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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Not sure how this chapter will go down, but I really do hope you all enjoy it.
I've put a lot of work into it and spent a lot of time considering how to start it, because this chapter is very important tot he story - this is where it's going to get really interesting with any luck.
If you have any comments or criticism on the setting or fights, please, do tell me.
I'm writing the fights with a little bit more grit and OHFUCKWHATI'MLOSINGness to them after a suggestion to do so -- and personally I like it, even if it does mean that Crimson goes through a lot of pain.
Though like said, if you have any qualms with the new setting not being quite horrible enough for what it's supposedly meant to be, (well, wait on that one. Next chapter fixes that one) let me know.
Anything you can give me to improve the story is appreciated - just make sure it's something I can use and not just mindless rabble about one thing you dislike but not why.
Review, posted from what I placed on Cloudsville.
Opening with what I assume is Latin. Personally, I love learning about Latin.
Cuddling, cuddling, and more cuddling.
Oh, yeah, he didn't tell her about Cherished.
"Cherry squeezed herself around me in delight and I couldn't help but grin. She was going to be an amazing mother for Cherry, I just knew it."
If this isn't a mistake, time travel is likely to be involved.
"Don't give out any caps, what so ever. Keep an eye on your saddlebags. Try not to get distracted by the mares, not for reasons to do with Cherry. Lastly? Try not to get into any fights around or with anypony, zebra, or donkey, wearing red and brown suits of armour."
Sounds like Freeside, but with AJ's Rangers about. I'm also going to guess that the chapter preview takes place there.
Coltchester is beginning to seem like a pretty nasty place, with all the perks. Moss, rubble, the works.
For some reason, I don't think those represent undermining Crimson's authority.
Coltchester is quite nasty indeed. And, they are gonna try to mug them.
A knife, a bat, and two unarmed... this is familiar.
"Unfortunately in my rush, the second shot also managed to hit Cherry and she fell down to her side from the shock of being hit"
Period required.
Y'know, if Maisy had walked in with them, none of that would have happened at all.
Including the charity, however.
Serrated knife. No wonder.
Asking for remembrance? I think there's more going on here than simple poverty...
And now Cherry is breaking down. everpony does sometime, I guess.
"Quite simply? My training It's a part of my job..."
I think there is a period missing after "My training".
The psychology of the sniped and the sniper are quite complicated. When snipers are captured by hostile forces, they are typically treated significantly worse than line soldiers, simply because they incur losses unpreventable by other members of the unit. Snipers need to dispense accurate fire on people, who are usually just serving their country, and not be cripplingly guilty afterwards. I guess, it might explode.
Somepony noticed the wings, and sounds rather angry because of them.
...Or, they want him to catch a pony. This could end badly.
"...my show of 'persuasion and looked at me..."
Missing the other apostrophe for persuasion?
The purple mare is a doctor. Neat. Followers?
D-Z-C sounds sinister. I knew there was something going on.
Uh oh...
Looks like the other foalsitter had Cherished.
Confirmed. And the Hoofington event appears to have reached here.
It appears that Cherished was an orphan, which means they can keep her.
Blessed Cradle might be a useful ally in the future.
"What she did is none of your business. What is important however, is that the my husband will be informed and the praetorians will be searching for her too, Best be quick if you want that bounty, Wings."
An unnecessary the before "my husband", and praetorians sound not-so-friendly.
This is going to get rough. And, his name is Wings... sorta.
Quite one sided, I say.
Now they are gonna start bickering about slaves and rights and whatnot. Sort of reminds me of a scene in one of the Star Trek: Titan books. An extra-galactic, genetically engineered human suggested that the non-humans aboard the Titan were slaves, because the Captain and first officer were both humans. This came from the fact that his offshoot of humanity had indeed enslaved other races.
"Your own work? We didn't have any bandaging though, did we?"
Bandages would have worked better here.
The Society uses servants, IIRC. Still slaves, though.
Telekinetic rape? Not a good idea, especially given that Cherry is there.
"Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim,,, what the hell could that mean Cherry?"
