The Courting Crusade
The Courting Crusade
The following morning Twilight woke up to the smell of pancakes wafting into her room. That coupled with her finally having been able to sleep after so many nightmares grouped into her being in quite the good mood. She made to leave her bed before noticing an oddly misplaced weight on her head. She fully opened her eyes to see the Spartan’s arm resting on herself. Her eyes widened as she thought over the precarious and rather embarrassing position she was in. If anypony were to look they would’ve had some interesting ideas.
The Spartan hadn’t seemed to have woken up yet as his snores, though muffled by his helmet, were still audible. Twilight took this opportunity to slip from the Spartan’s grasp as gently as possible. Once out of her bed she took a moment to think things over as the events of the past night were recalled. Twilight didn’t remember ever having gotten back to her bed, and the Spartan simply sitting next to her pointed out to him having brought her there. That coupled with the still snoring Spartan must’ve meant he stayed up a lot later than usual to make sure she was alright.
A smile grazed Twilight’s lips as she made her way towards the dining room where she found a both drowsy yet awake Black Mist. Spike was cooking in the kitchen but soon made his appearance as he placed a plate full of the delicious goods on the table.
“Good Morning Spike and Black Mist. How are you both doing today,” Twilight asked as she took a seat.
“I little off from my usual schedule but I’m sure I will be able to get used to this in a few more days,” Black Mist replied.
“And you Spike?” Twilight asked.
“Apparently not as good as you were this morning,” Spike replied, grinning as he turned to Black Mist, “You should’ve seen her Mist; she was snuggling and wiggling under the arm of Silent up there!”
Twilight’s eyes bulged from her sockets before she turned beet red, “SPIKE!” she yelled in annoyance.
“Hahahahaha! I’m just messing with you Twi!” Spike said as he took a seat.
Through all of this Black Mist only seemed to stare in shock at both of his hosts and partially charges. Something that Twilight immediately caught before she explained.
“It’s not what it sounds like Mist,” she said, “Yesterday night I was having nightmares and I stayed up late reading with Silent. I guess he must’ve taken me to my bed after I fell asleep by accident.”
Black Mist seemed to accept the explanation as he smiled, “So it looks like the tin man does have heart. And I guess it’s good to know he does have some sort of distinction between right and wrong.”
“Mist, did you not learn your lesson about making jokes about him yesterday?” Twilight asked.
“What happened yesterday?” Spike asked.
“Turns out the big guy doesn’t like being laughed at,” Black Mist said.
“And he roped you up and tossed you out of the chariot like a puppet. Do you really want a repeat performance?” Twilight asked.
“What is he going to do? Dangle me from the balcony?” Black Mist asked.
“I don’t know Mist, but I fear to know what he would do to you should he get creative,” Twilight said.
Black Mist was about to offer his rebuttal before a knock came from the door.
“Who could that be at this hour? The library doesn’t open until later and it’s still too early for Ponyville to be struck by disaster,” Twilight said as she got up from the table and went to open the door.
The door was merely opened an inch before it was forced open by a brown hoof. Twilight staggered back in shock before Black Mist jumped into action and stood in front of Twilight defensively. Though Black Mist’s quick actions were hardly of any used towards the bouquet of flowers that was aimed towards Twilight by a well groomed unicorn. The stallion had a black mane and green colored eyes that seemed to sparkle with mirth. His stance spoke of class as well as the fancy suit he was wearing. If this pony wasn’t a noble, then those who were surely used clothing made out of gold.
“Silent Warrior I presume?” the stallion asked.
“What? No, I’m not-,” Black Mist tried to correct the stallion before he was interrupted once more.
“I don’t care who you are. All I know is that right now you are standing between me and the stunningly beautiful Twilight Sparkle,” the stallion said as he winked and gave a small bow towards Twilight.
“Listen sir, I’m going to need you to leave,” Black Mist said before being completely ignored and shoved to the side as the stallion seemed to wiggle his eyebrows at a very disturbed Twilight.
