4: No Smoking in the Library
Celestia slowly massages her temples as she listens to the global representatives bicker. At least she can relax a bit since Summit is held in the Royal Garden. The blooming flowers can relax anypony, which is the main reason it’s held there in the first place.
I doubt the characters here will be important but I’ll see whom I can describe for you.
“Well, how do you account for the amount of threats that Equestria produces? How can the Griffins be assured that the renewal of this treaty is best, if you continually make power-hungry monsters?” the intimidatingly large griffin questions, mostly towards Celestia’s Pegasus General, Storm Breeze.
“We’ve always dealt with those problems in a quick and efficient manner,” Storm Breeze retorts, trying to bring down the hardheaded griffin.
“Yes, of course, quick and efficient,” the draconian representative adds. “Did Discord not last 3 days ruling the home of your precious Elements of Harmony? Did he not use Ponyville as a hub for chaos around the whole of…”
“You were barely affected by that,” interrupts a unicorn from one of the highest family houses. “If you do not want us to continue protecting you under the treaty, we could let you handle the next ‘threat,’ as commander Hilda here so elegantly put it.”
“Yes, Celestia runs a fine domain,” a crystal pony states. “She helped us go against Sombra when we were too afraid to even try to remember.”
Now all start arguing over each other (well except Celestia and the crystal pony). Shouting about Discord and Sombra and rumors that Celestia is hogging the sun for her queendom.
“ENOUGH!” Celestia Royal Canterlot invoices. “It is not up to us to demand that Hilda of Griffonia and Grimoire of Ashland reinstate the treaty every year. This is but a formality to ensure both parties want to extend to benefits shared through alliance. If they want to leave the alliance, it does not necessarily mean war; it merely entails a separation.”
“Um, Princess,” a quiet earth pony sitting across from Celestia in the Summit Council barely says, “is the library supposed to be smoking?”
Everypony looks behind the Monarch of the Day and sees that the library was indeed on fire.
Earlier.
Solar Nuul nearly completes the (not-so-secret) secret potion.
“Now just a bit more Amomum Zingiber,” Sol says to himself while adding ginger to the green beaker thus turning it more to a yellow hue.
“I already added the Powdered Moonstone Luna gave me and I added Vitamin M and F ages ago,” Sol thinks aloud.
“Now where did I put that Jobberknoll feather,” Sol ponders as he looks through the suitcase that he uses to store his potions.
“If I had the Jobberknoll feather, I could easily make a potion to help me remember where I put the darn thing.”
“Ah, there it is,” Sol exclaims, putting the Jobberknoll feather near the base of the beaker, in other words, inside the flames of the Bunsen burner.
“Perfect crispfection,” he says adding some of the ash to the near-bubbling beaker. The ashes turn the chemicals to turn into a sunburnt orange.
“Now for the final ingredient. After weeks of making this thing, I will finally be done with it.”
He holds the test tube filled with red fluid in his magic. “Some juice from Punica Granatum for strength.”
The pomegranate blends with the orange concoction. The red, however, overpowers the blend and starts to bubble furiously.
“I should have left the seeds in,” Sol says already accepting his permanent fate.
He was almost certain that the furious bubbling meant an explosion, but it was seemingly bidding its time. The bubbling continues for some time but then the liquid calms down and its color changes into the light shade of sky purple of when it snows during a full moon.
“That’s not right! It should be pink, not purple!”
The beaker must’ve heard him because, out of spite, its color rapidly changes to black-sky-with-no-moon…oh yeah and it explodes.
Bitter Sweet is expertly making donuts for Donut Joe. She has her magic working for her in an assembly line.
Part of her magic mixes all the ingredients, other parts are kneading the dough, more are getting the dough that has risen and separating it into donut shapes, and a fourth part of her magic is used to take the donuts and fry them. She uses her hooves only to flip the donuts and apply the glaze, which is impressive considering she has to clap her hoofs every other second to get a continuous flow of magic.
She is making good time, too, until as shiver runs up her spine and everything drops from lack of concentration. Luckily, she didn’t sneeze from the flour in the now in the air. If she did, it would cause more chaos on top of the mess she would need to clean up.
Wait, it is not cold in here, and when I shiver it is usually from cold or…
“Sol is in trouble!” Bitter Sweet exclaims running out of the donut shop.
“It would be funny if I had to rescue him from some changelings again,” Bitty giggles as she exits Joe’s shop to see if the castle was being invaded again.
“No,” she reprimands herself. “It is not time to make jokes, this could be serious.”
And it’s obviously serious since there is smoke coming from the castle.
“I can't really tell what room that is,” Bitty says squinting her eyes, being careful not to completely close them, “but I would bet anything to say that Sol is the cause of it.”
“I’m not going to bet against you, if you are looking for bidders,” Donut Joe says appearing behind Bitty.
