• Published 8th Oct 2013
  • 13,076 Views, 934 Comments

The Speechless Spartan in Equestria - marking

Stories revolving around an unidentified odd Spartan of the UNSC in Equestria.

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Monster Hunting the Do's and Don'ts

Monster Hunting the Do’s and Don’ts

Four days passed since the Spartan’s display of unadulterated chaos. Ponies at first had steered clear from the library as rumors of it being haunted had spread. They didn’t last long though as the ponies were somewhat more accepting of disasters striking the town every once in a while. It didn’t mean they were fully back to normal though. They would still tread cautiously when passing by the library but it sort of helped that the Elements of Harmony had announced that Twilight wasn’t being taken hostage by a metallic monster straight from Tartarus that was so terrifying those who laid eyes on him would immediately start crying. Those rumors and other like him having the ability of blinding you with a single flick from his finger or making the very air you breathe toxic by a single thought of mind were also put to rest as Twilight had brought him to town’s square and made him formally apologize for the disturbance.

Formally apologizing was too generous of a word, because in reality Twilight was the one profusely saying sorry to the residents and explaining to them that the Spartan meant no harm (to them). At the very end of her speech Twilight asked the Spartan to back up what she had told them at which point the Spartan just shrugged. Twilight had to really, really, promise them that he was an inherently good guy and that he was just acting in defense of the library.

After that Twilight had to give the Spartan an especially large lecture about pony manners, social etiquette, what is socially acceptable and why it’s bad to throw explosives at the general populace. The Spartan would have to stand up multiple times and write on the chalkboard answers to ridiculous questions like what to do in case a pony hits him with a broom. Apparently, snapping his neck to promptly dispose of the threat wasn’t the correct answer. Twilight and Black Mist walked the Spartan through multiple scenarios at which Twilight acted as the attacker and Mist pretended to be the victim. They had to do it that way as the first time Black Mist tried attacking Twilight he accidentally tripped and ended up flying out the window.

The Spartan was fully aware that none of the parties were in any real danger, but it was fun to toss the night guard out of the library at mach speeds. Twilight promptly sat him down and began a presentation why it’s wrong to toss ponies. The four full days went on sort of like that, as well as using the aid of the other Elements of Harmony to try and make more complex scenarios. By the end of it everypony felt quite good about the progress made, as well as the Spartan’s compliance to sit through it instead of ripping their spines out with his mere hands.

It seemed like Twilight would be able to regain some sense of normalcy over her days, or at least that was until that fateful day happened. It was a regular day like any other and Twilight needed to go grocery shopping, and where she went the Spartan went as well as her ‘caretaker’.

“Do you really need to track my every move?” Twilight asked as the Spartan stood by her as she made to go outside of the library.

The Spartan had to resort to conventional escorting tactics as Twilight and Black Mist had made it very clear that it was inappropriate to aim at ponies with his crossbow from afar.

“Yes,” the Spartan said as he looked around the area, it seemed clear of any threats.

“I’m just going grocery shopping! What are you afraid somepony is going to try and steal my carrots?” Twilight asked a little irritably.

When I was your age I had already killed my fair share of covenant troops. You would be surprised the creative ways one can kill when his target has its guard down,’ the Spartan thought as he just kept looking around for any threats.

“Ugh! Fine! But make sure not to cause a scene okay?” Twilight asked before she finally walked outside.

I make no promises,’ the Spartan thought as he followed.

Outside ponies seemed to stand still as they watched the Spartan analyzing each and every one of them. Having concluded that not of them posed a threat he quietly kept following Twilight as she stopped by a few stalls and spoke to several ponies.

Twilight on the other hand had to re-assure every single pony she spoke with so she would be able to buy her groceries. It wasn’t before she stopped by the apple stand that she was able to take a breather.

“Good morning Applejack. How are you doing this morning?” Twilight asked.

“Good morning to ya sugarcube, am doing mighty fine thank ya for asking. How about you, the big guy giving ya any problems this early?” Applejack asked.

“Not specifically, no. But I can’t seem to get rid of that feeling of dread that I’m going to have to apologize to everypony again. That and me having to re-assure ponies that he won’t make them explode in flames isn’t making my grocery shopping an easy,” Twilight said.

“Now don’t fret none sugarcube, I’m sure that all those classes we gave him must’ve worked for something. And if by any chance he still goes rampant me and Rainbow Dash will have him down for the count faster than ya can say apple fritter,” Applejack reassured.

