• Member Since 21st Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 12th, 2020


Just a Indonesian gamer, and a brony too of course. Loves to write video games crossover and read it, I also loves to read some gores, romantic, sad, random, comedy and such things like that. Harrharr


The Radiant and The Dire has been teleported to Equestria because of the mispelled words on the Teleport Scroll!
What would they do? How they come home? Would they take peace?

(First fiction i've ever write and i'm from Indonesia please take tolerance of grammars if there any.)

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 9 )

Let me go through some main problems with your story, so you can rectify them next time 'round.
After a comma is a space. Example: "Nothing happened, for now." Can you see the little space after the comma? (,)
Next, is for fixing plurals. I notice things like

The faceless one said at top of lung.

when it should be:

The faceless one shouted at the top of his lungs

lung is incorrect because everyone is born with two lungS. When there's more than one of something, google the plural. I am not insulting, I had to do this a lot too.

And at the last few lines, you need two more commas.

Oh my, what is that thing?!

Fluttershy doesn't shout, so add exclamation points next to a question mark, hold shift and press one to get a exclamation point. (!). Incorrect spelling

So you all are some outworlder?

Correct spelling:

So, you are all otherworlders?

After every "So", use a comma. Example: "So, " but you wouldn't use a comma in a sentence such as this: "So I see."
Now, edit this and try again. This is not out of hate, saying you're terrible, I'm just helping. I needed help once, but I was also in school learning English, you weren't. I understand. :pinkiesmile:
Also, try reading big fanfics like Fallout:Equestria, Diary of a madman, etc. These will help get your spelling and grammar good, no offense.


Fixed,thanks you for understanding.:twilightblush:
I'll read em' for sure. Thanks again! :twilightsmile:

It's... kinda good, but really you need a beta reader my friend! Too many I's not capitalized, too many commas misplaced...

It's nice to see some more Dota crossovers on here, It was getting kinda lonely around here


Eh, I think I will make my friend to be a beta reader. I'll improve on chapter 3.
Thanks for the feedback! :rainbowwild:


Your story inspired me to make this story, y'know.
It's :rainbowkiss: .



Where is next chapter man? I keep refreshing the fic like Pinkie's mailbox :pinkiesmile:

3382437 sadly with my college work piling up, I'm gonna have to go with the standard blizzard response. It'll be done when it's done. Which, since i practically have the thing half done already, would be soon, possibly by the end of the month

3382366 i'm glad you liked my story, i'm flattered

Just for the "Carpenter Pudge" joke, you have all my lols!

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