick slab of heavy iron, stepping from the bastion of safety as curiosity gained ground over self preservation and urged his hooves forward. The steps were slow at first, labored by the weight of uncertainty, but before Mac knew it the big red stallion found himself a mere stones throw from whatever it was that had just ruined his days labor. The smoldering lump of rocky looking material seemed normal enough to Mac, at least, until it began to speak…
“Ahhh! Yet another butchered landing! I’ll never understand why anyone travels this way, we all have self contained propulsion systems that can operate just fine in space, why don’t we just use those?!” At these words the smoldering ball of wreckage burst apart, revealing the owner of the strangely metallic voice.
Mac could only stare in disbelief as the creature rose to its full towering height, metal limbs flashing in the light of the sun, clicking and whirring as they spun and locked into place. He couldn’t believe his eyes; it was a machine! Tall as the barn and nearly as wide at the shoulders the metallic titan looked built for a fight, and if his tone was any indication, ready to start one.
“Now then, to find that contemptible little pony that damaged me so,” the transformed automaton said aloud, seemingly to no one in particular as he apparently had yet to take notice of Big Mac. A fact the farmer was quite happy about as he had elected to stay quiet behind his trusty plow.
Turning his gaze towards the nearby town of Ponyville the machine tilted its head back and roared out in an unbelievably loud voice. “Hear me Rainbow Dash! I, the great and powerful Star Scream have come for my revenge! Prepare yourself!”
With those words of warning surely sending terror into the hearts of all before him, Star Scream started off towards the modest hamlet, picturing all the horrific things he would do to that diminutive upstart once he got his hands on her. Little did his processors realize, however, there would be someone else to deal with first. Of course, they realized it fairly quickly when the rather hefty dirt clod impacted the side of his left ocular cluster…
Automatically cycling the cleaning plates over his visual sensors Star Scream came to a stop, looking around in a bewildered huff. “Who dares challenge me!?” He said with a snarl, wiping a smear of soil from his magnificent face.
Big Mac could hardly believe himself, what had possessed him to do something so foolish? The machine had completely passed him by, he was scot free! Maybe it wasn’t too late? Maybe he could just run, the barn was not far off, if he could just…. Nope, the giant monster was looking right at him, death in its eyes. The frog of his hoof tightened around the edge of the plows blade, there was no going back now…
“You there!” Called the towering brute, taking a step closer as it’s features darkened in rage. “You shall suffer greatly and die by my hand, but first, you will tell me where I can find the pony known as Rainbow Dash!”
Mac’s brow furrowed, his other hoof grasped the reins meant for attaching the heavy piece of iron to his harness. There was no choice, Mac knew Dash could handle herself in a fight but, this guy looked like he meant business.
The farmer shook his head, a defiant mask settling over his face as the mighty machine took another step in his direction. “Nope,” he replied firmly, setting his shoulders, his stance widening slightly. “If’n yer lookin ta fight with Dash again, yer gonna haft’a git past me first, ya silver snake.”
Star Scream was dumbfounded, had this hillbilly halfwit honestly just challenged him to do battle? A battle that would most certainly lead to the pony’s untimely death. Not to say that Star Scream wouldn’t enjoy a brief warm up before utterly annihilating that upstart rainbow colored wretch, to think that he had somehow lost to her was unthinkable! Clearly there had been some biased gods watching their battle that day!
“Very well, Pony, I accept your challenge!” Star Scream stated, boldly taking another step closer to emphasize his point. A wide array of dastardly pain inflicting devices deployed in an impressive display of damaging deterrence, a collection several years in the rebuilding, and making him far deadlier now than last he battled a pony. “Prepare yourself, worm! For I, Star Scream, bring your death battle!”
Without further warning a missile the size of an apple cart launched from the titans back, making a beeline straight and true for the seemingly helpless pony not too far away. In a matter of seconds it would be over, Star Scream found himself wishing that the farmer had more fight in him than that, but alas, he was doomed to boredom for the moment. Or, so he thought…
With a powerful roll of his shoulders Mac hefted the plow and hurled it at the incoming missile, gripping the reins in a hoof he swung the ground rending implement in a wide arc. Quick as a whip the plow's blade cleaved clean through the deadly missile, turning the weapon into little more than flaming scrap before it swung back towards Mac.
Star Scream could hardly believe his scanners as he watched the remains of one of his finest missiles crash harmlessly into the churned soil, smoke and flickering flames trailing in its wake. It was a fluke, it had to be! There was no way one of these namby pamby ponies could defeat him as he was now!
With an angry growl the massive Decepticon leaned forward and launched half a dozen more of the rocket propelled explosives at his foe, overkill or not he wanted to send a message. There was no way the pathetic quadruped could repel firepower of that magnitude! This time, he had won for sure!