“Where did you come from?” Bitter Sweet says out of habit but not truly surprised of Donut Joe’s sneaky spy powers.
“I’m done with my errands, you can go save your brother.”
“I’ll get right to that,” Bitty says raising her forehooves above her head.
“You might want to stand back, I’m going to need to teleport and Celestia knows I’m not good at that,” she tells Joe whist standing on her back hooves.
She somehow remembered that he is in the library making that potion…She also instantly noticed that if she flies there, it might be too late.
She stomps her front hooves on the ground after Joe goes into his shop. Cracks appear around her similar to when we saw Sol turn into a Pegasus, but the cracks are a light orange instead of light yellow like Sol’s magic. Soon Bitter Sweet enters the sub-dimension between the three spacial dimensions.
The black nothingness of the null-space devours the reality around her. She always hated how cold the space is, but she does like the silence. It always reminds her of the lazy mornings watching the sun rise. The bone-numbing cold seeps into her wings and legs, because null-space is not exactly like the sunrise. There was no sound except the beating of her heart, not even the small noises that seem to be in the air even when it was silent. This was just pure silence…and cold.
Then, in a rush of heat and sound and light, reality returns.
When she opened her eyes from the blinding light, she remembered she isn’t supposed to close her eyes. She looks around the smoking library to see what chaos she made happen this time.
Nothing seems out of the ordinary other than Sol with a yellow shield trying to put the fire out with his ineffective non-physical magic. If only he paid more attention to his elemental magic teachers. SMH.
Bitter Sweet knows just what to do. A water spell would be most effective, however libraries and water don’t really mix, so she quickly runs to open a window.
“Bitty! Help put this fire out,” Sol begs.
“This is why you need to pay more respect to the elements,” Bitty condescends.
Bitty stomps on the floor next to the window and a golden sigil appears under her hoof. She then takes the runes out of the sigil and starts tossing them around the room.
Sol opens his mouth to ask what she is doing. It is not everyone that takes runes out of a sigil. Usually someone makes runes to put into sigils. But just as he is about to say something, she stomps on the now empty sigil and isolated wind gusts from the runes all around the room snuff out the flames.
“That was very impressive, sis,” Sol remarks.
“Thanks,” Bitter Sweet blushes. “I’ve been perfecting my wind signs recently.”
“If it wasn’t for you,” Sol says his eyes getting as wide as a baby dragon saved from Timberwolves by a orange earth pony, “I would have continued trying to smother the fire with the shield spell.”
“Yeah I’m not going to bother telling you that was not effective,” Bitty states shaking her head.
Suddenly a wild platoon of golden armor enters the room.
“Who goes there‽” asks the middle guard who is also a unicorn.
Silence.
“It seems like the perpetrators have vacated the premises,” the earth pony guard states.
“Then who put the fire out?” the pegasus guard queries.
“The window is open,” middle guard reasons. “The wind must have knocked the fire out.”
“Shouldn’t we search the room?” questions the earth pony.
Instead of responding, the three split up and start combing the room for anypony left straggling about. Or perhaps survivors of the fire. You can't tell the motives of these guards sometimes.
A flash of white discordant magic turns Sweet Apple Acres into a skating rink.
“Discord!” Fluttershy yells bull air coming out of her nostrils. “That's not fixing it! Why, I oughta...”
But before she can finish she slips pass Discord on the ice.
“Where are you going?” Discord asks nonchalantly. “What's wrong, pal?”
“Don't call me your pal!”
“Oh, pfft,” says the lord of chaos wrapping around Fluttershy and magicking a set of skates, “come skating with me, and we'll let bygones be bygones.”
Baby Spike gracefully skates over to Fluttershy with the element of harmony.
“Here you go, Fluttershy! Game on!”
“He fixes this or he goes back to being stone!” Twilight says from the safety of solid ground. “Princess Celestia will understand!”
In the 6 seconds it takes Fluttershy to make up her mind, she looks back and forth between the ice skates and the helement.
“I made a promise not to use my element against him, and I'm going to keep it.” She says taking the ice skates in her mouth.
The mane 5, still on solid land, gasp and groan at the stubbornness of their yellow friend.
“Hahah! You see?” Discord says appearing above Fluttershy. “She wants to have fun with me because we're friends. She can't use the elements against me because we're friends.”
“I'm free forever!” he laughs.
Fluttershy growls like the bear that she takes care of.
“Not…Your…Friend!” she yells throwing the set of skates onto the ice and walking away.
“Who cares?” Discord remarks. “I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.”
“I'm Discord, the master of chaos!” he says appearing next to the ambulating pegasus. “You think you can boss Discord around? You think I'm just going to turn all this back because you say so? Because if I don't, I'll lose the one friend I ever had?”
The word friend makes Discord have a sudden realization of the friendship he would be losing if he were to make Fluttershy mad. The words dug deeper when he saw the set of lonely skates on the ice.
