"To the everlasting glory of those few mares blessed and sanctified in the curses and execrations of those many whose praise is eternal damnation." I'll typeset your story in ConTeXt if you ask.
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no
no you cannot
3177691
>TFW Luna can't use caps
3177691 DO NOT WORRY. THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE WILL CUM IN DUE TIME.
3178131 She doesn't always use her Canterlot voice.
That just sounds silly. There's also a derped paragraph separation above that.
3178852 That Royal Canterlot Voice certainly came once it arrived.
3624826 And it will "cum" again
Holy crap you're back from the dead!
I don't know if I'll read this, but I can always respect properly-typeset pornography. Though I wonder if two-column was really a wise choice?
6459272 It's already 26 pages; I'd have to have pretty wide margins and think of marginalia to decorate it if I went to a single-column layout with a bigger font. It gets hard to read when your columns get too wide. Why do you suspect that single-column is better?