As the plow continued on its way, swinging back around in a wide circle, Big Mac waited a heart beat after it passed him by before leaping after it, allowing the hurtling mass of metal to yank him away through the air. No sooner was Mac out of harms way the first pair of missiles slammed into the ground where he had been, detonating in twin clouds of flame and billowing smoke.
Twisting his body mid air Mac lashed out with a hind leg, striking the side of the third missile as it screamed towards him which sent it spiraling into the fourth. As the two damaged weapons fell to the ground, their thrusters sputtering pitifully, Mac’s plow stabbed into the soil once more.
Anchored by the farming implement jammed firmly into the soil Mac was unceremoniously removed from his brief flight, as well as from the flight path of the fifth missile, which overshot its target and immediately arced into the sky. As the momentarily confused missile began to lazily circle back around far over head Big Mac was already moving back the way he had come, now clutching the reins in his teeth the burly farmer charged the advancing robot for all he was worth.
Star Scream could only stare in stunned silence as the red equine managed to duck under the final missile and continue on, his vice like grip wrenching the plow from the dirt as the line went taut behind him.
The stupefied Decepticon’s silence quickly turned into a shriek of surprise however as he suddenly found the blade of the plow hurtling towards his face! That filthy mud pony was playing this dirty! On instinct the processors in charge of his limbs attempted to maneuver his massive frame into a graceful dodge, but alas, he kept slipping on this stupidly churned soil!
Unable to complete process because of missing drivers Star Scream braced for the inevitable impact with the flying hunk of impure iron, brass fittings, and some vegetarian friendly alternative to leather belting… Wait…
Really? That was all that made up the approaching impromptu projectile? It was just iron, dug out of the dirt and crudely fashioned into an isosceles triangle, so why was he even remotely worried about it? That was stupid! Wasting computations on something that couldn’t possibly damage him! Ha! What a stupid strate-…
The deceptively heavy plow slammed into the now guffawing Star Scream, slightly turning his head with the force of the blow but otherwise not leaving so much as a scratch on the polished alloy. Megatron’s second couldn’t resist a devilish grin as he watched the now obviously fleeing pony pass by between his legs, pouring on the speed as if death itself were homing in on his flanks… “Hmmm, what’s that infernal whooshing noise…?”
That is when the now locked on missile streaked out of the sky in hot pursuit of the pony that had managed to temporarily elude its sensors and, being unable to turn quickly enough to avoid the new object in its path, slammed home exactly where you were probably expecting it to... His face… It hit the big metal idiot in his face because he turned to look at the obvious cause of the whooshing noise….
Star Scream did exactly that as the resulting explosion knocked him off his feet and hurled him head over heals across the dirt, the chemical fires scorching his metallic skin and burned his crevices. He tumbled surprisingly far for such a large bot, end over end he went before a pile of something soft and gooey caused his rather, undignified, hault.
It was a giant pile of manure… from the pig pen… Macs next chore would have been to spread it out over the freshly plowed field, but… Giant robot fight and all… You understand…
We’ll make Apple Bloom do it tomorrow…
Is her name one word or two…?
Jake, just ignore this I’m rambling here. Don’t worry we’ ll figure it out in post.
Where was I? Ahh yes, pig shit scene…
Battered and smoldering, Star Scream pushed himself up to his knees. “That shorts the last circuit! I am going to murder every last one of you meat bags!” He roared, spitting out a few lumps of, uh, dirt… yeah… “You think you’re so smart!? So what if you actually managed to dodge one of my missiles! I have a hundred more! I shall rain fire upon your lands! I shall strike down upon thee with-“
“Two,” Mac stated calmly, standing a short distance away, his trusty plow at his side, neither looking any worse for wear.
“What…?” Star Scream stammered out, a touch of concern entering his voice as he ran a quick inventory check. Specifically on his missiles, that were supposed to fire five at a time… “Oh crumb…”
Appearing in a rainbow blur above Big Mac, Rainbow Dash smiled down with a victorious grin, “Hey bucket head, you drop these?” She called down with a voice brimming with mischievous mirth, clutched under each foreleg was one of the damaged rockets from earlier, no longer flight worthy but still very much active.
Star Scream tried to get up, tried to do what he did best and run away, but all he got in response was another error message. Something about drivers not found and needing to build more pylons, if that joke is still relevant.
The Decepticon's face fell as Rainbow Dash tossed the still sputtering missiles at him, their damaged payloads ready to detonate at the slightest jostling. “Not Again…” He wined pitifully.
A heartbeat later the second Missile to have missed Big Mac showed up with perfectly timed dramatic flare, detonating and taking the other two weapons with it. The combined explosions tore the murderous machine apart, ripping through armor and setting off numerous other ordinances he carried, whether they be bombs, bullets, or dime store firecrackers it all went up.