“Oh. Well played, Fluttershy. Well played.” Discord says turning everything back to the way it was by closing his eyes and joining his hands, instead of the regular snap of the fingers that he does.
“I liked it better my way, but...” Discord admits, realizing the words he must say. “I guess when you're friends, you can't always have things exactly your way all the time?”
Under the cover of a modified camouflage spell, two chaos twins hide.
“Thank Sol,” Bitty whispers.
“No problem,” Sol responds, “Can't let the guards find the pony that saved my life.”
“How did you make this invisibility cloak so quickly?” inquires Bitty.
“I don’t want to bog you down into the delicacies of turning my shield spell into a camouflage spell and then into an invisibity spell.”
“Riiight, don’t do that.”
“Who goes there‽” the pegasus guard asks towards an empty space in the library.
“Did you find someone?” the earth pony guard asks walking around one of the charred bookshelf.
“I thought I heard some talking over here,” the pegasus answers.
“What is with the conversing?” the unicorn reprimands. “You cannot expect me to allow you two rookies to bring me down.”
“No sir,” both non-unicorn guards salute.
“Are you sure you heard someone speaking?” the unicorn asks the pegasus.
“Pegasus have very good hearing,” the guard responds. “We need to be able to talk to each other in the clouds don’t we.”
“So, that means the culprits have magic,” the unicorn reasons.
The earth pony scoff. “Leave it to some unicorns to burn down the library.”
The unicorn gives the earth pony guard a stare of a million icicle daggers, and his horn starts to turn azure with his magic.
“Hey,” the earth pony says starting to step back, “I didn’t mean anything by it.”
With that, the room turns blue with a cascade of magic.
When everything is visible again, everything looks different. The bookcases are floating, some books are disappearing and reappearing, and the guards are now walking on the roof.
“What did you do?” The earth pony asks dumfounded.
“I didn’t do anything,” the unicorn responds, “I just used the element of surprise to knock out any visual spells in the area. Either the bookcases were always like this or somepony did this in response to knocking out their camouflage.”
“Looks like I found them,” the pegasus says pointing up to the floor at two ponies trying to leave out the library door.
“Halt!” the earth pony guard shouts.
The twin chaos ponies freeze in place.
“Did you do this?” the unicorn questions.
“It was more your fault than ours,” Bitty responds still stuck on the spot.
“Yeah you made her blink,” Sol adds.
“What does have to do with anything?” the pegasus asks flying towards the frozen earth pony and pegasus.
“If you could un-halt us, we could show you,” Bitter Sweet responds.
“Oh Kay? You can un-halt now?” the earth pony commands from up-down there.
The two ponies un-freeze.
“Thanks,” Sol says. “Now lets get you two down from up there.”
With that, Sol taps the wall next to the door, countering the chaotic magic that Bitty accidently used when the unicorn knocked out the invisibility spell and made her blink.
The books stop popping in and out of existence, the shelves go back to their proper order and the guards not already on the floor float down.
“Earth ponies can do magic!” the earth pony guard asks incredulously.
“No,” Sol responds, “Its more like we aren’t bound by the rules of this universe.”
“So you are the ones responsible for the fire?” the unicorn accuses.
Sol lowers his snout down in a sign of remorse.
Unable to resist the charms that Celestia taught Sol, the unicorn guard feels bad for the earth pony who didn’t ask to be born magical. It might even remind him of when he was younger and his parents threw him into military school because he couldn’t control his own magic.
“Well as long as you clean this mess up,” The unicorn says with a single manly tear running down his face much to the surprise of his companions.
“Yes, Princess, I'm ready to use my magic for good instead of evil.” Discord tells Princess Celestia.
But away from any prying ears he adds, “Most of the time.”
Addressing everyone Celestia says, “Congratulations on your success, ponies. I definitely sense a big change in Discord.”
On the down-low to Twilight, however, she adds, “I'll leave the Elements of Harmony with you, Twilight. Just in case.”
With a nod from Twilight (and a surprised look from Discord), Twilight says, “You were right when you said Fluttershy would be the one to find the way to reform Discord. By treating Discord as a friend, she got him to realize that friendship was actually important to him. And something that, once he had, he didn't want to lose.”
With the end of the speech of friendship Fluttershy says to Discord “Go on. Say it...”
“Alright” Discord says with a groan, and quickly adds, “Friendship is magic.”
“See? He can be a real sweetheart once you get to know him.” Fluttershy concludes.
“I heard my little ponies did something impressive,” Celestia says walking into the library. “I’ve never heard of such a physical use of a wind sigil.”
“Celestia!” both twins exclaim dropping the cleansing process.
Sol teleports in front of the Princess and Bitty flies and both bow extremely low, but if it is possible, Sol bows lower.
“So it is to my understanding that somepony was making a potion,” Celestia says looking at Solar Nuul.