Periods, not commas.
Cradle is back, being pursued by what I assume are those Praetorians.
The shotgun jammed? What a twist.
"The machine"? Sounds dangerous.
"I will never go back". Sounds like they may be slaves themselves.
Through a wing. Ouch.
20 more. Not good.
Maisy has crowd control down good.
"WHY... WHY IS THERE A MANTICORE HERE?!" I Heard Blessed scream at the top of her lungs.
Extra capital in heard.
Cradle fainted at the sight of a manticore. I guess they might be rare due to the large population in the area.
Robots. Going to bad again.
Lost Cradle. Hope she will be fine.
"Before I could spin my gun around on the others, a zebra robot smashed into my again."
My->me.
The bots pack quite a punch, I'd say.
Titan is there, and he's got pals with him. Yippee.
"The robots stood a better chance against Titan and his minigun, but even they found the unrelenting force of the bullets smashing into them alongside the clatter of assault rifles and the snipe rifle to be too much."
Sniper rifle.
And close with Titan bringing them home. The ones in the red and black turned out to be zebras.
Nice variety and style on the combat, interesting locales, and cohesive telling. Nice work.
919022
Thank you. I've just gone and fixed all your listed errors, including adding a line to clarify that when I said the robots would have a better chance, it was meant that they'd last longer then squishy zebras.
Anyway, yeah. Thank you for picking up on all that, troubles of not using pre-readers and all that.
Glad I managed to hit the mark with what Coltchester is like, and this is just the beginning.
Very glad that the combat has improved for you.
Latin! Latin everywhere!
but yeah, thank you ever so much =3 means a lot for me to get a review like this.
sorry I ain't got more to say, lacking sleep massively and woke up earlier then planned -.-
good chapter like it
Question ...
when do they go back to their adopted little girl?
920623
I wondered if this would be asked. And you know what, I'll answer it for you. Highlight until the next visible line of text to see the spoiler:
SPOILER!
Both Crimson and Cherry will go back to Cherished, together. I do have the plot piece in mind, but as of yet I'm unsure how soon it will be precisely. They will get to see her though, both of them next time, and I'll make sure that they have a really lovely time together while they can. I wish I knew exactly how long or exactly when myself, but at the moment things are changing and coming up out of nowhere all too much to say when.
Just know that they will.
/END OF SPOILER!
920033
thank you =3 that means a hell of a lot to me.
919022
Now I'm back home from work and awake, I'll answer some things that came up for you.
Again, thank you for the error spotting - much much much appreciated. I simply can't find some of those things myself because my brain refuses to notice them after having wrote it all.
Trouble is that i also go through it myself as I work, I'll write a section and then read over it as I format it, meaning it's hard for me to have the mindset required to go back over it with a fine comb.
The outskirts of Coltchester, or more specifically, Slumside, is indeed influenced by Freeside. (I just made the name up on the spot from freeside right now, not some secret spoiler there)
Slumside is where the poorest live. It's the most commonly used entrance and exit from Coltchester though other ways in and out do exist.
As for the red/brown/black - that's not power armour, its zebra legion suits.
You've got a keen eye, is all I shall say for another point you make.
Just realised what you mean by the unnecessary 'the' before my husband. was meant to write "the centurion who happens to be my husband"...
fixing that now.
For the record, because I don't make it very clear:
The first group of soldiers who were chasing B Cradle were miles' aka standard soldiers.
However, one of them went running off - screaming for the attention of the Praetorian Guard (which is an elite fighting force group).
As for their cry of how they will never go back; Latin is a fickle language and doesn't quite translate word for word. To say they will never go back is to mean that they will not retreat - hope that one helps.
Manticores are scary fuckers even when you're used to them. They're not exactly all that common over in Coltchester.
The bots do indeed pack a punch, and if you think back to chapter eight...
921385
Thanks I really didn't expect an answer because of spoilers
Glad you did though
I was just wondering if they both do or what
>tfw you see your name under a story you like to read
Keep up the good work!
And the ones with superior firepower