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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Sorry if this is a terrible chapter. I know there's a definite lack of action in this chapter, but part 2 is going to redeem this.
Part 1 of this chapter is about tying up loose ends in the Commons and leaving, preparing for the journey and making the first steps to the next story-arc piece.
Part 2 will, in terms of fallout 3 or New Vegas, be meeting Three-dog / House for the first time.
632384 there's not much to gripe about, you write well, and the criticisms I have you've already brought up
random shift to Melony was unexpected
little too much gratuitous sex in this chapter for my liking, though that's just me
nice to see Crimson's situation was Lampshaded as being extremely unusual
Honestly, first half was boring. After that, it got interesting.
I see you didn't use Kipper, Titan works fine.
Straight up ghoul characters are fairly rare in these, so that was a good call. But I feel he is wearing a bright red shirt. Too powerful seeming, perhaps? But what other than Styx are you going to use against a horde of small woodland creatures?
Cherry seemed to variate between soft and devious in this chapter, which was a bit odd. Not bad, but odd.
I suggest page breaks that indicate who the story is being told from, if it doesn't spoil an effect, that is.
More insight in the Alicorn situation, there are 3. Interesting...
There are a few irrelevant characters like +s and *s scattered through the first half, but you can probably catch them.
The half-chapter was fine. Keep truckin'.
632546
(This time I'm being friendly, don't worry!)
The whole sex thing; first round was out of the need to continue building the relationship of Cherry and Crimson - every time they manage to get this time together is some more physically bonding moments.
The second round (from P.O.V of Melony) was about pure embarrassment of being caught in the act by his own mother and Melony, even if it was over a "phone call" type thing.
But duly noted - I don't plan to have another sex scene for a little while anyway (I don't actually plan them, but I mean I don't plan to give them the chance and security to give in to primal urges like that for a while as it is from this point on, so having it now helped their relationship.)
As for the sentinels going on a picnic, indeed, I did also mean to make him say its a wild wasteland out there, but forgot to do so. it'll probably be one of my first edits tomorrow morning.
but yeah, completely intentional lampshading there (though thank you for showing me it has a proper name!) to try make it more of a believable unbelievable moment.
It doesn't happen every day to anyone else, but Crimson just seems to run into the weirdest fucking stuff without even trying.
More-so, thank you for simply saying I know what your qualms are. I do appreciate your desire for a darker story and it will begin with the next chapter.
For me, these chapters have all been getting Crimson used to the wasteland in general - Once he reaches Coltchester though, let's just say that the "dreams" have relevance.
Lastly, as for Melony - this is to remind the reader that while we've been following Crimson, and while he has been searching around on where to start looking with the water talisman, that there still is the issue of the talisman back at home and the thousand odd ponies who'll end up dying if nothing happens about it.
632628
By first half, which point would you say it started to get interesting from?
I'll admit myself that writing the first few sequences weren't easy for me because they are boring, but I felt it was still necessary to give Dusk a proper fleshing out on how he felt about his brother and Crimson being there for him.
I'd rather have a chapter that's half boring but fills in the details like that then a chapter which is all fun but in the same breath takes away from the depth of the story.
It's like choosing to either go to watch a low budget film which has a decent rating or a Michael Bay film which is missing half the characterisation and plot originally intended to be in favour of some explosions.
Though like I say - I'm saying this in a very receptive manner and I'd like to know so I can improve on what I write in the future.
632628
OH - and I forgot to bring up the Titan thing.
Titan is a pre-war ghoul (as mentioned) with his ultimate (named) weapon.
His armour is scrap, basically, and the closest thing you could compare it to would be the NCR salvaged power armour from Fallout: New Vegas.
That's down to the missing parts on the legs and customised piece here and there to make it work.
In the next chapter I do plan to make his weakness quite obvious, but to state it now since it's not a secret:
--His power armour isn't powered, it's broken. This removes the +2 strength gain and adds a -2 agility penalty.
--His power armour will not repair itself like standard P/A. He needs to use scrap metal and leather to piece it back together.
--His gun, Styx, needs the motor to be revved before it will begin firing. Revving the engine takes a second which means no capability for twitch shooting - his shots need to be precisely timed.
--He has no saddlebags
--He cannot run
As for his S.P.E.C.I.A.L stats, they're:
8 6 9 4 5 3 5
This is without the power armour in play, so his agility goes down 1 yet his strength remains at 8.