“Princess, I am extremely sorry about the damages,” Solar Nuul pleads. “I can restore the books if you need me to.”
“Do not worry, there are unicorns that can do time spells here,” Celestia assures.
“So punishment-wise, what is going to happen to Sol?” Bitty asks excitedly.
“No, other than to finish cleaning the soot, no punishment,” Celestia says, much to Sol’s relief and Bitty’s dismay. “I just want some of that potion you made.”
“I don’t want to sound rude,” Sol starts.
“Since when are you not rude to Celestia,” interrupts Bitter Sweet.
“Like I said, I don’t want to be rude, but the potion is broken,” Sol says. “It exploded!”
“Looks like you need to look at your little project again,” Celestia says pointing towards the table Solar Nuul was working on earlier that day.
On top of the table was a beaker filled to the brim with a pink liquid.
“Wow,” Sol monosyllabically reacts.
All three move towards the table.
“So it seems Celestia knows what this potion is for,” Bitty says. “Can you finally tell me what it is?”
“No can do, sis, still a surprise,” Sol answers. “Besides I highly doubt that Celestia knows what this is, I just finished inventing and perfecting it. ”
“There is only one possible potion that would require an explosion before completion,” Celestia simply states, “and only one potion that would need both Moonstone and Jobberknoll feathers.”
“How do know the ingredients?” both twins inquire simultaneously, Bitty because she wants to learn that skill and Sol because he thinks Celestia is spying on him.
“From the ashes of the feather and the stains on the floor,” Celestia smugly replies.
Identical dumb-founded expressions get plastered on the twins’ faces.
“What? It is a very distinctive stain.”
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Alright, I have read about two scrolls down in the first chapter, and I think I understand why you are getting dislikes. I will read further and give another review after I finish, but bear with me.
They way you explain the looks of the characters was not too bad. I would reccommend replacing the word stipulate with another term. Most people aren't reading a Comedy story for impressive diction. These are nit picks though, your real problem came when I got to the section of the library.
I will guarantee you right now that at least one of those dislikes is from a Spike fan. That slave dragon comment wasn't quite necessary, don't you think? It may be what you think personally, but it isn't at all necessary for the story.
Sadly, that wasn't the big problem. When you began adressing yourself in the story, I had to force myself to read the entire first section again due to confusion. You just seemed to throw yourself in there with no previous hints to an active narrator perspective. This is really confusing, jarring, and frankly not very good. If you are going to do that, you need to set up your story in the fashion of having an active narrator, not throw yourself in in the middle. ( in in. I hate english.
)
This is probably what is generating your dislikes, aside from the generally confused style of storytelling and your OCs being Celestia's students along with kinda being brats. More on that later.
I hope this review helps!
Edit: Also, you change persons in the first chapter. If you start in third person, you shouldn't switch randomly to first.
I needed this. I thank you.
You have no idea how much I wanted someone to rip up my work. I am not being sarcastic. I don't think I'm capable of consciously creating sarcasm.
The OCs do have a limit in skill. I thought it was clear and it is obviously isn't.
I actually enjoy Spike as a character and I guess that comment came out other FIM comedy I've read.
Now that I think about the narrator situation it did go out of hoof a bit. I wanted a narrator with enough info to describe things but put limits on him. I knew no good way other than give him that voice. But since he wasn't really a character...Yeah it got out of hand.
Just for info this is just on the 1st chapter or the 1st two? Okay its obviously the first two since of the interrobang.
On that subject, I added the second explicit statement because I am on a personal mission to spread the word on the power of punctuation. I would preach about semi-colons but interrobangs have more of a kick to them.
After about 20 minutes of thought, I have written this. And it is short. With amount of thought I put into writing, one would think I would be better. However, life is about improving (and I feed on knowledge so).
Again thanks for the comment. I needed it. The story will be discontinued. Sadly for the one person that apparently liked the story (thumbs up for the thumbs up) and happily for the other that did not like it.
I will not give up however. I will be remaking this. This story shall be avenged. I really liked this concept I thought it was good.
This is Dan, signing off.
PS. shinygiratinaz. You shall be followed. Also ChaoticLightning since you liked it.
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Thanks for taking the criticism, I try to help but sometimes I worry about being too harsh.
It's good to know that you are going to revise it, it's an idea that could be great for a Comedy story. Lots of people around here like Discord and the random chaos he brings, so I think with a little tweaking this could be hilarious.
First stories are always the hardest, so I have no doubt that you'll be only getting better!
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I just wish someone like you came to point out the bad style before I got to chapter 4. Then I could have revised the chapters instead of starting over. Oh well. There were 100 views for crying out loud someone couldn't say something! Ok. Moving on.
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That's my problem on my main story, I have 5 chapters and 86 views and the only comments are me and my brother...
Kinda sad.