Chapter 2: Screaming in Death's Face
"Mother humper..." I jumped off the strange beast and ran back a few feet before turning around and pulling my M16 out. I aimed where the beast was only to see that it had vanished. I did a quick 360 to make sure it hadn't snuck up on me and sighed. Imagination must be getting the best of me... I was about to put my gun away when I heard a low growl behind me. Before I could even turn to defend myself I felt pain shoot through my right calf and right side, barely above my hip. I cried out in pain before smashing the bottom of my gun against the attacker's face, making them let go and back away. "You want to dance? LET'S DANCE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, letting a barrage of bullets stream from the barrel of my gun, obliterating the wolf and catching it on fire. "Incendiary rounds, that was a surprise." I groaned and fell down to my good knee. Upon observation it seemed like the bite mark had barely missed my internal organs and the scratch was fairly deep, but I could still limp.
After searching my bag for the med-kit I had forgotten to pack I groaned and sat down on a rock, making sure this one wasn't an animal this time. I poured half of my water on my two wounds, wincing as I did so. Then I removed my shirt and ripped it into long strips before wrapping them around my lower torso and right calf. I began to limp in a random direction. After hours of wandering aimlessly I saw a small bit of light up ahead. I thanked God and limped as fast as I could towards the exit. Once I got outside I had to shield my eyes from the blinding sun. Once my eyes had readjusted I noticed a small cottage on the other side of a stream and a bridge that lead to it. Once I had slowly hobbled my way to the bridge, I began to feel lightheaded so I used the low banister as support. When I got to the other side my bad leg had given out and I fell, landing on my arm.
Simon says CRUNCH!
I screamed out in pain as I felt, and heard, a sickening crunch come from my right shoulder. I sat up and leaned against the bridge walls, trying to remain conscious. It took me a few tries but after a minute I realigned my shoulder with another sickening crunch and a cry of pain. I looked over at my bag and decided to rummage through the pockets to see if there was anything in there I hadn't known about. There was nothing but a little lint in the first five pockets but in the last one there was a single Tylenol pill. I popped it in my mouth and took a swig of water to down the pill. After I swallowed my vision immediately became blurry. I kept trying to stay awake but I was slipping into the darkness. With the last of my energy I yelled out at the top of my lungs.
"Friendly down! Help!" Thud...Darkness...
Although I was awake and I could hear soft voices I was unable to feel anything, nor could I move. "...just can't understand it, I've read and reread all the books I have and the ones at the old castle, it doesn't appear in anything!" I could hear the annoyance in her voice as the female approached. It sounded almost as if she and five other people were riding on silenced horses. "I know it doesn't make sense but maybe when he wakes up you can ask him some questions, if he feels like it that is." This time I heard a softer voice. She spoke almost as if she didn't want to be heard. There were four other voices that seemed to be having a quiet discussion amongst themselves, sadly they were too far for me to understand anything they said. I could have sworn I've heard these voices before... I thought to myself.
"Well whatever he is we need to make sure he isn't dangerous before we do anything. I'm going to un paralyze him so be ready girls, we don't know what to expect." I felt a tingle run down from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, it was feeling more intense in my spine area. So this woman that acts like she's never seen another human being in her life has the ability to paralyze people? Well that would be helpful in the military.
Once my body regained feeling I went stiff. Pain erupted through my skull, side, and calf. It was taking all of my energy not to scream right then and there. The medicine I had taken earlier wasn't helping at all so I assumed I had been unconscious for longer than 24 hours. Slowly I attempted to relax and slowly let out the breath I didn't know I had been holding. Taking a few more deep breaths I calmed myself down to a tolerable level and tried to open my eyes, only to find they had been caked shut with dried rheum. Until now I hadn't realized the whispering had stopped and I could practically feel the stangers' eyes burning through me.
"Um, good morning, how are you feeling?" That soft voice from earlier began to speak up again, I could hear a motherly tone in her voice. I mumbled something unintelligible, clenching my teeth together. "Mumble Fumble!" I high pitched voice screeched from the back of the room. I moved my hands up to my eyes and rubbed the offending gunk from my eyes before repeating myself. "I said I feel like a pile of manure." The room went silent for a moment before that same tingling feeling returned, but this time it felt like it had heat behind it. Not enough heat to hurt me but enough to feel like drinking hot coco on a cold winter night. "Sorry about that, is this better?" The first voice I heard asked, I could hear the slightest nasaliness to it. I nodded slowly, slowly opening my eyes to look around.
I think my brain broke because for the longest time I sat there with eyes wider than a baseball and mouth hanging open.
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WHAT TIME PERIOD IS HE FROM HE TALKS ABOUT TVS AND THE 1700 WHAT TIME PERIOD??
Is he still a vampire? Is his last name Meyers or Myers? Why was he summoned to Equestria if Celestia acknowledges humans in general as dangerous? Why was Frederick not reborn on his way over? You should heavily consider answering these questions in the next chapter. I also recommend that you acquire a proofreader and/or editor. Other than that, this isn't too shabby.
NOTE: If you had used OCs or background ponies as the main source of interaction for your character, it would make your scenario much more believable. Trust me on this! Working with multiple characters, especially when those characters already have a set personality and background, is hard to do properly when one is a novice author. You may want to edit out the Mane 6 to avoid confusion, mismanagement of interactions, and criticisms about you writing them Out Of Character. I'd also get someone to hash out a believable explanation for all the circumstances that comprise the premise of your story, in case you don't have an explanation or have doubts about an explanation you came up with yourself.
3807789 In the first chapter it says he's from the 21st century.
3810742 I've been wanting a proofreader/editor. Would you happen to know where I can get one?
3814240
Ask around for one. PM other authors, make blog posts, ask around in comment sections, etc. I'm also pretty sure that there are groups devoted to providing such services on this site. If you ask, you'll probably get some offers or get an idea of who you SHOULD be asking.
What happened to the third chapter?
This looks like a promising story, but I feel like your rushing it. If your going to have him recall past events you're going to need to give him a little more back story. EX. Did he always know he was a vampire before his "father" told him? Did he learn any of his powers? What did he do in the army? Was he good at it? Things like this will help people become more invested in your character.
Looking forward to how this story turns out!
3863035 I'm still writing it. When I write my stories I write it on the site. I haven't pushed publish yet but watch out for it soon.
3866657 Thanks for the feedback :D I might be re-writing the story soon but if I do then most of the details will remain the same. Watch out for updates soon