A Moonlit Secret

by WorldSmith

Chapter 1

A Moonlit Secret

Twilight Sparkle sighed. It was another late night for her, and while she enjoyed studying with a passion tonight she just couldn’t seem to get excited about the dusty tome sitting in front of her. Sighing again she looked out the window at the empty streets of Ponyville. It was a lovely midwinter night, the Moon was full and bright, soft fresh snow yet untouched by ponies blanketed the streets, Fluttershy was sneaking down the road.

"Wait what?"

Twilight looked again and indeed she saw Fluttershy quietly gliding from lamppost to lamppost darting looks all around as she went.

“Now what is she up to?” Twilight asked her curiosity growing.

“Hoo?” Owloysius hooted.

“Fluttershy,” Twilight answered the owl.

“Hoo?”

“You know Fluttershy!” Twilight stopped and smiled at herself at getting caught misinterpreting her pet’s hoots, and watched as Fluttershy made her way towards Whitetail Woods. Her curiosity getting the better of her Twilight cast one last look at the dry tome before getting a scarf and her boots deciding the book could wait while she sated her curiosity.

Twilight fully intended to just catch up to Fluttershy and ask her what she was doing but something about the way the shy pegasus was sneaking along drove Twilight to be just as quiet as she shadowed her friend. Twilight’s mind raced with possibilities of what Fluttershy could be doing in the middle of the night.

“What in Equestria is she doing? Is meeting somepony? Who would she meet this late? Maybe it’s a lover! Who could it be?” Twilight had little trouble believing that the sweet pegasus would be enough of a hopeless romantic to meet some special somepony in such a secret way under the light of the full moon. “Now I have to find out!”

These thoughts urging Twilight on the two ponies made their way deeper into the forest. One pony unaware of being followed the other pony getting a strange feeling of excitement at innocently spying on her friend, the two snuck quietly through the moonlit woods.

Eventually they seemed to their destination, the edge of a large clearing. As Fluttershy reached the tree line she glanced back one last time nearly giving Twilight a heart attack as she dove out of sight behind a tree. After a few breathless moments Twilight peaked around the tree, what she saw took her breath away.

Fluttershy had stepped out of the shadows into the pale moonlight, her breath visible as a soft cloud. The moonlight had turned the butter yellow pony into a pale silver color. A wide but demure smile graced her face as she closed her eyes and spread her soft wings to their fullest length in the cold winter air, shivering slightly as she wore no winter clothes. She held that pose stand on her the tips of her hooves when suddenly Fluttershy leapt gracefully into the air flapping her wings as quietly as possible sending snow flying in a small silver flurry as she flew into the frozen air.

“Now let’s see who Fluttershy is meeting.”

Not daring to breathe, Twilight crept to the shadows near where Fluttershy had took off and widened her eyes in awe. The clearing was a masterpiece of light, the white snow reflecting the silver moonlight till it shone like day. Luna’s moon rested full and bright in a dark blue velvet sky, and the air was so clear and cold Twilight was afraid to make even the slightest sound lest she shatter it like glass. Just the picture of this clearing cast in silver and shadow would have kept Twilight awestruck but what truly demanded her attention was Fluttershy who wasn’t meeting anypony at all.

Fluttershy glided through the frozen air with a silence that would make an owl weep. Twilight could see her eyes sparkle in pure joy as the shy pony flitted around the clearing in a silent dance in the frozen air. Twilight suddenly felt like a voyeur watching her friend’s flight but she could no more look away from the breathless beauty of the scene than she could tear her own hoof off.

Fluttershy flew in joyful loops and twists and dives but never going above the treetops and doing all with a slow grace reminiscent of a waltz. With each dive she came inches from the snow swooping the loose drifts into her flight creating a glittering trail behind her. After what seemed to be a blissful eternity to Twilight, Fluttershy finally landed in the same spot she took of from, careful to not create any new marks in the white snow. Eyes closed in joy the panting from her exertions steaming the air in front of her, Fluttershy made her way to where Twilight was watching.