“But where are my manners!? I’ve forgotten to introduce myself to you Miss Sparkle,” the stallion said, “I am Silver String from the house of String! Though you might already know of me, I have finally worked up the courage to confess my undying love to you Miss Sparkle,” the stallion said whom was now at an awkwardly close distance.
Black Mist, having been rightly pissed by such an aggravating stallion, came behind the pony and with both hooves grabbed him and pulled him backwards. Silver String didn’t seem to like the sudden hard treatment he received from Black Mist as he turned to the guard with a scowl.
“YOU DARE PUT YOU DIRTY HOOVES ON ME!? DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHO I AM!?” Silver String yelled, “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR NAME IS OR WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING! IT WOULD BE WISE OF YOU TO KNOW YOUR PLACE!”
The whole library stood in silence at the display of the pompous stallion before he once more looked at Twilight, “So terribly sorry you had to see that my dear, but sometimes you just have to teach the common rubble to stay in their place. Now where were we?” Silver said before Black Mist stood in front of him once more yet this time he was wearing a grin.
“Uh! You again? And what is it that you need now guard?” Silver said, but spitting the last part.
“I was just going to say that I’m not Silent Warrior,” Black Mist said before he pointed a hoof behind the unicorn, “He is.”
Silver String was about to once more place a simpleton guard in his place when he noticed the rather big shadow lying on top of him. He slowly turned as the blood in his face began to drain. The Spartan stood behind him at full height and seemed to be breathing rather hardly.
‘I was trying to sleep,’ the Spartan thought as with one hand he snatched the stallion by its horn and as raised him in the air, ‘I don’t think you have any idea how pissed it makes me that anything wakes me up.’
“U-unhand m-me you vile b-beast!” the unicorn attempted to command.
The Spartan turned around and opened the door as he turned the unicorn around. He held the unicorn with both hands as he took a step back.
‘I swear to god that if you show your face here again I will give you a free face remodeling,’ the Spartan thought before he raised his leg backwards and promptly punted the unicorn away into the horizon. Some ponies say they found him lying on the ground halfway to Appleoosa.
With that having been done the Spartan smashed the door closed and headed into his room leaving three rather shocked ponies and dragon in his midst.
“You, uh… you think he’s okay?” Twilight asked.
“To be honest I don’t know,” the guard said before turning towards the Spartan’s room, “And I honestly don’t care.”
“That. Was. AWESOME!” Spike yelled as he threw his small arms in the air, “Did you see how he just grabbed him and all of a sudden kicked him off!? I wouldn’t be surprised if he made it to Applejack’s farm from here!”
“Spike! This is no laughing matter! That pony could be seriously injured!” Twilight said.
“Oh come on Twilight, you and I both know that stuck up pony deserved it. Besides, what the hell was he thinking coming here out of the blue trying to woo you!?” Spike replied with disdain.
“I don’t know Spike, I really don’t,” Twilight said.
“I guess it’s a good thing Silent showed up huh? Or else I might have had to do the dirty work myself,” Black Mist said.
“Oh really? You don’t seem to inspire much fear Mist,” Twilight replied mockingly.
“Hey! What I lack in discipline and respect for the line of command and others I more than make up with skills! There’s a reason I was assigned on this mission you know,” Black Mist said with pride.
“Yeah, and what good of a job you’ve done so far. We’ve already had mass panic spread throughout the city yesterday and today a noble was kicked to the other side of town,” Twilight said.
“Oh come on! It’s only been one day!” Black Mist defended.
Twilight simply stared at him with an unamused expression. Black Mist tried looking at Spike for support only to see him giving the same look.
“OH FINE! You want me to go inside his room and tell him punting ponies is bad? Fine! I will!” Black Mist said as he marched to the Spartan’s bedroom and entered. Before a few buffered and unrecognizable worlds were said. At which point Black Mist marched right out of the room smiling yet shaking with fear.
“What happened?” Spike asked.
“Let’s just say that he knows how to say some words that, though don’t make much sense, allow for a very broad spectrum of results. Results I’d rather not figure out which one Silent was threatening with,” Black Mist said as he slowly regained his color.
Twilight would have asked what words he spoke of before the door knocked once more.
