That one dragon that writes fictional stories for no reason.
Sunset Shimmer returns to Equestria not because she seeks power but forgiveness. At first everyone will not forgive her for her actions but eventually, everyone will be convinced that Sunset really is sorry. During she is being forgiven, she makes new friends and even makes a relationship with a certain six foot dragon…
[Inspired by Sunset's Beauty and Love at Sundown]
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Alright, I see this story, and I know your pain.
" <-- Das you
" <-- Das me
"I posted a while ago and it got no love
"I posted a while ago and my story got no love
As the old saying goes, misery loves company. I'm going to give you a few pointers to spice up your writing.
1. punctuation. There are spaces after commas, periods, and other such goodies.
2. A little description goes a loooooooooong way (see what I did there, the word long is long... heh heh... okay, moving on)
Try writing something that describes the throne room. Set the tone for the trio as they approach the demigod that is Celestia.
)
3. Show don't Tell. (My editor chewed my ear off with this one, so say goodbye to yours
That is telling, you just kinda say what happens.
Showing is much more intricate and fleshes the characters out a bit. It gives them a personality that is all their own. Most would have their knees knocking together at the sight of the princess, but Shimmer has a different reason than most, tell them why. (you did this, just detail her reaction more than her eyes shrinking.)
Overall, this isn't horrible. It could definitely use some work, but it could also be much much worse.
As a reward (since I can't give cookies anymore. They won't let me use the oven after the incident.) you get a like, fave, and follow. You has potential.
3349284
I see what you are getting at.To be honest,English isn't my main language and you can tell.My main language is Spanish but I try my best.I really appreciate your help though,I really do want this fic to be really good.
3349671
) They can really help you get your act together, especially with the nuances of the language. Check around for groups for editors, many are willing to offer their services.
I recommend getting an editor. (I have like 3
3349684
Thank you for your help!
3349695
No probs, at least your story is doing better than mine.
*fades into the cyberspace fog*
avoid cliches like the plague, they will kill you... they being the readers. oooooo *other spooky noises*
3349709 It dont help your eyes creep me out!
3360973
What?
If Celestia is Spike's mom then it would make Luna his aunt, Cadence his cousin, and Twilight his half-sister.
3361106 Those eyes on his pic there scary!
The best part I love in this chapter is you make Spike and Celestia more motherly and son........
... I love it that way........
3361209
Makes sense.I should probably add this in the next chapter...
3365055
I got the idea of doing this.I have read other stories and I decided to add Celestia as Spike's "adoptive mother".Good to know that people will like it.
3361375
Then don't look at them!
3366076 Happy to know that
Man! I mean who would adopt a baby dragon at her age.....
Some say Twilight is Spike's adopted mother
3367075
Well it is their story.If they planned it with Twilight being Spike's “mother”,it kind of does make sense since Twilight takes care of Spike.In my opinion,I think Celestia is more of Spike's mother since she was supposedly the alicorn who found Spike's egg…
3369454 I couldn't agree more..... I'm a big SpiLight fan so making the motherly son relationship to Twilight and Spike
*shivers* me...
But I'm fine with them as brother and sister type of stories....
Short but I see some promise, please continue........
ok i know i read a story just like this. Is this a rewrite?
3438499 This is not a rewrite and are you sure there is another story just like this…?
ill read the two chapters but the other story i read sound just like this one im read a story right now when i catch up on it ill trade to find it ok
3441078 I have been searching and haven't found another story like this. Remember that this story was inspired by Sunset's Beauty and Love at Sundown. Are you sure the stories you are refering to are the ones that made this fic possible?
oh yea that it sorry i didnt see that i have dyslexia show i must have messed it sorry i read Love at Sundown
3443164 It's ok. Dyslexia does make it harder to read something. I knew the stories that you were referring to would be Love at Sundown or Sunset's Beauty
ok two things you said Love at Sundown twice and i am going to start read your story Right Now going to take a hour or two. thank you dyslexia
Had to jump on Elsword but any way ill keep an eye out for more chapter's and give it a thumps up
3446269 Whoops. Typo.
Ooooohhhhh. Do I sense a Sunset/Spike pairing in the future?
347945 Yes and if possible, a clopfic [Which I'm deciding to do…]
When you meet Pinkie be sure to PARTY!!!!!
And it will be crazy!
3479893
You do realize that you have basically put a steak in front of a starving dog, haven't you? While the starving dog is chained?
3371515
And it something it both. Brother and sister and mother and son with twiilght(I do not know how you be both in real life but fiction anything can happen)
So we got that aswell
3530866 For some of us SpiLight fans........
............ what you said is kinda offensive....
If you still don't have an editor yet, I would love to if you want. Need something else to do when I can't write my own stories because they end up being complete crap to me. Just PM me if you want me to or not. Anyway, on to the review so far.
Yeah, but so far I'm interested. Keep up the good work.
Good start, but like others have said, details bro, you need to give the story life. It can't just be a telling of what is happening, you have to detail what needs to be, leave what doesn't just mentioned, but don't do what I have done before and I have seen others do, don't over detail it. Let it flow.
You would also like to clean up how you word some of the sentences, they seem a bit, I don't know, choppy?
Oh don't feel bad, we've all done a crappy job at something at one point.