• Published 8th Oct 2013
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The Speechless Spartan in Equestria - marking



Stories revolving around an unidentified odd Spartan of the UNSC in Equestria.

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Christmas Special!

Author's Note:

Here it is, a Christmas Special. I finished writing it an hour ago. My editor hasnt seen it, its so raw you could compare it to the small granules of dirt that fall into an oysters mouth before they become a pearl in a very long time.
Be gentle, and of course have a merry christmas.
Remember its non cannon!

Christmas Special

“Come on Silent its Hearth’s Warming Eve! You cant stay cooped up inside the library every single day reading! You have to come out and let the holiday cheer into your heart!” Twilight Sparkle princess of Equestria told the human as he fully ignored her and kept reading and small little black book without a title.

“Look who’s talking.” Spike snidely commented as he walked past Twilight with a pile of books he had just retrieved from her room.

“Come on Spike! I stopped doing that ever since I got friends and came to Ponyville!” Twilight retorted.

“Not really, remember that one time you practically allowed me to become Applejack’s indentured servant because you were too engrossed in your studies? Or how about that time with the fire in the kitchen? Or that time when Applejack needed to help getting the applecart that broke on top of her? And how about that time with the demo-“Spike explained before his mouth was shot with a magic spell.

“I think he gets it Spike.” Twilight said flatly, “Nonetheless I still believe he should at the very least go out for some fresh air. He hasn’t left that library ever since the holidays started.”

Maybe its because every single time I remotely think about going out that pink diabetic marshmallow is waiting outside expecting a hug. Or the fact that all of you ridiculous ponies go into a full musical entendre for something as stupid as a single one of you feeling like you could be extra special about your god damned cup of hot chocolate.’ Thought the Spartan as he gazed into his cup of coffee and noticing it was now empty. He stood up to refill it when a single flash of purple magic took him by surprise as he looked down at the kitchen and finding the pot of coffee emptying itself on the kitchen sink as well as the coffee container being missing.

He looked towards were Twilight stood as she looked unto him with smug expression, “I know for a fact you cant stay indoor for long before you need your coffee or reading material!” Twilight said as another flash of magic blasted through the library and all the books including the one on the Spartan’s hand vanished.

Youre playing a very dangerous game kid.’ Thought the Spartan as he stepped towards Twilight.


(Carousel Boutique, Ponyville)

Rarity was having a wonderful day, as she had already woken up from a marvelous beauty sleep. She had already sensed the beat of music coming to her as she gazed upon the first snowflake falling from the sky and feeling her with inspiration and emotion. All the required materials to make one’s heart soar and the melody of it to become real. A quartet of violins was beginning to play before a bright flash of magic collapsed everything and Rarity found herself under a massive pile of books that seemed to lay in every single open space of her house and establishment. Rarity dug herself out and found a notes sticking on her hair that read:

Dear Rarity,

As Princess of Equestria, I Twilight Sparkle, ask for you to take care of my royal bank of knowledge for an indefinite time. Its for a good cause, I promise.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Rarity fumed at what her friend had just done before raising her hoof up in the air in disdain and screaming, “SPARKLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


(Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville)

The Spartan had raised up his hand in the air as his finger begun to count down obviously intended to give Twilight a sense of warning before the upcoming storm.

“Listen, Silent I know its hard, but you need to get out more. Theres a whole world of opportunities out there for you to grasp. I you maybe gave ponies and friendship a chance you might find yourself enjoying it.” Twilight explained just as the Spartan’s counter reached zero and lounged at her.

“AHHH!!” Twilight screamed in panic as the colossal soldier obliterated everything in its path towards her. She barely had time teleport out of the way before he rammed into the wall leaving a hole in it.

“Hey! I know youre mad but this is good for-AHHH!!!” Twilight was interrupted as chair flew at her just in time for her to raise a shield.

“You’ll thank me later, Bye!” Twilight yelled before she teleported leaving a scorched mark on the floor.

The super soldier moved towards the kitchen in search of anything that could help him search for the purple pain in the ass. Finding nothing he sighed in frustration before he heard the sound of foot steps behind him as he turned swiftly only to find Spike attempting to sneak away.

Spike froze in his place as he looked at him like a deer caught in front of a car’s headlights. He felt a slow chill crawling down his spine as he stared at the unyielding and unforgiving golden visor of the Spartan’s armor staring at him.

“Y-you k-know she m-might have point with the w-whole going out thing.” Spike attempted to mediate before he ducked and a cup sailed over his head and smashed into the wall behind him, “Oryouknowyou,maybeyourerightandyoushoulddoasyouwishasongasyoudonthurtme!”Spike frantically said as he ran out of the library.

