Another perfect chapter, can't wait for the next one

As far as clop-fics go, this one is pretty good.

YOU HAVE MY APPROVAL.

Do write more.

This is surprisingly addicting... I want moar.

ionic architecture.

You used this in the first chapter as well. I'm pretty sure we're not talking about chemical bonds, so I believe the word you're intending is 'iconic'.

we don’t have a baculum, either,

Neither do stallions.

Your editing gets pretty spotty from right around the beginning of the sensual scene through the end. There are a lot of typos--missing words, incorrect words, misspellings, and the like--that could be caught with an extra pass over that section.

Dear Celestia! please move that discussion about STIs to before the sensual scene starts. That takes a tactical nuke to the sexual tension you've built up through foreplay and if a partner of mine brought up something like that right before penetration it'd just be a situation of put your pants back on because the moment is gone.

Once again this sensual scene really suffers from a lack of detail, tactile sensation, and emotion. If this story is an attempt by you to improve your ability with these scenes, I'd suggest spending a bit more time embellishing them and would recommend something like The Erotic Thesaurus to help you with keeping the descriptions varied. If, on the other hand, you're not attempting to improve your ability with those scenes I'd actually suggest that they be left out entirely in favor of just using scene transitions and focusing on the other parts of the story. You have a good talent with pacing and banter but at their current level, your sensual scenes actually hinder more than they help. If your goal is to improve them, you certainly show enough skill in other areas that I think you can do that if you put in the effort, and I'd be glad to offer help & advice where I can; if that's not your goal though you might just be better served dropping the scenes and moving the story to a teen rating.

3938571

You used this in the first chapter as well. I'm pretty sure we're not talking about chemical bonds, so I believe the word you're intending is 'iconic'.

Nope, I meant Ionic, as in architecture of the Ionic order.

I was intentionally glassing over the sex in these chapters. I probably should have fleshed them out a bit more, at least with Sky. Ruby was business, so I wanted to make it feel a bit like business. Unfortunately I didn't break out of that for Sky's scene (which was actually written after Ruby's). I may go back and redo Sky's.

Thank you for your comments. It's thoughtful comments like this, that help me improve.

3939262
Since the first sentence in that article calls it the Iconic Order, I'm still gonna call that a win.

If your plan was to make Ruby feel more like business that's fine, although in that case you absolutely want to improve on Sky's scene so that there's a disparity in the level of emotion and feeling between the two. Also, once again I feel I must emphasize:
Please move that STI discussion to before they start getting into things...

Thank you ever so much for focusing more on story than on Clop. Far too many fanfics these days, regardless of what characters are involved turn to crap in terms of story once the sexual interaction starts. It may be too early to say it given how far behind I am, but it still feels right to still say it.
I do hope at some point that he fixes his machine.

i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/116/260/8a6c7853-1ee1-41da-a344-3d8f50ca97df.jpg

Yeah fundoshi!

“So... how so we start this?”

“So... how do we start this?”

walls clenche almost

walls clenched almost

“Welcome to the House of the Rising Sun,”

Why do I have the feeling that by that title, Shane will be seeing a certain two suns rising up in front of him?

In just four chapters we have...
quickmeme.com/img/41/4174eac228b28b333e164d043f4fe1a96492d947d89fafa856c0993354604984.jpg

4593117
that's not the only thing that will be rising.

This story intrests me... More than clopfics normally do

ment = meant

Fundoshi[youtube=https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=FLnZleOiEkHykBDP8-rpHhng&v=VoOW1Vvl2oU]

“Alright, can’t go wrong with a back rub, so tuck your legs under,” I sad.

I sad too

I reached back and tugged on a handful of main at the back of her neck;

Mane.