Finally, after the last bang had banged, and the last boom had- BOOM! –uh, after the last boom had boomed… Okay, uh, there was very little left of poor Star Scream, his limbs had been reduced to mangled scrap, and his body looked like one of those cars you go to a ‘you pull it’ junkyard to scavenge parts off of. All told, he was a pretty sorry sight. Poor poor Star Scream.
“I Think he moved!” Rainbow shouted, darting over and bucking the everliving- BLEEP! –out of what was left of Star Scream’s face. This continued for at least another twenty minutes, Dashie just kicking and punching him, and occasionally that kick punching thing she does mid air, man she’s cool to watch…
Anyway, eventually a bunch of the townsfolk showed up and, after hearing about what went down, they too took to punching and bucking and just beating in general. Of course, that wasn’t good enough for the kind hearted ponies of Ponyville, no sir.
A quick- three hours –town meeting later saw the crowd reorganized- by Twilight, go figure –into a right proper mob, complete with torches, pitchforks, regular forks, whisks, a boating oar… Is that my Klingon bat’leth replica…?
Essentially speaking, we cannot accurately describe the legendary beating that followed and still keep our teen rating, but rest assured it was quite epic. All the while, the helpless Star Scream could do nothing but lie there and take his punishment for being so bad. Because he was in fact still very much alive…
Unfortunately for Star Scream, both his locomotion unit and vocal projection unit had been destroyed in the blast, rendering him an immobile mute. So, there was nothing for him to do but wait and hope that Megatron would arrive soon to rescue his sorry behind, again…
That was also about the time the Princesses arrived, and boy oh boy were they peeved…
That also happens to be about the time I received my beating for saying a naughty word…
And they all lived happily ever after…
Except for Star Scream…
Because he’s a dingus…
And now for some fun facts regarding todays episode.
Fun fact number one: Megatron actually reached Equestria well before Star Scream, but he crashed high in the mountains north of the Crystal Empire and wound up frozen again. Now he spends his days being worshiped in secret by the Yaks, who think he is some kind of harbinger of the worst blizzard Yaks have yet to see, and so they leave him offerings to appease him.
Fun fact number two: Megatron was still not the first Decepticon to reach Equestria, that honor goes to a particularly deadly bot named Rail Runner, who currently hides in plain sight running cross country as, The Friendship Express! Making regular stops in Manehatten, San Palomino, Vanhoover, Ponyville, and Canterlot.
Fun fact number three: In about two years or so, Star Scream will have, somehow, rebuilt himself once again. Which obviously means that he will try again. Which logically means that I will have to catalog those events for you all as well…
That’s all for tonight folks, you’ve been wonderfull! Thank you, thank you! We’ll be here all week, tip your waitresses!
Twilight Sparkle was confused, as confused as she had every right to be that day at least. You see, poor Twily here had agreed to help her oh so good friend Pinkie Pie out by running a few basic errands for her. Errands like say, dropping off a few party invitations, taking Gummy to the groomers, Picking up Star Scream's ego from the machine shop, and of course grabbing a few home essentials.
Which is where we find our little purple heroine now, staring intently at the crumpled piece of paper floating before her, trying her darndest to glean any amount of sane meaning from the words written in pink crayon. More to the point, she studied two words in particular…
Twilight looked up again, her eyes scanning the store shelf in front of her, all manner of liquid detergents and fabric softeners stared straight back. The happy little cartoon advertisements all mocking her with insipid little quotes about ‘being the best brand ever’, or, ‘endorsed by Celestia herself!’ As expected however, the legendary ‘Laundry Juice,’ was nowhere to be seen.
Already an hour had passed since she had been halted by this roadblock, and three since having arrived at the store. Again Twilight racked her brain for answers, trying desperately to picture the laundry room back at Sugar Cube Corner’TM’ only to realize that she had never even seen a laundry in the building. Did they have a laundry? Where was it? By Celestia what kind of juice did they use?!
Smoke wafting from her mane, Twilight grabbed one of each in her magic and shoved them into her shopping bag. Reasoning that she could easily return any that Pinkie didn’t want, she returned her attention to the shopping list with a slightly, if not adorable, maniacal grin. Taking a calming breath to remind herself the worst was over she read the next item on the list. Her eye began to twitch uncontrollably…
“Okay every pony take your places, we go live in thirty seconds!” Called the stage coordinator as he stomped a hoof for emphasis, glancing at a notepad to confirm final positions for his lighting crew.
“Thirty seconds!?” Morning Gossip shrieked from off to the side, her hair and makeup assistant still hurrying to make a few final adjustments. “Oh, goodness I couldn’t possibly!”
“Tough! And it’s more like fifteen seconds!” The coordinator shouted back as he turned to double check his cameras. “For flank sakes, Lens Cap, get the lens cap!!”