He's vulnerable on his own, as in, dead meat vulnerable. However, when in a group, his heavy suppression capabilities are godly.
He's a standard ghoul - no canterlotism - so hopefully his ability to die by standard means (for a ghoul) mean he's not too over-powered.
632655
About when they started talking about the TMG Special Operations.
632760
I thought you were referencing the Tribal Power Armor, but I suppose the Salvaged/Useless variety could fit the bill. I also thought that you meant revving the minigun's motor to prepare to fire by rotating the barrels. Thanks for clearing it up. As for the red shirt, I got it from how he seemed a little bit too powerful for the company he's keeping, being newly introduced, and being slow.
Now, I want to play TF2. Funny.
632632 I see you're a part of the 'sex scenes/intimate moments help build character relationships' school of thought, though I still think that first one was rather gratuitous, though the second one was awesome for the embarrassment it caused
tvtropes.org has a name for every single literary device out there, it's amazing
633627
Ah, glad to understand your side of that. Yeah, for me personally to see the build up to the moment while on screen adds to the amount of time you've seen them being intimate together and therefore builds trust/closeness. As for the adding a little more detail to it this time, I was just wondering how adventurous I could go without it being too far - obviously missed the mark with that.
I'm glad the second time round got the awesome because of embarrassment result though, because that's exactly what I was trying to hit.
633118
Ahhh, gotya.
I do agree that before that point was rather bland, like I say. Though like I said before, I'd just rather not leave 'Dusk' to have had his brother die and get absolutely no help about it when Crimson said he would. Wouldn't feel in-character for him.
As for the power armour issue; I had completely forgotten about the Tribal Power Armour (if you mean the pitt, I know there's also a suit of power armour in FO2 which is something broken but I can't remember the name of it.)
That also makes a perfect example - either TPA or SPA is what Titan is wearing, depending on if you'd rather go through with fallout 3 or new vegas as a styling.
True, true, he is a lot higher level than Crimson & Cherry - where they're level 6's he's at least level 15.
Though he's being honest - he's literally only after an escort to Coltchester and once they reach their destination, he'll shake hooves and be gone.
635704
Thank you! I'm glad that this chapter wasn't a total let down for everyone =)
The road to Coltchester is going to be a very violent one with not a great deal of character development (as at the moment, anyway) and that's why this is part one of two.
These two chapters in essence are one in the same - broken down into two though. Just hoping I'll be able to inspire myself with enough content to make it a normal length chapter, because it, like I say, is a two parter.
Come chapter 9 it should get a little easier for me as that's when I plan to have reached Coltchester.
Hey, finally had time to read it through. Cant go into great detail without reading it again but you may want to go over the first section quite a few times. There were some sentence structures that were a bit off and mentions of a character doing things twice. This one stood out at me:
Landing upon the floor, there was no decision to make.
As I landed down to the ground, I noticed two others behind me to my left, and right... there we stood as we had once before.
I think you could do without the first landing.
Anyway yeah the last section is great, interesting new character.
641866
Thanks for the info.
I really, really need to take more time to proof-read my work >.< I just quickly check it and miss things like that.
I'll have that done either tonight or tomorrow, depending on internet connection & mental awareness.
edit:
got the example you pointed out sorted. Also sorted out the initial call with Lemon Gaze with the whole stay safe thing.
Fixed something else minor, and ever so slightly changed some wording in the sex scene ("I needed this badly, so very badly")
I'll go through it again tomorrow given the chance, but right now I simply don't have the awareness to spot stuff like I should be able to.
/tiredness /depression /I suck hard
yay Crimson has an Alicorn guardian I wonder what they could want from him hes no unicorn so they cant convert him and he hasnt killed any Alicorns but is this after the Goddess dies? Cant wait for the next chapter
649449
Deathpony... I like you.
This particular comment made me smile oh so much.
Also-
Yes, the goddess is dead. If memory serves correctly she dies... I think on the very same day that my story starts? Perhaps the day after.
(working it out backwards now from a point I know for sure) Chapter three is the day of Friendship city being destroyed,
Chapter two starts in the morning(ish), accidentally drops Cherry which causes nervous breakdown meaning they hit 58 for the night & have the threesome fun. next day they continued through Gummy & Opal going back to Tank to drop off Cherry before visiting Angel and going back to 58 to get some rest for the upcoming mission. Next morning at 6am chapter three started (F.C destroyed)
Working it from that, the day they go to opal & gummy is -1 day, the day beforehand is -2 (day of mid-air drop) and the first day of the story is -3, which in turn goes from -3 to -10 from the Day of Sunshine and Rainbows (DoSsaR) which is exactly when the Goddess died.
