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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Oh god... You updated. I'll have to read later, and wow this chapter is like 50 words longer than my new one.
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I was going to go for a lot further, but when you get to it, you'll understand why.
Yay it updated . They will regret taking Cherry from Crimson. Anyways good chapter again I liked it.
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HAhahaha. You can always try, right?
I just joined FIMfiction, and I decided to look into Fallout: Equestria stories. Because, I’ve been a fan of Kkat’s story for sometime now, and it hasn’t been until recently that I decided to make an account. Anyway, while browsing through the Fallout: Equestria groups for stories, I found yours. For some reason something told me that I should read it. I’m not too sure what, but I was compelled to read it.
And so I did. I had managed to get to about chapter six before stopping altogether. So, after reading those six chapters and some of the comments. I have decided to sit down and write this for you. Hopefully you’ll look at this and improve from it. Though, just before I go on I want you to know that however this may sound, I’m not trying to be rude. All I want is to see you, as a writer become better from this.
So, without further a-due, let’s begin.
Firstly, the romance is too lovey-dovey. I’m being serious when I say this, all the conversations between Crimson and Cherry seem like one drawn out continuos flirt. Even to the point to where I can’t tell whether something is supposed to be legit flirting, or just playful speech. In fact, it drags on so much that it feels like the two at any moment are just going to look at each other and start doing it.
Now, I love romance in stories, and I like flirting. But this is just... Sickening. What needs to happen is you need to take a break from it, and divide the flirting moments. This way we have a chance to see their characters really develop rather than asking when the next time they’ll do it is.
Next, the chemistry. This is one thing that really kind of hit me as off. I mean there really isn’t much chemistry at all. In fact, they practically meet each other and get lucky on the first day. Heck, after that they then become like soul mates afterwards. At one point even Crimson says that there really was chemistry between them and he could feel it. That’s just...
I digress, real chemistry comes when a couple develop their relationship. In no instance does a person come up to another and meet each other and get lucky right after that meeting. The only times you’d see this is in soft porn, bad porn, or when the girl is extremely wasted. I mean it’s good for him to be a player in his head, where he admires mares to himself. But to have every mare around him fall head over hooves for this random stranger is just silly.
This is one thing that I’ve found that’s wrong with this. Is that this story is severely lacking in good development. In just about everything. I would focus on the two getting to know each other first, like if you made it to where Crimson likes her but he’s too shy to admit it. As the two stay together they get to know each other and their bond (ironic title thingy here) becomes stronger.
Another thing; the names of the towns could be better. This is a personal preference, so you don’t necessarily need to change anything. It’s just something I thought I’d bring up. Like the town’s names are Opal, Gummy, Tank, and Angel. Could you imagine something dramatic happening and someone shouted, “Hurry! Retreat back to Gummy!” It really is a buzzkill. That’s just my own personal opinion on that.
The pacing is pretty good for the most part. I mean the events seem to come and go naturally, so this is something you don’t have to worry too much about. Oh, and while I’m on the subject of your writing. It’s actually not that bad. I read some of the comments where you say you need to improve your writing quality, and I say that it’s already good. I mean minus some misused words you really are good at writing. As many of the sentences flow nicely.
I would add a teeny tiny bit more world description. Because when it comes down to character actions you’re spot on. However, a lot of the times I was left clueless as to what was happening around them. So, yeah. (Also, your first-person point of view is good. You do a decent job of describing Crimson’s inner thoughts. While I don’t like half the stuff he thinks about, which is just Cherry, Cherry, and Cherry again. It does go into his mind well.)
The Four-Ridges idea is good. Though you could pursue it better. Like I imagined the towns too be... Well, too safe. Too clean, and too nice. They live in a place where they know the outside is bad, but where they live is perfect. So just touch that up a bit.
The story itself is legitimate. There is a good reason to leave, and a fairly good buildup to that point of departure. So, good job. =)
Lastly, Crimson. I can’t figure him out. There’s just two things I know about him for sure:
He loves Cherry... Way too much.
He likes to fly.
After that, I can’t really see who he is. As most of the qualities that you present to us the readers are contradictory. Because he is: Vengeful, yet understanding. He’s shy, yet a player. He’s confident, yet shy. Loves sex and is outgoing, yet he bumbles around like he knows nothing about sex or love.
It goes on and on. And it’s just confusing. The same goes for Cherry. All I can see her as in this is a love crazy, playful, sex-driven mare. Who sometimes wines over nothing. I mean, the other characters you have here I can see some character, but our two main heroes are a complete mystery.
Overall, it has potential to become something great. You have the writing skill to write the story, but when it comes to crafting characters that interact with one another it really seems to fall behind. If I were you, I’d work very hard on developing the characters. Because in chapter one you should be introduced to the characters, and their personalities. (Chapter 2 as well.) However, that isn’t the case at all. I’m sorry if this sounded in anyway, rude. But this is all true, and I wrote this in an attempt to help you make this great. While I myself cannot enjoy this, I’m glad you have found people who do. I hope you have a wonderful day, and I hope you continue on with your story.
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Thank you, this is all very helpful and I'm not offended at all. I appreciate that you've taken the time to read so far in and write so much out in return for me.
You're right on many things, especially the interaction of Crimson and Cherry. I'm currently in the process of rewriting chapter two (and will eventually have all the not-so-good chapters rewritten... eventually) and I am trying to work on giving the pair much more time to really interact.
I apologise for their way (constantly flirting) though at the same time, while I do understand where you're coming from, that's just the way that comes naturally to me and it's how I like their relationship, personally.
I did fail to really express any true chemistry between them in my initial writings and I am trying to express that more now with the rewrites, as mentioned, but I can't expect you to read that just because I say I'm trying to fix that issue.
For the town names, you're right, but they're references to both how they act/their purpose and also to the show, as you might expect.
Not saying you're wrong, that's just my reasoning is all.
They will see times get darker, but that's exactly why they're so pretty and safe right now. It should hopefully make things that much more powerful for the characters to see such polar opposites compared to what they were used to.
As for Crimson... yup, flying and Cherry are amongst his favourite things. There is more you learn about him as the story goes on, both intentionally and unintentionally made to be that way (since I'm a firm believer in not giving the whole history of a character on day one) though you do have a point and again, I am going to be addressing this in the rewrites.
I'm really glad you thought the pacing was good. It's one of those things I always worry about because there is no *right* pacing, just pacing that works for some and not for others, both in terms of writers/authors and readers.
On the point of Cherry... she's not sex crazy, believe it or not. She likes sex to calm down and she hasn't had it in quite some time, which does make her go for it more often than some others might, but that calms down as the story goes on (mostly) and in part, she actually uses it as a tool, but that's something you don't see until later on and even then, only if you look at it closely and realise "oh shit! she's doing it because ____" (as well as generally enjoying it.)
Again, thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this. I really do appreciate it and I promise I will keep it in mind with both rewrites and future chapters. Also, like I said before, I'm not at all offended. Thank you for this, it really is what I need more of if I'm going to grow.
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Please, don't apologize. As you had said earlier, you were only doing what you felt was natural. I'm glad I was able to help.