“Ugh! What now!?” Twilight yelled in annoyance.
“I’ll go check this time.” Black Mist said as he went to check on the door only for him to barely open it and another attempt of breaking into the library was made. Black Mist was faster thought and was able to deny access to whoever it was before closing and locking the door.
Twilight took the opportunity to look over the side window and was treated to a sight she never thought she would see. It seemed as though nobles were arriving from every inch of Equestria and by all sorts of means too. Be it carriage or hot air balloon they all seemed to have the same intent as they surrounded the entrance.
“SPIKE!” Twilight yelled in fright.
“What is Twilight!?” Spike asked as he ran towards her.
“I need you to write the Princess a letter!” she said as she began to place furniture in front of the entrance.
“What do you want it to say?” he asked as he got ahold of a quill, ink, and parchment.
“Tell her that for some reason nobles are arriving at Ponyville and ask if she knows of something we can do,” Twilight said before Spike sent the letter in ball of fire.
In the meantime more and more nobles seemed to be arriving and the incessant knocking on the door didn’t seem to stop. Some knocks on the windows were beginning to appear too. After a while the whole place was being knocked out of every single entrance and window in an attempt to gain Twilight’s attention. Spike thankfully belched out a scroll in time to stop Twilight from doing something she thought she would never have to do… tell Silent to deal with them.
Dear Twilight,
I am so sorry to hear of your ongoing conundrum and I wish to let you know that Luna and I are doing everything possible to put an end to this. Sadly, it seems we cannot forbid ponies to visit ponies or in your case go to a public library. It also looks like news about you leaving the castle and going back to Ponyville leaked out and the nobles are taking the chance to make a move. Though under any other situation I would advise against it, I have to say that maybe Silent would be the one most capable of taking care of the issue. Remember that we won’t stop until we can place an end to this mess.
Sincerely,
H.R.H. Princess Celestia Solaria Invicta
Twilight stopped reading the letter as her world seemed to flush down the drain. Her house was surrounded by a crowd of pompous nobles who seemed to be aiming to court her. Surely this couldn’t have anything to do over her upcoming coronation could it?
Now she, Spike, Black Mist, and Silent Warrior had to defend the library long enough for Celestia to send help and being bundled inside proved impossible for her friends to reach her or her to them. Sure she could probably teleport but it wouldn’t be long before the nobles raided her wherever she appeared and then she and her friends would be in trouble. The knocking didn’t seem to stop and it only grated on her nerves more and more until she finally snapped.
She turned around and walked with determination towards the Spartan’s room before the door slammed open, almost tearing off its hinges. The Spartan stood there as he walked directly into the kitchen where he found a full pot of coffee and, without serving himself a cup, he just grabbed the kettle and downed the whole thing. He stood there unfazed for a second before Twilight approached him.
“I know it’s unusual but I’m out of options. That’s why I’ve come to you Silent but before you do anything I have to place down some ground rules. One, you may not maim or kill anypony. Two, I don’t want them sent to the hospital with broken bodies. And three, make sure it’s nothing permanent,” Twilight said.
The Spartan stood there thinking for a while as the obnoxious sound of knocking didn’t seem to cease. There was also the added bonus that the coffee wasn’t acting fast enough as the Spartan was still quite grumpy from the encounter a few minutes ago.
The Spartan didn’t say or do anything before he walked past Twilight and into the basement before he locked the door behind him.
“Wait! That’s it!? You’re just going to leave us!? Some guard you turned out to be!” Black Mist yelled before he turned to Twilight, “Don’t worry Miss Sparkle, we will find a way to deal with these snobs!”
With that both Black Mist and Spike began barricading every single door and windows in hopes that the nobles outside would get the point. They didn’t. And what’s worse the knocking had turned into pounding as they seemed to now demand to be let inside. It was 15 minutes later before the door of the basement clicked open and out came the Spartan holding a box.
The Spartan was presented with the image of a whimpering Twilight Sparkle who was stroking her tail while Black Mist and Spike where moving a book shelf in front of the door.
“And what do you want!?” Black Mist asked rather irately.
