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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Quick one:
If anyone finds any duplicate errors (example: the the), inconsistency errors, horrific grammar errors (not including structuring) or any other immediate problems, please feel free to inbox me with this information.
Like the title for the chapter says, it's currently unbrushed - I haven't actually gone through and edited any part of this excluding the scene where Cherry becomes traumatised for the short term, and even then it was only a case of adding four words and taking out two.
So yeah; if you find it and it's an eye-sore to you, let me know. Otherwise, I'll be taking my time to go through and clean it up as permitted.
I need some rest.
The next chapter has 10,000 words... my god. BETTER GET STARTED!
Nice chapter, even without brushing. No errors that were noticeable, and the chapter is easily understood. Speaking parts are a little rough, however.
Plenty of cuddling. Not a bad thing. I like Fallout Equestria stories partially for their emotional depth. I have a feeling the Glyph Turrets will come in handy sometime soon. Cherry being able to turn invisible is pretty interesting, and will likely be used to mess with Crimson sometimes, as well as being useful in combative situations. The arrangement of the caravans was interesting to me, dunno why. It makes me wonder why no Stable Security left with them.
I am not good at reviews, but splendid work so far.
262939
That was plenty fine. I don't need a detailed review, so much as a general idea of what you think of it and any things that strike you as something particularly interesting out of it all.
I like that you enjoy the cuddling, I felt with all the tail Crimson manages to get within these first two scenes, it'd make it seem like it's all he's about, which is completely untrue.
He's spoilt, sheltered and arrogant, but he too has a soft side and he's enjoying the time to just mellow out as much as they are, inside.
This was something I was trying to convey in this chapter, so it doesn't seem like he's a complete sex fiend or the like.
As for the lack of Stable security escorting the caravans - That's because it's the role of Tank to do this kind of job when it matters to the well-being of Four Ridges.
Independent contractors can hire Tank security for their caravans, but Tank citizens may decline as they wish.
The Stable however can tell them that this is their role, and if they wish to keep receiving their food supplies, they must continue with their tribute of defence & protection.
Angel pays with food production. Tank with personal & regional security. Gummy repairs and researches, Opal crafts items and trades (taxes on outer wastes trade).
All pay their tributes, all receive food &/or water, all trade between one another for extra resources.
I may very well have to clear this up in chapter 1 & 2 or write it into a future chapter.
but thank you for your thoughts and everything. also; I have a bad tendency to divulge too much information.. so...
Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Going on the fallout wiki to just find some trivial info, and found out that Stable 56 is already accounted for in a story I'd never heard of.
-facepalm-
I should've thought to check.
I'm now changing it over to 57.
sorry!
edit: and then by pure chance, I found 57 is taken.
-______-
It's now gone up to 58
No-one on wikia, here, EQD or google seems to have 58 as listed as being used, so I've listed on the wikia and emailed EQD about it, about to email fallout-equestria.com about it too.
Heheh. It's the wings, mares loooooove the wings.
Just had to make the hardest decision of my whole story just now - how much detail to add to the sex scene. LOL.
I don't want to make this a clop-fic by any means, but I felt maybe a tiny, tiny bit more detail wouldn't go amiss.
Spent about 10 minutes writing, rewriting and rewriting again some more onto the end of that.
Finally decided on the amount of detail I want to go into, and I -hope- its nothing too much/too graphic for any of you.
If anyone does have a problem with it - tell me. Though right now I'm going to keep it. Doesn't seem to be too much.
298562
Right you are.
Quick Thoughts...
Great development so far! Enjoying the characters and their interaction. Love the idea of the Glyph turrets and the wall.
When I started reading the bit where Crimson Wing ends up with both Melony Cherry I was expecting a cat fight or Crimson getting into trouble for courting two mares but no... threesome! You could add more if you felt it would build the characters better; I used mine to do that in chapter 1, but its fine as it is; not to cloppy.
A few spelling and grammar mistakes but nothing horrendous. The only thing I would watch is using the same words over and over to describe. Thesorus is your friend!
Got a few questions which may help you in the rewrite...
-Glyphs are a Zebra thing so how have they ended up with Glyph turrets on their walls.
