Pinkie Pie Makes an OC
Pinkie Pies First OC
It was a dark and rainy day. And Pinkie Pie was bored. She had just put Pound and Pumpkin down for a nap, and had no one to play with. Pinkie Pie let out a long sigh.
“I am so BORED!!!!’’ Pinkie pie said with gusto. Hang on Pinkie aren’t you forgetting something? “Who said that?” said the confused Pinkie. You forgot about the new computer Twilight sent to you!! “Oh, Yeah!!” She exclaimed while bouncing into the air and landing in the computer chair.
“Lets see… What should I do?” said Pinkie Pie. “I guess I will watch some PonyTube,” As she typed in the URL. She giggled at all the funny cat videos and prank videos so much that she fell out of her seat.
“Ow… That hurt my sides… Wait I should try typing ‘Ponies’ into the search bar.” As she typed it with her hooves she giggled some more remembering the videos. “Ok let’s see… Ohh!! ‘Pony OC’s!’” she giggled at the word OC. She clicked on the video and started to watch. It was a slideshow of Multi colored ponies with crazy accessories and strange poses. The music was ‘Giggle At The Ghosties”.
“Huh! I don’t remember recording that song!” She stared in awe at all of the ponies as they whizzed by. “Ohhhh!!! I want one! I want one!!” as she searched on Hoofle ‘pony oc’. A link to a page said ‘how to make a pony oc!!’ She clicked on the link and there appeared to be a game called “Pony Creator.”
She clicked ‘play’ and there was a pony that had no mane, no cutie mark and no tail. She saw the ‘random’ button and said “Oh! ponies say im random!!!”. She clicked on the button and a picture of a tall pink pony with dragon wings, a broken horn, a flowing mane with purple polka dots, a rainbow tail, sunglasses, a cutie mark with a galaxy and a pencil, a vest on with red-
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down mister narrator!!!” said Pinkie Pie. “I like it!!!” said the crazy party pony. She took a screen cap and posted it online with the name “Princess PinkFire!!!!!!” “Ok!! I think im all done!!! You can go onto other stories now mister narrator!!!!” said the Pink menace. “HEY!!! Don’t call me that!!!” said Pinkie Pie.
Alright Goodbye Pinkie Pie. “BYE MISTER NARRATOR!!!!!” I said very loud! Suddenly I heard Pumpkin and Pound Cake crying from upstairs!! It made me soooooo sad!!!! I ran up there and calmed them down right away!!!!!!! I then got to help the Cakes make cupcakes!!!! I love cupcakes!! Do you love cupcakes?!?
I love cupcakes so so much!!! I even wrote a song about cupcakes!!! Do you want to hear it?!?!? No? Well ok!!! I then got to go to Twilights house and I helped her stack her books!!! I accidentally bumped into a pile and knocked it down... I then had to leave... Well thats okay!!!
I THEN had to go see Lyra and show her my hoof trick!!! She wanted me to stay to watch "My big Humans: Boobs are Magic" but I had to leave to go help Rarity!!! She had me model for her and it was soooo boring!!!! When she was done she let me go!!! Yay!!!
I then went to go help Rainbow Dash prank Twilight!! We did a present with a pie in catapult in it!!!! It was sooooooo funny!!! She was pretty mad though.
Well I then went over to Applejacks to help her buck the trees!!!! Im not very good though cause when I do, candy apples fall instead of normal apples!!!! I then went and helped Fluttershy with entertaining the animals!!!!! I juggled some cupcakes on my tongue while I jumped up and down on a ball!!!
The animals loved it!!! We then all went and had a picnic on the top of the hill!!! Spike loved the diamond cupcake I made for him!!!!! It was a new recipe!!!!!!!! We then all had a sleepover at AppleJacks!!! Fluttershy kept sneaking off with Big Mac though… We don’t know what they were doing but every time they came back they were blushing.
Well when they came back they said that they had been dating for 2 years!! Fluttershy then showed us her hoof and it had a ring on it!!!!! They are getting married!!!!!!! She asked us to be her bridesmaids!!!!! It was sooooooooo exciting!!!! WOWIE!!!!! AppleJack hit Big Mac and asked why he didn’t say so sooner!!!!
Fluttershy then asked Rarity to make a wedding dress!!!!! It was soooooo cute!!!!!! Ohhhhh I hope they will be sooooo happy!!!! Im so happy for them!!!!! Im so glad they are getting married!!! I mean we all knew about Rainbow Dash and Soarin… I mean it was obvious!!!!! They thought they were good at hiding it but I saw right through that!!!!
