Author: Alicorn8
Prompt: Ex-Girlfriend
Pinkie Pie was working in Sugar Cube Corner. She wiped of the counter, being extra careful not to knock over her picture of her and her loving mare friend Twilight. Suddenly the door swung open.
"Come in!" Pinkie called. She looked up from her cleaning and saw it was her friend Rainbow Dash. Pinkie was surprised. She hasn't seen Dash since they broke up.
"Hi Pinkie... Can I talk to you?" Rainbow asked.
"Of course!" Pinkie said putting down the towel and walking over to Rainbow.
"We'll, you see, it's about that week. You know, when we broke up." Rainbow confessed avoiding eye contact.
Pinkie wasn't sure how to respond. Luckily Rainbow continued.
"Why did you break up with me? I really liked you." Rainbow asked.
Pinkie looked at her hooves, the said, "Because, I didn't feel like it was working out. Especially when you were excepted into the Wonder Bolts. It seemed like we never got to see each other. And, well, I really love Twilight. I feel like we were meant to be with each other, and" pinkie stopped. She could tell that she really hurt Rainbow Dash.
Dash's eyes were filled with pain.
Pinkie's eyes began to cloud. "Dashie, I-I'm sorry I" "No" Dash sighed. "I'm sorry." Dash turned and headed for the door.
Pinkie tried to call her back. "Dashie, wait."
"Why? What else do you need to talk about?! You have already hurt me, so what else?" Rainbow cried.
Pinkie just silently stared at her friend. Rainbow turned away again and took off into the air. Pinkie stared blankly at the sky where her ex disappeared. Eventually, Pinkie turned to get back to what she was doing, cleaning the tables, trying not to cry on them as she cleaned.
As I said in the forum, aside from some errors, I overall liked this one. All the same, now that I read it again, it seems a bit... simplistic. It goes over the basics of hurt feelings over an ex, but the dialogue and their actions keep it basic and don't make it feel very real. Bottom line, it could be better.
Alright, time to get back to my reviews and cluttering up Drizzle's notifications. Ah, what fun.
So, about this story. It seemed pretty short to me, even for 500 words. It seems almost like we're being told everything - Pinkie was sad, Rainbow was hurt, tears... My constructive criticism would be to try and show these things. Rainbow must've been nervous asking about something like that. Her wings might rustle, she'd scuff her hooves, maybe even say some words of encouragement to herself. "You can do it, Dash..." That would build suspense for her question. And maybe some insight as to how Pinkie was feeling about it would've been nice. Or some detail about the past that'd make this as emotional as Dash seems to feel.
This isn't bad, but it could be better. I think this could've been a really sad scene if more emotion was put into it instead of just action/dialogue. Good job, though. I hope to see more entries from you.
It could be better (as in more detail into the relationship) other than that, one word, feels. ( even though it may have done better there to)
Its supposed to be accepted