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Hardcore Parkour/Treefunning Freerunning8 stories ·22 members

Parkour Pony

Raven and Rainbow Dash are great friends they love to parkour together when a parkour competition come through Ponyville they are faced with the biggest competition of there lives

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MintyRest

MintyRest #1 · Sep 5th, 2013 · 2 · ·

This is the first thing I saw upon opening this fic:

square.Ponies

This is the second thing:

Square,in

This was the third:

“Here’s your bits”

All three are kind of grievous errors.

Otherwise, this seems to be atrociously formatted. You have punctuation all willy-nilly. You ignore basic rules of dialog, and the whole story just seems like a vehicle for how cool this 'Raven' character is.
So it's actually a bad starting point for an OC fic as well.

His relationship with Rainbow Dash by it's very nature comes out of thin air, and the story kind of hinges on it. There's no real room for growth, as you're showing us a character near the end of a character journey, rather than the beginning or middle.
Most importantly, the reader has little understanding of why this story is important to any of the characters. It's just another race fic at this point.

New speaker, new paragraph, every time.
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/ for today