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo thought it was gross when Spike started dating Sweetie Belle. It was so cute!!! He gave her a gem with the letters W-I-L-L Y-O-U G-O O-U-T W-I-T-H M-E? Inscribed in the gem!!!
Scootaloo is dating Rumble, when he wrote in the sky ‘will you go out with me?’ It was so cute and Apple Bloom is going out with Lance after they fenced!!!
AppleJack is going out with Rarity!!!!! Who would have thought?!?!? Im not going out with anybody. It makes me sad!!!! I love all my friends soo much! Well in the morning after the sleepover I had to go home and take care of Pound and Pumpkin!!!! They are sooo cute!!!!!!
They like it when I break the 4th wall!!! They giggle like CRAZY!!!!! I can jump from story to story!!!! They like it when I tell them stories other ponies wrote!!!!
They are so cute when they sleep they said my name in their sleep once!!! It was so cute!! Ok im done!! Ok well… Bye!!!
THE END!!!!
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Pinkie makes an OC?
Stupid idea, but it's executed well!
But it's fast paced. Try to slow it down.
3165288
Thanks im really trying my hardest! In fact Ive never written more than 3 paragraphs
3165321
LOL. Guess that 3 paragraphs was for a school essay.
3165331
lol
Eyuuup
3165352
At my school, we do 5 paragraph essays instead of 3.
3165389
Yeah most schools do but i have not written since 8th grade when i was going to a school for
3165401
I'm in eighth grade!
Anyway, good luck with your fanfics, and I'll follow you.
3165412
Oh good luck with 8th grade! Im a freshman! Thanks for the follow!!!!!!
3165424
One year ahead of me. Cool.
Freshman (or freshwoman.) is either in college or high school.
3165431
Trust me, you don't do 3 paragraph essays in college.
3165443
I think she's in high school, not college
3165480
Yep High School. just started
It's a little random, too many exclamation marks and maybe it's just because I'm not into Pinkie Pie but it felt like you were trying too hard to be wacky. But first stories are often times the ones that are the hardest to write simply because you don't have a feel for it yet. Give it time, practice and most of all read other stories to see how they're structured and you should be fine.
Two issues, beyond what was said above, is you're falling into the problem of telling instead of showing. For the first half she's not breaking the fourth wall, you have her speaking instead of showing us what she's doing. This might be a stylistic choice but a good idea is to avoid characters giving infodumps or literally telling us what they're doing as they're doing it. That's the job of the all powerful narrator. What you could have done was start it off with Pinkie doing these things, having the occasional speaking line to herself but getting more and more frustrated as time went by before yelling at the narrator to stop. She kicks him out, but now finds that it's too quiet, the implication of course being that the narrator was always there but up until now just a kind of background noise that nopony heard. Now that he's gone Pinkie can't handle the silence so she fills it up with whatever pops into her head.
The second thing is your punctuation. New thought or new speaker means a new line. If you're going for a stream of consciousness type thing you might consider getting rid of a lot of the quotation marks and just make Pinkie's lines be one long breath of air and consequently one long quote.
What's most surprising about all this however is that 3165288 actually appears to be attempting to give some constructive criticism. It's a good start, keep it up but you might want to look into giving a little more detail in future.
3165488
Yeah im not too good at writing, im more into reading and thanks for you critique! Im not good at portraying characters and I use the word "then" too much but thanks for your opinion!
3165488
Wow that storyline is very well written!!
3165488
3165513
Both of you are giving good advice!
Please dont fight!
3165506
As I said, first stories are always the worst and if I look back at what I wrote when I was your age I cringe. Don't get me wrong, creative writing was always one of my best subjects and more than once got printed up in the school paper such as it was but looking back at it I want to bury my head in shame.
I do find that you need to listen to the character in your head when you're writing them. See if you can hear them speak the lines you're giving them and if you can't, erase them and try again. It's not always easy but provided you can listen to your critics and use that information to your benefit then you could be well on your way to writing something better.
Good luck.
3165524
Me, yes. Him, no.
(Me and him are mortal enemies here, so we do this all the time.)
3165529
Thanks!!
3165532
Oh ok!
3165529
Well, thank god! He ignored me!
3165513
Don't ruin this moment. I actually said something nice about you when I could have ignored you.
