Shard Vine is a unique pony like draconequus, a hybrid that seeks only but peace to his own kin. He is far beyond the power to those below him.
Eternum is a young colt who moves to ponyville after the loss of his parents in a fire accident to continue his education and finding a new home. He didn't make any friends before, even to his new school. Alone until, a filly comforted him
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I think you need a pre-reader... and to drop the group boxes.
3665490 Already fixed the boxes.
3665490 I think he needs an intervention.
3665578 What do you mean?
3665614
>Hyper O.O.C name.
>"Batman" tragedy.
>Immediate rejection by fellow students.
>Doesn't make any sense as to how or WHY he lives in an alley. (And how was he able to take the train/buy a ticket without noticing that he's too YOUNG to buy a goddam train ticket for himself)
All the makings of a bad plot and crappy character.
3665907 I don't disagree with any of your point... But I believe it is his first story, and I'm not sure he is very old. Frankly, I don't really know anybody who didn't fall into some writing pitfall in his first try.
3667806 True, but I'm the site boogyman, so it's my job put the pressure on new authors.
Tempering the steel, so to speak.
3667809 Are you saying that to let me further improve in making a story?
3667809 Hmm... I don't remember you hammering me on the head when I did some shitty human-in-Equestria with a grammar error every two words. Were you in vacation, or did I forget you?
Kidding. I guess you have quite a lot of work in here!
3667878 Yes.
3667887 You have literally no idea. Also, I probably was, or you deleted my comment.
3668055 I never delete comments.
Terrible. Just bad. The pacing is atrocious, your grammar is beyond abysmal, and your overall writing style is comparable to a burning paper bag full of fecal matter.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~