• Published 20th Mar 2014
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The Bottom Shelf - JakeAndDollars

Just a place to display our little odds and ends, anything that never really went anywhere but might be worth a laugh.

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Decepticons Used to be a Lot Cooler

Decepticons Used to be a lot Cooler

Rated T for teen due to gratuitous violence against underappreciated and misunderstood robotic life forms that just want a home to go home to.

Equestria, at some random point between episodes…

Big Macintosh was bored. He was bored of plowing the same fields, bucking the same trees, and selling the same apples down in the same town market. It was a good life and he wouldn’t have traded it for the world. But maybe, just maybe, it would be nice to go out into that world and see what there was to see.

Having just reached the end of his latest furrow Big Mac reached back and unhitched himself from his trusty old plow and took in the satisfying sight of another perfectly straight row, the smell of freshly turned soil dancing across his muzzle. Gripping the handle in his powerful jaws he swung the heavy piece of iron around into the perfect position to begin the next track.

Mac was just lining up to hitch himself back into the plow when he stopped, ears twitching, swiveling in their sockets in search of a sound just at the edge of their ability to detect. The stallion cocked his head, listening intently as what sounded like a rumble of thunder rolled over Sweet Apple Acres ‘TM’ and echoed off the hills behind the barn.

Knowing there was nothing apart from sun scheduled for the day Big Mac was understandably surprised by what his eyes eventually spotted high in the sky; a plume of fire that trailed smoke as it tore across the horizon, just missing the far hills before sailing over Ponyville, Making a beeline for Mac's freshly plowed field… Because of course it was….

Throwing himself to the side Big Mac took refuge behind the only piece of cover available amongst the recently turned soil, sprawling on his belly a moment before the inferno passed by overhead, low enough to singe the hairs along the end of the farmers’ tail.

Peering out from his place of refuge behind the trusty old plow, Mac could only stare in awe as the fiery object augured into the ground, blasting apart the far end of the field in a shower of dirt and gouts of flame as it ground through the soil. A bone rattling tremor shook the stallion to his core as the countless tons of material left a deep scar upon his farm, the mass of metal finally ceasing its movement along the far fence, just before the first rows of last year’s new saplings.

Composing himself Big Mac eventually dared venture a peek beyond the thick slab of heavy iron, stepping from the bastion of safety as curiosity gained ground over self preservation and urged his hooves forward. The steps were slow at first, labored by the weight of uncertainty, but before Mac knew it the big red stallion found himself a mere stones throw from whatever it was that had just ruined his days labor. The smoldering lump of rocky looking material seemed normal enough to Mac, at least, until it began to speak…

“Ahhh! Yet another butchered landing! I’ll never understand why anyone travels this way, we all have self contained propulsion systems that can operate just fine in space, why don’t we just use those?!” At these words the smoldering ball of wreckage burst apart, revealing the owner of the strangely metallic voice.

Mac could only stare in disbelief as the creature rose to its full towering height, metal limbs flashing in the light of the sun, clicking and whirring as they spun and locked into place. He couldn’t believe his eyes; it was a machine! Tall as the barn and nearly as wide at the shoulders the metallic titan looked built for a fight, and if his tone was any indication, ready to start one.

“Now then, to find that contemptible little pony that damaged me so,” the transformed automaton said aloud, seemingly to no one in particular as he apparently had yet to take notice of Big Mac. A fact the farmer was quite happy about as he had elected to stay quiet behind his trusty plow.

Turning his gaze towards the nearby town of Ponyville the machine tilted its head back and roared out in an unbelievably loud voice. “Hear me Rainbow Dash! I, the great and powerful Star Scream have come for my revenge! Prepare yourself!”

With those words of warning surely sending terror into the hearts of all before him, Star Scream started off towards the modest hamlet, picturing all the horrific things he would do to that diminutive upstart once he got his hands on her. Little did his processors realize, however, there would be someone else to deal with first. Of course, they realized it fairly quickly when the rather hefty dirt clod impacted the side of his left ocular cluster…

Automatically cycling the cleaning plates over his visual sensors Star Scream came to a stop, looking around in a bewildered huff. “Who dares challenge me!?” He said with a snarl, wiping a smear of soil from his magnificent face.

Big Mac could hardly believe himself, what had possessed him to do something so foolish? The machine had completely passed him by, he was scot free! Maybe it wasn’t too late? Maybe he could just run, the barn was not far off, if he could just…. Nope, the giant monster was looking right at him, death in its eyes. The frog of his hoof tightened around the edge of the plows blade, there was no going back now…

“You there!” Called the towering brute, taking a step closer as it’s features darkened in rage. “You shall suffer greatly and die by my hand, but first, you will tell me where I can find the pony known as Rainbow Dash!”

Mac’s brow furrowed, his other hoof grasped the reins meant for attaching the heavy piece of iron to his harness. There was no choice, Mac knew Dash could handle herself in a fight but, this guy looked like he meant business.

