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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Dang 10k words, I will have to read laterz.
305817
I like to challenge myself, see a decent amount of content put into each and every chapter.
Once I've had something to eat; I'll finally be able to return the favour and continue with yours
An interesting thing about this chapter; it could've gone on to 15,000 words quite easily had I not cut some content which I had planned. However, with the last chapter having been released so long ago I simply felt that this needed to be out ASAP.
Interestingly in a way, I find that it helps that it cut here, because it adds a much more epic dynamic to it - ending with a bang (literally).
Don't worry though - the content I've cut isn't going to be thrown away by any means, I think it would probably work better probably in the next chapter then it would've this chapter, because like I say - epic ending with epic soundtrack to go along with it.
What this means is that I've got another epic ending for the next chapter if I just work it into that kind've format - which is far from a hard task to do with how general and broad the idea is.
Another thing to note is this chapter is 100% complete, with no apparent need for brushing.
Of course, I will look over it to make sure that if there's anything I've missed somehow - I will tackle the problem, but other then that, I've been formatting it as I go and doing my best to iron out any problems I notice.
Though as per usual - I don't have an editor because I'm too self sufficient, and thus if you find anything - let me know. I'm happy to hear and fix anything that doesn't work or isn't explained properly.
Hail to the Crimson Executioner! (Was it over-dramatic?) Anyway, it's good when we have MC with no remorse about wicked souls.
Nice chapter. BTW, music, is it yours? Really good, but...ether microphone too close or it's too loud, at some point there are too much noise.
Keep going, Kipp, keep going
305919
The music was a recording from a friend done over vocaroo with my input on how it should sound.
I have pretty much no musical talent, though I am a keen listener [of course, aren't we all?] and with his knowledge and my inspiration, we made a song together.
So yeah, the recording could've been done a whole lot better if we had suitable hardware for it, but given the circumstances I think it went pretty well.
and YES! finally someone else understands my viewpoint and plight about all the god damn main characters who can't/wont execute.
I haven't read a lot of pink eyes, but puppy smiles is forgiven for being a little child, she has no place being an executioner and that's perfectly fine.
Littlepip wouldn't do it because of her nobility and greater cause, besides, she never truly runs into anyone horrible enough to do such an act.
Blackjack (Security) simply wont. she wants to save ponies, and refuses to play executioner.
Crimson? He's noble as fuck, but by god, sometimes, justice must be brought
"To punish the wicked. Be they the sons of men. Lords of heaven. Or the dregs of hell"
If you wanted to change, you would've done so a long time ago, rather then waiting for the day of justice.
Good chapter. I will criticize the battles though. Crimson's pistol does not seem to conform to what a .38 bullet would do. He is also very accurate compared to what I'd suspect of a buck fresh out of a pampered life. Nice inclusion of AJ's Rangers, bein' all good n' stuff. There is some missing punctuation, but it is readable. I actually liked an execution for a change, and a bit of connection between the two fics. Is 'ZARDOS' a reference to something? Interesting encounter, to say the least. Crimson reminds me of myself in a few ways, mostly differing in charisma and ease of relationship formation.
306322
Good criticism on the gun part - I honestly don't know much about guns and was basing this off fallout 3/new vegas.
Do you have any particular suggestions for what calibre would be more appropriate?
Zardoz is a film. The best I can do to show you is to give you this video, and tell you to make sure it skips to 50, 1:26 and then to 6:00
Crimson is... a part of myself in a lot of ways, like you he makes marefriends a lot easier, but that's because neither of us are the son of the leader of our community with one exceptionally unique trait about us, I presume?
306322
Oh, also, Crimson may have been pampered, but by no means was he naive to guns / gunplay.
I'm pretty sure I mention it in either chapter 1 or 2, but he trained alongside the ponies of Tank in general target practice, as well as getting some practice on the wolves before his big fight at the end.
The trouble is he seems accurate; but he has got SATS helping him out. I just don't feel the need to mention it every single time he has a fight otherwise every fightscene would be "I slipped into SATS, I slipped into SATS. I slipped into SATS"
that's something else that helps him out.
plus the fact that all his attacks are close range, he flies right up to the targets before firing. though I know this part isn't clear, again, its not something I much wanted to bog down the combat scenes with.
306369
.45 ACP/Auto would suit it more. it has more stopping power than most 9mm projectiles, aside from .357 Magnum, a primarily revolver cartridge. I am a gun nut, something I take pride in.
A bit of extra detail could help, like mentioning that he used SATS a few times during an engagement, and that he flew/hovered very close to his targets.
You misunderstood. I cannot form new relationships at all without a common friend, much less be remotely interesting to my female peers. I have never had a girlfriend. I am not exactly sure why I relate to Crimson, I just... do.
My father owns a successful business, and i have a twin, do those count?
307106
Strangely, my original write up was that I gave him a .45 but decided it'd probably be too powerful a weapon.
however, since having played honest hearts DLC for new vegas, I've had a chance to experience a .45 auto
Seemed a pretty decent gun.
as for Crimsons gun skill; at the end of chapter two he has 38 guns, end of chapter three he has 41 guns.
end of chapter four I plan for him to reach 50 guns
My only worry is - is a 45. Auto too powerful for a starting weapon? admittedly, he's coming from a community which is well equipped, defended, completely capable of handling itself, it trades with settlements all over Equestria... but I did get the fun from a raider in chapter 1 after all.
