Chapter 1- The Crime
"Didn't you say you were going to invite Fluttershy to join us here?" Rarity asked Princess Twilight Sparkle as she poked and prodded the pizza that lay on the plate in the middle of their table, trying to simulate the action of eating. The owner of Deep Dish's Pizza Palace, the eponymous Deep Dish, took his food and business very seriously, as evidenced by the enforcers who patrolled the restaurant's brightly-lit, primary-colored halls and rooms, searching for any and all ponies who would dare to commit pizza heresy. Of course, the only reason anypony would catch her eating the greasy cardboard that the staff refers to as "food" would be if one of those enforcers forced the stuff down her throat.
"I did," Twilight answered and took a first bite from her own slice of pizza. Judging from her resulting face, it was evident that Twilight knew why Rarity had not been eating. She forced the cheese and grease down her throat and continued. "But she stopped me as soon as I mentioned this place. Apparently she doesn't like the animatronics here." On cue, the two of them turned their heads to face the stage, where a band of mechanical ponies pretended to play music. In reality, all they did was move in swift jerks and make the audience uncomfortable with their unblinking stares with eyes much too large to fit their heads and grins with more teeth than a family of sharks.
"I can see why," Rarity shuttered and turned back to Twilight. "What about Spike?" Rarity thought that Spike would jump at the chance to spend time with her, regardless of the setting. Twilight shook her head.
"I told him you'd be here, but he didn't want come." She took a sip from her soda, the only thing either of them actually ordered. The pizza was free, which probably says a lot about its quality. "He says this place is for little kids and losers. What do you think that makes us?"
"An overly-curious princess and an unlucky older sister." From behind their table they could hear the squeals, wails, cries, and various other noises that are often associated with playing children. Nopony came to Deep Dish's Pizza Palace for the food, not even the children. Deep Dish's was home to a special zone for foals to gallivant and enjoy themselves. The majority of the restaurant was taken up by arcade machines, carnival games, and the biggest playground in all of Ponyville. Regardless of age, everyone was impressed by the size and scope of the place, and it definitely gave Rarity a few ideas for some designs.
Every foal in town had dragged their parents or guardians there to eat terrible pizza while they had fun, and Sweetie Belle was no exception. Of course, Rarity had no interest in going to such a place without any sort of time-killer. She could have brought a sketchbook and pencil, but she had recently been going through a drought of ideas and didn't expect inspiration to strike. Fortunately, Twilight Sparkle, who had heard of her plight, was curious about the place herself and offered to join Rarity; an offer she readily accepted.
"Check it out! I just beat the high score on Equestria Quest and won a ton of cotton candy!" Pinkie Pie declared through the piles of pure sugar that was likely only half of what she actually won. Pinkie was here too. Rarity wondered why she didn't see that coming. No questions were asked and no eyebrows were raised. In fact, Rarity was quite relieved when she first saw that blur of pink squeal her way down the slide as she, Sweetie, and Twilight entered the establishment, as now she had someone to keep an eye on her little sister while she and Twilight avoided the pizza. "You want any?"
A clump of cotton candy floated out of Pinkie's hooves and into Twilight's mouth. "Thanks!" she said as she magically lifted a notebook and pencil from her saddlebag and began writing. Rarity turned down Pinkie's offer and watched her scamper back to the playground and Sweetie Belle before turning her attention to Twilight.
"What's that?" she asked, pointing at the notebook.
"Hm?" Twilight looked up from her work. "Oh, these are the notes for a book I'm working on. A Traveler's Guide To Ponyville."
"You'd think there'd be plenty of those, considering how long Ponyville has been around."
"Oh, there are." Twilight set down her notebook. "I read through all of them a few weeks ago when I had a few hours to kill, but none of them are very recent. In fact, the only locations that all of the guides mention are the town hall, Sweet Apple Acres and the library. No Sugarcube Corner, no Carousel Boutique. They don't even mention the locksmith!"
Rarity raised an eyebrow. "Ponyville has a locksmith?"
"Padlock's Tumblers," Twilight nodded. "I always go to them whenever I lose the keys to any of my old locked journals. Padlock always mentions how I'm practically the only business she gets." She stopped and took another sip from her drink.
"And you want to help her drum up more business?"
"Not just her. There are a lot of businesses in Ponyville that don't get the attention they-"
"Is everypony here having a good time?" Rarity and Twilight turned to the source of the question and nearly jumped out of their skins when they saw it. Standing over them was what appeared to be one of the animatronics. Closer examination revealed it to be, in actuality, a member of the wait staff who happened to be baring an unnaturally wide grin, not unlike the machines onstage.
"We're... fine," Rarity said hesitantly. She half expected this waitress to bite her head off.
"That's good!" the waitress said through her teeth. "I was worried because you weren't eating the pizza." She pointed a hoof at the chewy triangles in the middle of the table. "Is there something wrong with them?"
