I am Oculus, welcome to my page! I enjoy HiE fics and TF/TG fics :D Enjoy your stay!
This is a story about a young man who, when he was killed, got sent to the land of Equestria to fight off a rising evil. But there's a problem: all of the ponies are scared of him.
Changed the idea, no vampire. Sorry.
Proofread by: Emerald Ray
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Let's start with the negatives.
1. You're starting scenario made little sense. One a teenager has the symptoms you've described, they would assume it's the plague, not that he's a witch.
2. You had a very unclear transition from 1700's to 2000's, I think. You said 20th century, which is the 1900's, but the way he's speaking I would assume he knows it's the 21st century.
Positives:
1. Good job with the spelling and grammar, lot's of people mess up on that.
2. I liked the first person point of view, although I suppose that something of personal opinion and can't count towards overall score.
3. You caught my interest enough that I'd be willing to read the next chapter.
I agree with the above guy. You really need to explain the time jump more clearly. Is he a vampire? Is he constantly being reborn? How does this work? There are so many questions that you've left unanswered. Personally, I'd suggest expanding this chapter before actually posting a new one. The first chapter you currently have is too muddling and vague for the reader to attain a clear grasp of the story. You should fix that. However, it does seem promising.
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Thanks for the reviews :D I'll work on editing this chapter some before I post the next one but don't worry, more details will be explained by the fifth chapter at the latest.
WHAT TIME PERIOD IS HE FROM HE TALKS ABOUT TVS AND THE 1700 WHAT TIME PERIOD??
Is he still a vampire? Is his last name Meyers or Myers? Why was he summoned to Equestria if Celestia acknowledges humans in general as dangerous? Why was Frederick not reborn on his way over? You should heavily consider answering these questions in the next chapter. I also recommend that you acquire a proofreader and/or editor. Other than that, this isn't too shabby.
NOTE: If you had used OCs or background ponies as the main source of interaction for your character, it would make your scenario much more believable. Trust me on this! Working with multiple characters, especially when those characters already have a set personality and background, is hard to do properly when one is a novice author. You may want to edit out the Mane 6 to avoid confusion, mismanagement of interactions, and criticisms about you writing them Out Of Character. I'd also get someone to hash out a believable explanation for all the circumstances that comprise the premise of your story, in case you don't have an explanation or have doubts about an explanation you came up with yourself.
3807789 In the first chapter it says he's from the 21st century.
3810742 I've been wanting a proofreader/editor. Would you happen to know where I can get one?
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Ask around for one. PM other authors, make blog posts, ask around in comment sections, etc. I'm also pretty sure that there are groups devoted to providing such services on this site. If you ask, you'll probably get some offers or get an idea of who you SHOULD be asking.
What happened to the third chapter?
This looks like a promising story, but I feel like your rushing it. If your going to have him recall past events you're going to need to give him a little more back story. EX. Did he always know he was a vampire before his "father" told him? Did he learn any of his powers? What did he do in the army? Was he good at it? Things like this will help people become more invested in your character.
Looking forward to how this story turns out!
3863035 I'm still writing it. When I write my stories I write it on the site. I haven't pushed publish yet but watch out for it soon.
3866657 Thanks for the feedback :D I might be re-writing the story soon but if I do then most of the details will remain the same. Watch out for updates soon
Meow
3930723 Meow
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Seems legit.
For that. You get a fav. :3
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This is going to be interesting