“Sorry sir!” Lens Cap replied with a panicked yelp as he flailed forward out of his chair, reaching for the front of his news camera, a nearly completed Sudoku puzzle falling from his lap.
“Good morning all, so sorry I’m late!” Instant Report called over the commotion as he rushed into the room, nearly tripping over Lens Cap as the younger pony bent down to retrieve his magazine with the puzzle in it. The poor intern hurrying along behind him carrying half a dozen cups from Starbuckers proved to be considerably less fortunate.
“Instant!!” Shouted the coordinator, ignoring the startled cries and the steaming hot coffee that had just doused the side of his face, “Do you have any idea what time it is!? Why do you even bother to show up at all!?”
“Because we have a show to do, chief, and you lot would be hopelessly lost without me.” Instant replied cheerfully, silently thanking his now soggy intern as she handed him the emergency backup cup of coffee and his copy of the day’s stories.
“Five seconds!!” Shouted somebody from over by the switchboards.
Morning Gossip hurled herself across the room, crashing into her seat in a flurry of feathers and scattering papers.
Lens Cap reached up and wiped a splotch of coffee from his camera lens.
Another pony kicked the side of the old teleprompter and it flickered to life.
The coordinator, having at last noticed his fresh burns, finished screaming into his hat…
“Good morning Equestria!” Instant Report called charismatically at the camera, his mask of professionalism doing a valiant job of hiding his cheeky grin as he watched Morning attempting to be discreet about restacking her papers in a semblance of order. He loved watching her; loved it even more when it looked like he was the one with their act together.
“Welcome back to yet another morning news segment, where you’ll be brought up to date with all the latest and most pressing news of your day!” Instant continued cheerfully, stretching his words out just a tad to buy his wife some time. Not that she really needed it. “With your hosts, Instant Report.”
“And Morning Gossip,” Morning finished the intro, flashing Instant a grateful smile before pulling up the first of her papers.
Instant cleared his throat, glancing at his own paper before returning his gaze to the camera, staring it down with a serious expression. “Our first story this morning comes to us all the way from the Sea Pony Kingdom, seems as though all Equestria has been invited by the princess there for a concert. According to her, the performers are a pair of-“ he squinted at the paper- “Up and coming clams…”
He shrugged and continued. “Their heart moving performance should prove once and for all just how much something small can create…”
“Very heartwarming Instant, thank you. Although I’m not sure that merited the top spot on our line up today…” Morning muttered flatly.
“You don’t like it? Blame our sponsors, I just read what they print.”
Giving her husband a narrow glance Morning cleared her throat. “Yes well, quite, our next story comes straight from the desk of homeland security who have just announced that the rash of unexplained disappearances from nearly five years ago may not have been solved after all. Over the past month there have been six confirmed reports of missing ponies, all originating from in or around the small frontier town of Appaloosa. As yet law enforcement has not released any information involving suspects or for that matter, leads of any kind.”
“Frightening, Morning, thank you. Well it seems the little town of Appaloosa just keeps getting kicked while they are down lately as we have two reports involving the seemingly luckless town today. The second, being a follow up regarding the six point eight earthquake the township suffered a little over two months ago. The ground seems to have had enough of the poor ponies there as a few minor aftershocks have shaken residents' nerves, and occasional tremors continue to hamper efforts to repair the town…”
Morning sighed as she prepared to deliver the last item. “I don’t understand why ponies keep moving there. Well, on a lighter note our final piece for the morning comes in all the way from the office for the Princesses’ personal assistant. Seems as though our beloved rulers are going to be taking an extended vacation, and are looking for a few brave souls to look after a few things of theirs. The items on this list include a rather mischievous phoenix, a freeloading nephew, and a slightly senile wizard from the distant past. Oh, and they also need somepony to walk Discord…”
“The stunned silence is very encouraging, I’m sure they will have no problems whatsoever finding willing volunteers and, oh.” Instant Report trailed off for a moment as he reread the last bit of his transcript. “Apparently, compliance by the public is mandatory, and there will be a random drawing at the end of the week to see which pony gets what…”
“Oh dear.” Morning grumbled out with a sigh, her shoulders slumping. “Well, good luck everypony else, and try to have a lovely day out there!”
“Yes indeed and thank you all for sharing your morning with us, I’ve been your host, Instant Report!”
“And Morning Gossip, see you at noon for the midday nicker report!”
“All right everypony, that’s a wrap!”
“Ahh, another perfectly executed broadcast.”
“We were broadcasting? I thought that was just the test run…”
“Was camera one supposed to be rolling…?”
“This isn’t hazelnut coffee, bleh, it’s just lousy filbert!”
“Sir, the network chairman is on the line, wants to know what the buck is going on in here…”
“Hah! Take that, you stupid swordfish pattern, I win again!”