The Spartan once more sighed and placed a hand over his visor as he thought of the possible things he could do now. Sleeping was sadly out of the question as he had already slept more than he should’ve attempting to hibernate past this ungodly diabetical season. Black Mist had gone home for the holidays to celebrate with his family as he seemed to take every opportunity to tell everyone how much he loved them in case the next day in service of Twilight Sparkle was his last, hence the option of sending to get more coffee and books was out. Aside from that, his laboratory had been seized by the equestrian guard after a certain idiot had stolen one of his Tasers and shocked Princess Celestia in her sleep. The draconequus was forced to eat his own spleen that night.

With all options exhausted the Spartan grumbled as he made way and grabbed a wooden cane that was set to the side of the door before coming out into the outer world. Were the populace stopped what they were doing and looked upon him. Sadly it wasn’t with expressions of horror and panic but of cheer and joy.

~The Scrooge is out, the love may have chance yet

To show him the beauty of joy, friendship and cheer.

May our happiness reach him, for this is something he won’t regret!~

Began a seemingly random stallion to sing as he slowly made way towards the Spartan as the ponies began stomping their hooves against the ground setting the tempo and allowing for the magical instruments of equestrian to awaken and begin jingling and bringin forth an upcoming song. That was instantly crushed as the stallion had attempted to crawl on top of the Spartan to sing a high note on his shoulders. The Spartan reacted by smashing the wooden cane against the stallions gut and batting him out of sight. The super soldier had learned during the first days that one of the ways to stop one of the orchestral numbers was by using blunt force trauma against the first pony that begun singing, hence he now brought a wooden cane with himself. If he had to beat ever single pony into unconsciousness before the day was out to get his coffee and reading material then so be it.

He didn’t take two steps forward as the ponies began running towards the center of town and music began blasting out of every single orifice the world had to offer. Ponies dancing and singing on rooftops, it wasn’t difficult to know that he had been too late to stop some moron from starting something. If the song was anything to go by, it all either started with a kiss or he found the last pickle in the fridge. This was going to be a long day.


(Mountain Everfree forest)

On top of the mountain a single diamond dog looked at the town of Ponyville as he cackled maniacally whilst using a telescope to focus on the homes. Specifically the gifts proudly displayed in windows. The diamond dog with his unusual white coat of fur blended perfectly into the snow landscape.

“Silly ponies, thinking they’re safe behind their crystal walls, leave all precious things for the taking. All soon will be mine!” the diamond dog said as he cackled whilst rubbing his paws together.


(Market Place, Ponyville)

The song had just finished as the Spartan was almost certain a vein in his head popped when some ponies danced around him and hanged bells around his armor, placed a jolly hat on him, and finally for a piece de resistance placed little lights on him. All involved are now tied up with those very Christmas lights and hang from the bell tower of Ponyville.

He had just arrived to his usual supplier of coffee when he spotted an infuriating sign depicting him with an angry face “Under order of Princess Twilight Sparkle, no coffee must be supplied to Silent Warrior unless he has six ponies to vouch for him being in the spirit of Hearth’s warming.”

The Spartan attempted to buy the coffee anyway but the vendor refused.

“Sorry friend, but the Princess was explicitly specific that you needed those six ponies to vouch for you. Even if I wanted to, there is a spell on the containers. Were you to steal them the coffee beans would turn to dirt the second they come out of the container.” Said the vendor.

The Spartan fumed before he grabbed a random pony from the streets and gave him twenty bits as he gestured for him to buy the coffee for him. The pony smiled before shaking his head and pulling out a decree that to degree made everypony unable to help him in that regard under penalty of law.

The Spartan began seeing red as he threw the pony away. He moved away from the coffee vendor when a new idea popped in his head as he ran off and hid behind a building keeping a lookout over the shop. He saw as a pony bought some coffee as she smiled and moved with some pep in her step away. The Spartan took this as his signal before following her down a dark alley were he jumped in front of her and snatched the coffee from her. He opened it to find the container filled with dirt.

“SON OF A BITCH!” yelled the Spartan in frustration before the pony he assaulted coughed next to him as he scornfully gave her some bits to buy herself more coffee. Apparently the spell was linked to him.

Maybe if I try cheating the spell instead of the system I can work my way into avoiding this plan of hers before I search her out and snap her spine in two’ , thought the Spartan as he came out of the alleyway. The Ponies in the town would most likely refuse to help him, but maybe he could use the aid of someone from out of town.

The Spartan sprinted out of town almost reaching the outskirts as he finally stumbled upon what he was searching for. On the very edge of the town there seemed to be a caravan of multiple vendors. He saw a magician attempting some parlor tricks to gain some quick cash as well as next to her being a brotherly duo selling what seemed to be hot chocolate that also made you relive old memories.

“Well obviously you three seem to lack the brain cells to fully appreciate an act of magic as amazing as the Great and Powerful Trixie brings you!” said unicorn that stood atop a box with two stallions and a mare booing at her.

