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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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8886555
Just a heads up; I've not got enough time right this second to give a full read of your reviews, but I absolutely appreciate them beyond what words can express! I promise I'll get to reading them later, thank you very much.
Also, I did see briefly about the 'hand' issue; WHOOPS! Nice catch. I'll fix that when I read the rest of your comments, and I'll respond properly ASAP! Promise! Thank you again!
P.S: Please don't hate me for the quality drop after the rewritten chapters run out. I'll eventually have them all rewritten, but my creative spark has been faulty lately, though things are hopefully starting back up soon. I'm feeling a bit better in myself, so that should fix the issue.
8888616
First of all, I'm really incredibly sorry its been so long. I went through a stage where simply opening FimFic was just too daunting for me; not because of your posts, but my own issues to deal with. Anywhoo, now I'm pulling myself back together, I'll read & reply as I read.
The clouds issue:
Crimson can't play around in the clouds for long in the slightest, and yes, the skies are completely overcast all the time - but at least how I imagine it, there would still be the ability to move clumps of heavier cloud. I don't imagine it as a completely uniform thickness that's flat and featureless. This has never (so far) been stated in the story but a lot of the land where my story resides is simply cloud farmland - not something that eyes everywhere watching for the slightest disturbance. Mind you, you are right, if Crimson was to mess around with the clouds too much and/or for too long, he would absolutely end up being hunted down.
Crimson's overly sexual nature (and success) is a choice which, at the time, I justified to say "here's an example of who he is, what he's capable of. He's a ladies man so lets show it." Do I think that it was the right choice? Not entirely, but at the same time, the concept... well, it works. When I did my rewrites, I chose not to remove some vital moments like those because I was more focused on the writing style and grammar than I was the content's premise itself. The oversexed phase ends after chapter two, but sexuality is a integral part of Crimson.
As for running to Kkat asking for permission; at the time of originally writing and releasing Broken Bonds, FoE fanfiction wasn't in the stage it is today. Broken Bonds is listed as story 143, which means it might even *potentially* be even sooner than that (depending on when it was noticed and listed) and at that time, the vast, vast majority of those were literally unheard of. Asking for permission to build on her world just felt like the right thing to do. As for stepping away from Project Horizons; I regrettably included some references, but made sure to blur the worst of them out of the fic some time later. The world space of Hoofington itself is fine, seeing as its a canon location regardless (Trixie), but references to Blackjack and co... yeah, not so keen on those.
The other thing was I'd spoken to Kkat to ask what she thought on the concept of Four Ridges trading food and water to FillyD. I didn't want to go and make big impacting changes on original canon but Kkat agreed that such a thing is far from a problem regarding the original lore (and I did make sure to consider whether it would work out as such before even asking her about it.)
The ponies jumping out of Crimson's way when flying... well, I'm not trying to argue with you on this matter, but that's something I'd never noticed before. Going off the show, it doesn't look like their wings are wide enough for five ponies to fit in the space. Three? Sure. Five? I dunno. By my headcanon, I'd say it is the 2.5 - 3 ponies wide if you measure tip to tip fully extended, so that's why I wrote it like that. As for the single pegasus stable - whilst not wanting to spoil anything, this is a matter that comes up in discussion much, much later in the story, though it holds no particular importance to the story itself, and if you ever do make it to that point, I'm sure you'd appreciate that moment at least.
Grammar issues are something I'll have to go back and fix. Thanks for pointing those out!
And yes, I really have to admit I have an issue regarding the formatting for time passing. I've never truly been able to decide how to handle it and done a dual system where if it was merely an hour perhaps, I use double space between paragraphs. For something like half a day, I use the whole break scheme. It isn't ideal and I really ought to go back and choose one and stick with it, but I just haven't ever had it in me to decide what the hell I'm doing with that. Sorry, I know it isn't ideal, I just... yeah.
Onto the chapter two comments...
Being prepared for someone to climb on top of you and being lost in a world of your own thought and planning - only to have someone half jump on top of you - are absolutely two different things. Also, as lovely as constantly flirting would be, Crimson is aware that there's places to be and ponies to see.
As for the lake; it isn't super deep or large, and hell, you could probably classify it as a pond, but if I was to write it as pond, the image conjured in the minds of many would be of a small pond you'd find in the average upper-middle class garden with just a couple of fish in there or something. Regarding the classification difference in the two; there is no scientific means to determine when something is a pond or when its a lake, so perception is key.
As for how much water is there; not anywhere even close enough to sustain 2,000 ponies and enough farmland to feed said ponies (and more with trade!) for very long at all... not to say it isn't a very fair point/question you make.
I can't argue that invisibility spells aren't OP/Mary Sue territory, you just have to decide for yourself whether its worth the read and whether it really does make her OP/Mary Sue once the full extent of its use becomes more apparent.
