• Member Since 15th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 22nd, 2018

pyre_panda


Short Bio.

T

Rainbow Dash, age 16, once a tough bully who hung out with the wrong crowd and bullied everyone out of her heart, finds the unlikely friendship of the kind hearted Fluttershy. This is a tale of love and loss. Will their friendship grow into something bigger and more meaningful? Stay tuned to find out!

Edited by Bowow
Also edited by the Lovely Idknamehere (http://www.fimfiction.net/user/idknamehere)

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 22 )

Interesting start, look forward to seein where this goes.

:pinkiesmile::pinkiesmile::pinkiesmile::pinkiesmile::pinkiesmile::pinkiesmile: / 10

"Rainbow Dash". Needs a space. You misspelled it in the description.

4110663 Thank you. I would have over looked that. I get so bad at wording and spelling sometimes.

Hmm, quite interesting. Though I like the way this was set up, it's just going way way too fast and there are some consistency issues. I can see that this is the first story you posted, and probably written as well. First off the pacing needs to slow down, you're rushing into this. I hardly felt any emotional connections with Fluttershy because things were just going so fast that I don't have time to be invested and to let what happened to her sink in. You could probably split this into two chapters, writing more into RD's emotions about what happened to Flutters, there's a whole lot of stuff that you can do here since this is a first person POV. You have a great style and I would hate to see such a thing and this story not get the recognition it deserves.

I want to help you, heck I would love to! Just send me a PM and we can talk a bit more on this, okay?:pinkiesmile:

Good start. Some issues im seeing is that it feels rushed, some spelling issues, the spelling issue with your writing style makes some of this confusing. I read through this twice already. I'll be keeping my eyes out for more.

Now I'm on an actual computer. If you'd like some clarification, then I'll be happy to talk more about it. I'd like to see where this story is going. :D

I grabbed her wrist and pulled her into the bed

that excalated quickly

I like the overall idea. I really do! Unfortunately - this fic does not deliver the idea as good, as it could.

It all feels rushed. Horribly rushed.

First we know, that Fluttershy pretty much killed her mother and is going to live with a girl who bullied her. Then we suddenly see Dash crying for pretty much no reason, Fluttershy laying on Rainbow's bed, asking her to stay, then RD stays with her whole night holding her hand...

And then Dash goes to take a shower. Flutters barges in and... Something happens. I don't really know what exactly. Was Rainbow bathing in her swimsuit? Did Fluttershy just casually went under the shower with Dash and stood there? What the hell happened?

And everything is suddenly fine and dandy. Over the night everything is fixed, RD's mother is joking freely, Dash's largest concern is how flat she is, her mother gives Flutters a makeover and they are going...

Somewhere. Fluttershy took Rainbow (or was it Rainbow who took Fluttershy?) to a... Picnick? Restaurant? And somebody starts hitting on Flutters, kicks/punches Dash, then Dash punches him, lifts Fluttershy and goes... Somewhere.

That was an intense chapter. I felt like there were like 3-4 of them in one. Seriously, you could easily split them in a few of 3k words-long chaps. For example:

1. Fluttershy leaves her house, we see all of the action, we see what is happening, why RD's mother decided to take Flutters to her home et cetera.

2. Rainbow can't get over it, she fights with her emotions, Fluttershy fights with her emotions, they fight with eachother, Dash feels bad for Flutters, goes to apologize and comfort her.

3. *And the week has passed*, Fluttershy is mostly OK now, she slowly befriends Rainbow. And we have classical scene we know from every anime - one of them barges in while the other is taking a shower.

4. They decide that Fluttershy needs some clothes, so RD's mother is giving Flutters a temporary makeover, then she and Dash are going to town to buy some more clothes. They are there untill late evening, they eat in some restaurant and we have the damsel in distress situation, and Rainbow as a White Knight.

I'll keep this story on my Read Later list, though. I'll be back in some time, hoping, that you'll rewrite this fic. It'd be a shame if idea that good would go to waste. When you'll fix the pacing and other issues, I'll gladly give you like+fav.

As for now - keep it up. Rome was not built in a day, work on it and I'm sure, that one day you'll write a truly great fic :pinkiehappy:

Edit: Oh, and I finished the first chapter now, the few last sentences... Did RD pulled Flutters to her bed? Just like that?

The pacing now looks more and more like a Brony In Equestria fic... I met the pony I love, she took me to her home since I had nowhere to stay, then I took her to a date, rescued her from a Manticor and the clop happened. End of chapter one (1160 words)

Hate to say it, but I agree with Angius. I got pretty excited for this story, hoping it would/could be fixed some way. Another issue I'm seeing with this story is that there's a lot of spots where certain words, or actions, (Hell, detailed information), are left out, which means that I have to read it several times over to either hope I figured it out, or be left very confused and forcing myself to continue.

4143727

Very very much this. Your story is so rushed I literally can barely keep track of what's actually happening from moment to moment.

I mean they're stalked, kidnapped, imprisoned, and freed (by someone?) and then kiss all in the space of a chapter. Things are simply going way to fast to make for a good story.

since its an AU, it needs to be set up a bit more, like a bit more of a build up. Alas, t'was good.

4266496
Im sorry if i sound stupid for asking… but what is an AU?

This is gonna be great. I feels it.
~Wywint
I really enjoyed the writing style used here, but I do have a few questions:
1: Was/Is Rainbow a bully? The description says so, but so far nothing has hinted that.
2: Do Rainbow and Fluttershy know each other before the fire? (did Rainbow bully her at some poin? [assuming she was a bully])
Otherwise, Fantastic. We're going to track this, seems pretty solid!

~Ross

4272655 *sigh*
Alternate universe, things happen in a story that somewhat/completly differ from the canon of the show. Technically, all fics are AU, but if they stay true to the theme/setting/characterization, they are 'non-AU.'
I have an AU fic in the works, Just click here to view it, just to show the difference.
if you have any Questions/Comments/Concers, PM (private message) me or something, I'm glad to help out.
~Wywint
me too!
~Ross

4276349
Thank you for explaining that. And I haven't gotten that Far in the chapter/ character development stuff because I was cramming for my ACT. I think I will post the Second Minisode then chapter 3. I think I'll work it in there. It was originally in Chapter 1 but It got worked out of it somehow.

Is this the rewritten version? 'Cause I can't find my comment on it, but this chapter doesn't feel too different from the previous one. Nevermind, my comment somehow ended in chaper 2. Which is strange, since the only one I opened was the first one...
I just pretty much skipped most of the chapter, just generally checking what changed. I'll give it a more in-depth read and comment when I'll find some time, though.

4286405

Lots of changes are being made in the story, especially in the first chapter. Expect it to be done sometime by the end of the month. Chapter 2 will also be going through some changes, but will be done until after chapter 1 is finished.

I give it an (drumroll) A/10









#Jontron

Wait..................


Is Fluttershy ..........

FAT.



NOOOOOOOO. SHE IS LIKE THE SKINNIEST ONE OF ALL OF THEM.:fluttercry:

Fluttershy: "Aww, Mr. Colonel, I don't feel so finger-lickin' good..."

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