And I defy you to find one review I've ever done where all I said was "this story sucks" unless it was to reference you saying it.
3165524
Sorry if you feel you got dragged into this, but he's got a habit of simply saying a story sucks then calling that constructive criticism. I have a load of screenshots displaying his rather blatant hypocrisy which I can show you if you so wish.
But in all fairness, because you asked nicely I will allow him the final word in this little exchange.
3165549
Oh, please. I have more evidence.
So, I suggest getting out of this while you still can or we'll be going in circles.
3165549
Thanks!
3165557
Not a problem.
3165524 Sorry to inform you, but your comment section is about to turn into a battlefield, unless the situation is defused quickly.
But consider yourself lucky, 'cause Theater didn't wrote a comment saying, "THIS STORY SUCKS!!!
!"
Maybe Umachan, or something something was right. He might act variously, depending on one's gender...
3165560
Yeah im afraid its a battle field. This is not to you!
STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!
3165560
I think he does act differently depending on gender.
Hahaha xD I love this!
3165580 And you know what that means...
3165580
Oh... Maybe i should have used a user name that didnt tell my gendern
3165587
Thanks!
3165590 Don't worry. It won't be long now until Theater tries to woo you.
3165588
*gulp*
3165560
I said I'd let him have the last word because 3165524 asked nicely and I'm not one to make girls cry. That's just the wrong thing to do and I avoid it whenever I can.
So I'm not responding to him here. I know what he's done. I've got screenshots and both you and Normal are also aware of his previous posts.
3165580
Yes, I did say that and while this could be an example of that I am hoping that it's because he's truly decided to change his ways. Yes I know I'm not normally an optimist but deep down I really want him to improve not just for Fimfiction but for himself as well.
3165598
He's never tried that with me, maybe she'll be safe.
3165601
Wow You are really nice!
3165601
Oh boy... the travel of Mentor Umachan continues. Yeah, good luck with that, because you'll certainly need it. Let's hope that Theater tries to drop a few prides of his own.
3165607 Depends... maybe because the relationship you two had was already afar, and hard to pull back... I don't know... maybe time will tell, or he for himself.
3165616
With me you effectively get what it is you give.
You've been nice and polite so far. Have accepted what's been said so there's no reason to be any other way with you. Now had you gone off, yelled, cursed and effectively stuck your fingers in your ears while yelling "LALALALALALALA! I CAN"T HEAR YOU!" then I'd be a little less nice and lot more harsh.
I wish you the best of luck in any future writing endeavors and you can always drop me a line if you have questions concerning things on general story design or stuff like that.
3165634
Thank You! I try to follow the lessons of the elements of harmony!
3165607
You're a little unattainable for him.
You're the kind of woman he strives to have and to get the attention of but knows that he has absolutely zero chance of it happening. So he'll do the best that he can and attempt to become your friend. In that he knows he'll never have you, but he can still be close to you in his own way.
3165621
I know, part of me is convinced that he will never change or at least he will once I'm long gone from this site. Speaking of which It's time for me to leave.
It's Friday night and Delta Kappa is having a bit of a bash so I need to get ready.
Later.
PinkieXSpitfire TwiDash Big macXFluttershy AjXRarity spikeXSweets RumbleXScootaloo LanceXAB LyraXLyra's right hoof. That's all of them wheres my cookie
should I read or should i go now? If I read it could be terrible, if i don't I will be troubled. So you gotta let me know, who the hell started this flame war?
I have now read the full story, and have decided not to worry, as stream of consciousness goes, I am glad I did not go. and just to rephrase, I am very glad I stayed.
Note that this is coming from a new member, so don't take my advice too seriously if you think I'm wrong.
First of all, don't overuse the exclamation mark. One is fine; there is no need to make five of them in one sentence. Only use it on thoughts or dialogue and when the character is acting surprised, shocked, and/or excited; for everything else, use the period or the question mark ( the latter should only be used for dialogue and thoughts).
The interrobang, or !? and ?!, should be used sparingly and only for cases when the character expresses extreme excitement or disbelief.
Thoughts should be italicized, and at the start of the dialogue should be capitalized. Along with that, there is also multiple grammatical errors.
Don't be discouraged, however. My conclusion: Proofread before you publish.
3166160
Ok thanks! I was also sorta on a sugar rush when I wrote it
If the OC belongs to Pinkie, you need to add an apostrophe s to "Pie".
Pie Pie's First OC (how it should look)
Good idea BTW-looks like a nice story