The Spartan didn’t even bother answering as he walked up to the second floor and stood on the balcony.
Once out there he could see the crowds assembled in front of the library that immediately took notice of him and began demanding him to let them inside. The Spartan could care less for their petty ambitions and demands as he rummaged inside the box and pulled out a spray bottle.
At the very end of the crowd stood a small group of ponies the Spartan recognized as Twilight’s friends. Almost all of them were present except for a rainbow Pegasus who made her presence known as she flew and stood on the balcony with him.
“Hey Silent, what the buck’s going on?” she asked as the Spartan simply opened the door and motioned her inside.
Rainbow Dash gladly took the invitation and went inside to check on how her friend was doing and to clear up the odd order of events that were happening. It was during this time that the Spartan pointed at the group of friends and made a shooing noise as well as various other gestures that only confused the group of mares. Thankfully though it somehow seemed like Pinkie Pie got the message and spoke to them before they all backed away.
The Spartan grabbed the spray bottle and aimed at single noble who seemed to be popping a vein as he yelled his demands as well as lineage. It didn’t take much; only a single gentle squeeze from the bottle as a stream of the peculiarly colored liquid shot from its nozzle and right into the noble’s face. Now the pony was livid with anger as it shouted every single one of the most obscene words he could at the Spartan as well as cursing his family. The Spartan on the other hand just looked at him with intrigue.
‘3…2…1…’ He mentally counted down before it happened.
The noble pony who was making his rage known to the whole world began screaming his heart out in pain as he rubbed his eyes mercilessly. The crowd didn’t seem to notice but the Spartan did, and he had just confirmed what he wanted. The Spartan went inside the tree house really quick while the pony kept screaming and getting away from the place as fast as possible in search for water to rinse his face.
It didn’t take long before the Spartan came out of the tree house with a 5 gallon container filled with a distinctly familiar liquid. It was attached to some sort of water pump and a nozzle. The Spartan simply aimed at the front lines of the crowd and began spraying them all with the liquid. All of the nobles were seething in rage yet didn’t back down when the second pass of the spraying was done. The Spartan wasn’t done though; he was there to give out a message.
He reached into the box he had brought out and just at about the time the ponies on the front lines began to feel oddly itchy in the face the Spartan took out a lighter and turned on the fuses of a few home-made flash bang grenades he had made. He was surprised at the amount of chemicals Twilight had available in the lab of hers.
What once was a united crowd with the objective to enter the library had now devolved into absolute chaos as ponies screamed and fought against every other pony in their way to get away as fast as possible. Whether blinded by pepper spray or stunned by the blinding explosion of a flash bang the Spartan made sure none of them left without experiencing his wrath. Especially when he took out the tear gas and the stinger grenades. The screams of pain, suffering, and fear of the nobles were music to the Spartan’s ears as he began laughing manically with his hands extended over the ensuing chaos below the balcony.
‘DANCE LITTLE PUPPETS! DANCE!’ the Spartan thought over his maniacal laughter.
Meanwhile four ponies on the very back of the whole ordeal made the silent pact to never in their lives do something to piss the Spartan off.
(5 minutes earlier inside the library)
Rainbow Dash had just been allowed inside the library where once inside the poundings on the doors and the screams of dignified hatred with demands to be let inside could be heard. Inside she saw a night guard she hadn’t met before and Spike pushing against the front door in an attempt to keep ponies out. Twilight on the other hand was whimpering in the middle of the room.
“Hey Twilight! What the hay is going on here!?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“They won’t leave me alone Rainbow Dash. They just won’t leave,” Twilight said incoherently.
“Who won’t leave!? Come on Twilight you need to make some sense!” Rainbow Dash said.
“THE NOBLES RAINBOW DASH! All the nobles are here trying to court me for some selfish reason or another! One after another, after another, after another showed up and they never stopped! And now I’m trapped, and Silent abandoned us,” Twilight said.
“Abandoned you? He was the one who let me in,” Rainbow Dash said as Twilight’s ears perked up.
“How did you get in!?” she asked.