So from the foe wiki timeline article, its just after sunset of chapter 1's day that the Goddess dies.
653524 ah I thought she was because the Alicorn was saying we and us still
653530
Helios, titan goddess of the sun.
Selene, titan goddess of the moon.
Eos, titan goddess of the dawn.
("As I landed down to the ground, I noticed two others behind me to my left, and right... there we stood as we had once before.
Helios, Selene, and myself, Eos")
There's three of them, though only Eos is directly interested in Crimson.
More hidden information is going to be revealed in the upcoming chapter, though the whole 'what and why' of it all is being held back for now.
653568 oh gotcha
653572
It was so damn annoying to try find them names at first, seriously.
Three alicorns with their meaning and importance to the story. their names were so damn hard to try and figure out what to call them and then it hit me; a lot of greek mythology has been put into MLP:FiM and that would be a great place to start.
Then I found out that Helios had two sisters (Selene & Eos) when researching the Titans (elder race of gods before the Olympians who were the very reason for time and space existing at all) and found my perfect piece to the puzzle.
The reason I'm saying all this is because it shouldn't act as a spoiler for you and its a little insight into the whole matter of things, so I'm hoping you'll appreciate the whole 'author trying to be nice and friendly/open with you' deal =P
653585 mkay thanks gonna read the next one when your done with it
Right, going to put down my first little review here.
Overall story is going all right so far and it's keeping me interested. This chapter was a bit slower than others, but that wasn't a bad thing with the character development of Cherry.
I'm a pretty forgiving reader but there was the first really big structural problem I've found so far here so I thought I'd point it out. Near the end of the chapter, the encounter with the Ultra Sentinels was the problem. Story wise there's nothing wrong with it but there is no description of what's going on until after the encounter is finished. Until Titan speaks all the reader knows is that they're robots and have wheels. I think a lot of the issue is that they call themselves USH's in their song. Which would be fine except that not everyone knows what that means. I had to figure it out afterwards (and I still don't know what the H stands for). This leaves the reader thinking 'what the hell is going on?' for a good couple of paragraphs. Which although it's good if something is supposed to be confusing, this moment should have been pretty straightforward in terms of the perception of events.
Also bear in mind people might have forgotten what an Ultra-Sentinel is. I personally would introduce elements from the original story or from the games as if they were entirely new the first time they're encountered for the benefits of people who haven't read the original or just to refresh their memory. I noticed in the comments for the last chapter regarding the alicorn calling Crimson her 'prise' is a reference to another fic. This is an absolutely golden example of something you must explain to the readers. Not as soon as it's brought up because that spoils the mystery (apart from the people who've read the other fic and are smiling and giving themselves a pat on the back), but at some point. If it's dropped and never heard of again, I would also be disappointed.
Other more minor nitpicks:
Changing perspective mid chapter I'd personally try to avoid, although you do make it clear within a few sentences so it isn't too bad.
Naming conventions for your locations so far are confusing. We have Coltshire Commons and Coltshire town, then another bigger city called Coltshire a long way away from the previous two. So referring to Coltshire could be referring to two different places (assuming commons is always added to Coltshire Commons). That's without the end of the name 'shire' normally indicating an area the size of a county which has cities named differently within it, though they may be similar- see Lancaster in Lancashire, Hereford in Herefordshire etc.
Other than that there are a few minor spelling and grammar mistakes, for example "Go on, what' the name of your minigun then?" Should be 'what's', unless you want Crimson to sound like a caveman here.
A very minor thing- when they're buying ammo Crimson says the bullet looks hand loaded. It breaks a little immersion since they don't have hands. Although by the same token I'm not a fan of directly replacing the word with hoof either and try to dance around it, for example in this instance
"This doesn't look like it's been machined. Did you pack it yourself?" Or something similar.
Although I have to stress that this is the smallest thing here and is more a matter of personal preference than anything else.
...waaait, she's a blue so she can't teleport, which means that she entered the suite around the same time Crimson and Cherry did... which means she was there the whole time.....
Important character noticed