-How far apart are all the town's? With the flight times the area could be like 50 mile radius from the stable... which is a huge area to defend.
-The towns all seem very well built. Is this because they were built from scratch or have they painstakingly restored pre-war settlements?
And another quick one, not relevant to the story as such, when is this set? Parallel with FoE, before or after?
Summary... Good Start!
Tank, gummy, opal and angel......
OOH! OOH! I get it now!
So on my phone since I am at work with nothing to do, so this will be without the nitpick section as copy pasting is a bitch.
So that first scene, with the whole ''crawl on back, fall over, do the drama llama''... yea I did not get that one bit. Dont know why he fell over, why they made a big deal out of it, or why the heck she wanted onto his back in the first place as they would have more time to flirt if they walked instead of flew. Talking about flying, he could lift her before, so cant see why he should fall over now.
Wait... so the cloud cover is there... the consistency and descriptipons of clouds is very confusing to me, although it could just be me that overthink it instead of finding plotholes. None the less, a hole in the cover and no Enclave to react on it?
So something hit me.. they are swimming in a giant lake and not just a puddle, it being clear rad free water with how they play... how was it again that they had a water problem? I mean sure 2k ponies can drink a lot of water, and the fields need a lot of water as well, but they apparently have a whole lake in their backyard with clean water so cant see the problem even if the clean water is a by product from their own water talisman.
Seeing how your last chapther was so nicely structured does the whole first segment of this one baffle me. First of all are the chapther twice the length than the others, and hey consistency is key, but whole sections of lovie dovie stuffing like that... Makes it seem all sugar sweet and artificial, I have been after a few other writers about how they should let their stories breathe, especially if they try and do some impact via killing a char of, but with how the bird are on the cover can I not really see her taking a bullet in the next chapther, and unless she is a femme fatale there to lead them all astray and works with the baddie... yea sorry but it is all lost on me and feels like padding where nothing is needed.
By the way, its easy to see how I comment as I read, with the thoughts fresh in my mind, isn't it?
So just read trough Cherries security spiel... since so much thought and energy went into securing the place, why were there no balefire missile sent their way. I mean the Chinese wall invited all around to attack it even harder since if you protect something that well must it be important, so this wall and security could really not be any different.
Piece of advice... if only one pony ever went fully inbisible, yea dont give a side char the same power, its smells too strongly of Sue. Beside, Zebras invivible talismans and cloaks, ring a bell?
Had to copy paste this one ''The water talisman is fractured.'' Fracturing, it is not broken yet, but breaking down as said in the chapter before.
''As well as this, we need two other things from you'' you only mention the techies on the caravans and not the other thing he wants.
Hot liquid love... sorry in clop is that saying too cheesy already, in a FoE story... no just no, especially after they just had that whole necklace episode and Cherry went ''but we have only known each other for a day.'' Mentioning love is way too soon.
So at the scene after the threesome, me beginning to feel that this is more porn than FoR, for a group of ponies going to loose all water do they sure take a lot of baths. You could of course use grey water for your fields, but still, rather wasteful.
''a syringe of med-x... from that point on, I knew this was going to be a fun trip.'' Since when does painkillers make for a good trip?... okay I see the pun, but really, who in their sound mind would be happy like that a for a syringe of morphene?
''I love you and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, Hunny.'' By this point would I not outrule incest with how that mom treats her kid, but hunny which is a slang for husband so far I know... yea lets just skip that and go on.
So the chapther is over, and sorry to be blunt I am happy for that fact. I know that I have commented a lot on this chapter, but it is a big big contrast from the chapter before it. The pacing is slow, the drama between the two characters there are so lovestuck that every little thing leads to drama since both are so in love and sensitive to the smallest stuff bland bland padding, and the many mentions of sex making me think that this is teenage wishfulfilment instead of a proper story. Again I would not mind all of that normally, but you showed us all that you could write with the chapters before, so reading trough this is like a litural bitchslap.
Again, I am so blunt and vocal not because I dislike it, but because I like what I saw up until this point.
EDIT: damn a 900 word comment, been ages since I last made one of those
You forgot a five at the end there.
Made me think he had pulled a fast one on the shopkeeper.