“I guess it would be good to put some trust in him wouldn’t it? I mean it’s not like he is just searching for an excuse to hurt ponies,” Twilight said which seemed to give her the encouragement she needed to continue her shopping.

Unknown to everypony in the market, the Spartan had grinned almost sinisterly after the last thing Twilight had said.

The rest of the shopping had gone by swimmingly as Twilight seemed a lot more relaxed than she had been when left the library that morning. The Spartan and Black Mist had been following her in silence the whole way, and though it did make ponies behave a little more nervously it had seemingly calmed things over the town.

“You know Silent,” Twilight said as she mulled over an idea, “If you can keep behaving like you have been today I might even take you to see Fluttershy so you both can patch things up.”

What the fuck am I a lapdog?’ the Spartan thought.

“This day has indeed been going exceptionally well hasn’t it Miss Sparkle?” Black Mist asked.

“What’s with the sudden titles and manners Mist?” Twilight asked.

“Maybe it’s because I have decided to adopt a more professional stance over my job. Or maybe it’s because we are in public and I know Princess Luna happens to have ears and eyes everywhere.”

“Well I wouldn’t say I would like to see Princess Luna angry, as a matter a fact there was this one time-“ Twilight said before being interrupted as the Spartan suddenly dashed in front of her and placed himself protectively as a sword collided with his vambrace and his shield lit up a little.

“What the hay!?” Twilight shouted in surprise as in front of the Spartan stood a pony clad in black armor.

“Do not worry Miss Sparkle!” yelled the iron clad assailant in a gruff voice, “I have been sent by Lord Banks to dispose of this fiend that has obviously taken you hostage!”

Twilight looked at the pony in shock and was about to reply before the Spartan once more pushed her away as an arrow collided with his shoulder and was promptly deflected away.

“Darn! I was sure I had him!” yelled another voice as a gryphon at the top of a house made itself known with a crossbow in its claws, “Don’t worry Miss Twilight, I’ve been specially hired by Baron Tightpocket to rescue you from this beast. I will not fail in my mission.”

“What in Celestia’s name is going on!?” Twilight asked before the Spartan grabbed her and Black Mist before jumping over an impaling attempt from the ironclad pony.

The Spartan then ducked as an arrow flew over their heads and struck a house behind them. Without hesitation the Spartan began running from the area with a velocity unlike both of the ponies had seen before. Houses and Ponies rushed like blotches of color as the Spartan ran towards the tree house.

Once they reached it the door slammed open with a rather big pony holding an axe in its hoof. It attempted slashing the Spartan before he found his axe being kicked with such intensity it split in two. The earth pony was barely able to process the sudden change of positions before a massive hand grabbed him on the face and tugged him out of the library. The pony flew out like a wet rag and smashed into the ground as the Spartan went inside with both ponies following him.

In there he searched for Spike before he found him apparently kissing a picture of Rarity in his basket. The Spartan didn’t question it as he shoved the young drake and the other two ponies inside the basement. Down there they found quite the sight as it seemed the Spartan had made the place as his base of operations as well as weapon manufacturing. There were large quantities of grenades and more gallons of pepper spray.

“Silent what are you doing?” Twilight asked.

As the Spartan took out a spray bottle he knelt and said while motioning to the trigger of the spray, “Aim and Fire.” With that the Spartan pointed the nozzle at Black Mist and pointed to his eyes.

Twilight looked quizzically at the bottle before looking up, “What is in this bottle?” she said, almost scared to know the answer.

The Spartan didn’t reply verbally as he gestured with his hands crying. Twilight gulped as she turned the nozzle of the bottle to a place where nopony could be harmed. After that the Spartan rummaged in the box before pulling out two similar objects. Objects that had multiple electrically charged gems connected to them. He looked at Black Mist before clicking a button on the new toy and then jamming the two small metal rods sticking out of it to a metal table from which electrical sparks blasted from.

“What have you been doing in you free time?” Black Mist asked, appalled and in wonder.

The Spartan had begun heading up before Spike yelled after him, “What about me!?”

The Spartan didn’t have time to make something so he simply grabbed a smoke grenade from the table and tossed it his way. Spike clutched the grenade as if it were a gift from Santa Hooves himself. The Spartan was almost out when he was once more stopped in his tracks.

“Silent, please be gentle with them. And you know what I’m talking about,” Twilight said as the Spartan sighed and took off the stinger grenades and dropped them. And with that he walked out of the basement and closed the door behind him.