Who loves morphine? Morphine addicts. Who loves med-x? med-x addicts. Crimson loves med-x? ...you get the idea.
Culture differences. Hunny, in the UK, isn't exclusive to husband in the slightest. Not even child, or someone you even love. There are plenty of women who use the terms "love", "hun", "hunny", "babe", "darling" and so on as a mere expression rather than some attempt to show affection as such. There is absolutely zero interest in incest between these two.
Regarding your final comments; I apologise, and though it wasn't intentional wish fulfilment, I have in the years since looked at it and realised that it could've subconsciously been so. And like I say, when I rewrote it, I kept all of the basic storyline the same; only updating the grammar, writing style, formatting and so on.
A part of it is I'm a big fan of the ancient greek style of stories rather than the modern American style. Whilst I can appreciate a good underdog story, I prefer a big damn hero story. I look for a character that can be all this and all that whilst still needing time to grow into all they truly can be. Making Crimson so successful was one of my choices in expressing that.
As for the pacing, I agree its slow at the start, but I really felt like I had to build up some level of reasoning for the reader to understand why Crimson cares so much. I don't like the idea of simply saying "this was my home. Now I have to go. bye home." I want it to feel somewhat connected, even if the majority of the story doesn't directly focus on how things are back at home.
Its only fair you feel that way, and I'm sorry that it was tougher to deal with chapter two. I don't know if you got through chapter three obviously, and I apologise for the old, raw chapters which desperately need to be rewritten but thus far haven't gotten the love they could've used. One day I'll go back and finish doing all of that, and I did/still do have chapter four somewhat rewritten, but after taking yet another knockback, I've got to focus on the new chapters of the story first and foremost before going back to the oldest chapters. If I don't, I don't know if I'll ever end up finishing Broken Bonds, and I know now I must get it done.
I really hope you do manage to stick it out through thick and thin and get through the worst of it all (it picks massively up after chapter 10, but most people are hooked before then). If you're willing to forgive my old, almost teenage self (I originally wrote this when I was only 21 and still felt like a child...) then you'll find why many people fell in love with the characters and concepts, even through the flaws.
If not though, I can't blame you. I found it exceptionally hard to re-read my story at times, so I couldn't possibly hold it against anyone who does give up on it - but I promise it gets so unbelievably better.
8937106
I know that it is a dick thing to say, but yea I am not gonna hang around 8 mediocre chapters to get to the 10th where it gets good. Its (roughly) 120K words in, about the same length of the earlier Harry Potter books, and sorry if someone came up to me and said "Read the first Harry Potter book, the series gets good from mid second one" would I have very gently said "no thank you."
With me having gotten a job do I not have as much spare time as I once had, and the reading time that I now have would I rather spend on stories that are better written than yours, no offence.
I hope that my comments have been motivational to go back and fix some of the mistakes there is, as you say are the first chapters written by your child self, and now as a grown-up do you know better and can improve on them.
8942488
Not a dick thing at all. Can't blame you when I admit that the earlier, original chapters need a total rework. Thank you for putting in the time you did to begin with and giving me the feedback you had!
9016592
Oh man, I've missed seeing your posts. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've been going through an emotional rollercoaster as of late and that's left me unable to write, but I can feel myself getting back to that stage.
That goes double now I've seen a picture I recently commissioned off of my favourite artist finally revealed.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/6/30/1769785__safe_artist-colon-brisineo_oc_oc-colon-eos_oc+only_fallout+equestria_alicorn_backlighting_bedroom+eyes_fallout+equestria-colon-+broken+bonds_f.png
As well as the not too long ago piece that someone else had commissioned of the one scene I had always, always, always wanted to see commissioned - by the very same artist.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/5/19/1736100__safe_artist-colon-brisineo_oc_oc-colon-cherry+sundae_oc-colon-crimson+wings_oc-colon-eos_oc-colon-helios_oc-colon-selene_oc-colon-titan_fallou.png
So yeah, its time for me to re-read my fic (again) and kickstart that writing once more. I will get this fic finished, 100%, so long as I don't end up dead beforehand by something out of my control.
9017148
Holy god you updated the story. Nice on you, man.
I saw your Broken Bonds commission post on DA. Once I saw the DA post I rebooted my dead account here on FiMfiction to see if you'd updated this story, and wouldn't you believe it the story did get an update.
I'll check it out, for old time's sakes.
9018141
Awesome to see your return! I've been trying to write more, but lately whenever I have had a spark of inspiration, I've either been too tired to follow up on it, about to go to work, at work, or commitments are dragging me away from writing.
I will get more written, I have plans, I just have to get to work on doing it and stop letting distractions get in the way when I am free.