“Through the balcony, duh! It’s not like those snobs can fly,” she said while gesturing to her wings, “Bet they wouldn’t even if they could.”
Twilight was about to reply when the Spartan simply passed both of them and went into the basement where he promptly came back up only this time he had a 5 gallon container with some mysterious liquid inside. The Spartan didn’t say anything as he simply went right back outside. Every single pony and dragon in the room wondered what he was doing.
That was until the screams stopped being directed at the inside of the library and were now directed towards the balcony. The pounding also stopped too. That’s when they all heard the creepiest and most terrifying sound they had ever imagined. At once all the shouting had ceased and silence reigned over, it was a petrifying silence that made the ponies and dragon inside simply stand at attention while their hair stood on end.
That’s when everything went to Tartarus and the screams of pain and suffering began invading the treehouse. Along with them came the sound of detonating explosions from all around as the mother of all chaos unraveled outside. In that instant Twilight knew she had committed a grave mistake by giving the Spartan any sort of free range over how to deal with the mob outside. Then the laughter invaded their ears. It was a sinister and maniacal laughter that came from the balcony itself.
“I-is that Silent?” Spike asked.
“Y-yes, I t-think it is,” Twilight replied while looking into space.
“Twilight I’m scared,” Spike said as he left his post at the door and huddled with the alicorn.
“I’m scared too Spike,” Twilight replied.
At the other end of the room Black Mist was mentally preparing himself to never in his life make an off handed comment or joke at the Spartan’s expense. He didn’t know what he had done outside but it had taken him 15 minutes to pull it off. He didn’t want to know what he could do when given enough motivation. He would forever have nightmares about this day as well as every witness present.
It had taken 20 minutes before the screaming faded away as the nobles most likely had run off into the woods or wherever their blind bodies would take them in search of relief. The Spartan went inside the library and placed all the furniture where it originally was without any objections from the ponies. He opened the door to show Twilight the lack of a mob and a few ponies that had outright lost consciousness still littering the ground but nonetheless the situation had been diffused in the most extreme of ways possible.
“T-thank Y-you Silent,” Twilight said as she got her bearings back.
The Spartan simply shrugged and took a new book off of the shelf before sitting down in his corner and beginning to read as if nothing had ever happened.
No noble ever dared return to Ponyville after the news of what happened reached Canterlot. The Spartan was not punished as he had been given orders to take matters into his own hands. The monster that was the Spartan was now deeply ingrained into the minds of the ponies. Some ponies like Rainbow Dash and Applejack who thought him to be in reality a soft guy inside received a grim reminder of what the super soldiers where capable of doing.
The rest of the day went on as normally as it could have gone, though nopony talked to each other for the rest of it. They merely went about their business, they asked no questions, and took to slipping the whole thing out like a bad nightmare had happened. The Spartan merely shrugged, to him it was better this way as no one messed or pestered him after all.
Special Thank to Requiem17
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that picture is awesome
That picture... Beautiful.
It was then that day was marked forever in history the most greatest middle finger to a proposal(s) of all time.
Within the days to come, no noble of any lesser ego, lower rank, or great stupidity dared to seek folly in his presence. However, the realization that he's but a soldier who only followed orders also prompted them to never back Twilight against a wall another time in fear of making her desperate enough to even allow the cruelty that comes from the use of that forbidden name. The nobility had its first most scarring controversial outcome in a long time.
Prayers were made to those foolish enough who never heeded their peer's dire warnings, and hope that the Princess had a solution that's other than Him when they enacted a felony towards their dear princess. There's another thing for certain... The nobility has seen Tartarus.
Because never again, never again will they see sin the same way. Ever. Again.
Wonderful chapter. I was a little miffed that i couldn't access it originally but it's ok because it's here now. I wonder what silent said to mist. I hope he manages to ask pinkie about how she knows to call him a spartan but i doubt he will get the chance.
DANCE LITTLE PUPPETS DANCE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...
HA-HA.
4790122 I'll see to it
Hah! They will fear Twilight more then Celestia. Anger Twilight and you will get the demon!