The Spartan stood at the now silent and evacuated library as he made his way towards the outside world. These motherfuckers were apparently bounty hunters or hired guns and it was without a doubt who had sent them. He would be sending them back in caskets were it not for Twilight wanting him to be gentle. Of course gentle just meant they would be leaving in full body casts rather than in caskets, but the Spartan guessed it would be better than having another session of good manners were he would just turn on the armor lock and pretend to pay attention.

The Spartan saw the exterior devoid of that one earth pony he had the courtesy of showing outside. He wondered if the ponies and that one gryphon of mythology had gotten cold feet, of course his motion sensor told a whole different story. The Spartan pressed record from his helmet so he could later revise the attacking patterns of ponies and gryphons, if he was going to beat the snot out of them he would learn a little from them.

He feigned confusion as he turned his back on the aggressors as he grabbed the handle of the door with this hand. At once he ducked and just in time did multiple arrows struck where his had been a few seconds. The arrows themselves wouldn’t do anything to him even if they somehow depleted the energy shield they would never pass his armor. Acting as their shots actually counted was good practice as well as it would make them feel like they had a chance and allow them to give their all in the fight.

“DIE FOUL FIEND!” yelled a voice from top of him as he jumped and rolled to the side as a massive war hammer slammed into the ground. The minotaur holding it sure seemed pissed that he didn’t end it in a single shot.

Well isn’t this world filled up with a bunch of talking animals? I’m just missing them singing spontaneously to finally declare myself inside a Disney Movie. I really can’t wait to turn this movie into a rated R classification for gore and violence,’ the Spartan thought as he dashed and more arrows struck his position. A gryphon swiped at the Spartan’s position with a cutlass intending on slashing and flying away. The Spartan had a different plan though as he grabbed the overgrown bird’s claw and head before he redirected the bird’s path toward the ground. The gryphon screeched before it slammed into the ground rather forcefully and rolled away, leaving a trail of spittle, blood from a surely broken beak, and feathers.

The Spartan wasn’t able to enjoy the show as the war hammer from before flew over his head as he ducked. The minotaur had proved to move at a relatively fast pace. The Spartan took the opportunity as the Minotaur lost its balance after his hammer continued going without hitting anything to turn the minotaur around and kicking him in the back, sending the creature falling to the other side of the street.

The Spartan than blocked an incoming sword towards his thorax as the same ironclad pony from before stood before him. The Spartan grinned inside his helmet as he took out the home made taser with one hand while the other held onto the sword as the idiot somehow tried to pry it out of the Spartan’s grasp.

The Spartan pressed the button on the device as sparks flew off it and made the pony gasp inside its armor. At once he attempted to let go of the sword but it was already too late, the Spartan made contact with the sword. As the lightshow began the pony yelled in pain as the high voltage coursed through his body. His body fell limp as the Spartan grabbed him and dodged the arrows sent his way.

With marksman precision the Spartan hurled the ironclad pony’s body at one of the points where the arrows were flying from. A squawk from the bushes where the pony was sent confirmed the elimination of two thirds of his aggressors.

“Don’t you go forgetting about me lad!” The Spartan heard as the earth pony from before came into the scene.

After I’m done with you, you won’t be able to forget me even if you tried,’ the Spartan thought as he took out a flash-bang grenade and ignited it with the taser.

The earth pony seemed to anticipate the move as he quickly covered his face as the Spartan tossed the grenade in front of him before it detonated, leaving a faint stinging noise in the pony’s ears. He looked up with a smile expecting the monster to be stunned by his little gadget not working on him, sadly though the Spartan was nowhere to be seen. A small stomp behind him told the earth pony where he was as he crouched and bucked with all his might. The sound of a snap made him smile as he looked back but instead of seeing the monster crumpled on the ground he saw his whole body engulfed in sparks.

You piss me off,’ the Spartan thought as he grabbed the earth pony’s back legs and he used them to launch him in the air before kicking the stallion with enough strength to break its ribs as he was ejected from the battle field.

As the Spartan mulled over the thought that he had maybe gone a little over the line a war hammer smashed right into his head, blasting away the energy shield that was barely recharging. Silence reigned as he stood still and straight, eventually turning to see a now hammerless minotaur looking at him in shock. The Spartan cracked his neck as he stopped recording in order to not posses any incriminating evidence.

That last bastard was irritating, but you yourself have managed to piss me off,’ the Spartan thought as he dropped the taser to the ground and cracked his knuckles, ‘I hope you like the idea of artificial lungs big boy.’

The minotaur didn’t feel like standing to wait for the Spartan to make the first move before he charged at him with his horns. The Spartan charged as well before grabbing the minotaur by the horns and twisting his own body to gain leverage and tossing him into a tree.

