After a few days of Pinkie Pie having the same nightmare over and over again, the CMC accidentally unleash demons that were sealed in a book lead by the fearsome Mareaxe. Fortunately, Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy are able to help Pinkie Pie when finding out what is going on. Can they help Pinkie Pie break her fear of demons or will Equestria turn into a hell on Earth?
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But... Pinkie doesn't fear demons, ghostlies or any evil entity. She'd probably just giggle it away without incident like she usually does.
350161
The reason why Pinkie was able to laugh at the trees in episode two of season one it that the trees didn't do anything. Also, she will laugh at the ghosties in a haunted house at a theme park because they are non-threatening.
These ghosties in the story are actually trying to harm her and her friends. If it's ghosts that are actually trying to kill her, yeah she would be scared. Besides, there is something in the background story that will come later that will explain her fear.
351009 Yep, I suppose.
351009
Makes sense. Lets see where this one goes!
Quick note: The demons became "dormant", not "dominant". Dominant sounds like they took complete control, while dormant means that they were sort of just there but not doing anything, which I think is what you meant.
357368
I didn't catch that error until you said something.
Thanks for telling me. I meant dormant.
No problem. I'm trying to get into proof/pre reading, so if you want, just send me a PM and I can help out.
Speaking of which, I just mentioned that error because of the fact that it made no sense in the story like that, I can help out with any most grammatical and spelling errors
I dunno... this story just isn't flowing as well as I would have hoped when I first started reading it. There's not that many issues in terms of grammar/spelling, but the characterization and speech just isn't flowing right...
367780
It is just switching scenes between Pinkie and the other CMC.
But after you said something I should improve on flow.
Problem: I don't know how to improve flow.
368975 I'd give this article a read. Seems to me for the most part your problem is using the most basic words for something and over-use of full stops. It feels choppy, like the story's always starting and stopping, especially when there are such closely related concepts in the separate sentences. As for the dialogue specifically, the main thing I've noticed there is that it tends to sound a bit detached/unemotional, and everyone sounds kind of the same...they don't have their own unique voice. That especially I'd recommend you read aloud and really ask yourself if you can imagine that character using those words or not.
Couple other minor things. Within quotation marks a period is replaced by a comma if the sentence continues afterwards (i.e. when you have so-and-so said afterwards you use a comma, because their sentence ends but yours doesn't). It'd also be much better to have an extra line break or even use, say, a line of dashes when you have a perspective change, to make that easier to follow.
Other than these issues and something of a lack of detail ("Pinkie knew this was demonic possession because of the demonic aura surrounding them." This aura, is it something visible, or just something Pinkie senses/feels, and how does it look/feel? That much information and no more is interesting, but unsatisfyingly vague), I'm very much enjoying this so far. "So far" being up to the end of chapter two, I haven't finished reading yet.
Anyway, I dig the combination of horror and humor. The plot is awesome. I can't wait to find out what the heck is up with Pinkie's past. Spelling and grammar are pretty darned solid. So just work on ironing out those issues, and otherwise keep up the good work. 