The Bottom Shelf

by JakeAndDollars

Another Good Morning Equestria

“Running on the tradition started by the first edition, this continuation shall feature all conversation to further all exasperation within the administration due to lack of adequate contemplation…”

“Seriously, I was pulling at strings for this one…”

Another Good Morning Equestria

“Hey there everypony, it’s six AM here in this great city of Manehatten. The sun is on schedule with full sunrise at six nineteen, a zenith of twelve fifty seven, and a beautiful orange cast sunset whenever Celestia feels like it. I’m not kidding that’s really what my official Canterlot bulletin says. The scheduled forecast for today shows full sun all morning with a quick shower at noon before tonight’s festival of lights.”

“And with that it’s our pleasure to welcome you all to this morning’s show, with your hosts, Morning Gossip.”

“Aaand Instant Report. Good morning and welcome back, we have a lot of good stories for you this morning, but first, let’s check the day’s headlines. Morning?”

“Thank you, Instant. Today’s front page comes to us all the way from the front desk of Canterlot castle’s lost and found department, the article simply reads, ‘Found, one Draconequus. Lost, all sanity.’ The officials have just this hour released a statement on the condition of their situation. Apparently even though it’s December there are flying swordfish, the Microscruff office paperclip has escaped the computers and is running amok, and apparently, we are invited for shawarma…”

“Well, as soon as this segment is done I’m getting my coat.”

“You don’t have a coat, Instant. You don’t wear one.”

“But, it’s December. Shouldn’t I keep up appearences?”

“That would be nice dear, better late than never I suppose…”

“Well, if that’s how you’re going to be about it, I think I’ll make Lens Cap my plus one instead.”

“Woho!”

“Oh very mature Instant, if you aren’t doing anything useful with that tongue put it back in your mouth… you too Lens, the invite is only for us…”

“Ahh.”

“Uh, yes dear, ‘cough’ erm, where was I? Hmm, here we go, yes, in recent weeks the Canterlot tabloids have been abuzz with the revelation of Princess Luna’s apparent visits to the city’s local drug addicts anonymous group. In an official press conference yesterday, ‘which Luna failed to attend,’ the sunglasses clad Celestia had only this to say, Lens, the clip please…”

“Oh, sorry.”

“S'all good my peeps, lulu just got her sh’BLEEP’t whacked by some bad dope yall, she jus needz tah chill out for a spell. Where’s my f’BLEEP’ queso?!”

“In any case, I think I speak for everyone when I wish her majesty good luck with her, endeavor, to get clean. I’ll certainly be first in line to sign her D.A.R.E. card. Wait, her what? Where did Luna go for these classes, third grade?”

“How fascinating, that is some excellent journalism, Instant. Our next story takes us beyond the farthest reaches of Equestria, to the remote sands of the Saddle Arabian deserts where, after more than three centuries, the wreck of the trade ship Aurelia has finally been discovered. The ship was found in a remote region some four hundred miles off her planned course and nearly one hundred fifty miles inland… Just further proof that stallions can never simply admit they are lost, and ask for directions…”

“Mom was right, you are mean…”

“Oh, stop pouting between your teeth and take us to commercial, Instant.”

“Yes dear, ‘sigh’ and when we come back, a consumer rated list of milk proof toasters…”

Author's Note:

I work seventy plus hours a week, what do you people expect from a side project…?
Love Dollars, please, just a little bit, I'm trying.