• Member Since 31st Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen April 17th

Pendragon552


A world of Order's no fun at all. But with just Chaos it will soon fall. A perfect balance must be made, else your world will surely fade.

T

"Half of the pony's pelt was dark white, the other pitch black. Her mane and tail were flowing in both directions, one liquid white, the other liquid purple. But when she opened her eyes I recoiled. One eye was fiery gold, the other slitted teal, and she spoke. She spoke with the voice of both Celestia and Luna. 'We are Nightmare Eclipse.' She yelled, her voice echoing through the castle. Nightmare Eclipse turned her head to me, and smirked. 'And you, must die.' "
The princesses have been corrupted, turned into a monstrosity, and all of Equestria has been poisoned by the Nightmare Energy. Now everyone is darker, eviler, and much more powerful. All but those select few who avoided it, and all this done by one unicorn named ShadowBright. Now she must quest to save the world from the Nightmare'd princesses, but she couldn't defeat them on her own before, how could she defeat them now that they have the Nightmare Energy on their side, even with help?

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 2 )

Alright, please bear with me on this.

You write a good story, no doubt there, however it can stand for a good editing. Proper format can make any good story an even greater story. It makes it easier on your readers to better understand the flow of your story and not confuse them. There are a number of editing groups on FimFiction who will gladly help. Some work at different paces than others but I recommend Overly Extensive Editors for this purpose. However bear in mind that they are not a fast edit but they are very good at what they do. I say this only to help you. :pinkiehappy:

As for your story itself and your characters, I personally find the setting interesting and would like to see how far you can go with it. Your characters could stand a bit more fleshing out, but I am sure that is already in the works. Also keep a steady pacing, try not to rush into one action scene into the next. These pauses between action scenes can be some of the best character or setting development there is.

Aside from that, I will follow this and see where you go with it. I hope I did not come across as excessively critical...

Anyway.... Cheers!

3946194
Thanks for the advice! Do not fear being excessively critical, criticism is what makes writers better, trust me I know. I have taken your advice and have submitted my story to Overly Extensive Editors for editing. I will be doing my best to flesh out my characters a little more and get better at pacing. Again, any form of advice, bluntly critical to subtle advice, is encouraged.

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