• Member Since 10th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Monday

WorldSmith


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Comments ( 24 )

I loved it, a bit too short for my tastes, but great nonetheless :twilightblush: keep it up! so kyoot!

Very nice! :yay: :twilightsheepish:

Hmm, I thought it was an interesting concept. Fluttershy always seemed like the kind of pony who would dance in the moonlight...

Anyway, great visuals, great idea. I think what you need to improve on is pacing. Everything happened very fast. Perhaps try to slow things down a bit. Build some suspense or intrigue, or go into deeper detail about the settings and thoughts of your main character. It seemed a little impersonal to me, like I was watching it on a screen. With the magic of writing, you can provide a window into the mindset and feelings of a character, instead of just showing what they do.

That's my constructive criticism, but other than that, I think you have potential as a writer! Keep it up!

Good little fic for evening entertaiment. Stalin likes!

I loved it. It's short and sweet. Just the way I like 'em

nicely done short but stil enough.

Thank you Everypony for the kind words! :rainbowkiss:
311599 I totally agree the pacing needs work, and thank you for pointing out that it got a little impersonal. I will work on these!

I enjoyed it! It's very promising first story and if you follow Mr. Freakins' excellent advice I think your future work will be very worthwhile reading. :twilightsmile:

D'awww, that was cute :rainbowkiss:

Just to start off, I really enjoyed this story, so any criticism I have is just to try and help you improve :fluttershyouch:

I think that, honestly, you're in dire need of a proof-reader or an editor or something, because whilst I think your writing style is fine for the most part (it's nice and clear, and I was never confused about what was happening), it's also riddled with grammar mistakes and what not. Usually I couldn't care less about stuff like this (everypony makes mistakes, and I am not a grammar expert), but in this case there are just sooo many of them that it becomes distracting- especially since, like I said, I thought your writing style was pretty good. I mean, right in the very first line you use a comma instead of a full stop after 'Twilight Sparkle sighed', and then there's a whole bunch of places where there should be a comma but there isn't, and then so on and so forth... all this stuff is really easily fixable, so I definitely consider going over this story at least one more time.

I'd mention the pacing except somepony else already did. You managed to create a real sense of mystery and intrigue, but it's all over so fast! I'm not saying to stretch it out for longer than you should, but on the other hoof, ponies love reading about that sort of stuff (or at least I do), so again, I think it'd be well worth going back and savouring that bit a little more.

What else? Like I said, I loved the sense of mystery in the first half. I couldn't wait to find out what Fluttershy was up to, and I definitely wasn't disappointed when I found out! It was lovely and strange, yet oddly in character; I had no problems imagining that Fluttershy would actually get up to this sort of stuff. I liked how simple the storyline was (although maybe I'm just saying this because I find it impossible to write something without making it needlessly complicated), and it was so sweet as well! I also loved how nicely everything was resolved at the end- Twilight and Fluttershy were both in character, and they both seemed to have a new-found appreciation for one another.

Add another 500 or 1000 words or something and you'd be onto a real winner here :pinkiehappy:

Short and sweet, very nice :yay::twilightsmile:

311977 Thank you so much for the thoughtful comments. I agree a beta reader would be devine, but this fic and its posting was largely a spur of the moment thing (something I am not normally known for) however when I move on to larger stories I will make certain to put them through an editor first :twilightsmile:. I am known however for being terrible about commas :twilightblush: I'm quite sure most of what I write would make a grammar expert cry. All in all thank you for the criticisms which I will take to heart as I go over and clean this up :pinkiehappy:.

312266 Two things:

One - I would love to be your beta reader, I've got lots of free time. :pinkiehappy:

Two - There were a few grammatical errors (Such as saying Twilight Fluttershy landed in front of Twilight).

I loved the story. :heart:

"Luna’s moon rested full and bright in a dark blue velvet sky, and the air was so clear and cold Twilight was afraid to make even the slightest sound lest she shatter it like glass."
Don't know why, but I thought this sentence was exceptionally beautiful, as was the rest of the story.

As stated, there were a few grammatical errors that caught me, but the premise and your writing style are spot on (something about the poetic, figurative language you used really captured the essence of the surreal, yet beautiful, scene of Fluttershy dancing alone in the moon-lit woods). Pretty good for a first fic, but what surprised me most was the >1000 word count. With fimfiction.net's 1000 word minimum, your author's note definitely saved you. :twilightsheepish:

First off, I absolutely loved the story. I've tried writing short stories, but they generally turn into door-stoppers. It takes a lot to be able to say what you need for the story to make sense in a short space, so congrats!
Also, I would love to help out by being a beta-reader. I thoroughly love proof-reading, so let me know if you would like the extra help. Once again, great job overall! :fluttershyouch:

313171 I have the exact opposite problem :twilightsheepish: I can never seem to make things long enough. Well "brevity is wit" as they say.
Some small fixes!
I worked some on the pacing and touched on what grammar I could see. I hope it works better :twilightsmile:

You know, I was going to spend some time writing a thoughtful critique, but everything I was going to say has been covered. Well except one thing, but it's probably just me. Thank you for not putting "this is my first fic" in the description. It always makes me wary and more likely to catch even the smallest mistakes. It's okay to put out something that isn't perfect, and you shouldn't feel the need to justify it with "this is my first fic." Although at this point I'm ranting about other authors at you. NVMLOLBBQ:pinkiehappy:

Everything has mostly been covered, but I'd like to say that this is a great story! :yay: :twilightsmile:

You would make a great poet. :twilightsmile:

What's absolutely crazy is that I had an idea similar to this at one point; it was more comedic, however, with Ponyville basically grinding to a halt whenever Fluttershy started singing and dancing.

But this was lovely and sweet, and I wish I'd read it sooner. :heart:

I love this sooooooooooooooo much. Really beautiful and love the moment captured between these two with the revelations and the cuteness. As with how heartwarming this is. The interactions between these two are so genuine and make me smile a lot, as with the ending ahhhhhhhhhhh. Love this a lottttt! :heart:

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