The farmer shook his head, a defiant mask settling over his face as the mighty machine took another step in his direction. “Nope,” he replied firmly, setting his shoulders, his stance widening slightly. “If’n yer lookin ta fight with Dash again, yer gonna haft’a git past me first, ya silver snake.”

Star Scream was dumbfounded, had this hillbilly halfwit honestly just challenged him to do battle? A battle that would most certainly lead to the pony’s untimely death. Not to say that Star Scream wouldn’t enjoy a brief warm up before utterly annihilating that upstart rainbow colored wretch, to think that he had somehow lost to her was unthinkable! Clearly there had been some biased gods watching their battle that day!

“Very well, Pony, I accept your challenge!” Star Scream stated, boldly taking another step closer to emphasize his point. A wide array of dastardly pain inflicting devices deployed in an impressive display of damaging deterrence, a collection several years in the rebuilding, and making him far deadlier now than last he battled a pony. “Prepare yourself, worm! For I, Star Scream, bring your death battle!”

Without further warning a missile the size of an apple cart launched from the titans back, making a beeline straight and true for the seemingly helpless pony not too far away. In a matter of seconds it would be over, Star Scream found himself wishing that the farmer had more fight in him than that, but alas, he was doomed to boredom for the moment. Or, so he thought…

With a powerful roll of his shoulders Mac hefted the plow and hurled it at the incoming missile, gripping the reins in a hoof he swung the ground rending implement in a wide arc. Quick as a whip the plow's blade cleaved clean through the deadly missile, turning the weapon into little more than flaming scrap before it swung back towards Mac.

Star Scream could hardly believe his scanners as he watched the remains of one of his finest missiles crash harmlessly into the churned soil, smoke and flickering flames trailing in its wake. It was a fluke, it had to be! There was no way one of these namby pamby ponies could defeat him as he was now!

With an angry growl the massive Decepticon leaned forward and launched half a dozen more of the rocket propelled explosives at his foe, overkill or not he wanted to send a message. There was no way the pathetic quadruped could repel firepower of that magnitude! This time, he had won for sure!

As the plow continued on its way, swinging back around in a wide circle, Big Mac waited a heart beat after it passed him by before leaping after it, allowing the hurtling mass of metal to yank him away through the air. No sooner was Mac out of harms way the first pair of missiles slammed into the ground where he had been, detonating in twin clouds of flame and billowing smoke.

Twisting his body mid air Mac lashed out with a hind leg, striking the side of the third missile as it screamed towards him which sent it spiraling into the fourth. As the two damaged weapons fell to the ground, their thrusters sputtering pitifully, Mac’s plow stabbed into the soil once more.

Anchored by the farming implement jammed firmly into the soil Mac was unceremoniously removed from his brief flight, as well as from the flight path of the fifth missile, which overshot its target and immediately arced into the sky. As the momentarily confused missile began to lazily circle back around far over head Big Mac was already moving back the way he had come, now clutching the reins in his teeth the burly farmer charged the advancing robot for all he was worth.

Star Scream could only stare in stunned silence as the red equine managed to duck under the final missile and continue on, his vice like grip wrenching the plow from the dirt as the line went taut behind him.

The stupefied Decepticon’s silence quickly turned into a shriek of surprise however as he suddenly found the blade of the plow hurtling towards his face! That filthy mud pony was playing this dirty! On instinct the processors in charge of his limbs attempted to maneuver his massive frame into a graceful dodge, but alas, he kept slipping on this stupidly churned soil!

Unable to complete process because of missing drivers Star Scream braced for the inevitable impact with the flying hunk of impure iron, brass fittings, and some vegetarian friendly alternative to leather belting… Wait…

Really? That was all that made up the approaching impromptu projectile? It was just iron, dug out of the dirt and crudely fashioned into an isosceles triangle, so why was he even remotely worried about it? That was stupid! Wasting computations on something that couldn’t possibly damage him! Ha! What a stupid strate-…

The deceptively heavy plow slammed into the now guffawing Star Scream, slightly turning his head with the force of the blow but otherwise not leaving so much as a scratch on the polished alloy. Megatron’s second couldn’t resist a devilish grin as he watched the now obviously fleeing pony pass by between his legs, pouring on the speed as if death itself were homing in on his flanks… “Hmmm, what’s that infernal whooshing noise…?”

That is when the now locked on missile streaked out of the sky in hot pursuit of the pony that had managed to temporarily elude its sensors and, being unable to turn quickly enough to avoid the new object in its path, slammed home exactly where you were probably expecting it to... His face… It hit the big metal idiot in his face because he turned to look at the obvious cause of the whooshing noise….