I suppose with a rewrite I could have it that he sells the 9mm while he's at Opal, buying a 45.
Though at again... maybe its not too uncommon to see a 45. on certain raiders?
Hmmmm.
Give me your thoughts, I'll consider it all come tomorrow once I've had some sleep, see if I can decide the best course of action.
As for the rest; again, thank you for all this. not having an editor means that I literally don't have any of these remarks come towards me until it's released, so that's something I'll have to look at and explain in further detail once I've had some rest.
This is the kind've stuff I need - constructive criticism which gives me something I can actually work off, rather then just "It's shit, I don't like it."
Telling me what doesn't work, why it doesn't work, and what you don't get helps me grow. So thank you.
Lastly;
Could it be the sense of humour then? Again, Crimson carries my cheeky sense of humour, and gets away with it with a very boyish charm [just as I do]
Being the son of a successful businessman kind've counts I suppose. though not to the same extent, unless you're famous for it =P
307165
First off, how about Fallout's substantially longer 10mm(.40) cartridge? It is a good way to break even.
I'd never give criticism that was intentionally useless or hurtful. I am very glad I can help out.
Haha. I'm not famous for being my father's son, nor do I have a particularly active sense of humor. I like irony. I just have no idea how I relate to Crimson.
307293
Yes, that'd be a very easy change to make without massively effecting the whole story. I was worried you were going to say that a 9mm gun would do a lot more damage at first!
Changing it over to 10mm now and I'll be giving the fight scenes a little bit of an edit (noting SATS helps and how close he is) once I'm awake proper.
I know you wouldn't give any criticism to hurt me, and you have no idea how much I appreciate that, I was just saying in general - your posts are the standard an author would like whenever there's anything a reader doesn't agree with.
edit: changed it so that Crimsons gun is 10mm pistol, Cherry's SMG remains a 9mm - which means no interchanging the ammo, which is good.
the ending fight scene has been given a little more information like how the final kill (before execution) is via shotgun, how he could've touched them if he had tried, and between passes on the enemies, he had to wait for S.A.T.S to recharge.
308389
Good work. The details that have been included now have made the scene more understandable and fun to read.
Nice chapter, the true start of the journey. Great dissonance of alternating between lighthearted and the brutal realities of the wasteland.
323129
I honestly think that Cherry should have a lower Luck stat and a higher Charisma. Seems a bit too low for her interactions, to me. But, that is fairly subjective.
323515
I do get where you're coming from in a sense, but here's my reasoning:
You're basing this off her interactions with Crimson, correct?
Crimson has a high charisma, high luck, and unofficially has lady killer perk which allows him expanded dialogue options [that are successful] due to this high charisma/luck.
He knows all the right things to say, to do, and how to carry himself to get the attention he so desires - not to mention his wings.
Cherry has a higher then average luck stat, but a low charisma. however, she also has a very high (near perfect) perception. She's beautiful, but has no real charisma, she's never been very good with the bucks on any other level then "Hey, you real look nice, wanna fuck?"
She manages to win Crimson over by the fact she kills the raider trying to attack him, and uses her perception to notice that he's blown off course for a moment - vulnerable to even someone like her who wouldn't normally have much luck in attracting the attention she actually wants.
At the same time, Cherry and Crimson just click. Something about them both, between the two of them [and to me] clicks. He wants her, she wants him. They both got lucky - I mean, what were the chances there'd be a random raider stupid enough to try attack a pegasus who could simply fly down onto the other side of the wall? Yet it was that raider who brought them together.
Don't worry, she'll have time to show her lack of charisma around others. It's just Crimson only sees the best in her.
323574
Makes sense, yes. Indeed, in Fallout games, you can make checks that are either met by a Speech requirement, or a stat requirement, like Medicine or Guns, or even a SPECIAL stat. So you are using her Perception and Luck as basis for interactions, like using Guns skill to convince someone to help you fight, rather than just talking them into it with coercion.
325630
Exactly. If it wasn't for him being interested in her in return in the first place, there'd have been no chance.
He's got the attitude that he can get just about any single mare in Four Ridges that he wants, but he finally found one that somehow seems different, and you start to see that in chapter three, and will see a lot more of it as time goes on.
Straight onto C3...
Another good chapter, you have got a good method of describing your battles, that was fun to read. Though the .38 pistol seems to be more like a .44 magnum! But you have planned out his dive attack style which may make getting in close much easier to get those key shots off.
Got my answer to its position in time; If that buck was one those who raped Black Jack... [the anger!]
Something I have spotted, you seem to be falling fowl of Auto correct; yeah its a bitch. There were several words were I knew what it was supposed to be but you had missed a letter and, in an attempt to be helpful, it had been changed to a word that was one letter shorter. But you will get that on the rewrite. Bring on C4!
So here is Crimson's first taste of the wasteland and he gets an idea of what passes for justice. Really, taking it upon yourself to be judge, jury and executioner is a pretty dreddful state really and I'd be interested to see where he goes from here. Quite possibly a dark and terrible road lies ahead.