Pinkie Pie is bored. Impossible, Right?
This is a oneshot i did during study hall!!!!
This includes all my ships so if you can find them all you get a virtual cookie!!!!
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 5th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Feb 13th, 2014
That_One_Female_Brony
I am a female brony as you can tell and i love grimdark but hate gore in real life. I am scared of cars and the thought of getting in a car crash.
That_One_Female_Brony
Joined 5th Sep, 2013 ·
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Pinkie makes an OC?
Stupid idea, but it's executed well!
But it's fast paced. Try to slow it down.
3165288
Thanks im really trying my hardest! In fact Ive never written more than 3 paragraphs
3165321
LOL. Guess that 3 paragraphs was for a school essay.
3165331
lol
Eyuuup
3165352
At my school, we do 5 paragraph essays instead of 3.
3165389
Yeah most schools do but i have not written since 8th grade when i was going to a school for
3165401
I'm in eighth grade!
Anyway, good luck with your fanfics, and I'll follow you.
3165412
Oh good luck with 8th grade! Im a freshman! Thanks for the follow!!!!!!
3165424
One year ahead of me. Cool.
Freshman (or freshwoman.) is either in college or high school.
3165431
Trust me, you don't do 3 paragraph essays in college.
3165443
I think she's in high school, not college
3165480
Yep High School. just started
It's a little random, too many exclamation marks and maybe it's just because I'm not into Pinkie Pie but it felt like you were trying too hard to be wacky. But first stories are often times the ones that are the hardest to write simply because you don't have a feel for it yet. Give it time, practice and most of all read other stories to see how they're structured and you should be fine.
Two issues, beyond what was said above, is you're falling into the problem of telling instead of showing. For the first half she's not breaking the fourth wall, you have her speaking instead of showing us what she's doing. This might be a stylistic choice but a good idea is to avoid characters giving infodumps or literally telling us what they're doing as they're doing it. That's the job of the all powerful narrator. What you could have done was start it off with Pinkie doing these things, having the occasional speaking line to herself but getting more and more frustrated as time went by before yelling at the narrator to stop. She kicks him out, but now finds that it's too quiet, the implication of course being that the narrator was always there but up until now just a kind of background noise that nopony heard. Now that he's gone Pinkie can't handle the silence so she fills it up with whatever pops into her head.
The second thing is your punctuation. New thought or new speaker means a new line. If you're going for a stream of consciousness type thing you might consider getting rid of a lot of the quotation marks and just make Pinkie's lines be one long breath of air and consequently one long quote.
What's most surprising about all this however is that 3165288 actually appears to be attempting to give some constructive criticism. It's a good start, keep it up but you might want to look into giving a little more detail in future.
3165488
Yeah im not too good at writing, im more into reading and thanks for you critique! Im not good at portraying characters and I use the word "then" too much but thanks for your opinion!
3165488
Wow that storyline is very well written!!
3165488
3165513
Both of you are giving good advice!
Please dont fight!
3165506
As I said, first stories are always the worst and if I look back at what I wrote when I was your age I cringe. Don't get me wrong, creative writing was always one of my best subjects and more than once got printed up in the school paper such as it was but looking back at it I want to bury my head in shame.
I do find that you need to listen to the character in your head when you're writing them. See if you can hear them speak the lines you're giving them and if you can't, erase them and try again. It's not always easy but provided you can listen to your critics and use that information to your benefit then you could be well on your way to writing something better.
Good luck.
3165524
Me, yes. Him, no.
(Me and him are mortal enemies here, so we do this all the time.)
3165529
Thanks!!
3165532
Oh ok!
3165529
Well, thank god! He ignored me!
3165513
Don't ruin this moment. I actually said something nice about you when I could have ignored you.
And I defy you to find one review I've ever done where all I said was "this story sucks" unless it was to reference you saying it.
3165524
Sorry if you feel you got dragged into this, but he's got a habit of simply saying a story sucks then calling that constructive criticism. I have a load of screenshots displaying his rather blatant hypocrisy which I can show you if you so wish.
But in all fairness, because you asked nicely I will allow him the final word in this little exchange.