Star Scream did exactly that as the resulting explosion knocked him off his feet and hurled him head over heals across the dirt, the chemical fires scorching his metallic skin and burned his crevices. He tumbled surprisingly far for such a large bot, end over end he went before a pile of something soft and gooey caused his rather, undignified, hault.

It was a giant pile of manure… from the pig pen… Macs next chore would have been to spread it out over the freshly plowed field, but… Giant robot fight and all… You understand…

We’ll make Apple Bloom do it tomorrow…

Is her name one word or two…?

Jake, just ignore this I’m rambling here. Don’t worry we’ ll figure it out in post.

Where was I? Ahh yes, pig shit scene…

Battered and smoldering, Star Scream pushed himself up to his knees. “That shorts the last circuit! I am going to murder every last one of you meat bags!” He roared, spitting out a few lumps of, uh, dirt… yeah… “You think you’re so smart!? So what if you actually managed to dodge one of my missiles! I have a hundred more! I shall rain fire upon your lands! I shall strike down upon thee with-“

“Two,” Mac stated calmly, standing a short distance away, his trusty plow at his side, neither looking any worse for wear.

“What…?” Star Scream stammered out, a touch of concern entering his voice as he ran a quick inventory check. Specifically on his missiles, that were supposed to fire five at a time… “Oh crumb…”

Appearing in a rainbow blur above Big Mac, Rainbow Dash smiled down with a victorious grin, “Hey bucket head, you drop these?” She called down with a voice brimming with mischievous mirth, clutched under each foreleg was one of the damaged rockets from earlier, no longer flight worthy but still very much active.

Star Scream tried to get up, tried to do what he did best and run away, but all he got in response was another error message. Something about drivers not found and needing to build more pylons, if that joke is still relevant.

The Decepticon's face fell as Rainbow Dash tossed the still sputtering missiles at him, their damaged payloads ready to detonate at the slightest jostling. “Not Again…” He wined pitifully.

A heartbeat later the second Missile to have missed Big Mac showed up with perfectly timed dramatic flare, detonating and taking the other two weapons with it. The combined explosions tore the murderous machine apart, ripping through armor and setting off numerous other ordinances he carried, whether they be bombs, bullets, or dime store firecrackers it all went up.

Finally, after the last bang had banged, and the last boom had- BOOM! –uh, after the last boom had boomed… Okay, uh, there was very little left of poor Star Scream, his limbs had been reduced to mangled scrap, and his body looked like one of those cars you go to a ‘you pull it’ junkyard to scavenge parts off of. All told, he was a pretty sorry sight. Poor poor Star Scream.

“I Think he moved!” Rainbow shouted, darting over and bucking the everliving- BLEEP! –out of what was left of Star Scream’s face. This continued for at least another twenty minutes, Dashie just kicking and punching him, and occasionally that kick punching thing she does mid air, man she’s cool to watch…

Anyway, eventually a bunch of the townsfolk showed up and, after hearing about what went down, they too took to punching and bucking and just beating in general. Of course, that wasn’t good enough for the kind hearted ponies of Ponyville, no sir.

A quick- three hours –town meeting later saw the crowd reorganized- by Twilight, go figure –into a right proper mob, complete with torches, pitchforks, regular forks, whisks, a boating oar… Is that my Klingon bat’leth replica…?

Essentially speaking, we cannot accurately describe the legendary beating that followed and still keep our teen rating, but rest assured it was quite epic. All the while, the helpless Star Scream could do nothing but lie there and take his punishment for being so bad. Because he was in fact still very much alive…

Unfortunately for Star Scream, both his locomotion unit and vocal projection unit had been destroyed in the blast, rendering him an immobile mute. So, there was nothing for him to do but wait and hope that Megatron would arrive soon to rescue his sorry behind, again…

That was also about the time the Princesses arrived, and boy oh boy were they peeved…

That also happens to be about the time I received my beating for saying a naughty word…

And they all lived happily ever after…

Except for Star Scream…

Because he’s a dingus…

The End

And now for some fun facts regarding todays episode.

Fun fact number one: Megatron actually reached Equestria well before Star Scream, but he crashed high in the mountains north of the Crystal Empire and wound up frozen again. Now he spends his days being worshiped in secret by the Yaks, who think he is some kind of harbinger of the worst blizzard Yaks have yet to see, and so they leave him offerings to appease him.

Fun fact number two: Megatron was still not the first Decepticon to reach Equestria, that honor goes to a particularly deadly bot named Rail Runner, who currently hides in plain sight running cross country as, The Friendship Express! Making regular stops in Manehatten, San Palomino, Vanhoover, Ponyville, and Canterlot.

Fun fact number three: In about two years or so, Star Scream will have, somehow, rebuilt himself once again. Which obviously means that he will try again. Which logically means that I will have to catalog those events for you all as well…

That’s all for tonight folks, you’ve been wonderfull! Thank you, thank you! We’ll be here all week, tip your waitresses!

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