GLORIOUS
lh4.googleusercontent.com/-NDS5suVeDps/T_7HgUlUSOI/AAAAAAAAACY/I5Y77cRU8S8/Do-You-Even-Praise-The-Sun.jpg
“Tell her that for some reason nobles are arriving at Ponyville for some reason and ask if she knows of something we can do,” Twilight said before Spike sent the letter in ball of fire.
You only need to say "for some reason" once. It sounds weird and is redundant to say it twice.
" He would forever have nightmares about this day as well as every witness present."
The underlined section could be "as would" instead of "as well as." It helps the reader fallow the slight shift in the direction of thought from how this would effect one pony to how it would effect many.
I love it!
I can't stop laughing! It's so wonderful to see this chapter! Mwhahahahahah!
this pleases evil belle
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BEST CHAPTER EVER
calling it now, this bastard tried killing Twilight and is now trying to get power BY BUYING OUT HER POSITION AND LOVE.
yeah... I think that guy's no longer a problem.
son of a bitch...
welp, now I don't need to say "Spartan, kick their asses" so... FIRE IN DA HOLE!
MY GOD, he's gonna use pepper spray!
that was anticlimactic.
MORE!? ts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=HN.608018595987128982&pid=15.1&w=126&h=126&p=0
Just to nail it into everyone's skull not to fuck with this guy, and to nail in he is fucking insane.
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LIGHTNING REPLY ROUND!
4789998
Perfect story ending to add to this
4790260
Yes, anger the princess AND THE DEMON SHALL SEND HIS SHITS ON YOU!
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now then, I can't wait to see what happens next.
I snickered a lot through out this whole story, but this chapter had a specialty in store. Nice work.
I'll remind myself to think or even say if the situation is severe enough, "DANCE, LITTLE PUPPETS. DANCE!".
I laughed so hard my bad eye started watering.
i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000028798397-cg7xcy-crop.jpg
huehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehue
praise the motherfucking sun bitches!!!!
the maniacal laughter was a nice touch, too bad he didn't have his assault rifle, that would have added more hilarity
4805633 You dont know how much I wish I had sent him in with some weapons or gadgets. Oh well cest la vie.
4806741 you can still send in a few, cuz, u know, fuck logic, it's MAGIC!
There's too much yes for me to deal with. My head exploded via endless laughter, and I was left with a monotone husk. I hope you're happy.
Our editor mentioned this story, so now here I am!
Awesome.
4789998
The realization that she wanted them to suffer was worse. For he-who-shall-not-be-named could have put them out of their misery that day, and was prevented.
this is the funniest chapter of the whole story.
Silent pepper spraying the nobles, flash banging them with flashbang grenades, and other riot suppression tools was just plain hysterical. especially when he's cackling like a mad man saying " DANCE PUPPETS DANCE!". 
overall i love this chapter
. Nice work on it.
I need to learn how to make pepper spray in case I get stolen from earth and dumped in Eauestria.
non-lethal grendes... chemicals... Silent, you have my respect. Now come back to this time and place and do it again. lethals authorized. thank you.
4840334
And that's why you "volunteer" for the SPARTAN program.
4793142
Caution: tear gas can seep through your screen.
Cheese. Cookies.*clicks on next chapter*
"Oh boy I hope there's a new pic at the bottom for this chapter!"
*scrolls all the way down when the page finally loads*
"...............dah fuq is going on here???....."
*scrolls back up and reads chapter*
"Oh that is bloody brilliant and funny! Pepper spray bitches!"
This is what I picture during the pepper spray scene.
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Also I thought the liquid used was piss.(note when jarred it creates jarate)
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4840134 pompas ass getting punted then a hundred more chemically assaulted.... screw story this is the best chapter of all stories on fimfiction
Is it possible to die laughing? Because I think I'm about to die!
Could have been a hell of. A lot worse. With all those chemicals he could have made made napalm,agent orange,or mustard gas. Wich can be madebwith common household chemicals
8890118
Chlorine (bleach) plus something acidic. 'nuff said.
Still, I'm pretty sure he was going for effect, was pissed off, and - frankly - quite bored. ;]