The minotaur grunted in pain as he stood then screamed in fright as he somehow dodged the Spartan’s fist which collided with the tree’s bark. The tree’s bark exploded in splinters as the whole thing snapped and the top of the tree fell to the ground. The minotaur tried to punch the Spartan but his hand didn’t even make contact as the Spartan’s hand intercepted the fist. The Spartan was grinning maniacally as the minotaur’s life flashed before his life.

I’m going to give you summer teeth. Some are here, some are there,’ the Spartan thought as he twisted the minotaur’s arm and turned him over before he grabbed one of its horns and with a well-placed strike he snapped the horn clean off. The minotaur screamed as the Spartan walked slowly towards the beast fully intending to stab it in the heart with its own horn.

“STOP! Please I yield!” the minotaur pleaded.

Had I intended to simply put you out of commission this fight would been over five minutes ago,’ the Spartan thought as he approached the minotaur who now was dragging himself away from the Spartan.

“STOP!!!!!” another voice shouted as of all ponies none other than Fluttershy seemed to fly and stand in front of the Spartan with her hooves opened defensively.

Out of my way kid,’ the Spartan thought, ignoring the Pegasus before a tail seemed to wrap over the Spartan’s head and launch him away.

“Discord!” Fluttershy yelled.

“What? I was merely defending a friend? Is that so wrong?” Discord asked.

“That wasn’t nice Discord,” Fluttershy said as the minotaur behind them fainted as the adrenaline faded from his system.

“Oh come on, I’m pretty sure the big guy can take a little tossing aroun-“ Discord said before a fully powered hit from the Spartan collided with his face and in a shockwave the spirit of chaos was quite literally shot off out of town.

The Spartan stood there looking at his fist as it seemed to smoke.

“How could you?” Fluttershy said as the Spartan looked at her.

Huh?’ he thought.

“HOW COULD YOU!?” Fluttershy yelled as she grabbed the Spartan’s helmet and began to seemingly bore into his head as her eyes seemingly got bigger and irises turned more acute.

“Just because you are bigger and stronger than others doesn’t mean you can be a jerk to them! You should know better than that!” Fluttershy yelled.

Well aren’t you a funny little thing, do you tell kids the same thing every Sunday on your shows?’ the Spartan thought as he lifted both arms.

“What do you have to say for yourself!? I asked, what do you have to say for yourself mister?” Fluttershy asked indignantly while still clasping the Spartan’s helmet in her hooves.

The Spartan merely grabbed the hooves with his hands and pried them off, ‘First of all no touching the helmet. Second, you should see a doctor about your eyes. And third, if you want to file a complaint please make sure to send it to the HR department of Canterlot where it will be immediately ignored and forgotten,’ he thought.

“Well?” Fluttershy asked while still holding some air of the moral high ground.

“Fuck-off,” the Spartan said as he turned around and walked away from her and into the library, leaving behind a shocked and speechless Pegasus.

Inside the library seemed quiet and undisturbed as he knocked on the basement door and then entered without hassle. That was until Twilight sprayed him in the face with the pepper spray and Spike hit him on the side with the smoke grenade. Thankfully Black Mist hadn’t over reacted, or so the Spartan though until the guard ran out of his cover and charged him before the Spartan clocked him upside the head and sent the guard down into la-la land.

Stupid idiot,’ the Spartan thought as he wiped the pepper spray smeared in his visor and gave Spike the smoke grenade back, mentally making a note to never give the both of them any real weapons.

“So what happened back there?” Twilight asked with mild concern and embarrassment.

How have you not gotten the point of our situation by now?’ the Spartan thought as he groaned and walked upstairs to his favorite chair.

Eventually the town guard (The Spartan was amazed they indeed had one) made itself known as its only guard had to come down and pick the bodies and confiscate weapons as well as sending them to the local hospital to mend their wounds. Canterlot guards were then dispatched to monitor them and take them to the dungeon the second they were up and running.

Fluttershy had once more gone back to her cottage in order to regroup and then retaliate, or maybe just regroup and wait until it was all over. Whichever happened first. Discord on the other hand was knocked out cold with his face half buried into the ground somewhere on the outskirts of town. For the Spartan it had been a good day.

Author's Note:

I know it was a short one and took a extra long while to make, but school is coming and with me trying to figure out if I should live this semester out of beans and rice or rice and bean its getting a little difficult. Just saying as a heads up that chapters might start being reduced to one or two per week.

Special thanks to Requiem17 for editing.