Rainbow Dash has unwittingly offended half of Ponyville, all thanks to one pony’s absurd confession of their undying love. Realising that her position as Ponyville’s flying team captain was slipping away, Rainbow Dash tells a lie; a lie that can only hope to stand up to Ponyville’s scrutiny with the cooperation of Twilight Sparkle.
Will Twilight agree to help Rainbow Dash? How long will they be able to deceive the rest of Ponyville with their farce? What will happen if Rainbow Dash realises that she has something more important in her life than flying?
Chapters (2)
Wow, okay.
So, let's start off with this. I see you've just joined the site, and that this is your first story posted, so welcome!
The premise for this story seems interesting, and I could definitely see Rainbow Dash panicking and pulling a stunt like this. It'll be fun to see Twilight's reaction, and where the two go from there.
Now to the fun part.
First, your prologue, well, wasn't really a prologue. It was the first part of chapter 1. That's just me being nitpicky though.
Secondly, the way this entire chapter went down is just absurd. Rainbow Dash turned down Thunderlane's confession, and now she's suddenly in danger of losing her position as Captain of the flying team for the Equestrian Games? As said by Mayor Mare, no less. That goes beyond juvenile schoolyard politics right into the realm of WTF?!
Sure, Thunderlane may have had a lot of ponies supporting his crush, but this kind of reaction is just crazy. It's not like Rainbow Dash unloaded on him or anything. She wasn't rude, and she definitely wasn't "unprofessional". Honestly, what would professionalism have to do in a case like this?
Think of it like this, let's switch the characters around. Put Twilight it Rainbow's place, Celestia in Mayor Mare's, and Blueblood in Thunderlane's.
"I'm sorry Prince Blueblood, but I just don't feel that way towards you."
"My faithful student! That attitude is very unbecoming of a princess! Unless you come up with a very hastily thought-up excuse right now I'll have no choice but to turn you back into a unicorn and banish you from Equestria."
Seems a bit silly doesn't it?
And as a last note, you may want to watch the pacing of the narrative. It wasn't too bad given how short this chapter was, but it would be nice to see a bit more of the scene. Just as a thought.
Anyways, I'll keep an eye on this. As I said, I'd like to see where it goes.
4050678 i actually agree. while i have read some convoluted reactions to things like this, this one kind of stretches the limit. i would give my own critique, but ssjgokillo summed it up pretty well. but i'm still going to see how this all plays out.
4050678
I have to agree, I really just could not get passed the premise, that Dash has to lie or half the town will turn against her. Really? Half the town? I mean, for one thing, look at who her friends are, I have to think that between the five of them they probably have more sway over ponyville than some Pegasus who....what? Has a crush? Oh sure, by all means side with him over the mare who helped save all your lives multiple times. Furthermore, if Dash was going to come up with an excuse, why say she's dating Twilight? Why not just say that she's gay. It isn't as if that couldn't progress to basically the same place narratively, and it would make a lot more sense. I mean, what train of logic led her to that?
Personally, I think the idea could work, If you changed a few things (if you don't mind me suggesting them), for example, have Thunderlane ask Dash out without her finding out about it from her friends beforehand. She's so caught off guard that she handle's it poorly and accidently humiliates Thunderlane in public, and instead of it being 'half the town is behind him' have the way she treated him spread like a rumour through the town become more outlandish as it goes. That, I think would be more believable
4050678
Wow, thanks for your in-depth comment (thanks for taking the time to read my story as well!). This is my first pony fan-fiction, so any constructive criticism is really appreciated.
I'm really glad that you've brought up your 2nd point, I actually didn't really notice it all until you've pointed out. I guess I probably got so wrapped up with the direction that I was trying to push the story that I sorta overlooked that. I'll probably tweak the first chapter slightly so that it doesn't seem as unbelievable
Also, would you mind clarifying what you meant about the "pace of the narrative"? I'm not quite sure if I follow. Thanks!
4050929
I really appreciate the idea that you gave me to make this story better, I'll be working to fix it up as best as I can. After I finish editing it, please tell me if the new idea works better
4050678 seconded, if anything it would be unprofessional for thunderlane to ask RD in the first place.
