Take it on, the new land is here. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKS
After Luna trained Dell to be an apprentice, he is willing to take Luna's place. She refuses instantly. Dell becomes an alicorn and wants to overthrow all royalty. The only way to destroy him is by making cyponies.
The day I awoken from the surgery, Dell had already started his army. Now it is time to take him out.
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didn't think this bullshit still existed on this site.
After Luna trained Dell to be an apprentice, he is willing to take Luna's place. She refuses instantly. Dell becomes an alicorn and wants to overthrow all royalty. The only way to destroy him is by making cyponies.
The day I awoken from the surgery, Dell had already started his army. Now it is time to take him out.
I want to dissect this.
<<< After Luna trained Dell to be an apprentice,
So she trained him to be... an apprentice.
<<< he is willing to take Luna's place.
I think the mistake here is obvious.
<<< Dell becomes an alicorn and wants to overthrow all royalty.
Yeah. Sure. Okay. He just becomes an alicorn.
<<< The only way to destroy him is by making cyponies.
Right. This is a rational train of thought.
<<< The day I awoken from the surgery,
wat
<<< Dell had already started his army.
Yeah. Okay. Right. He started his army. He was just like "oh, I want one of those. Better start one. Even though I'm stronger than everything, apparently."
<<< Now it is time to take him out.
So apparently a guy that just woke up from... some surgery... is able to take out this alicorn that's apparently retardedly strong... right. Seems legit.
Not to mention you have eight chapters that amount to about 1.6k words instead of just a single chapter... for some reason...
I have a feeling the grammar in the actual story is atrocious. All in all, you might want to just scrap this and start over with something less fucking stupid.
Wut is happening right now I am confuesed
OK, my goal right now, is to take this story, read it all, then edit it. So, maybe I can edit it so, instead of it having 1,632 words, it might have 10,000-20,000 words. Does anyone support this idea?
EDIT:
OK, so now I've read it, which took about 10 minutes. Probably not even that. It's gonna be a difficult task, re-doing all of this.
EDIT:
Ok, so I've created a few chapters, and I hope anyone that reads them likes them. I have more dislikes than likes, but I think that's just one of my friend being an idiot.
URL: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/169790/war-of-ali-new-and-improved-version
I would appreciate any feedback you have, good or bad. Any improvements I need to make, any characters I may need to add. Anything to make my story better for you to read, just put it down in the comments section. Thank you.
Why does a computer want to take over Equestria?
Rise of Dell, a pony who uses machines in combat named Dell...hm.
glsindia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/team_fortress_2__the_engineer_by_onosaka_yuha-d47vyqv1.jpg
*Quoted from the TF2 wiki*
Nah, only a smart author would make that reference.
I think pinkie wrote the last one
