Not even a week has passed since Discord's defeat and Equestria's future is once again at stake. Will Twilight be able to learn the cause of tragedy in time, or will evil reign supreme once more?
Chapters (2)
CuppaTea
Joined 11th Mar, 2012 ·
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Hmm...it's a good start, and an interesting twist on the beginning of Equestria
Mmm...it's an interesting story.
Hmm...certainly interesting, looks promising.
I like your writing style, even though I haven't seen much interaction between characters yet. There is so much you can do wrong... But the dialogue between Twilight and Spike seems nice and fluent, so I wont complain. I still can't get the feeling out of my head that I've read the first three sentences in a similar fashion somewhere else.
It's quite short, though. Do you plan on keeping the chapters like this? And do you have an idea how long the story itself is going to be?
Anyway, liked, tracked, watched.
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Thank you!
Before this I only wrote comics, so dialogue is kind of my forte. It's everything else that has me worried haha, but it seems to be going well thus far.
I'll admit, the first paragraph is pretty cliché. I guess I just wanted to get it out of the way; so even if you haven't heard it before exactly, it's a pretty cookie cutter start. =P
I think the chapters will stay pretty short. I'm new to this and I don't want to stress myself out trying to make gigantic updates every week.
Hmm... The length I'm not sure about. I don’t want to rush the character development and story but I don't want to drag it out either. The best answer I can give for now is that it'll be as long as it needs to be. No more, no less.
AHW...you HAD to end it there...UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
Bum bum bum....
Intriguing, certainly. I do like the hints of Cosmos's imperfection and hubris. Flawed deities always make for more interesting mythologies. Furthermore, Pinkie being an alicorn would certainly explain a lot.
You've got another follower. I look forward to seeing where you go with this. That said, consider going with past tense rather than present. Doesn't make that much of a difference, but it is the convention.
Cliffhanger, much?
But seriously, dude that's AMAZEBALLS.
That certainly took another direction as I expected. So many questions, I can't even begin to choose.
But don't get me wrong, I like where this is going and I am escpecially interested in Luna's reaction to all this. Sure, the character tags already tell what is most likely going to happen, but not how it will be exactly and how it will end.
Though I noticed a few mistakes you made; nothing big, mostly missing words and the like.
"... with wide eyes to see Princess Luna at the foot of the throne..."
"Twilight nods knowingly. "The one that came to me." " (the full stop behind "knowingly")
Also, the sentence above seems a bit odd in my eyes. Well, not the sentence itself, but rather the context in which Twilight says it. Luna is speaking of a message she sent to Celestia, right? "... when I sent a message for her." " So why does Twilight state that said message reached her, if it was meant for Celestia? I think you are missing a sentence there.
"The ponies whisper amongst themselves until a chorus of horns sound silent them instantly."
Either "... chorus of horn sounds silent them..." or "... chorus of horns sound and silent them..." Otherwise it seems like the horns are silent.
"... the sun and its Princess are not there..."
"... sniffles out an "alright" as the Princess..."
"... sleep eventually finally finds her." Either scratch out "eventually" or "finally" - both together look odd.
Well, those are all I noticed while reading.
Otherwise, "show, don't tell". You give away a lot of potential atmosphere, sadly.
For example, instead of telling us what the pegasi guards say to Twilight, show us their conversation.
That's all from me for now.
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Hey, thanks a lot for the critique! I'll get right on fixing what's messed up.
wow, i had forgot every little detail about this one...i hope the next one won't take like 5 more months...
great chapter; i really liked luna's reaction, there are way too few stories which actually keeps luna as a pony which easily gets jealous instead of the incredibly insecure anti-social shut-in
also, you should re-evaluate you're tags; sad and comedy doesn't really go together, the tags are supposed to give a picture of the core (the main genres) of the story, not information about every single type genre throughout the entire story, at least on this site (if i remember correctly)
Too bad!😭that the story was never completed