HELLO!! I'm Midnight the Awesome Alicorn, but my friends call me Mid, or Midnight! I love Zap Apples, Video Games and I'm super Independent. I don't like being judged, or stared at. I live in a tree!
Midnight is gone in search of where her first memories start, and whilst at home, Twilight Sparkle is FINALLY relaxing. Then, a human appears in Equestria, or to be specific, in Twilight Sparkle's cozy library. But, how does she know so much about Equestria? And, HOW DID SHE GET TO EQUESTRIA...
My first HiE, hope you like!
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*sigh*
-.- this REALLY needs some help. there is so many mistakes in it that it looks like a middle schooler attempting a novel. i suggest finding someone to help and/or write it for you. i used to have someone helping me write out my ideas.
I know almost nothing about any of these characters, because you've barely told us anything about any of them -- including the main character. You (as a writer) have given me (as a reader) no reason to care about any of them. And based on my glance at the next chapter, they all vanish from the narrative anyway. So I question the purpose of all of this name-dropping.
This especially confuses me. Is this some new slang I'm unaware of where you call people by the names of big cats? "Don't call me a jaguar, you lynx! Your mom's a puma." I'm honestly baffled.
3938002
I need to change that, and I'm working on it.
3938319
For a fact, I am a young child. Maybe not in elementary but still. If you'd like, you could point out my problems and I will fix it.
3938798
Okay, the first chapter doesn't entirely matter. But yes, I absolutely see where you are going and I will go and fix it. I'm writing this story entirely on my own, so in my eyes it seems fine. If you'd like, you could help me.
3939311
Try looking here and here to find people who will go over your story and correct any mistakes you might have made. Also, some better description or character development would be nice. 1,214 words is not a good enough length for us to get to know your character and get used to them.
Also:
This is quite possibly the worst thing you could have ever said. Maybe it's just me or the phrasing, but it almost sounds as though you don't care. I do hope that isn't the case.
3939482
Eh... lemme think.
The first chapter is like a chapter that if you don't read, it wouldn't make that big of a difference to the story. And, I'm actually thinking of rewriting it. It's getting kind of frustrating because every time I write a story, I get a lot of bad comments on how I prefer to write. Maybe, for now I'll just stick to writing in my notebook, and just unpublished this story and leave it be for a while.
But, don't feel bad. I did ask for criticism, and I guess I still need to improve more. Thank you for your opinions.
3939742
The first chapter is the HOOK of the story.
You need to make it clear and interresting if you want the readers to be interrested in the story.
3939742
It just takes time and practice. It also takes listening to the criticism that you're given. First chapters are really there to introduce your characters, world and to hook the reader in. They can be tricky. Read around to some other stories, see what writers have done to introduce their stories and take note of not only what they've done but how they've done it. There's no need to take this down. Instead, leave it up and when you improve you can look back on it and laugh. That's what I did with my first story, which I still consider a train wreck.
3939777
3939785
I'm bad with hooks. Literally and metaphorically. I almost killed (hyperbole) My dad once. I think I'll just, yeah, let it sit and rot.
I'll work on my other story, that is like 1 1/2 notebooks long(I write it irl then post it here) and then maybe come back, and patch this one up. Or maybe, plan this crazy fluff (isn't that what they call random, one shot kind of stories?) a little more.
Thanks for everything again, and believe me, I read a lot of stories on here, but I only know one HiE that really got my attention, and I don't want to steal his ideas. And his story is totally insane. (No offense guy who wrote it.)
3939813
Random one-offs are generally just Slice of Life stories. One offs are usually a really good place to start if you're going to write, especially in fan fiction. It helps you get used to characterizations and they're pretty easy and quick to do.
3939843
So, can they be random?
3939851
Oh, of course they can. They can really be whatever you want. Tell you what, if you'd like, you can PM me your idea and I could help you develop it.
3939856
Yay!! Okay, but I'll need to work a little on my other story, but yes I'll pm you and we can work out a story.
Oh boy another horrible-cliche-HIE-story-that-is-probaly-going-to-be-deleted
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Oh Junge. Hier gehen wir wieder.