The Real Steel
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This story to me looks
like its going to be dry as fruit cake
and as "Run Of The Mill" as.. Well, a mill.
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
I'm intrigued. Seem's like gonna be interesting.
Well, for a first time fic its rather good. No real grammar issues, or spelling mistakes. But, it is kind of short, very little detail,and the pacing is too quick. Try describing the scenes more, let the readers know where they are, paint a picture for them! Simply saying the characters are in Sugarcube corner isn't good enough, try adding some detail.
As I said, the pacing is too quick. Slow things down a bit, and give the readers time to get used to the characters. Simply jumping straight into the story will leave people lost.
Other then that, I give you a thumbs up and encourage you to keep going! You've passed all the problems that first fics usually have, so you're off to a great start!
344130>Thank you very much for the heads up I will definitely keep that in mind.
344126 Well i plan on continuing this everyday, whether or not i will release a new chapter daily is yet to be seen.
344124 Thank you for being honest but i can assure there will be some attempted surprise before all is said and done.
344197
Eh.
I might come back later for a peek.
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
344206Ha well that's all i ask is for a chance.
Love It! Can't Wait for more Chapters!
I like it. Could use a little more fleshing out in Rainbow Dash's first interactions with Blaze. The dialogue seemed to end a little too quickly.
But some say I write a little too much detail, so take that with a grain of salt.
344301 Everyponies comments are not only accepted, but encouraged and i appreciate your honesty on my story.
Message to everyone who is interested in this story Chapter 2 should be out soon, I will try to be a lot more thorough with this chapter so bear with me as I'm still learning.
Well, you said not to hold back, so here it is.
Stylistically, this fic is terrible. Redundancy hangs about in every word you wrote. You also have a jackton of storytelling boo/boos.
Grammatically, this leaves something to be desired. Does anyone ever ask for prereaders anymore? I had a hard time reading this when I wasn't vomiting at your characters.
Your characters are dull and mere hand puppets. They don't seem real to me and only serve to be whatever adjective you want them to be (e.g. "cool").
Your plot is nonexistent and doesn't hook the me at all. Everything is so cliché, so boring, and you're completely unapologetic.
Your pacing is terrible. You constantly rush scenes.
This is nothing more than the same trite garbage that makes it onto the site day in and day out. No points for you. 0/5.
If you're so inclined, I can edit this for you.
344460 well that was pretty brutal, but hey i said be honest and that,s what you did, like i said this is my first fan fic ever so yeah, things will either get better or they wont, but either way i will keep you in mind if i get a proof reader.
344460Also I wanted to see how people would react to the basis of the story before I got into it too much.
To everyone who read this story yesterday I have made a few adjustments and chapter 2 will be out soon.
344463
I highly suggest getting a pre-reader at some point. They're great, as they usually catch a lot of mistakes that you miss. There are plenty of people on this site willing to pre-reader, hell there's a whole group dedicated to them!
346218 I would love to get a pre-reader and I will as soon as I finish chapter 2 which is almost complete (working on it as we speak).
Nicely done so far.
347417 Thank you good sir. I'm out of inspiration right now so it might be a few days before i get done with chapter 3.
(Requested Opinion)
Well it seems like your vocabulary is decent. However, poor sentence structure is one of the first things a reader will notice, which can result in your audience simply giving up on pursuing the story. A good way to prevent this is after writing a paragraph, re-read it, say it aloud to yourself if you have to. Make sure that it not only sounds right, but also would be considered suitable whether you are describing a pony, a quote or a setting.
Next: description. As a writer your job is to delve your readers into the minds of the characters and the settings around them. To do this you need to paint a metaphorical picture. Consider taking a little more time in not only describing characters, but settings as well. The reader needs to know what's going on in a neat flow, not choppy utterances. How did this character get from point A to point B? Things like that. One last thing I noticed: these are ponies, not people. Even small things like saying "hand" instead of "hoof" can throw a reader off. There are a lot of crossover fics out there, and you wouldn't want your audience to be confused.
I write this not merely to complain, but to provide advise for your future works. I hope this will help you.
349326Thanks it means a lot and I will work on my writing style and try to get better.
Hopefully I get better but there's always a chance i don't.
Eh whatever I enjoy doing this and I'll have as much fun as I can.
349357 If you enjoy something then by all means, pursue it. Follow the words of differing advice and create your own writing style. Build from criticism and practice. Painting a picture for a reader to be able to easily delve into isn't easy at first. But after a while the criticism starts to minimize and your ideas will start to flourish into appreciated works of art.
349368Thanks man I appreciate it so far if you had to give it an overall score what would it be?
And I know the first chapter was atrociously bad.
