Parkour Pony

by GuyDaBoomster

Chapter 1

A magnificent pony went through the air jumping and rolling on the shops and houses near the town square.Ponies watched in awe of the pony and of the fantastic tricks he was pulling off.

Through faint sight you could see a rainbow colored pegasus flying alongside the earth pony both laughing as they tumbled through Ponyville. After a while the ponies would stop and land in Town Square,in the earth ponies eyes was the best place in Equestria.

“Haha you are pretty good at parkour but not too good to beat The Dash!”, Rainbow Dash said taking a bite of her muffin from her saddlebags.

“Yeah you're good at racing but I’ll have Zecora turn you into an earth pony then you try doing parkour while i’m a happy pegasus racing you and winning.” “Here’s your bits”, The pony said grabbing two bits and throwing them to the Dash.

“Sweet Raven,wanna go get a pie from Sugarcube Corner?” asked Dash.

“Can I parkour there?” Raven said grinning like a school filly who was about to get a cupcake.

Dash smiled “Yes”, and Dash grabbed him and put him on a building.

Raven backed up and in one breath he was off his hooves getting faster and faster he got to the edge and leaped, and after that everything stopped and he fell to the ground.

FWAP!

Raven was left looking up at the magnificent clouded sky Raven curled up then he could only see his cutie mark. After about 10 seconds he got up and looked to the side Dash was on the floor, “Dash are you ok?” And it took Raven a second too long to realize Dash was on the floor because she was laughing too hard. Raven ran a hoof through his hair while the other hoof lifted up Dash.

“I think i’ll just go home Dash.”

“Oh come on! Can’t take a hit!” said Dash.

“No, I can I just wanna go to bed.”

“But it’s 4:00, Twilight is studying, Applejacks farming,Rarity’s designing something or complaining about dirt,Fluttershy is too shy to come out,and Pinkie Pie ate a bowl of sugar today.” said Dash

Raven sighed “Fine but no more parkour or racing.”

“But you told me to put you up there.’’

‘’You know what i’ll just parkour again.’’

Raven galloped to a wall and leaped he put a hoof on a awning and one on the roof,pulling himself up.

‘’See ya at The Corner!’’, Raven said galloping towards an edge After gaining enough momentum he jumped in midair he put his hooves out he descended and flipped onto the building. Still running he looked to his left Dash was flying right beside him Dash gave him a smile he gave one in return. Raven saw a look in Dashes eye he could tell something was going to happen.

‘’SURPRISE ATTACK!’’ Dash yelled Raven looked to his side only to see a Dashes hoof at his feet falling Raven began what his father taught him to do before he died, Slide, Raven quickly slid while tripping Dash as he ran away he turned back and looked at Dash and he gave her a smile of triumph.

=====================

Raven and Dash walked into The Corner He looked to the side and Dash started counting.

‘’5,4,3,2,1,’’

‘’HI I’ve never seen you before!, I’m Pinkie.

Dash shoved a hoof in her mouth ‘’Pinkie Pie, shut up you have seen him he’s just in different clothes plus he wasn’t with me.

Pinkie looked confused Rainbow removed her hoof from the ponies mouth “Now I would like a Berry Cupcake Blast and Raven?

“I’ll have a Sizzling Sundae please.” “Okie Dokie Lokie” and the pink pony went jumping off to the kitchen.

==============

As they walked out Raven noticed something out of the corner of his eye, a poster he turned around and approached it. He read and read again… then it clicked, a parkour competition two ponies minimum.

He galloped to Dash, he saw an opportunity of a lifetime. “Dash,there is a parkour competition this Saturday you have to have two ponies to enter, the winning team gets 1000 bits each!” He blurted out.

“Woah woah woah, hold your horses, slow it down.” Dash said to him.

“The poster over there! “ Raven said,

Dash walked over there and read it over her mouth hanging open “Hol-yy smokes! She said slowly lets sign up!”and they took the quill and signed their names.

“Well I will see you later Dash, i’m going home.” Raven said. “Hold on it’s Wednesday the competition is in four days, show up at my house tomorrow at 9.” Dash said looking as if she had a devious plan.

“Ok, why?” Raven said.

“You will see.” Dash said and she flew away.

Raven pulled himself up on a building and went home.

===============

That night Raven couldn’t sleep, he was so excited for the competition, when he did sleep he dreamt of failure and he woke up. He paced back and forth wondering what Dash had in store for him. He couldn’t help to not be scared what if he lost? He pushed those thoughts aside and thought happy thoughts “I can win, I can win.” He told himself.

He drank a glass of water. “My as well stay up its only, He turned to the clock that was hung on his wall. “4 in the morning?!” He said to himself in grief.

He turned on his television “And that concludes today's Equestria broadcast” The television said, and the T.V went black

. He sighed and walked into the pitch black kitchen. BAM! he slammed into a wall and broke a painting on a wall. “Great just great.”

After he picked up the mess, he drifted to sleep.

============

At Dashes house she lay sound asleep half her body hanging off the bed and drool coming out of her mouth. She was exhausted from setting up the surprise for tomorrow…..

Author's Note:

Thanks for reading next chapter soon! Please leave a comment on what you think. All criticism is welcome!

Comments

[MintyRest]

This is the first thing I saw upon opening this fic:

square.Ponies

This is the second thing:

Square,in

This was the third:

“Here’s your bits”

All three are kind of grievous errors.

Otherwise, this seems to be atrociously formatted. You have punctuation all willy-nilly. You ignore basic rules of dialog, and the whole story just seems like a vehicle for how cool this 'Raven' character is.
So it's actually a bad starting point for an OC fic as well.

His relationship with Rainbow Dash by it's very nature comes out of thin air, and the story kind of hinges on it. There's no real room for growth, as you're showing us a character near the end of a character journey, rather than the beginning or middle.
Most importantly, the reader has little understanding of why this story is important to any of the characters. It's just another race fic at this point.

New speaker, new paragraph, every time.
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/ for today