• Member Since 11th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Mar 28th, 2016

Mills


E

-Written for the 'Bat pony write-off' event
Follow Kicker, a journalist for The Fillydelphia Times, as he writes down the events which lead him to question why so little is known about the race of Bat Ponies.
(Takes place before Nightmare Moon is released from the moon)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

and it flew faster than the Wonderbolts."

I've got nothing against building new cannon (litterally nothing), but this seems really stretching... Poor Wonderbolts, it seems pretty much everything is as fast or faster than they are :rainbowlaugh:.

and crossed out the later half.

I like the shoutout to the reader to show you're conscious of that exaggeration, but then why keep it in the story in the first place? To say it was flying very fast? Is that so important?

but the last sentence was not anywhere near factual.

Okay, this is more than a shoutout now. I really hope this is going to have some importance in the story.

"A dangling participle! I thought I was past that!"

This one makes much more sense, as it is more the type of mistake I could expect from a writer. This one does say "he is really trying to write his stuff, this is real".
Now I guess the first one was following the same idea, but it still bother me a little somehow. Like a joke lost in the story.

A mere detail...

The sight of the forest was as uninviting as the décor of a hospital room

Weird comparison. I'm sorry I'm stopping at little details like that, but I'm really wondering how the everfree forest can look like a hospital room. I get the idea of depression and the scent of death in the air, but one is scary and dangerous, when the other one is just sad. I'm unable to connect those two together.
And by the way... the word "décor" exists in english? I didn't know that. Yay for french!

as I never had seen a moon on Nightmare Night

This is also hard to believe. I like the idea you are going for, and it is very easy to understand the action takes place before the episode 1. However, there is a statue of Nightmare Moon in Ponyville, where fillies and foals make the candy offering.
And saying that, I remember that it is one of the contradiction in the show, as, in episode one and two, nopony seems to remember Nightmare Moon... The problem being that, as a reader, I've seen the Nightmare Night episode...
I don't know, I guess I just had made up my mind in thinking they had just forgotten the legend, but not the character.
Oh well...

That wouldn't work.

Kind of feel you changed your mind at that moment, and that you didn't really plan that "twist". But this is probably just a feeling as the change would have been quite brutal.

as he backed towards an ominous looking branch on the outskirts of town.

Is that a reference? It follows the poison joke reference, so I guess it is one too, but I don't get it...

I aspired to get at least one interview with the mischievous creatures.

I wish I knew why I suddenly accept so easily the fact that he is not afraid anymore, after the bat pony had just been looking through his window. Probably the way you told she could have been evaluating the threat and therefore wasn't threatening him. It may be that... Good trick, very efficient.

I was reminded of a few local fillies or colts that I knew, which were still overcoming their own issues with flying.

Honestly, this feels like a little too much reference to Scootaloo. I had already understood before that sentence.

He learned barely anything about them.

Good way to acknowledge what I was thinking.

"'A Sweet Increase' Here has sources! Your fictional piece here, 'Common Misconceptions', is not even written in an inverted pyramid format and sounds like your daily journal."

Okay, if I had any doubt, this sold your story for me. This is exactly what I would expect from a stubborn close minded editor in chief. Maybe caricatural, but good nonetheless.

So what could I say? The style of the story reminded me of the little I've read from Lovecraft. Just adapted to the ponyverse where the danger isn't as big and the horror not as great (which is a good thing).
I'm not sure why you made the bat ponies with red eyes, but that's also part of the fun. In the end, why not? It still bothers me a little, but I can understand.

This was a good story. There was nothing that I found didn't work or bothered me too much to make the reading less enjoyable in any way. Even if that's not quite my kind of story, I appreciated it. Due to the ambigous place of bat ponies in the show (only seen once, could have been a costume, etc...), this was no small challenge to do and you did well.

Yup, good story.

The first comment here sums it up. Awesome story, though I almost feel as if you should make more... (Yeah, I'm not very good at hinting)

3415716
Hey, thanks for the feedback! Once I get some more time on my hands, I should be able to go through it again and edit out some of those mistakes...one of these days I'll find a proofreader :derpytongue2:

3448029

Hey, thanks for the feedback!

My pleasure.
Thanks for having provided a good read :twilightblush:.

one of these days I'll find a proofreader

I'm certainly not the best judge for that, but my opinion would be you don't need one.

Still, I would like to know what those red-eyes bat ponies were. But on another hand, that mystery is part of what makes the story good...
Oh well.

Well, I noticed a few spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors; but the biggest problem the story has it that it isn't finished! I mean, TECHNICALLY it's finished, but what it really needs is either a second chapter or a sequel.

3501612
I agree, I want to actually learn something about bat ponies (Or at least your version of them). PWEASE make another :fluttershysad:

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