"Uhm... no," Twilight started. "We're just not interested is all." On that note, Rarity noticed a few more waiters and waitresses had appeared around them from seemingly nowhere.
"But it's free!" the first waitress said. She began sweating. "If you're worried you can't pay for it-"
"No, it's okay," Rarity interrupted her. "We're not hungry." She hoped that that would get her and her little posse to leave them. She was wrong, of course.
"But... but... then why would you come here if you're not hungry?" The waitress was pouring with sweat. For a moment Rarity thought she was melting. More ponies started to crowd around them. Not all of them were wait staff. Some were from the kitchen, some were ticket takers from the arcade. There were even a few ponies who just a moment ago were eating and sitting like normal ponies. All of them were unicorns.
"We just don't want it," Twilight said, audibly and visibly getting impatient with this waitress.
"Don't.... Don't want it... Don't want it... Don't want it..." the waitress chanted. The other ponies around them started joining her, one by one. Don't want it... Don't want it... Rarity noticed a sensation of weightlessness to her person and looked down to discover that she was floating above her seat and rising quickly, as was Twilight, who few without the aid of her wings. Don't want it... Don't want it...
"Twilight, what's going on?!" Rarity asked the eponymous pony princess. Don't want it... Don't want it...
"I don't know! I can't stop it!" Twilight struggled to break free. Don't want it... Don't want it...
"Sweetie Belle! Sweetie Belle!" the porcelain white unicorn called to her little sister. Don't want it... Don't want it...
"Sweetie Belle! Pinkie Pie!" the lavender princess called out. No response. Nopony looked at them, nopony spoke of them. They were invisible. Don't want it... Don't want it... In a flash of light that would likely be blinding if anyone could see it, they were gone.
DON'T WANT IT.
Cue the theme song.
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Yesses.
You have all of mine.
4251896 Thank you kindly.
[read the description] Du fuq?
4251917 Pretty much.
4251904 *instantly favorites this story after reading chapter 1 and randomly replying to a comment*
4251933 This person knows what's going on.
I hate Chuckie Cheese
4251999 You're welcome!
The crust is delicious and should be consumed!
Except maybe at any place resembling this one and the one it is parodying. Bad pizza means you're getting a bad crust too.
*adds to read later pile... fully intends to read* I'm gonna be disappointed if you don't deliver on my high expectations for this.
4252043 If you're disappointed, I'm disappointed. I hope you enjoy it.
4252043 If you have braces, then eating the crust may hurt a bit.
This sounds awfully dark for a comedy...
On an unrelated note, after tasting my first bad crust, I revised my standards for what makes good pizza. All of the elements of a good pizza--crust, sauce, cheese and toppings--need to be of good quality and blend together well to make good pizza possible. Luckily--or maybe Someone upstairs is watching out for me--I've run into good, or at least decent, pizza more often than I have bad. /)
You know, I only went to Suck E. Grease's once, maybe twice when I was like six, and even at that age I knew the place sucked. The only positive thing I remember about that experience is that it's where I played Q*bert and Joust for the first time.
(Yeah I'm old.)
Ahem. The story...
Holy CRAP that was creepy.
You have my attention with this.
4252152 In my experience, fucking up pizza takes remarkable effort. Which is why it mystifies me every time I watch a Kitchen Nightmares episode with an Italian place or pizzeria that keeps customers waiting over an hour for a doughy, undercooked pizza. And why I don't understand the horrible pizza Suck E Greases craps out.
Truly epic pizza is a rare find, but good to better-than-average pizza is easier to find than forgettable pizza. Hell, a lot of the best pizzas I've ever eaten have come out of a supermarket freezer.
The crap Chuck E Cheese's and its ilk serves isn't pizza. It's something unholy. I'd rather eat a couple of Totino's party pizzas (those incredibly small, cheap frozen pizzas that don't even have real cheese) than be forced to eat one SLICE of Up-Chuck E Cheese Pizza.
Unrelated aside: I haven't had deep dish pizza in forever, and I need to rectify that in the near future. And I don't give a shit what some uptight butt-tard says, deep dish pizza IS pizza.
OK, random pizza rant over.
4251904
you may thank me with nipple cream
Hmmm... an interesting start.
It reminded me of Invader Zim's Bloaty's Pizza Hog a lot.
Which is good
4253024 I guess some restaurants are more open to over-the-top parody than others. Thanks.
4252629 I just write what I feel is right, and an army of grinning lunatics teleporting Rarity and Twilight into the bowels of a shallow parody of an infamous family restaurant feels right.
Does that make me a sadist?
4252152 Sometimes I get concepts mixed up.
Wow does the waiters can't take an opinion. This is starting to take a turn for the worst for them. I'll keep an eye on this to see where it goes.
4254069 Thanks.