3165549
Oh, please. I have more evidence.
So, I suggest getting out of this while you still can or we'll be going in circles.
3165549
Thanks!
3165557
Not a problem.
3165524 Sorry to inform you, but your comment section is about to turn into a battlefield, unless the situation is defused quickly.
But consider yourself lucky, 'cause Theater didn't wrote a comment saying, "THIS STORY SUCKS!!!
!"
Maybe Umachan, or something something was right. He might act variously, depending on one's gender...
3165560
Yeah im afraid its a battle field. This is not to you!
STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!
3165560
I think he does act differently depending on gender.
Hahaha xD I love this!
3165580 And you know what that means...
3165580
Oh... Maybe i should have used a user name that didnt tell my gendern
3165587
Thanks!
3165590 Don't worry. It won't be long now until Theater tries to woo you.
3165588
*gulp*
3165560
I said I'd let him have the last word because 3165524 asked nicely and I'm not one to make girls cry. That's just the wrong thing to do and I avoid it whenever I can.
So I'm not responding to him here. I know what he's done. I've got screenshots and both you and Normal are also aware of his previous posts.
3165580
Yes, I did say that and while this could be an example of that I am hoping that it's because he's truly decided to change his ways. Yes I know I'm not normally an optimist but deep down I really want him to improve not just for Fimfiction but for himself as well.
3165598
He's never tried that with me, maybe she'll be safe.
3165601
Wow You are really nice!
3165601
Oh boy... the travel of Mentor Umachan continues. Yeah, good luck with that, because you'll certainly need it. Let's hope that Theater tries to drop a few prides of his own.
3165607 Depends... maybe because the relationship you two had was already afar, and hard to pull back... I don't know... maybe time will tell, or he for himself.
3165616
With me you effectively get what it is you give.
You've been nice and polite so far. Have accepted what's been said so there's no reason to be any other way with you. Now had you gone off, yelled, cursed and effectively stuck your fingers in your ears while yelling "LALALALALALALA! I CAN"T HEAR YOU!" then I'd be a little less nice and lot more harsh.
I wish you the best of luck in any future writing endeavors and you can always drop me a line if you have questions concerning things on general story design or stuff like that.
3165634
Thank You! I try to follow the lessons of the elements of harmony!
3165607
You're a little unattainable for him.
You're the kind of woman he strives to have and to get the attention of but knows that he has absolutely zero chance of it happening. So he'll do the best that he can and attempt to become your friend. In that he knows he'll never have you, but he can still be close to you in his own way.
3165621
I know, part of me is convinced that he will never change or at least he will once I'm long gone from this site. Speaking of which It's time for me to leave.
It's Friday night and Delta Kappa is having a bit of a bash so I need to get ready.
Later.
PinkieXSpitfire TwiDash Big macXFluttershy AjXRarity spikeXSweets RumbleXScootaloo LanceXAB LyraXLyra's right hoof. That's all of them wheres my cookie
should I read or should i go now? If I read it could be terrible, if i don't I will be troubled. So you gotta let me know, who the hell started this flame war?
I have now read the full story, and have decided not to worry, as stream of consciousness goes, I am glad I did not go. and just to rephrase, I am very glad I stayed.
Note that this is coming from a new member, so don't take my advice too seriously if you think I'm wrong.
First of all, don't overuse the exclamation mark. One is fine; there is no need to make five of them in one sentence. Only use it on thoughts or dialogue and when the character is acting surprised, shocked, and/or excited; for everything else, use the period or the question mark ( the latter should only be used for dialogue and thoughts).
The interrobang, or !? and ?!, should be used sparingly and only for cases when the character expresses extreme excitement or disbelief.
Thoughts should be italicized, and at the start of the dialogue should be capitalized. Along with that, there is also multiple grammatical errors.
Don't be discouraged, however. My conclusion: Proofread before you publish.
3166160
Ok thanks! I was also sorta on a sugar rush when I wrote it
If the OC belongs to Pinkie, you need to add an apostrophe s to "Pie".
Pie Pie's First OC (how it should look)
Good idea BTW-looks like a nice story