EDIT: I suppose its all just an excuse to have a sitcom story
A bit silly
but the premice is neat and I'd like to see where this goes
4050964
If you really want to stir up outrage against RD to push her into the "Fake-out Make-out" route with Twilight you should ditch Thunderlane for either a unicorn or a mare and have the rumormill twist the rejection into a hateful anti-unicorn/lesbian rant. Racism is also a valid reason to endanger someones job.
Polarizing hot button topics are polarizing.
thinking about it, its kinda a dick move to remove you from the squad, when someone asked you out and you said no. Mayor mare's a dick...
Awwww shit, you sir have my attention now.
Look at that overreaction. She doesn't want to go on a date with a guy and she's kicked off team? I mean... wut? This is... totally unbelievable, in my honest opinion. I mean, she wasn't rude about, she was just a bit... cliche. And even iif she was rude, that is still such an immense over reaction that the Mayer should be the one kicked from her position.
And another thing bugging me; Pinkie and Rarity were right there. Why the hell did they not jump to her defense? They surly should have thought that they were blowing things way out of proportion. As soon as Mayor made the threat they should have called bull on her, but what did they do? Sit there silently. Rarity, maybe, but Pinkie? No way.
Totally unbelievable start, and splitting up this and the epilogue was, quite frankly, pointless. If I can fit the entire chapter onto my screen, it's too short to be its own thing.
Will track, if only because Twidash is still Twidash and I quite like the plot.
4050964
My pleasure! I'm glad you found my comments helpful. To be honest, the first fanfic I ever wrote had a very similar issue, where I was so wrapped up in the story I wanted to tell that I didn't stop to make sure it actually worked. The result was awful, but I learned from it
When it comes to the pacing of the narrative, what I mean is that the story could do with more details. As an example, The Proposal opens up with Rainbow Dash having just finished her lunch, in a way that apparently disgusted Rarity. We know that she ate sloppily, but you could put that into words to help give the story character.
Example:
It was the single most horrific sight some ponies had ever seen. Ponies who had been simply going about their day found themselves stuck, watching the catastrophe with the morbid fascination of any calamity. One poor stallion found himself emptying the contents of his stomach into a nearby bush.
What could cause such distress in the citizens of Ponyville?
Rainbow Dash's table manners.
Rarity held a menu in her magical grip, deftly moving it to as a shield to block the pieces of food that Rainbow Dash was somehow flinging across the table in her scramble to eat. One would think that, with as hungry as Rainbow Dash apparently was, she would strive to actually get some of the food into her mouth.
Finally, the torrent of flying food parts came to a slow, and then halted altogether.
“Ahhh… that hit the spot.” Rainbow Dash said as she leaned back on her chair with her plate empty.
/end Example
Giving us more imagery, more details, will only help your story in the long run. Imagine the scene in your head, pick out the details, and transcribe those so we know that you're seeing and trying to convey to us.
Another good trick is to "tell" the reader something without actually spelling it out to them.
Example:
Twilight was horrified
vs.
Twilight's eyes widened and her pupils shrank to the point that the purple irises almost completely disappeared. Her heart was thundering in her chest like a stampede of buffalo, and she could feel a cold sweat break out under her fur.
Hope that this helps out even a little, and I'll eagerly be awaiting the next chapter!
I, uh, well. I'll track this due to TwiDash, but apart from that, the premise of this just screams out "what?"
I'm not sure how it's unprofessional to reject a teammate's advances. If anything it would be unprofessional to accept, as a falling out would jeopardise training sessions due to bitterness. Or if no breakup were to happen, favouritism comes into play and the other team members grow annoyed and bitter.
I shall see how this plays out, but for now I reserve my judgement.
4051301
that's actually a really good point, and it would also justify why she specifically said she was dating Twilight as opposed to just saying she was gay, which as it stands would make more sense
So by everyones logic, she had no right to turn down Thunderlane for asking her out. I mean, they really aren't taking her feelings into consideration there.
4050678 seconded or is it now thirded? Or is it 3rded
When The next chapter comes out?