Twilight’s heart leapt to her throat as she realized there was nowhere to hide, her mind creating worse and worse consequences for her spying. She tried to futilely make herself as small as possible when Fluttershy noticed her with a barely audible ‘eep’

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to spy, I just saw you from my window and I meant to call to you but you were being so quiet it made me quiet and I’m sorry I watched you dance you were very pretty and I just couldn’t say anything and I’m sorry,” Twilight whispered in a single breath, unable to speak any louder still held by the spell of the winter night.

For Fluttershy’s part she was shocked and embarrassed at being caught in the middle of one of her private moments by the lavender unicorn. For a moment the two socially awkward ponies just stared at each other both growing more and more embarrassed with each passing second.

“T- this was supposed to be private...” Fluttershy finally whispered.

Twilight’s ears folded back, “I’m sorry, please don’t be mad at me,”

“Oh no it’s just nopony was ever supposed to watch me...” Fluttershy nervously shuffled her fore hoof in the snow blushing.

It finally dawned on Twilight that Fluttershy was just as embarrassed at getting caught dancing as herself at getting caught spying, “Well if it helps I thought you were beautiful.”

Fluttershy retreated into her mane but not before giving a small, pleased smile, “really?” she squeaked.

“Of course! I don’t see how anypony couldn’t think so.” Twilight answered, smiling warmly, “so... is that what you do? You come out here and dance?”

Fluttershy blushed deeper and nodded, “only on full moons in the winter like tonight, it’s just so pretty...” she trailed off.

Twilight could only nod.

“Umm there’s another clear night scheduled tomorrow if you ... if you wanted to umm come with me and umm watch me...” the shy pegasus squeaked out sinking further into her mane.

Twilight’s smile grew wider at the invitation of her friend to witness something so private to her, “Fluttershy,” she waited for her to look up, “I would love to.”

============

Author’s Note

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, this is my first fanfic and was conceived and created within a ten-hour period. I would dearly love all critiques and criticisms (especially any and all grammar issues) to help develop what writing talents I have.

Comments

[aquilerafroot]

I loved it, a bit too short for my tastes, but great nonetheless keep it up! so kyoot!

[IonBWG]

Very nice!

[Mr. Freakins]

Hmm, I thought it was an interesting concept. Fluttershy always seemed like the kind of pony who would dance in the moonlight...

Anyway, great visuals, great idea. I think what you need to improve on is pacing. Everything happened very fast. Perhaps try to slow things down a bit. Build some suspense or intrigue, or go into deeper detail about the settings and thoughts of your main character. It seemed a little impersonal to me, like I was watching it on a screen. With the magic of writing, you can provide a window into the mindset and feelings of a character, instead of just showing what they do.

That's my constructive criticism, but other than that, I think you have potential as a writer! Keep it up!

[Stalin the Stallion]

Good little fic for evening entertaiment. Stalin likes!

[Barbecue Sauce]

* Me Gusta*

[Jugador96]

I loved it. It's short and sweet. Just the way I like 'em

[Fanskapet]

nicely done short but stil enough.

[Jumpitydude]

...*Squee*

[WorldSmith]

Thank you Everypony for the kind words!
311599 I totally agree the pacing needs work, and thank you for pointing out that it got a little impersonal. I will work on these!

[Starfall]

I enjoyed it! It's very promising first story and if you follow Mr. Freakins' excellent advice I think your future work will be very worthwhile reading.

[NotABrony1]

D'awww, that was cute

[Lucky Dreams]

Just to start off, I really enjoyed this story, so any criticism I have is just to try and help you improve

I think that, honestly, you're in dire need of a proof-reader or an editor or something, because whilst I think your writing style is fine for the most part (it's nice and clear, and I was never confused about what was happening), it's also riddled with grammar mistakes and what not. Usually I couldn't care less about stuff like this (everypony makes mistakes, and I am not a grammar expert), but in this case there are just sooo many of them that it becomes distracting- especially since, like I said, I thought your writing style was pretty good. I mean, right in the very first line you use a comma instead of a full stop after 'Twilight Sparkle sighed', and then there's a whole bunch of places where there should be a comma but there isn't, and then so on and so forth... all this stuff is really easily fixable, so I definitely consider going over this story at least one more time.