349376 Ahhhhh.....I'm bad at that. For now I'm at a 3/10. While this may be a negative score, I have given you extensive advice for a reason. Because there's potential here. I don't like to waste my time on things that obviously aren't going anywhere, fortunately this isn't the case here. Keep trying, it's there.
349385 3/10?! *gasps* You sir are a bastard.
Lol just kidding that's actually a lot better than i expected for my first fan fiction so that's actually really encouraging to hear.
I'm Currently wrestling with ideas in my head for chapter 3, I have the premise of the chapter now I just need a place to start.
A suggestion for chapter 3:
How about she confronts blaze as he's going to a secret place and is carrying something he wants to keep secret also? (would be a great point to start with more sad background stuff, like going to a cemetery with a treasured object once given to him by his beloved? and is now returning it to remain along with pieces of his heart, forever with her?
Use if you want, just an idea.
350751That is a wonderful idea and you have it right with chapter 3 being where things pick up.
But right now i have no inspiration
350805 Thanks, and sorry I couldn't be more help.
350858 You were actually a great help.
You showed me that there are people who like my story and that it is worth continuing.
So thank you good sir.
Er when did she become a wonder-bolt
366042 Well now you'll just have to read the third chapter won't you?
Your getting better with each chapter. Keep at it.
381890 Wow you think so?
Thanks man I appreciate it.
This story is just coming naturally to me so I hope I continue to improve and impress.
the mafia in equestria? ME GUESTA moar please
383866 You want moar?
What a coincidence, so do I.
Chapter 4 is in the works if my brain ever decides to stop being a B#@&*.
Know that all who follow my story are the reason I continue and that I appreciate everyponies support.
You guys rule.
DEVILBLADE out.
Chapter 4 is being remade.
- Seems to be really could. You could use a few more detailed words, and focus not only on their dialect but also the thoughts. Yet the story is really good. I definitally like it, and will keep on reading it. Good luck with the story
426302As I said chapter 4 is in the process of being remade, and I am trying to work out the kinks in my style and find what works for me.
Chapter 4 should be out again soon, as long as I don't get distracted.
Thanks for the feedback.
426322
Np! & hey i should have up to 8 chapters (hopefully) by the end of today. If you want i'll add a link to ur story in mine, if you wouldnt mind doing me the same.
426337 Yeah go right ahead, and I'll do the same.
426341
ok just gotta do chapter 6 then.
426415 Posted the link to your story in mine.
Great chapter! I like where this is heading!
442019 Thanks for the comment and sorry for the late reply, and since you seem to care chapter 5 should be in the works soon.
As should my new story The Pursuit of Pride.
I'll keep everypony posted.
You should definitely finish this story. It has interested me.
Alright, alright. Getting better but it looks like we have some new things to cover. However, this is a good thing! Better to find them now than later. Chapter Three specifically seemed to have a ton of POV switches. While it is good to show both perspectives of the story, POV switches are something to be planned out ahead of time, especially when they tie together like this. You have an intricate story in mind, so it's good to portray it in a detailed manner. Cut down the number of POV's and plan them out. It seems like a lot of work but in reality it's not at all. Take a second to think about them.
Chapters Three and Four...Sentence structure. In descriptions and in dialogue, punctuation is something to work on. As I've said before, read your sentences back to yourself and decide where those commas need to be. It seems like a small issue, but when a viewer reads a sentence they are subconsciously pausing at that comma to try and imagine how the character is speaking. The dialogue needs to be separated in this way, not in long, non-stop sentences.
Despite these factors, the idea is unique and interesting. Well to me anyway, for I don't generally read too many other fics anymore. What I find great about you as a writer is that you're completely open to this constructive criticism, and you actually build off of it instead of merely saying that you will. For a new writer, that is the strongest tool you can have.
482224 Wow, I uh.
Huh.
I'm pretty happy to hear that you like the story and I will try to work on my punctuation and POV switches in the future.
Right now the only things I have in my way are show vs tell, too much POV switching as you have pointed out, and I need to work on my pace and sentence structure.
Thanks for taking the time to read it and I will appreciate your continued assistance in helping me get better and that goes for anyone who reads my stories as well.
Thank you kindly Divebomb.
482233 No prob. I'll check in every now and then to help.
I must say, this is quite an interesting read.I especially like the idea of an underworld in Equestria. Every place has it's seedier,more brutal side to it, and Equestria is no exception. I've notice some slight grammatical and spelling errors but they are not huge errors. You just got your story tracked!
499375 A favorite from someone with a sexy username like Fishnchipz18?!
By Celestia's beard!
Thank you for the track my good sir and chapter 5 should be out soon.