On the side of her the brothers seemed to be doing somewhat good as a pony or two would come to buy their product. They seemed oddly intense about selling their product but it was just not catching on as ponies seemed to be especially wary of them. It wasn’t until the Spartan was in front of them that everything seemed to halt to a stop. The Spartan’s eyebrow rose as he could practically sense the greed coming out of both of them as well as seeing the bit signs form in their eyes.

“Would you look at this monstrosity dear brother of mine! Isnt it quite the interesting specimen!?” said one of the duo.

“Why yes good brother Id say he is so special id be willing to pay to see him. Such interesting creature would bring quite the flux of ponies!” said the one with the mustache

“~WELL! HOW ABOUT WE-HURK!” said the other brother as both hands of the Spartan grabbed them from the throats and raised them into the air.

“If you sing I will break you.” stated the Spartan

Both brothers gulped as they nodded in acceptance, the Spartan was about to release them when a snowball hit him in the back of the helmet.

“Let them go beast! You have managed to cross paths with your worst nightmare! And now Trixie will vanquish you with her unstoppable power!” she said as multiple fireworks blasted against the Spartan as well as multiple snowballs. Both brothers looked with hope towards the monster holding them expecting it to let go at any second. Instead when the smoke cleared the human stood still with his emotionless golden visor gazing into their souls.

He unceremoniously dropped them before grabbing his cane and whacking the great and power pain in the ass on her head.

“OUCH! What was that for!?” yelled Trixie in pain.

“Stop that.” Said the Spartan.

He usually would’ve been far more brutal but he kind of needed her for the whole fooling the spell thing. Once things relatively calmed down he managed to explain all of the parties what he needed from them before they either snorted or simply shrugged off his demand. The brothers were quickly convinced as the Spartan tossed a bag of bits in front of them. Trixie thought didn’t seem to be onboard just yet.

“You think the great and powerful Trixie needs your charity? Bah! Trixie needs nothing from lowly nuances like yourself.” She said before the Spartan grabbed the cane again. A few whacks later she was on board.


(Underground Ponyville)

The snow white diamond dog worked tirelessly as he made multiple tunnels all over the town setting everything up for his nefarious plan that would take place at night. The ponies would never see the horrors to come. They had been foolish and too trustful of everything and now it would bite them in the ass.


(Lake near Ponyville outskirts)

A single gryphon stood glaring at the pond as she huffed and puffed.

“Stupid Rainbow Dash! I try to make up for what I did and she blows me off to be with that bunch of dweebs!” the Gryphon said.

She tossed a rock as it smashed and tore a hole through the thick shield of ice that had formed over the lake. She looked away in time to find herself looking at the green armored legs of the Spartan who had in tow three ponies behind him.

“What in the Tartarus do you want beast!?”

This gained her a smack with the Spartan’s cane. Which resulted in her lounging at him before getting her ass handed to her as the Spartan whacked the shit out of her with his cane before explaining her his situation. Gilda was reluctant to help until a pony on the lake seemed to try and begin to start some sort of rendition to swan lake which made the Spartan stop in the middle of the explanation turn around, grab a block of ice and toss it towards the stallion before it hit a bullseye and knocked him right the fuck out.

Gilda laughed at this before the Spartan offered her to join him, she accepted under the condition he did that to Rainbow Dash. The Spartan had no problem with that.


(Everfree Forest)

The diamond dog had long finished and now all that he needed to do was to wait for the time to come. The ponies would wake up the next morning after he had done his job and cry at the loss of there precious possessions.


(Market Place, Ponyville)

The Spartan stood in front of the coffee vendor as with three ponies, one gryphon, and two dragons behind him. The dragons looked quite confused as a series of bumps were protruding off their heads. They seemed somewhat out of it.

“Im guessing this are your six vouchers?” asked the vendor

Spartan nodded before the vendor smiled and pulled out a scroll as he gave it to him.

The Spartan unrolled it as he began silently reading.

Dear Silent Warrior,

I knew you could do it! All you had to do was to believe in yourself! Do you now see the value and sense of frie-

The human didn’t read the rest of the letter as he ripped it to shreds. The Pony simply shrugged and gave him his coffee and the Spartan went on his merry way back to the library but not before stealing some books that were in the trash outside Carousel Boutique. The day was almost over and thankfully he hadn’t killed anything. He paid the brothers and Trixie and threw a rock at a several clouds until the Pony he was searching for finally fell like a prize. The Dragons stumbled back into the forest still dazed from the blunt force trauma applied to their craniums.

Everything seemed to finally be ending. Twilight never came back to the library due to fear of meeting a still pissed of Spartan and also because she needed to chew out Rarity for the sacrilege of throwing her books out into the garbage. None noticed the few rumbles the earth gave as the night went and since the Library was itself a tree the diamond dog didn’t consider anypony stupid enough to build its house inside a tree. A few miles away a zebra woke up and felt completely insulted.