I'd mention the pacing except somepony else already did. You managed to create a real sense of mystery and intrigue, but it's all over so fast! I'm not saying to stretch it out for longer than you should, but on the other hoof, ponies love reading about that sort of stuff (or at least I do), so again, I think it'd be well worth going back and savouring that bit a little more.

What else? Like I said, I loved the sense of mystery in the first half. I couldn't wait to find out what Fluttershy was up to, and I definitely wasn't disappointed when I found out! It was lovely and strange, yet oddly in character; I had no problems imagining that Fluttershy would actually get up to this sort of stuff. I liked how simple the storyline was (although maybe I'm just saying this because I find it impossible to write something without making it needlessly complicated), and it was so sweet as well! I also loved how nicely everything was resolved at the end- Twilight and Fluttershy were both in character, and they both seemed to have a new-found appreciation for one another.

Add another 500 or 1000 words or something and you'd be onto a real winner here

[ek91]

Short and sweet, very nice

[WorldSmith]

311977 Thank you so much for the thoughtful comments. I agree a beta reader would be devine, but this fic and its posting was largely a spur of the moment thing (something I am not normally known for) however when I move on to larger stories I will make certain to put them through an editor first . I am known however for being terrible about commas I'm quite sure most of what I write would make a grammar expert cry. All in all thank you for the criticisms which I will take to heart as I go over and clean this up .

[RainbowDashian]

312266 Two things:

One - I would love to be your beta reader, I've got lots of free time.

Two - There were a few grammatical errors (Such as saying Twilight Fluttershy landed in front of Twilight).

I loved the story.

[Col_StaR]

"Luna’s moon rested full and bright in a dark blue velvet sky, and the air was so clear and cold Twilight was afraid to make even the slightest sound lest she shatter it like glass."
Don't know why, but I thought this sentence was exceptionally beautiful, as was the rest of the story.

As stated, there were a few grammatical errors that caught me, but the premise and your writing style are spot on (something about the poetic, figurative language you used really captured the essence of the surreal, yet beautiful, scene of Fluttershy dancing alone in the moon-lit woods). Pretty good for a first fic, but what surprised me most was the >1000 word count. With fimfiction.net's 1000 word minimum, your author's note definitely saved you.

[flutterbybuttershy]

First off, I absolutely loved the story. I've tried writing short stories, but they generally turn into door-stoppers. It takes a lot to be able to say what you need for the story to make sense in a short space, so congrats!
Also, I would love to help out by being a beta-reader. I thoroughly love proof-reading, so let me know if you would like the extra help. Once again, great job overall!

[WorldSmith]

313171 I have the exact opposite problem I can never seem to make things long enough. Well "brevity is wit" as they say.
Some small fixes!
I worked some on the pacing and touched on what grammar I could see. I hope it works better

[Ergocogito]

You know, I was going to spend some time writing a thoughtful critique, but everything I was going to say has been covered. Well except one thing, but it's probably just me. Thank you for not putting "this is my first fic" in the description. It always makes me wary and more likely to catch even the smallest mistakes. It's okay to put out something that isn't perfect, and you shouldn't feel the need to justify it with "this is my first fic." Although at this point I'm ranting about other authors at you. NVMLOLBBQ

[FlutterShay]

Everything has mostly been covered, but I'd like to say that this is a great story!

[Mists]

You would make a great poet.

[Fluttershylover3]

awesome story

[goaway]

What's absolutely crazy is that I had an idea similar to this at one point; it was more comedic, however, with Ponyville basically grinding to a halt whenever Fluttershy started singing and dancing.

But this was lovely and sweet, and I wish I'd read it sooner.

[TheCreativeWonderDash]

I love this sooooooooooooooo much. Really beautiful and love the moment captured between these two with the revelations and the cuteness. As with how heartwarming this is. The interactions between these two are so genuine and make me smile a lot, as with the ending ahhhhhhhhhhh. Love this a lottttt!

[Fluttershyisacutegal]

beautiful!

[new55]

That was a good story.