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The midday sun vanishes from the sky and Princess Celestia is missing. Not everything is as it seems in Equestria, and a usurper stands to gain from the Princess's absence.
Any and all critiques would be appreciated. You can help me grow as a writer by being honest about any problems my story may have.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Not bad so far. Leaves me wondering: why would Luna do this? Was it really Luna? Could it be a return of Nightmare Moon, or the Changeling Queen? And whoever did it, why would they leave Celestia unguarded? Please join some appropriate groups and add this story so we know more of what it's about, especially given that it starts with a Romance tag. Is it headed for TwiLuna? Twilestia? Will we see some Badass Twilight? Also, find some cover art. A quick Google Images or DeviantArt search should do, or even just a screencap from the show. Good luck, stick with it, and enjoy!
I have spotted several errors when it comes to commas, but otherwise this is a potential filled story. I'm a little confused to a few things as to why Luna did this, why she did it so easily, and why if Celestia was using her magic to slow the bleeding she was able to send the letter. As well as the slight rushed feeling.
Besides the fact, this is good so far. I hope to see an update in the near future.
6475758 Actually, I have the next 8 chapters written, and the final chapter, (not to mention four other story ideas) but due to lack of self-esteem, no feedback from anyone I've had read the chapters, and a general hatred of everything I do, I don't know if I'll actually post them. :( My biggest problem is that I'm so unhappy with my writing itself that I don't want others to see it until I'm happy with it. The problem being the fact that I'll probably NEVER be happy with my own writing.
I really want to write a great story like some of the authors on the site, but I don't know if I'll ever be good enough to please myself, let alone anyone else. xD
I'll cut to the chase and say that your writing could use work. It feels kind of rushed and the characters seem somewhat out of character. You should also work on visual spacing. When different characters are speaking, having an empty line between those respective parts of the text helps a lot. There are also many spots where it could use rephrasing so it sounds better and flows more fluidly.
Twilight seems awful hasty to jump to the conclusion that Luna attacked her sister. Unless we're talking alternate universe, then I would expect Twilight to be distressed at such thoughts and suspicious of outside threats/influences given Luna's apparent redemption. Luna is very different in her behavior than NMM in the show. Additionally, any buildup of the story/suspense is destroyed by a convenient, sealed scroll from Celestia indicating where to find her. It's rather incongruous and would make a better ploy to draw the mane six into an unguarded area where they would be vulnerable than a legitimate way for Celestia to get them to come find her. Even supposing that was what you meant, it's unlikely NMM (if she is truly the culprit) could have faked Celestia's writing and had she been able to force Celestia to do so, why would she allow Celestia to escape on her own, even to a known location? Celestia's words in conversing with Twilight also don't seem at all like her.
Take this piece:
I would advise changing 'We have to' to 'We'll need' (we will) since it makes more sense and saying 'we won't fit in the carriage with the princess, either'. In any case the whole chunk feels very stilted and not like a natural phrasing or even entirely like what Twilight would probably say. I think she would probably insist on doing something and then, only being asked to explain or made to quit rambling, so they could understand why. From a more aggressive standpoint, I'd say you should be less expository and should try to write things out as the characters do them.
I think there is certainly some potential in the plot of Princess Celestia being attacked, but a lot of things come into play with that. For instance, why would she have been caught unawares and why wouldn't she just stay at the castle?
Sort of off sides here, but the 'train ride' isn't something that can take time to get somewhere. That would be the train. A ride is an experience or moment of time here, not a physical object. Also, you don't really have to say 'at the station', it would suffice to say 'as they got off, they saw more ponies staring at the moon.' Further, reiterating the point about puzzled faces (it's not hard to imagine it would be puzzling/distressing) also isn't entirely necessary, In fact one might expect that they would be panicking/suffering hysteria. It would improve this part if you added some dialogue either between the other ponies (discussing things and what they might mean and/or how they're affecting life at the moment. Ponies, like people, probably gossip a lot and/or converse nervously when things are off kilter. They might also try to talk to the arriving mane six (who probably look like they have a purpose/goal and aren't as bothered by the moon/sun issue).
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As to self-esteem and readers not getting back to you, can't help you there. Try not to hate what you do. You won't be able to improve it if you can't be at least a little optimistic about it. Writing a great story is not so much something that happens, I think, as it is something you recognize in retrospect. That is, you see, after the fact, that you have written a great story. Most of those authors, unless they are merely talented, I would guess, have probably done more writing than you'll ever see on here.
It's hard to evaluate the quality of a story when there's only two chapters up...