(Next Morning, Ponyville)

The Spartan woke up to the sounds of hell, the rythms and chants of those not of this world. All of them demons awaiting to screw with his mind and break the fight in his soul. He stood up from his bed and moved over to the kitchen, hell could wait for him to have his first cup of coffee.

Once he was set the Spartan moved out to confront the abhorrent sounds that for some reason were just loud enough to make him notice them but low enough to give him the hope the he could somehow find a way to ignore them. He followed the noise all the way to the center of town where it seemed like a conglomeration of equines was taking place. All were hugging each other as well as having lit a small petite bonfire in the middle were the children played along each other around it. It more or less seemed like they were summoning Satan, and even then that idea would be a lot more pleasant and endearing that the seemingly diabetic and innocent aura they all exuded. It made him feel like he should join in and be friends with them; share kisses and hugs as well as compliments. Feeling this made him feel the need to kill everything in the vicinity, having been born and raised for war, death and destruction this went against his nature.

“Silent! There you are!” cheered Twilight as she trotted happily towards him.

She doesn’t seem scared or made at the least, she seems comfortable and safe. I must end her.’ The Spartan thought.

“I know we have our differences but I think that after what’s happened we should be thankful that we have our friends and let bygones be bygones. Who would’ve thought that a thief sneaking into all our houses and stealing our presents would be what united all of Ponyville in this beautiful celebration of love and toleration!” Twilight said with glee.

She just rhymed, and music seems to be nonstop as every one of this bastards frolics and sings in unison. I’m sure I burned her gifts last night but she also says a thief stole them and hence they are like this! I getting those gifts back and ending this right now!’ The Spartan thought seemingly ignoring the mistletoe Rainbow Dash was hanging between him and Twilight who was blushing profusely.

The Spartan simply walked away but not before pulling Rainbow’s mistletoe down to the ground with her along which hilariously ended with her smashing lips with Twilight by accident. Both ponies turned scarlet before running in separate directions most likely in search of a lavatory.

As this was going on the Spartan was looking around and asking some questions to the minions of Disneyland and they always replied with the same answer about the gifts seemingly vanishing. Some of the gifts were outrageously big, like a new pool table or a sofa. Such things would’ve caused a ruckus to still and if every single pony of the town lost their things then the only possible answer was that all things were stolen in a rush. The Spartan broken into a house in search for clues attempting to get to the bottom of this problem.

As he looked around for any clue like forced entry or scratches that shouldn’t be there he closed the distance between him and their tree decoration as the floor beneath him cracked under his weight and led him to fall down into a dark and damp tunnel.

So this is how it happened’, thought the Spartan as he turned on the floodlights in his helmet and armor.

~Silent Night! Holy Night!~

“Oh hell no.” The Spartan said as he moved away from the oncoming orchestra and stomped down the tunnel like a freight train.


(Undisclosed Location, Everfree Forest)

“Oh Rufus! How do you do it?” Rufus the white diamond dog said to himself as he chuckled and drank some more of a bottle of wine originally for a certain Berry Punch.

He nestled more into his new couch and looked at all the new things he had for himself. This was the best Hearth’s Warming Eve ever. His peaceful thoughts were suddenly broken as he felt a meta claw clasp on his shoulder before looking up and gazing into the soulless stare of a monster that could surely only come from Tartarus. And then everything went black as his fist collided with his face.


(Market Place Ponyville)

The ponies kept caroling and dancing before what appeared to be an enormous sized bag fell from the sky and on top of the fireplace immediately turning it off. The ponies gasped and walked away before the Spartan showed up breaking through the crowd and moving to the center of it. Behind him a passed out diamond dog was being dragged, its white fur now matted with dirt, grime, and blood.

“Listen up you bastards! I brought you your gifts back and the perpetrator behind it all. Grab your shit and go home, stop this fucking caroling of yours immediately or I swear by all that’s holy that losing your presents will be the last of your worries after Im done with you all!” screamed the Spartan

The crowd stood in shock before Twilight moved in front of them, “You can talk!?” she asked.

A stallion from the crowd seemed to finally catch what was going on before running to the pile to grab his belongings. Multiple other ponies finally understood the situation and before anyone was the wiser there was a massive free-for-all on the middle of the marketplace as all spirit of unity and love was broken down to greed and conflict. This was song to the Spartan’s ears as he finally walked away from the chaos and inside the library were he brewed another pot of coffee, sat down on his chair and began his reading.

Not long after Twilight came into the library with a disheveled mane and a few new bruises and scratches here and there, Spike clung to her back like scared cat as she didn’t say anything and simply went up to her room to possibly sleep. The Diamond Dog Rufus was never heard of again.

“Best Christmas ever.” Said the Spartan before taking another drink from his coffee mug.

The End.