The Twinkie Group Collab!

by Drizzle Quill

Late - grimmred

Author: grimmred

Prompt: Late

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Twilight walked side by side with Pinkie down the dimly lit street to the library. They laughed and talked enjoying the walk and each others company under Luna's starry sky. They had just had a wonderful dinner at La Graine à Foin, Ponyvilles primer prench restaurant. The night had been perfect, with the exception of being threatened to be kicked out if Pinkie tried to sing another musical number at the table, and neither wanted to let it end.

"So here we are..." Twilight said as they reached the door. She stood on the doorstep and turned to face Pinkie. She couldn't look into her dates eyes, she knew what happened at this part if a date. She had read it many, many times in the research material she could gather from the library. "I had a lot of fun tonight" Twilight said looking intently at her hoof. At that moment it was extremely important that she get the dirt smooth as possible. Not daring to look up in case she find that it had all been a dream she flicked her eyes towards her date. Her eyes met Pinkies causing her heart to jump out of her chest. She quickly averted her eyes willing her heart to slow as well as her thoughts.

Twilight felt her cheeks burning as Pinkie spoke, "Yep, Ol' Ponyville Library! The place to go for: Books, Magic and End of the World Disasters!" She giggled at Pinkies joke and felt herself relax a bit. Finally looking at Pinkie she saw the beautiful grin Pinkie never left home wihout and knew that everything was going to be okay. "I guess this is goodnight then" She said smiling a little. This time looking Pinkie in the eyes as the blush returned to her cheeks. As they locked eyes everything stopped, time itself waited for these young lovers.

Pinkie stepped a little closer, "Goodnight TwiTwi" she said in barely a whisper. Twilight leaned in so that her muzzle was just inches from Pinkies "Goodnight Pinkie Pie". Closing her eyes she readied herself for her first kiss. That magical moment where she can melt into her special somepony locking lips in a chaste but passionate exchange of emotion. All the books had said so and if the books say it than it must be true. "Ahem" someone cleared their throat behind her and instead of that magical kiss she found herself holding on to one of the limbs of the Golden Oaks Library.

"You were supposed to be back half an hour ago" said Spike in a stern voice. He was standing in the doorway with his arms crossed. "I believe you agreed to have her back by eleven miss Pie" He said letting his protective nature over Twilight fuel the fun of being in charge. "Sorry Spike" Pinkie sang with a hint of disappointment. 'Rarity will be finding your baby pictures' Twilight thought biterly as she climbed out of the tree.

With the moment gone Pinkie Pie turned to leave. "Come by Sugarcube Corner Tomorrow and I'll get you some scrum-diddly-oumtious breakfast to make it up to you!" Pinkie said as she bounced away. Twilight stared at Pinkies retreating flank for a minute more before going inside, "Goodnight Spike" she said as she shut the door. "Uhh, Twilight?" Spike asked in a worried tone.

"TWIIIIIIILIIIIIIIIIGHT!"

Comments

[Midnight herald]

I do kinda like the idea of Spike playing the irritable chaperone here, but I think it would work better overall if Spike were more worried, maybe that if they were 30 minutes late something had happened to them. Maybe.

[LDSocrates]

I think the narration itself is okay, and I really liked the characterization, a few turns of phrases, and Spike getting to be in a position of authority for once. It was overall pretty nice. However, the mechanical errors (missing punctuation and random capitalization, mostly) really detracted from the experience for me.

[Blue Dragon]

Looks like you're getting better. I liked the premise for this one, and the characterization was pretty good. (Spike's appearance was great, and especially how Twilight thinks about showing Rarity his baby photos. ) There were some grammatical errors all around, and I'll go ahead and explain some of them to you so you understand what they are. First off, the dialogue.

"You were supposed to be back half an hour ago" said Spike in a stern voice.

I'd like to commend you for not capitalizing "said", as that is a common mistake. However, there needs to be a comma after the dialogue (after "ago"). That goes with all dialogue that has a tag afterwards, though in some cases you can use an exclamation point instead of a comma. There were some words that were capitalized when they shouldn't be, (Come by Sugarcube Corner Tomorrow...) and a few more places where commas should be, but aren't ("So here we are..." should have a comma after "So"). However, you are improving and the only problems I see are technical. Good job!